Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I am authentic and vulnerable

I do not like to admit I'm wrong, I hate making mistakes, and I struggle being vulnerable.  Why is that so painful for me to do? 

My answer to that discomfort is to isolate, to run and hide. I have masks that I can put on in any situation.  I do it to protect myself but it does not work for me anymore.  Transparency reveals the true me and allows it to emerge.

We all carry secrets. I think most of us believe that our imperfections and mistakes are somehow much worse than everyone else's and that if anyone knew how could we ever be loved? We create masks and illusions of the great and powerful Oz while our true self gets shoved behind a curtain where it withers. It is simply exhausting trying to always pretend.

Honesty, vulnerability, authenticity and letting go of all the secrets strips away the illusions that I hide behind. I am worthy and lovable in all of my imperfections and when I am courageous in that vulnerability with others it can create true compassion and connection.  I am willing to risk the pain of vulnerability for the exquisite connection that emerges from authenticity. 

Busyness as vice

I am consciously engaged

Functioning on auto-pilot or killing time will not help me accomplish my goals or avoid unwanted living patterns. When I am engaged in making conscious decisions about my life and actively pursuing my goals it keeps me pointed towards where I want to be. It matters less if I accomplish them but more if I am making choices that keep me moving in the right direction.

Life is not a bunch of things to get checked off a master to-do list. It is also not about just being "busy," because that can just as easily be a type of unconscious living. Sometimes resting, playing, connecting, or just being in the moment is the most important type of conscious living I can be engaged in. I am a human being, not a human doing, and today I am consciously engaged in that process.

Dreaming

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I find hope and redemption in my suffering

Driving in the car today I had an opportunity to listen to my all-time favorite speech, Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream." He delivered it on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in 1963.  As I was listening I was moved by a few lines that felt particularly poignant to me that I had not paid attention to before.

"I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive." (italics added)

Although I am unable to understand what those experiences of injustice and racism were like during that time, I take inspiration for my own trials by how he viewed suffering and hope.  I have often thought that some of the circumstances of my life are unfair and it was if I was being battered by storms.

"Where is the justice?"
"Why me?" 

Some of my suffering comes at the hands of others who have hurt me.  It is also likely that I have caused others to suffer.  How do I respond to unearned suffering?  Do I see it as a doorway to bitterness, or a pathway to redemption?  Here is what Dr. King had to say:

"My personal trials have also taught me the value of unmerited suffering. As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways that I could respond to my situation: either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course. Recognizing the necessity for suffering I have tried to make of it virtue. If only to save myself from bitterness, I have attempted to see my personal ordeals as an opportunity to transform myself and heal the people involved in the tragic situation, which now obtains. I have lived these last few years with the conviction that unearned suffering is redemptive."

Martin Luther King Jr (1929 - 1968)

The creative force that he harnessed changed the course of history and affected millions of lives.  Although he suffered challenges and persecution he maintained hope.  Here is another excerpt from his speech: 

"...This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. [italics added] With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day."

What can I learn from the suffering in my life?  How can I find hope in even the most dire of circumstances?  Today I will see redemption in my suffering and hope in times of despair. 

A heaping plate of me

I am nourishing the me I want to be

I am beautifully imperfect.  I have the capacity for love, anger, fear, hope, compassion, greed, envy, humility, hatred and all the best and worst of what it means to be human. I haven't always wanted to admit to the dark potential I hold but to deny something or ignore it only gives it strength.

If I feed bitterness it will grow, if I look for ways to be forgiving it will expand. My choice in every circumstance and experience is not what parts of my humanness is exposed, but which of those parts of me I will nourish and allow to grow.  I will allow myself to feel it all and then expand the parts of me that are consistent with my authentic self.

What opportunities do I have to nurture who I want to be today?

Professor Pain

I learn from my pain

My daughter slipped off of the counter-top this morning.  It was not the first time nor is it likely to be the last.  She likes to play on it, balance herself like she's an Olympic gymnast, and other exciting but equally dangerous activities for a 4 year old.  She got hurt, but probably not badly enough to stop.

I accept pain as my teacher. What limited wisdom I may have usually comes from the experience gained from making mistakes. Those mistakes usually involve pain. Whether the pain is emotional or physical it signals me I have something I can learn. Unfortunately the lesson is not always obvious. Sometimes the pain is trying to teach me to avoid something but at other times the pain is inviting me to embrace and experience something.

Pain is powerful but it can also be quickly forgotten, numbed, or suppressed in various ways. Unless I embrace pain as a teacher and learn the lessons it wants to teach me I am destined to repeat those same mistakes and re-experience the pain. During my time in the classroom I have learned that you can't teach anybody something that they don't want to learn. No matter how powerful and insistent pain may call out to me it is in vain and can not teach me anything until I am willing to experience it and learn.