Fearless 6yr old

I can face my fears

I have had several experiences today that have kept me thinking about the many areas I need growth and improvement in.  I lost patience more than once today, wrestled with some anger and resentment, recognized my need for better boundaries, plenty of areas I could find ways to work on affirming the changes I want to make.  I started writing when my oldest daughter came down stairs.  We had just finished a rather dramatic bedtime again and even though we figured things out eventually it was one of the moments today where I lost my patience.  

She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was about to write my affirmation for today.  Instead of writing what I had originally planned I would instead like to share with you our conversation and let it stand as is for today's affirmation.  I believe this came as a result of what happened last week and affirms the power of  showing up .

 

"What are you going to write about?"

"I think I'm going to write about boundaries."

"You could write about facing your fears."

"Yeah, that's a good idea.  What kind of fears are you facing right now?"

"Like facing your fears when you don't know something and you find out about it."

"So facing your fears by finding out stuff about things you don't know about?"

"Yeah."

"What do you do to face your fears when you don't know something."
 

"Asking somebody for help."

"So you can face your fears by asking for help from others when you don't know what to do?"

"Yeah."

Keep shut when not in use

I am not defined by my past

I am 6'3" living in a house that was not built with me in mind.  The basement door frames are 6'2" high and anytime I forget that fact I am given a painful reminder.  It has become second nature to duck whenever I go through a door even when I am not at home.  Much worse than the doors however is a cupboard that was built directly above the bathroom toilet.  It is convenient for keeping toiletries in but can also be a nuisance.  With the cupboard open I am roughly eye-level with the second shelf, and more than once I have slammed my head into it when getting up from using the toilet. One of those instances had me seeing stars and left a nasty goose egg.

At times it can be useful to look into the past.  When I get discouraged it may be useful to glance back and see the progress I have made.  I might also need to look back to have perspective on past choices and the lessons learned from them.  When I look back I might be reminded that I have come through difficult challenges and can do hard things.  I might even see mistakes I want to avoid in the future and make amends for.  Each of these reasons and more can be a useful reason for opening the door on the past.  However, it is important after each opening to again close the door.  Lingering on past mistakes distracts my focus from the present.  Living in regret hinders the accomplishment of my current goals.  Pining for memories of the past that are often conveniently rewritten, blocks my ability to feel joy.  Leaving the door of resentment and painful wounds open can even leave me stuck reliving and recreating them again and again.

I need my past to teach me, focus me, remind me, and guide me. I also need it to stay firmly shut where it should be, in the past.  My past does not define me unless I leave the door open when not in use. 

No thanks, all full up here

My dump is closed

My office needs a little cleaning out.  As I was trying to organize some papers I found myself putting many of them into my "junk drawer." What I usually shove into that drawer is anything that I am not sure what to do with, or things that I am not ready or willing to deal with.  I have had various junk drawers, boxes, rooms, and sheds over the years.  Sometimes I collect a lot of unnecessary items for the "just in case" moments.  I have moved these items, shuffled them around but rarely, if ever, have I used them.  They essentially amount to clutter.

I carry around more than just physical trash.  Looking internally I see a collection of unexpressed feelings, unresolved conflicts, relational problems, self-defeating thoughts, unrealized goals, and regrets.  Sometimes when others bring their own junk and lay it at my feet I think that perhaps I should just add it to my pile.  I may even welcome it because it can be a distraction or excuse not to handle my own issues that need cleaning up.  I might falsely believe that if I can handle their garbage it will somehow take care of my own.  As I collect more trash it can start to become difficult to sort out what is mine and what is not.  This is particularly true when accused, bullied, manipulated, cajoled, made out to be a villain, or supplicated as a rescuer as a reason for taking on what is not mine.  I have plenty of garbage to manage on my own without assuming the responsibility for things that are neither my responsibility nor within my power to fix.  I have my own path to walk and on that journey I can take accountability for what is mine and also recognize when something is not my responsibility to assume.  I will work on what I can internally while maintaining healthy boundaries.  To take on what is not my responsibility robs others of the opportunity to grow and hijacks my own process.  

Road trip

I approach life with patience

Last year we took our 2 oldest children to Disneyland.  It was decided that we would split the drive to California over 2 days, but that no mention of the happiest place on earth would be made until after we had arrived.  At first it was tough to dodge some of the frequent questions about where we were going, but it was much better than 11 hours of, "are we there yet?"  My girls' enthusiasm always trumps their ability to be patient and present in the moment.  In that same sense I am often guilty of impatience with myself when considering my growth process. 

I am not where I want to be...yet. It does not matter that I have not reached my destination. I am exactly where I need to be right now.  Even when I do reach a goal, I may see that I still have further to go in refining the vision I have for myself.

The product of my hopes is only relevant in its' ability to help me chart my course. From that point my task is not to lament the distance I have yet to travel, but to set myself in motion and patiently persevere. My focus is to take a single conscious breath, and then another. To take one step in faith, and then another.  In so doing I patiently embrace the process of living.

Mom's spaghetti

I embrace the possibilities of change

When I was about 5 years old my parents went on a trip to Hawaii.  I was not invited.  To either spread the joy, or disperse the trouble, my 4 siblings and I were split up and sent to the homes of various family and friends.  I wanted to stay with my grandparents but ended up at a neighbor's house at the other end of the block.  

I do not have a great many childhood memories at that age but I do remember not liking the week I spent away from home.  Everything at the neighbors house was different.  They interacted differently than at my house and worst of all they ate different food.  I refused to eat anything that they fixed except for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  After multiple unsuccessful attempts to get me to eat anything else I was asked what food I liked.  "Spaghetti," I announced.  That night they fixed spaghetti for dinner and after one bite I declared, "this doesn't taste like my mom's spaghetti," and declined to eat anymore of the foreign noodles and sauce that had been place before me.  I was not open to a change in routine, environment and especially not my diet.  

I have since come to realize the constant prospect of change in my life.  Change comes even if I fight against it.  Rather than attempting to halt the inevitable I will instead choose how I respond to it.  I will avoid clinging so tightly to the past that I leave claw marks behind, I will instead see the possibilities that each change can bring.  Change is part of the growth and learning process and if I embrace it's possibilities each movement and shift in my life becomes not an end, but a new beginning brimming with possibilities.  One of those possibilities is the opportunity to take on new challenges and to stretch myself.  I am capable of learning and growing from the changes in my life if I see them as a necessary and natural part of the process that can help me reach my full potential.  

 All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.  ~Ellen Glasgow 

Fog lights

I gain needed perspective through consultation with those I trust

When I find myself facing problems or situations that poke at the wounded places where I still have the scars of doubt, fear and shame it makes it difficult for me to see things clearly.  In the past 24 hours I have had around 5 conversations with several people close to me where the issue of perspective has been a key problem.

Not long ago there was a stretch of unusual weather that included freezing rain (see my previous post http://canffirmations.blogspot.com/2013/01/im-no-michelle-kwan.html ) and a stretch of several days with heavy fog.  As long as the roads are dry I have been riding my motorcycle to work, it's a little cold at times but not nearly cold enough to chill my enthusiasm for riding.  One day I did not finish up until later in the evening and as I started home I ran into a heavy bank of fog.  The moisture from my breath inside the helmet and the cold damp air hitting my visor created a layer of frost on both the inside and outside of my visor.  The fog was also severely restricting my vision and I had to slow down significantly to avoid possible hazards and see where I was going.  Even though I was traveling a road I have been down before it was difficult to tell where I was or where I was going.   

When situations become foggy through stress and thick emotions it can be nearly impossible to see well enough to have a healthy perspective on circumstances.  If I keep moving to quickly through them I might make things worse or crash and burn. 

In the conversations I had today regarding some of my own problems the perspective I gained was invaluable.  Until I talked about what I was experiencing I was looking at things in a very short-sighted way.  Once I expressed myself and then listened to the responses from those I trust enough to share them with, I was able to see the big picture.  Even though I was having difficulty seeing my circumstances clearly I was able to act in the same trusted capacity for a couple of friends facing their own problems.  No unsolicited advice was given, nobody passed judgement, and through the process of consulting with others the fog was lifted for each of us to see things more clearly. 

Do who you are

I am living authentically

Being my authentic self is when I bring who I am and what I do into alignment.  The more I nourish my authentic self the more I see an increase in joy and serenity.

No reward is worth the price of selling-out my authentic self. There are many opportunities everyday to compromise myself. I think it rarely comes as a dramatic moment that forces me to choose if I will be true to who I am. I believe it most often occurs as a multitude of tiny transactions where I give up a little piece at a time.  I nickle and dime my authentic self until it feels like I am lost, and bankrupt. A tiny lie, looking the other way, giving in, making concessions, striking a deal, and pretending erodes away my authenticity a small piece at a time.  No amount of fitting in, pain avoidance, uncertainty reduction  or false acceptance is worth the cost of losing my authentic self. 

I am faithfully fighting for my true self daily. If I begin to feel I have lost myself I don't have to go searching for it, just make a choice to reclaim it.