I Wanna Bubba

I am open to life's lessons and opportunities for growth

My youngest daughter loves to drink bubbas (bottles), particularly juice bubbas. I think if she had her druthers she would prefer to drink all of her meals through a bottle. I thought that by trying to slowly ween her off of the bubbas she would eventually make the switch to a sippy cup or regular cup. I have had no such luck with that. It was magical thinking to believe that this was a change that would come easily. When she asks for one and I suggest she only needs a bubba for bed-times she insists firmly and persistently that a bubba is exactly what she needs and nothing else will do. 

"I wanna juice bubba dad. Daddy please give me a bubba. I wanna bubba! I WANNA BUBBAAA!!!"

This can also escalate to her delivering blows with her tiny fists or well placed kicks to my shins.  

After taking her out for a one on one daddy daughter date last week I let her know that she was growing up to be a big girl and it was time to say goodbye to the bubbas. She seemed to take it relatively well at the time. There was some sadness but she seemed at least moderately excited to tell her sisters and mom that she was a big girl and giving up the bubbas. That was relatively short lived. The intensity of her bubba rants has increased exponentially and it has been difficult for her to make the transition.

When I am faced with situations that force change I sometimes find myself throwing the same type of fit as my daughter does over her bubbas. Change often requires letting go but I am often resistant, even defiant at the idea. Life presents multiple opportunities for my personal growth and they often come whether I am prepared or not. How I view those opportunities and the level of willingness I have to make changes is a choice. Focusing on what I think I may have to lose rather than what I may gain does not leave me open to change. Prefering the comfort of what is known over the uncertainty of what is possible also stunts my growth. 

To reach my full potential I will open myself to change and the opportunities life presents for my personal growth and development.

Happy Blogiversary

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and change

This week last year I created Canffirmations. It was an important step in my journey of personal growth. My hope at the time was that making my affirmations public would help create accountability for myself in continuing to write them, give me an opportunity to practice vulnerability, and perhaps make a difference for others forging their own paths of change. 

I have enormous gratitude for each of you who have supported me in this process. Without the encouragement and feedback I have received the blog would not be what it is today. From amazing guest posts to privately sent messages I have been blessed by your willingness to share a part of your journey and to witness me traveling mine. It is so much nicer walking together! 

Growing Pains

I embrace the truth and pain necessary to grow

I am not sure what time it was last night when I awoke from a much needed deep sleep by the screams of my youngest daughter. It took some time to understand what she was saying but her pain was coming from her legs. She did not want any medicine but kept crying and saying how her legs hurt as she would grab at her knees. I think she was feeling intense growing pains. 

I stopped expanding laterally some time ago, but after last night I was able to recall some of the same pains I felt when I hit a growth spurt around the age of 15. I have learned that pain is a teacher, and I think that it is also a needed part of the growth process. 

I have heard it said that truth will set you free, and that the truth hurts. I think that when we encounter truth it is an opportunity for expansion and growth. The truth can at times be painful. I think of how when I am honest in the self reflection and examination of my life, that it reveals truths about myself that can be painful to face. There have been times I have compartmentalized my life so I did not have to look at some of those unbearable truths. As long as I keep them hidden they can not teach me and I am stunted in my growth. When I embrace truth internally and express it externally it is freeing. It does not come without pain, and that is when I have opportunity to grow. 

Herding Cats

I accept the circumstances of my life 

and focus on my process of growth

I wrote this week about going to dinner with my girls to memorialize the passing of Dessi-B. I did not write about how my youngest asked for chocolate milk and when her sisters got their lemonade she wanted lemonade, that one of them ordered spaghetti and more seemed to end up on me than in her mouth, that all 3 of them would talk at me simultaneously asking for something they needed immediately or the world could end, that the youngest screamed "I need to go potty" and then I spent the next 15 minutes running her back and forth to the bathroom multiple times because she claimed she needed to go potty again, or that they knocked roughly 49 forks and spoons onto the floor and needed to be told to stay in their seat approximately 872 times. 

Anyone with kids knows this can also play out in hauntingly similar ways when it is time to go to bed, to eat vegetables, or to clean up. I can feel the tension and frustration that I often get caught up in just thinking about it. I have often compared it to trying to herd cats. 

img source: http://dharmaconsulting.com/wp-content/uploads/herdingcats.jpg

Chaos comes in a variety of forms. The Holidays can feel frantic. I have a pile of grading to do before I can submit grades. Perhaps you can relate to feeling like life is a never-ending ebb and flow of uncontrollable circumstances. Where I find myself getting into difficulty is in my faulty thinking that somehow I can control those chaotic circumstances. 

I have a variety of faulty lines of thinking that come out when I futilely attempt to control the chaotic circumstances of life. Sometimes I try to be perfect and think that if I do everything just right nothing bad will happen. I might look for blame in myself or others. I imagine that if I can find who is at fault and why then I can pin the chaos on them. I sometimes withdraw and self-protect so that I will not have to feel vulnerable in anyway or let others near me. If I choose not to trust anyone they will not be able to hurt me. I close myself off from the world. None of those tactics or the others I have tried seem to work. I am beginning to understand I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. What I can choose is my reaction to those circumstances.

I am most at peace when I accept or let go of the things that I am unable to control. I most definitely know I can not control my girls :) When I let go of the need to control I can start focusing on changing the things I can control - myself. Today I will practice keeping my focus on my own process of growth and let go of my attempts to control circumstances.    

Moving forward

I am growing and moving forward

The place where I work is nestled in the beautiful foothills just below a breathtaking stretch of the Rocky Mountains.

On the road I ride to school there is a stoplight on a steep incline. When I first started riding it made me a little nervous when I would run into a red light. To avoid rolling backward I would have to keep the brake on firmly. When the light turned green I would have to accelerate while simultaneously letting off the brake and slowly releasing the clutch. If I did not give it enough gas I would run the risk of stalling, too much and it posed a different set of problems. 

I have found that the process of change feels very much like trying to ride up that hill. If I stop, the natural tendency is to roll backwards and starting back up again can be a little tricky. I know some of the old patterns that are behind me in the rear-view mirror and I am not interested in rolling back to visit those places again. If I am not moving forward I am almost assuredly stuck or at risk of sliding backward. I choose to continue moving forward in my process of growth and change. I fuel that movement through self care, nurturing my authentic self, daily practices that foster my change processes and by looking towards where I want to be. 

Stand tall

I rise to the occasion and the full stature of who I am becoming

I am 37 years old, 6'3" and weigh in around 220 pounds. There are times when I feel more like I am 10 years old or 6 inches tall than what I see reflected in the mirror. When I am in certain situations or with particular people I shrink, I revert back to places I left long ago but that return instantly. A place where I felt frightened, alone, incapable, abandoned and small. I feel like a child and I am likely to act like one as well. I feel myself shrinking into defensiveness, losing my voice and confidence, reliving old wounds and taking on roles and behaviors that I thought I had grown out of.  

I no longer fit in those places. As I continue on my path I recognize that even when I travel a road that may seem familiar to experiences from the past, I am no longer who I was then. I have grown emotionally, spiritually, and mentally just as I have physically. When confronted with those old familiar places I will not shrink but rise to the measure and stature I have earned through the hard work of lessons learned well. 

Letting the light in

Life is springing forth from my imperfections

 This past summer several of my siblings and I did a backpacking trip through Coyote Gulch. I spent many hours hiking through the canyon awed by the towering cliffs surrounding me.  The face of the red rock walls were mostly sheer and barren, save for the dark streaks left behind by water spilling over from the top of the steep canyon walls. At one point on the hike I looked up and was surprised to see a large bush growing straight out of the wall hundreds of feet above the canyon floor.  From a small crack or imperfection in that majestic rock, life was able to spring forth.

When I see my cracks and imperfections I am faced with a choice. I could choose to fear the vulnerability those imperfections make me feel and I can try to hide it.  I can shield myself with the ideals of perfectionism, divert attention by controlling or criticizing the imperfections of others, or maybe keep it secret and poison it with shame.

I am human and if I choose to instead look at my imperfections as opportunities, I nurture the life that can spring forth from those places. My cracks and imperfections open a space inside me, and when I allow myself to be authentic and vulnerable those imperfections are bathed in the light of grace.  That light shines through nourishing seeds of hope that can gain traction through roots of gratitude.  As I grow from the mistakes I make and the lessons I learn, I see my imperfections bearing the fruits of joy and connection with my Higher Power and others.
 

Mom's spaghetti

I embrace the possibilities of change

When I was about 5 years old my parents went on a trip to Hawaii.  I was not invited.  To either spread the joy, or disperse the trouble, my 4 siblings and I were split up and sent to the homes of various family and friends.  I wanted to stay with my grandparents but ended up at a neighbor's house at the other end of the block.  

I do not have a great many childhood memories at that age but I do remember not liking the week I spent away from home.  Everything at the neighbors house was different.  They interacted differently than at my house and worst of all they ate different food.  I refused to eat anything that they fixed except for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  After multiple unsuccessful attempts to get me to eat anything else I was asked what food I liked.  "Spaghetti," I announced.  That night they fixed spaghetti for dinner and after one bite I declared, "this doesn't taste like my mom's spaghetti," and declined to eat anymore of the foreign noodles and sauce that had been place before me.  I was not open to a change in routine, environment and especially not my diet.  

I have since come to realize the constant prospect of change in my life.  Change comes even if I fight against it.  Rather than attempting to halt the inevitable I will instead choose how I respond to it.  I will avoid clinging so tightly to the past that I leave claw marks behind, I will instead see the possibilities that each change can bring.  Change is part of the growth and learning process and if I embrace it's possibilities each movement and shift in my life becomes not an end, but a new beginning brimming with possibilities.  One of those possibilities is the opportunity to take on new challenges and to stretch myself.  I am capable of learning and growing from the changes in my life if I see them as a necessary and natural part of the process that can help me reach my full potential.  

 All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.  ~Ellen Glasgow 

We don't need no water...

I embrace the fire of growth

The giant Sequoia tree is the largest living thing on earth and one of the most awe inspiring sights I have ever witnessed in nature. I can still remember the trip with my grandparents through Northern California when I first saw one as a boy.  They can grow over 300 feet tall and live for thousands of years. To me one of the most impressive and fascinating aspects about them is their relationship with fire. For most trees wildfires are the most devastating and destructive force possible, but for Sequoias it is central to their life cycle.

image source: http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGS/Shared/StaticFiles/Photography/Images/POD/s/sequoia-forest-fire-505503-ga.jpg

During a forest fire the heat triggers Sequoia pine cones to release their seeds.  Meanwhile the fire clears away dead growth and debris on the forest floor making room for more sunlight to shine through.  When the fire is gone it also leaves behind a bed of fertile ash that nourish the seeds as they grow.

As I travel my path and find myself in the process of growth and change I often feel as if I am in the middle of a firestorm that threatens to consume me.  I fear that it may burn wildly and leave nothing but barren scorched earth in its' wake.  The fire of conflict, adversity, pain, and struggle is also capable of refining me.  That fire clears out the old parts of me and prepares me for renewal.  I will recognize it as a part of the cycle of life and necessary for change and growth.
 

image source: http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/naturelibrary/images/ic/credit/640x395/s/se/sequoiadendron/sequoiadendron_1.jpg