Herding Cats

I accept the circumstances of my life 

and focus on my process of growth

I wrote this week about going to dinner with my girls to memorialize the passing of Dessi-B. I did not write about how my youngest asked for chocolate milk and when her sisters got their lemonade she wanted lemonade, that one of them ordered spaghetti and more seemed to end up on me than in her mouth, that all 3 of them would talk at me simultaneously asking for something they needed immediately or the world could end, that the youngest screamed "I need to go potty" and then I spent the next 15 minutes running her back and forth to the bathroom multiple times because she claimed she needed to go potty again, or that they knocked roughly 49 forks and spoons onto the floor and needed to be told to stay in their seat approximately 872 times. 

Anyone with kids knows this can also play out in hauntingly similar ways when it is time to go to bed, to eat vegetables, or to clean up. I can feel the tension and frustration that I often get caught up in just thinking about it. I have often compared it to trying to herd cats. 

img source: http://dharmaconsulting.com/wp-content/uploads/herdingcats.jpg

Chaos comes in a variety of forms. The Holidays can feel frantic. I have a pile of grading to do before I can submit grades. Perhaps you can relate to feeling like life is a never-ending ebb and flow of uncontrollable circumstances. Where I find myself getting into difficulty is in my faulty thinking that somehow I can control those chaotic circumstances. 

I have a variety of faulty lines of thinking that come out when I futilely attempt to control the chaotic circumstances of life. Sometimes I try to be perfect and think that if I do everything just right nothing bad will happen. I might look for blame in myself or others. I imagine that if I can find who is at fault and why then I can pin the chaos on them. I sometimes withdraw and self-protect so that I will not have to feel vulnerable in anyway or let others near me. If I choose not to trust anyone they will not be able to hurt me. I close myself off from the world. None of those tactics or the others I have tried seem to work. I am beginning to understand I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. What I can choose is my reaction to those circumstances.

I am most at peace when I accept or let go of the things that I am unable to control. I most definitely know I can not control my girls :) When I let go of the need to control I can start focusing on changing the things I can control - myself. Today I will practice keeping my focus on my own process of growth and let go of my attempts to control circumstances.    

Desirae Blue

I can act as a witness and support for others in their time of need

Last night I said goodbye to "Dessi B."

Cracked frame

Candycane clutch lever!

RIP

After the accident my motorcycle was declared a total loss and non reparable. I went to the tow yard to turn over the key and retrieve a few pieces of personal property I still had on the bike before it goes to salvage. I had my 3 girls with me and as I walked away my 2nd daughter started to cry.

When I had first told her about the accident she wept uncontrollably for an hour. She said she did not want the bike to go to the trash yard and that she never got to say goodbye. She pleaded, "can't you just keep it here at the house and use it for other stuff so I can still see it." In the past she had occasionally referred to it as her bike, and several times we spent time together cleaning it.

Last night when she began crying again my first reaction was to console her and tell her it was okay, that I would have another bike, or that she should not be sad because the important thing was that I was not hurt in the accident. 

I am glad that I did not. 

In the few weeks since I first wrote about grief I have been fortunate to learn a few things. Everyone grieves differently, rushing through the stages of grief does not work, and grieving is an important process to experience. Instead of telling her everything was okay I told her it was okay to feel sad. I asked her about the sadness and we decided to all go out to eat as a memorial. We drew pictures of the bike with crayons and talked about our favorite memories. I gave her the blue reflector license plate bolt as a memento and we all helped pick a spot on the Christmas tree to hang the guardian bell I had been given that had been on the bike. 

It was hard for me to see her sadness but I am privileged that she shared it with me. I was grateful to have an opportunity to witness and support her grieving process and to sit with her in the pain she was feeling. I know the burden is lighter for me when supported by the hands of others and it is a gift when I have the opportunity to do the same for others. It is so much nicer walking this path together!