More than a one-month gym membership

 I am committed to the process of change

I rarely set resolutions for the new year.  Occasionally I have silently thought that if it isn't too difficult and I have enough time maybe I should possibly consider eventually getting around to perhaps making some sort of positive change like getting in shape or something like that.  That approach hasn't worked out very well for me.

Change is a process that first requires a firm commitment.  Taking the first step by resolving to make a change helps promote self-reflection and gives me a moment to assess where I am and where I want to be.  This year I have decided to make resolutions based on a feedback tool I learned called start/stop/continue.

There is a saying based on Buddhist tradition that says you can't say no until you know what yes is.  Before I can stop a particular behavior I need to know what will be replacing it.  What are the positive things I want in my life that will fill the void of what I am tying to stop doing? It is also important for me to identify what practices I want to continue that have proven to be valuable.

Change is never easy but I commit today to stay engaged in that process.  To help facilitate that I would like to share some of my current resolutions so that I can be accountable to myself and others.

Start: I will practice authenticity by being open and sharing my emotions with others.  I have a tendency to hold in what I feel or judge myself for feeling a particular way (I discussed this in greater detail here: http://canffirmations.blogspot.com/2012/12/all-inno-bluffs.html )

Stop: I have a bad habit of engaging in negative self-talk.  I am my own worst critic and when I allow internal dialogue to undermine my best self I sabotage my ability to make healthy changes.

Continue: I have been making efforts to be more transparent and vulnerable.  This blog for example has pushed me to be painfully honest with myself and how I share my experiences with others.  It stretches me in very uncomfortable ways but I have seen how it is benefiting me and I want to keep pushing into the places where I have need for growth.

What are you willing to commit to? Feel free to use the comments to share any resolutions you have and to give or receive encouragement from others. 

Living and dieing today

"Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I'll ever know
Live and die on this day
Live and die on this day" 

- Joe Carnahan

 I will approach today with a spirit of renewal. The defeats of yesterday will be learned from and left behind. My victories will be celebrated without leaving me complacent or thinking the war is won. Tomorrow is beyond my control and will not steal my energy or focus with feelings of worry or fear. Today is new and it lies before me full of opportunity and challenges. I will seize it!

I live each day anew

A shovel today, or an icepick tomorrow.

I am doing what is needed today

I won't complain about the much needed snow that has been falling recently, but I can't say shoveling the driveway once or 37 times a day is my favorite thing to do.  With constant snow yesterday and lots of errands that required frequent coming and going, I shoveled the driveway multiple times.  I keep doing it because each time I have to shovel I am reminded of the consequences of putting it off. 

The first big snow storm a week or two ago happened while I was already out and about.  When I arrived home it was dark and I decided to just park the car and shovel the next day.  The wheels packed down the snow where I drove into the car port and turned to ice overnight.  I don't have salt to put down for melting it so even though it is weeks later I am still running into thick lines of ice that run the length of the driveway.  Whenever I am trying to clear off fresh snow and I run into the ice the shovel catches and I nearly fall on my face.  I try to chip away a bit of it each time I have to shovel again but it is slow and difficult to get off with a plastic snow shovel.  

How often do I mortgage tomorrow for an easier today?  If I continually put off what is needed I leave things far worse for myself further down the road.  Procrastination in any form weighs me down and if continued will eventually threaten to wash over me like an avalanche.  I always have a reason or rationale for not doing it, or refusing to make a choice about something and delaying what I need to do indefinitely.  In those situations I am avoiding reality or attempting to dodge consequences.  I do not need to do everything, but when I find myself coming up with excuses it is time for me to reflect on the reasons why.  I can face whatever fears may be hidden there and move forward on my path. 

!@*# & Ice cream

I take time for what matters

A few months ago I taught my oldest child curse words.  She just started first grade and she had several times asked about what the bad words are.  My thinking was that it would be better for her to hear them in context, understand what they mean, and some reasons for not using them rather than have them come from a classmate.  I can still recall an experience in sixth grade when I spent most of the day calling everyone a bastard because I had heard it on a movie and thought it sounded cool. 

I decided to take her out on a daddy-daughter date and get some ice cream so I could answer all of her curse word related questions.  She started by asking what the A word was.  I told her what it was, explained what it meant and why it is a swear word.  She seemed to be enjoying it and next asked what the B word was. I had to explain to her after a few letters that their isn't a curse word for every letter in the alphabet.  We went and made our own ice cream concoctions at the store and then headed home.  It probably only lasted 30 minutes but she has brought up our "ice cream trip" many times since that day and colored several pictures for me to hang in my office. 

It is nice having a little time off for the holidays.  I often catch myself looking forward to breaks and making big plans for all of the things I want to do.  In a flash the break is over and I find that I spent far too much time playing words with friends or something else that I can't remember a day later.  Taking 30 minutes to create and experience, or connect with someone you love can make a lasting and powerful memory.  It almost seems like that time is enlarged and captured permanently in my mind.  Today I will take time for what matters. 



Thanks for kicking me in the ribs sweetie.

I am living in an attitude of gratitude.

I'm not exactly sure what time my kids tried to wake me up this morning but it felt a little too early for my taste.  They were understandably excited to open presents. The youngest however was not yet awake and so I did my best to stall them and buy a few more minutes of sleep for her.  My first few attempts at distracting them fell flat and for the next few minutes it seemed to get progressively worse whatever I tried.

"How many more hours until Christmas?"
"I want to open my presents now!"
"Let me jump on your rib cage and kick you in various soft and painful areas!" They didn't exactly announce that last one.....

One of my younger sisters is due to have her baby any day now and I started to reflect on the birth of my own children.  I began telling them the stories of the day they were  born.  As I told each of them about that special day I felt a deep welling of gratitude.  It bought a few moments, but more importantly it has completely altered my day.

It is not uncommon for me to fall into the trap of focusing on what is missing or difficult in my life instead of the abundance I have been blessed with. No matter how tough things are if I take but a moment to catalog my blessings I see that I have been given many gifts. Recognizing all that I have to be grateful for then leads me to the challenge of allowing myself to feel a fullness of gratitude.

Feeling gratitude for me is an act of vulnerability.  It feels risky. Sometimes I mistakenly think that if I temper my feelings of happiness I might feel less disappointed or hurt if I lose something I love. Expecting the worst or not allowing myself to really sink into feelings of happiness, gratitude and joy is a defensive mechanism to protect me from the feelings of pain that can come from loss. I lose so much more when I fail to fully appreciate what I have. I can't control what will come or go in my life, but if I never appreciate what I have for fear of being hurt if I lose it, I cheapen the richness and depth of those blessings. It stunts my ability to express thankfulness to my Higher Power and to others.  Today I live with an attitude of gratitude that flows through me without barriers.  

**Hack, Wheeze, Cough cough** "No, I'm fine. Thanks anyway."

I am coming to my own assistance

Last month all 3 of my girls got sick.  A wide variety of maladies emerged including bouts of vomiting, diarrhea, fever, chills, sore throats and croupy coughs.  Each of them experienced something slightly different but they all required extra attention (along with plenty of disaster clean-up and laundry).

It was probably inevitable that about a week later I became ground zero for some super-sickness that emerged from the germ soup that my children had cooked up.  After a miserable week I started to feel better except for a nagging cough.  That cough has stuck with me for the last month during which time I have plowed through 2 industrial sized bags of cough drops from Costco and endured coughing fits that created migraine level headaches. I even coughed my back out of place and had to spend most of a day laying in bed.  It wasn't until this past week that I finally called a doctor and took care of it.  I'm very relieved that today I am finally noticing it subside.

When I pause to reflect I can see inconsistencies between how I care for myself in comparison to how I treat those around me. I am capable of helping others and providing assistance without hesitation, but I frequently neglect, deny, or ignore my own needs.  I have even had times when I waited for someone else to do for me what I could easily have done for myself.  I think maybe I do that in the hope that by having someone save me it will prove I'm loved.  When I need help that is beyond my ability I usually don't ask because I don't think I deserve it, I'm an inconvenience to others, or I haven't earned it.

To change this I will start recognizing my value and worthiness.  I will love myself enough to take care of my needs.  I will take time to check-in with myself and become aware of what my needs are and whenever possible I will nurture them.  When my needs require help from others I will reach out knowing I am deserving of the assistance I seek. 

Locking myself out of forgiveness.

I am practicing compassionate forgiveness

Not long ago I locked myself out of my office....again. Each time I feel more ridiculous than the last.  I've had to ask the administrative assistant for her keys so I can get back in at least 5 times.  Occasionally when I approach her now with a question before I can say anything she will ask me if I need her keys again. "When will I learn," and "I'm so stupid," are the thoughts that go through my head.

One instance happened about a month ago at 11pm in the evening. I was trying to get caught up and had just finished making some copies when I shut the supply room door at the same moment I realized my keys were sitting on the counter. I felt like an idiot. I didn't want to call anybody and inconvenience them who had keys and I also didn't want to admit to locking myself out.  My wife had just gone to sleep after staying up for 36 hours from a night shift and I couldn't bring myself to call anyone for help to come pick me up. Instead of humbly asking someone for assistance I started the 7 miles it was going to take for me to walk home.  I spent the first 3 miles berating myself until I finally broke down and called my sister for a ride.

We all make mistakes. I am learning that there is no value in harshly judging myself or others. Judging keeps me stuck and walking alone in the dark. I need forgiveness for the mistakes I've made and the ones I have yet to make.  Today I am practicing compassion for myself and others by forgiving. 

IntoMEsee

I see myself fully, and love myself completely

I long for connection with others.  When I feel alone or isolated I am capable of being profoundly sad.  Not a case of the Monday's, moody, woke up on the wrong side of the bed, a little bit gloomy sad. I'm talking about the I can't breath, trapped in a well, can't get out of bed, physically hurts sad.  Unfortunately even when I'm around others who care for me I am still capable of feeling alone in the crowd.

No amount of compliments or expressions of heartfelt affection are capable of penetrating to me in those moments.  I don't have anywhere for them to land because I don't feel lovable.  My greatest barrier to connection is a false belief that I'm not worth loving.  If I want intimacy I need to into-me-see and find the place for love to land.  A place where I recognize my worth and value as inherent and unchangeable.  It is not hard for me to love others, but for that love and connection to be all it is capable of requires that I love myself first.

I know many of the barriers and walls that I build around that place and I will find the affirmations to chip away at them in time.  For today what I need most is to begin seeing in myself something to love.  Not a conditional love requiring me to do something, or be something I'm not, but a love that accepts all of me and sees a timeless worth that is, always has, and always will be there. 

Process > Product

I am patient and accepting of myself and others

I grew up in a small rural community and our house was on 5 acres of land.  My dad loved to garden and used as much of our land as could be managed to grow a variety of crops.  It seemed closer to small scale farming than what most people would consider a normal garden.  I remember many summer mornings weeding row after row of corn feeling like a chain-gang prisoner and I would swear to myself that when I was older I would NEVER have a garden.

Not only do I have a garden but for the last several years I've spent countless hours cutting back a jungle of Pfitzer bushes and hauling off truck load after truck load of branches and roots to make more gardening space.  Although I still don't necessarily enjoy weeding, gardening has a tendency to teach me things and help me connect with myself, nature and my Higher Power.

I am often impatient with myself and others.  In particular if I have something I am trying to change, learn, or improve on, I often want to just get there as quickly as possible.  I don't appreciate the difficulty of the process and focus far too much on the product.  When I reject myself and focus on what I am not, rather than accepting where I am in the process I undermine my own growth.  It creates unreal expectations and distorts how I see things.  When I am patient and understand life as a process of growth and not some race to a finished product I see the world as it should be; full of the various stages of life, beauty and imperfection.

When I garden I do not despise the seed that has not yet begun to flower or bear fruit, just as I should not judge myself and others who are still in the process of growing and blooming. The process is what is important and I will accept myself wherever I am in that journey.  Patiently I will continue to grow and learn. 

Bulletproof

   

I am unshakably me

 Living an authentic life where I attempt to be transparent takes a daily commitment.  It also comes with certain risks. Taking off the mask and being true to who I am can feel scary and vulnerable. When I make that choice it leaves me open to the judgment and criticism of others. Even though I know I can only truly connect by being vulnerable it takes courage to do it.

It is easy for some people to hide behind walls of feigned acceptability, correctness, and self importance while they lob grenades of shame and fire off bullets of judgment at others. I may fear those attacks and want to retreat back behind the old walls of self-protection. I may even want to hide there and return the volley. But that would only  serve to trap me and keep me stuck in a battle where there can be no winner. As I walk boldly into that raging battle of words I realize that I am bulletproof. As I confidently and fearlessly continue walking my path of personal truth I echo the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Stuff your platitudes in a sack

"It's always darkest before the dawn."
"This too shall pass."
"When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hold on."

blah blah blah blah blah

When I actually need it I don't want to hear motivational crap or have someone tell me everything will be alright.  What it feels like for me in those dark places is a sense of utter hopelessness or unfettered anger.  In that place where all my best laid plans seem to be for naught.  The only luck I have is bad.  My good intentions count for nothing.  My hard work is wasted. Things can't possibly get worse but suddenly they do.  What I feel like doing is throwing up my hands and giving up. What's the point in trying? Every time I do it just blows up in my face.  I am misunderstood and harshly judged.  Why not just give up or give back the same shit that others are throwing at me?

Wait.

Wait even a moment longer, then maybe just a minute or two more.  If you can manage to the end of the day even better! I don't suspect things will be all fixed in the morning but it at least has a chance to be just a little more tolerable.  I don't always know how to do that gracefully but whatever works for you grab hold of it and let it carry you just a step or two further, one moment at a time.
Breath, pray, dig in your heels, fight back, curse, weep, throw rocks, or whatever else will keep you from tossing in the towel or throwing it all away.

Hold out, hang on, and wait to see what may come just around the corner. It might be an outstretched hand, a break in the clouds, or another steep hill to climb.  All good stories have these moments.  Wait and turn one more page. 

I wait with patience and perseverance

2 packs, 1 hiker, no water

I am drawing on deep inner strength and accomplishing the amazing

I love stories of courage, strength, and especially when someone seems to overcome impossible odds.  They give me hope and inspire me while at the very same time causing me to doubt myself.   I wish I could do what they did but I'm convinced I can't.
 

The thin line between inspiration and doubt is the battleground I need to fight within myself.  I think there is a reason why those stories resonate deep within me.  I look at the circumstances in my life and I feel like an underdog. 

"How could I possibly overcome this?"
"If only I was stronger, more courageous, motivated, smart....."

Doubt sets in and I lose heart.  I believe everyone is capable of amazing things but for it to be called out of us requires a challenge and the courage to take a step towards our greatness even if we doubt.

Last year I took a trip to Coyote Gulch in Southern Utah with some family.  It was early August and for that time of year it is considered the off-season because of the extreme heat. To stay properly hydrated while hiking in those types of conditions requires around 1.5 liters of water per hour which is just under half a gallon.  The trip was planned for 4 days.  Our longest hike was planned for day 3 and after already hiking for 12 miles that day we had to rethink our plans.  A possible storm was due to arrive the next day and the route we had chosen to climb in and out of the canyon would likely become impassable with any moisture at all on the rock.

It was agreed that we should make the trip back out of the canyon that evening.  It was already late in the afternoon and we were all exhausted.  I was most concerned about my dad who has had trouble with his knees and to hike another 3 miles through the heat, over sand and slick rock, with a full pack was not going to be easy.  My siblings and I let him take a nap while we broke camp and started hauling packs up out of the canyon.  Just getting us and the packs up took far longer than expected and I had already consumed half the water I had packed for the return trip out.  As I saw my Dad struggling to make his way up the climb I decided there was no way I was going to let him strap on his pack for the rest of the hike out.  I knew he would resist and decline the offer so before there was a chance to discuss it I put my pack on and then picked up his and started hiking out.  I wasn't sure how far I could go, but I just kept trying to put one foot in front of the other (even though I couldn't see them.)  I did my best to stay far enough ahead of my father that I could rest when needed but that he still would not be able to catch me.  I ran out of what little warm water I had left half-way back to the truck and the heat was unrelenting, but whenever I thought I couldn't do it any longer I tried to take one more step.  Somehow we all eventually made it back to the vehicle before dark.  I was exhausted but felt a deep sense of satisfaction for having been able to do something that was so difficult.

The struggles I face aren't always so dramatic and usually are internal.  Writing this blog terrifies me sometimes.  I feel vulnerable and I put myself in a place that is very uncomfortable for me.  This affirmation is what I needed and came up with yesterday but I was too afraid to write it.  I doubt my writing, I doubt if it will make a difference for anyone else, I doubt if anyone will want to bother reading it.  Even though I doubt, I am going to take a step. Each step I take beyond the doubt I find that I am capable of more.  A deep well of strength exists within us all to accomplish the amazing in our life.

Take a moment to reflect on some of the things you have accomplished that required courage to push beyond doubt.  How might reminding yourself of that help you push into your current struggles, or begin a new challenge?

Enough?

I am enough, just as I am

I have an unhealthy tendency to constantly compare myself to others.  Whenever I do it is easy to find plenty of ways that I don't measure up.  I begin to feel deficient, that I am not enough.  I don't need to be perfect.  Reaching my potential begins with realizing that I am acceptable just as I am.

I am enough. 

Even when I feel off, I am enough. 

Despite not always being at my best, I am enough. 

In places of grief and darkness, lamenting a loss, I am enough. 

When things didn't go as planned and I am filled with disappointment, I am enough. 

When my weaknesses are in the spotlight for me and all the world to see, I am enough. 

When loneliness closes around me like a cage, I am enough. 

In my brokenness and imperfection, I am still enough. 

And when I accept that I am indeed enough I open myself to the light and love that chases darkness away, that sparks hope and connects me to the human experience of us all. 

Striving, battling, falling, hurting, crying, trying, trudging the long and difficult path of life,

 through it all I am enough.

Walking with outstretched hands

I am walking my path with outstretched hands.

I have heard it suggested, "when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of spending time in and around Yellowstone National Park.  My family had a time-share that was split with my cousins.  Every summer in late July our family and theirs would descend upon a 2 bedroom condominium in Island Park.  About 12-17 of us would pack ourselves from floor to ceiling for a week of fun.  One of our favorite activities would be to go swimming at Firehole in Yellowstone.

Firehole has several natural hot springs that feed into the river that make it warm enough to swim in comfortably.  Just between 2 waterfalls a section of the river winds through some cliffs and widens out into a shallower spot that is ideal for swimming.  We would spend hours floating down from the rapids, jumping out of our favorite tree, and diving from the cliffs.

Source: http://www.donsevers.com/Yellowstone/DSC00108.JPG

To get to the spot where we would jump from the tree or into the rapids you had to first swim across a stretch of river that moved very quickly.  When I was younger it was difficult for me to make it because of the fast current and I was not a strong swimmer.  I couldn't start farther upstream because of a dangerous whirlpool (about half my family nearly drowned in it at one point or another) and if you didn't make it across, the current got stronger and would pull you further down river through a narrow gap before it slowed down and opened up into a wider and shallower spot where you could safely swim out.

The first time I decided to try and cross it took me several minutes to build up the courage to jump in.  Once in the water I paddled furiously.  I started to lose momentum and felt myself being pulled by the current.  Thoughts of making it across had faded as I was now struggling just to stay above water and breath.  I was terrified and felt panic swell inside me.  I couldn't cry out for help and I started to sink.  Suddenly there was an arm in front of me and I desperately grasped at it and felt immense relief as I was pulled across the last few feet to the other side.   

Along my life journey I have learned that I can't overcome all of my trials alone. I don't think I am meant to.  I have had others reach out to me and provide the strength and support I needed in a crucial time of need.  I have also learned that when I reach out to support others it strengthens my own resolve and affirms my personal truths.

When I have that opportunity to grasp someone's hand that is unsteady or has slipped and fallen, it requires me to set my feet firmly and use my leverage to help steady them or lift them up. By planting myself firmly in the personal truths that I have learned from my own mistakes and experiences I both help others along their path while also re-learning and affirming my own truths. I will learn to walk with my hands outstretched to others, so that whenever an opportunity arises my hands will be ready to grab hold of someone reaching out for help. We are never meant to walk alone.

The gift of today

I am fully present in the moment

I wonder sometimes how much of my day I spend living outside the reality of right now.  I am capable of filling my thoughts almost constantly with something other than what I am doing or where I am.  What would life be like if I lived each moment fully present with myself and my surroundings? 

At this time of year it is easy for me to get lost in the nostalgia of the past, or wallow in the memory of some recent mistake.  My memories of those moments seem to get distorted and less realistic as time goes by.  I not only get stuck in the past but I get caught up in the worry of tomorrow.
"What lingering items on my mental to-do list are still incomplete?"
"What if ____________ happens or _____________ doesn't work out?"
I can even disregard everything that is currently happening in my life to focus on the greener pastures of tomorrow.  It doesn't necessarily matter if my thought of yesterday and tomorrow are for good or ill, in both cases I am living outside the reality of today.

The days I spend living in the past or future seem to fade away leaving me with no memories created or lessons learned, they become wasted.  The experiences that often make the biggest difference as I walk my path are the ones I never see coming and that I can only internalize if I am present and ready to receive it.  I can not change yesterday and nothing I do can control the future and that is why it has been said: today is a gift and that is why it's called the present.

Today I will awaken my senses to experience all the beauty around me.
I will set aside the worries of yesterday and tomorrow.
I will breath deeply and ground myself in the moment.
I will receive the gift of today with gratitude and honor it in the only way possible, living it fully.  

All in...no bluffs

I love playing poker.  I hope to get worse at it.

One of the keys of being a great poker player is the ability to hide all signs of emotion.  Being capable of acting the same way whether you are going all in on a bluff, or attempting to coax a call when you have the best hand, is the difference between a great player and someone that can only play the cards they are dealt.  The more carefully I can mask or completely hide my emotions the more successful I can be at the table.  Great for playing poker, awful for life.

Emotions do not want to be suppressed, ignored, buried, hidden, numbed, denied, judged, stuffed, avoided, smoothed-over, boxed-up, or compartmentalized.  Emotions are powerful and determined.  I believe that even if we try to get rid of them they will refuse to go away.  They scream to be acknowledged, understood, felt, and expressed. The only way past an emotion is to go through it. 

I get stuck when I am critical of my emotions. If I judge anger to be a bad emotion and then attempt to bury or ignore it I find that it festers. Often it will either grow into something more powerful like resentment, bitterness, or contempt; or it will find a way to come out sideways.  Suddenly I'm finding a reason to be critical of others or feeling sorry for myself.  I can not select which emotions I feel.  They are intertwined and rely on each other to exist.  Without pain and sorrow could I experience joy and gratitude?

I get too caught up in controlling my emotions.  Emotions are at the core of my humanity.  It is what makes me human and capable of indescribable beauty but also unspeakable evil. They can be powerful teachers.  When I get wrapped up in deciding which emotions are bad or good and what I should or shouldn't feel I mistreat my emotions.  Anger for example can teach me what is important to me and how to stand up for myself and others.  It helps me capture my voice and express myself.  It's easy to see why I might not be alone in judging emotions when all around me I see anger turning to rage.  When emotions are mismanaged it can leave a wake of devastation.

I will learn to acknowledge my feelings:  What emotions am I experiencing?

I will learn to understand them: How do they express themselves within me physically?  What was the triggering event?  What experiences from my past shape the way I think about emotions?

I will learn to feel them:  How do I try to avoid what I am feeling? In what ways do I numb, hide, deny, or stuff my feelings away?  What can I do to learn how to "lean into" my feelings instead of moving away from them?

I will learn to express them:  How should I express my emotions? Should I share my feelings with others? (I usually want to say NO when the answer is often yes.)



My feelings are central to who I am and to deny them is to deny myself.

I embrace my emotions.  I will acknowledge, understand, feel and express them. 

The road more travelled...

I am blazing new pathways and consciously traveling a new road

Last week I was driving my daughter to tumbling when I got a phone call. I had only been talking for a moment when my daughter started hollering at me from the back seat.  I semi-politely told her that I was talking on the phone and that I couldn't hear.  She became more insistent and when it was clear that she was not going to let me talk I asked her less politely what she needed.

"Dad, you're going the wrong way!"

Indeed I was.  I had turned on the road that I typically use to get to the freeway and is one of the most frequent routes I drive.  I sheepishly turned the car around and started in the right direction to get her to the class.

When I am not focused on where I want to go, I end up in the place I've always been.  The pull to walk all of the old pathways in my life is strong.  Even when I'm paying attention I might find myself being pulled to engage in the same old patterns I'm used to.  I've developed patterns in the way I interact with others, how I handle stress, or deal with conflict. In all aspects of my life I've created well worn trails and without thinking I can travel them over and over again.  The pathway to healing or change is not well worn and requires daily effort. Today I will consciously travel the new road that leads me to the destination I want for myself. 

The first step towards healing

I begin the process of healing when I look internally with fearless honesty


About a month ago I joined a neighbor for what has been referred to as "old man basketball."  I love to play and was in dire need of some exercise.  I arrived early to do plenty of stretching as it had been nearly a year since I had last played and the last thing I wanted to do was pull a muscle or hurt myself unnecessarily.  I had just purchased my first motorcycle that week and being able to ride was very high on my priority list.  about 10 minutes into the game I changed directions awkwardly and rolled my ankle over..... (sigh).

I limped around painfully for a moment hoping I could just walk it off but I sensed it was bad.  Determined and dumb I kept playing and running around the court for the next 2 quarters.  Near the end of the game I took a seat and removed my shoe to see that my ankle had disappeared beneath a ball of swollen flesh.  My damaged pride and I raised a white flag and called it quits for the night.

I have twisted ankles before so I started the routine of alternating between a heating pad and an ice pack while I elevated it for the rest of the night.  The next morning my ankle had swollen to the size of a large grapefruit.  A sickly purple color was spreading across my entire foot and I could not bare any of my weight to walk.  I am very fortunate to have a relative with a medical practice and she was kind enough to find a time to see me that morning.  I was hopeful that I could maybe get some crutches, meds to manage the pain, and an atta-boy for having taken proper care of it the night before.  After she took a look at it and manipulated the ankle in a few different directions to assess the damage I was told I had received a grade three sprain, I had probably pulled or torn ligaments, heating the ankle was only agitating it, and that I would need an x-ray to find out if I had shaved any bone chips off my ankle. The last thing I wanted was an x-ray.  I knew what it would cost me for that procedure, and this wasn't at all what I was hoping for or expecting.

I resisted.

"Do I have to?"

Even as the words came out of my mouth they sounded kind of whiny.  I asked what my options were and I was told that if it wasn't broken I could wear an air-cast to stabilize the ankle and keep from damaging it further.  If it was broken I was going to need a boot for several weeks which would mean no riding my motorcycle. NOOOO!!!!! I did not want to lose the chance to ride just days after I had gotten my bike. It was clear that if I wanted to heal properly I was going to have to have it done, regardless of the cost and no matter what the outcome would reveal. 

All of my emotional wounds are internal.  Even if they show on the surface and come out side-ways through anger, fear and other behaviors they originate deeper.  If I hope to heal it will first require self-reflection through looking at myself with painful honesty.  I often resist.  I fear the emotional cost will be too great.  I fear the time and effort it may take for the healing to occur.  What will I have to do if I find out what is wrong? What if I can't fix it? I can always find a reason or justification not to look, but healing happens only after I take that step.  Today I will not be afraid to look inside.  I will look below the obvious pain on the outside to those wounded places that need healing.  I will be willing to look beyond the surface behaviors to the deeper trauma from which they originate.  I will be willing to start the journey of healing.  As I do look inside I will see that by walking (or limping) along the path of healing is the only way for me to find wholeness.  Healing begins after looking into the broken places inside.

Today I look internally with fearless honesty.

(No broken bones! I'm still in an air-cast but I rode the bike today.  36 degrees is a balmy December day and perfect for a ride.)

Comments and discussion are always welcomed!