I like to go fast!

I am facing my problems

Today I unknowingly found myself in a high-speed freeway chase. After a lot of snowy and cold days this past month I was able to enjoy some warmer weather today.  While riding my bike on I-15 I noticed the car in front of me begin to break and pull over rapidly into the left hand emergency lane for no clear reason.  I adjusted my mirror and noticed flashing lights and at that moment began to hear a siren.   

Apparently a peace officer had been attempting to bring to my attention that I was traveling at a rate of speed designated as unlawful.  Because my mirror has a tendency to shake loose from the vibrations of my bike at high speeds I was unaware that I was being followed.  When the officers approached my vehicle the sheriff said, "did you not see us or hear the sirens? I've been following you for 2 miles."  I was somewhat surprised by the question and told her that I didn't know they were there until the car in front of me started to pull over.  She took my license and went back to the vehicle.  After a few minutes I noticed the other officer was standing a couple of feet behind me.  I apologized for not pulling over immediately and told him that she seemed annoyed that they had to follow me for awhile.  "Yeah, we thought you were running so we called it in as a car chase.  About 3 or 4 other police were on the way."  

Though it was not my intention, I was running from my problems.  My bike goes pretty fast in comparison to the big SUV the police were using but it certainly does not go faster than the speed of a police radio.  Whether big or small trying to run from problems does not seem to work.  If I try to avoid one problem it can easily multiply into something bigger.  I imagine that if I had kept going and they had not called off the other police joining in the chase, I would have received more than a speeding violation.  When I face my problems and take accountability for them it develops integrity and helps me be true to my authentic self.  Problems sometimes provide opportunity, some hold lessons, and others may allow me to develop strength and resilience.  Today I will face my problems directly and avoid complicating them through running away.  

 

Crying in the dark

I can share my feelings with others

I have come to realize that my emotions have a heavy sway on my life.  I think that ever since I was a child I was keenly sensitive to the feelings of myself and others.  Emotions are what makes me human and gives richness to my life, but knowing what to do with them has not always been my strong suit. 

I learned a few things about my emotions growing up, not all of which have helped me cope with them competently.  I learned as a kid that I should only feel certain emotions, and no matter what I was feeling there are very strict rules about expressing them.  I learned to ignore certain emotions, hide others, and I even learned to shame myself if I felt a certain way.  I learned in school to ignore my feelings if they did not match what I thought.  I started to question the way I had often made decisions based on my "gut" and this further disconnected me from my emotions.  I did not learn until much later in life that I was exhibiting symptoms of chronic depression from a very early age and that not everyone feels emotion the same way I always had.  

Middle School was a rough time for me and I often endured bullying along with the normal awkwardness that comes for all kids that age.  My parents had a collection of records from the Time Life Classical Composers series.  Nothing spoke to the depths of my sorrow and struck the chords of sadness like Grieg could.  Sometimes after school I would go down into the basement, turn off the lights and listen to one song over and over in the dark.  I would lay on the floor and cry as the music and my emotions crashed over me in waves.  I was learning that certain emotions should be experienced alone, and kept to myself.  Some of these lessons have stuck with me and I am now working to unlearn them.  

Isolation and putting on masks to hide how I am feeling does not work for me anymore.  I can not live an authentic life or develop the type of deep and meaningful connections with others I want unless I am willing to share how I feel.  This does not mean I do it indiscriminately or without purpose, but with those I trust I must learn to share all of me and that includes the emotions I have always kept hidden.  Sharing them helps me gain perspective, receive support and guidance, bonds me with others and relieves me of the burden of carrying around unresolved emotions.  

I have had some of those feelings this week I had previously learned to hide.  I have been more withdrawn and it has affected many areas of my life.  I stopped writing here for a couple of days and isolated myself from others.  I am fortunate to have the encouraging support of friends and family whose reaching out during that time, unbeknownst to them, helped me find a way to express my feelings and come up from the basement of my childhood and find voice for my emotions. 

Story time

I can share my story with others

Walking the path of authenticity is brutal sometimes.  Most of the month of February has been tough and this past week especially.  I faced challenges I did not expect, my health has been under attack, and a myriad of tiny problems piled on one after another.  I know the path I have chosen is not an easy one, but I still have a difficult time keeping my head up when things get heavy.

I used to have a reoccurring nightmare where I had to get away from some sort of danger and it was as if I was running in slow motion.  My feet felt as if they were trapped in cement and the feeling of helplessness and frustration is overwhelming.  It has felt like that for me lately and I hate it.  I hate talking about it even more.

My experiences can benefit others only if I am willing to share my story.  It is not because I have answers but rather it is because when I am transparent I validate the struggles of others and affirm that I am enough.  I hope that everyone has experienced that rare and valuable moment when someone you think has everything together stops pretending and shares openly.  In that moment of honesty true connection is forged and strengthens the hearts of us all.  When I share not just my victories but also my vulnerabilities it can bring hope and courage to continue on our journeys. 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."  Brene Brown