Locking myself out of forgiveness.

I am practicing compassionate forgiveness

Not long ago I locked myself out of my office....again. Each time I feel more ridiculous than the last.  I've had to ask the administrative assistant for her keys so I can get back in at least 5 times.  Occasionally when I approach her now with a question before I can say anything she will ask me if I need her keys again. "When will I learn," and "I'm so stupid," are the thoughts that go through my head.

One instance happened about a month ago at 11pm in the evening. I was trying to get caught up and had just finished making some copies when I shut the supply room door at the same moment I realized my keys were sitting on the counter. I felt like an idiot. I didn't want to call anybody and inconvenience them who had keys and I also didn't want to admit to locking myself out.  My wife had just gone to sleep after staying up for 36 hours from a night shift and I couldn't bring myself to call anyone for help to come pick me up. Instead of humbly asking someone for assistance I started the 7 miles it was going to take for me to walk home.  I spent the first 3 miles berating myself until I finally broke down and called my sister for a ride.

We all make mistakes. I am learning that there is no value in harshly judging myself or others. Judging keeps me stuck and walking alone in the dark. I need forgiveness for the mistakes I've made and the ones I have yet to make.  Today I am practicing compassion for myself and others by forgiving. 

IntoMEsee

I see myself fully, and love myself completely

I long for connection with others.  When I feel alone or isolated I am capable of being profoundly sad.  Not a case of the Monday's, moody, woke up on the wrong side of the bed, a little bit gloomy sad. I'm talking about the I can't breath, trapped in a well, can't get out of bed, physically hurts sad.  Unfortunately even when I'm around others who care for me I am still capable of feeling alone in the crowd.

No amount of compliments or expressions of heartfelt affection are capable of penetrating to me in those moments.  I don't have anywhere for them to land because I don't feel lovable.  My greatest barrier to connection is a false belief that I'm not worth loving.  If I want intimacy I need to into-me-see and find the place for love to land.  A place where I recognize my worth and value as inherent and unchangeable.  It is not hard for me to love others, but for that love and connection to be all it is capable of requires that I love myself first.

I know many of the barriers and walls that I build around that place and I will find the affirmations to chip away at them in time.  For today what I need most is to begin seeing in myself something to love.  Not a conditional love requiring me to do something, or be something I'm not, but a love that accepts all of me and sees a timeless worth that is, always has, and always will be there. 

Process > Product

I am patient and accepting of myself and others

I grew up in a small rural community and our house was on 5 acres of land.  My dad loved to garden and used as much of our land as could be managed to grow a variety of crops.  It seemed closer to small scale farming than what most people would consider a normal garden.  I remember many summer mornings weeding row after row of corn feeling like a chain-gang prisoner and I would swear to myself that when I was older I would NEVER have a garden.

Not only do I have a garden but for the last several years I've spent countless hours cutting back a jungle of Pfitzer bushes and hauling off truck load after truck load of branches and roots to make more gardening space.  Although I still don't necessarily enjoy weeding, gardening has a tendency to teach me things and help me connect with myself, nature and my Higher Power.

I am often impatient with myself and others.  In particular if I have something I am trying to change, learn, or improve on, I often want to just get there as quickly as possible.  I don't appreciate the difficulty of the process and focus far too much on the product.  When I reject myself and focus on what I am not, rather than accepting where I am in the process I undermine my own growth.  It creates unreal expectations and distorts how I see things.  When I am patient and understand life as a process of growth and not some race to a finished product I see the world as it should be; full of the various stages of life, beauty and imperfection.

When I garden I do not despise the seed that has not yet begun to flower or bear fruit, just as I should not judge myself and others who are still in the process of growing and blooming. The process is what is important and I will accept myself wherever I am in that journey.  Patiently I will continue to grow and learn. 

Bulletproof

   

I am unshakably me

 Living an authentic life where I attempt to be transparent takes a daily commitment.  It also comes with certain risks. Taking off the mask and being true to who I am can feel scary and vulnerable. When I make that choice it leaves me open to the judgment and criticism of others. Even though I know I can only truly connect by being vulnerable it takes courage to do it.

It is easy for some people to hide behind walls of feigned acceptability, correctness, and self importance while they lob grenades of shame and fire off bullets of judgment at others. I may fear those attacks and want to retreat back behind the old walls of self-protection. I may even want to hide there and return the volley. But that would only  serve to trap me and keep me stuck in a battle where there can be no winner. As I walk boldly into that raging battle of words I realize that I am bulletproof. As I confidently and fearlessly continue walking my path of personal truth I echo the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Stuff your platitudes in a sack

"It's always darkest before the dawn."
"This too shall pass."
"When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hold on."

blah blah blah blah blah

When I actually need it I don't want to hear motivational crap or have someone tell me everything will be alright.  What it feels like for me in those dark places is a sense of utter hopelessness or unfettered anger.  In that place where all my best laid plans seem to be for naught.  The only luck I have is bad.  My good intentions count for nothing.  My hard work is wasted. Things can't possibly get worse but suddenly they do.  What I feel like doing is throwing up my hands and giving up. What's the point in trying? Every time I do it just blows up in my face.  I am misunderstood and harshly judged.  Why not just give up or give back the same shit that others are throwing at me?

Wait.

Wait even a moment longer, then maybe just a minute or two more.  If you can manage to the end of the day even better! I don't suspect things will be all fixed in the morning but it at least has a chance to be just a little more tolerable.  I don't always know how to do that gracefully but whatever works for you grab hold of it and let it carry you just a step or two further, one moment at a time.
Breath, pray, dig in your heels, fight back, curse, weep, throw rocks, or whatever else will keep you from tossing in the towel or throwing it all away.

Hold out, hang on, and wait to see what may come just around the corner. It might be an outstretched hand, a break in the clouds, or another steep hill to climb.  All good stories have these moments.  Wait and turn one more page. 

I wait with patience and perseverance

2 packs, 1 hiker, no water

I am drawing on deep inner strength and accomplishing the amazing

I love stories of courage, strength, and especially when someone seems to overcome impossible odds.  They give me hope and inspire me while at the very same time causing me to doubt myself.   I wish I could do what they did but I'm convinced I can't.
 

The thin line between inspiration and doubt is the battleground I need to fight within myself.  I think there is a reason why those stories resonate deep within me.  I look at the circumstances in my life and I feel like an underdog. 

"How could I possibly overcome this?"
"If only I was stronger, more courageous, motivated, smart....."

Doubt sets in and I lose heart.  I believe everyone is capable of amazing things but for it to be called out of us requires a challenge and the courage to take a step towards our greatness even if we doubt.

Last year I took a trip to Coyote Gulch in Southern Utah with some family.  It was early August and for that time of year it is considered the off-season because of the extreme heat. To stay properly hydrated while hiking in those types of conditions requires around 1.5 liters of water per hour which is just under half a gallon.  The trip was planned for 4 days.  Our longest hike was planned for day 3 and after already hiking for 12 miles that day we had to rethink our plans.  A possible storm was due to arrive the next day and the route we had chosen to climb in and out of the canyon would likely become impassable with any moisture at all on the rock.

It was agreed that we should make the trip back out of the canyon that evening.  It was already late in the afternoon and we were all exhausted.  I was most concerned about my dad who has had trouble with his knees and to hike another 3 miles through the heat, over sand and slick rock, with a full pack was not going to be easy.  My siblings and I let him take a nap while we broke camp and started hauling packs up out of the canyon.  Just getting us and the packs up took far longer than expected and I had already consumed half the water I had packed for the return trip out.  As I saw my Dad struggling to make his way up the climb I decided there was no way I was going to let him strap on his pack for the rest of the hike out.  I knew he would resist and decline the offer so before there was a chance to discuss it I put my pack on and then picked up his and started hiking out.  I wasn't sure how far I could go, but I just kept trying to put one foot in front of the other (even though I couldn't see them.)  I did my best to stay far enough ahead of my father that I could rest when needed but that he still would not be able to catch me.  I ran out of what little warm water I had left half-way back to the truck and the heat was unrelenting, but whenever I thought I couldn't do it any longer I tried to take one more step.  Somehow we all eventually made it back to the vehicle before dark.  I was exhausted but felt a deep sense of satisfaction for having been able to do something that was so difficult.

The struggles I face aren't always so dramatic and usually are internal.  Writing this blog terrifies me sometimes.  I feel vulnerable and I put myself in a place that is very uncomfortable for me.  This affirmation is what I needed and came up with yesterday but I was too afraid to write it.  I doubt my writing, I doubt if it will make a difference for anyone else, I doubt if anyone will want to bother reading it.  Even though I doubt, I am going to take a step. Each step I take beyond the doubt I find that I am capable of more.  A deep well of strength exists within us all to accomplish the amazing in our life.

Take a moment to reflect on some of the things you have accomplished that required courage to push beyond doubt.  How might reminding yourself of that help you push into your current struggles, or begin a new challenge?

Enough?

I am enough, just as I am

I have an unhealthy tendency to constantly compare myself to others.  Whenever I do it is easy to find plenty of ways that I don't measure up.  I begin to feel deficient, that I am not enough.  I don't need to be perfect.  Reaching my potential begins with realizing that I am acceptable just as I am.

I am enough. 

Even when I feel off, I am enough. 

Despite not always being at my best, I am enough. 

In places of grief and darkness, lamenting a loss, I am enough. 

When things didn't go as planned and I am filled with disappointment, I am enough. 

When my weaknesses are in the spotlight for me and all the world to see, I am enough. 

When loneliness closes around me like a cage, I am enough. 

In my brokenness and imperfection, I am still enough. 

And when I accept that I am indeed enough I open myself to the light and love that chases darkness away, that sparks hope and connects me to the human experience of us all. 

Striving, battling, falling, hurting, crying, trying, trudging the long and difficult path of life,

 through it all I am enough.