Living and dieing today

"Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I'll ever know
Live and die on this day
Live and die on this day" 

- Joe Carnahan

 I will approach today with a spirit of renewal. The defeats of yesterday will be learned from and left behind. My victories will be celebrated without leaving me complacent or thinking the war is won. Tomorrow is beyond my control and will not steal my energy or focus with feelings of worry or fear. Today is new and it lies before me full of opportunity and challenges. I will seize it!

I live each day anew

A shovel today, or an icepick tomorrow.

I am doing what is needed today

I won't complain about the much needed snow that has been falling recently, but I can't say shoveling the driveway once or 37 times a day is my favorite thing to do.  With constant snow yesterday and lots of errands that required frequent coming and going, I shoveled the driveway multiple times.  I keep doing it because each time I have to shovel I am reminded of the consequences of putting it off. 

The first big snow storm a week or two ago happened while I was already out and about.  When I arrived home it was dark and I decided to just park the car and shovel the next day.  The wheels packed down the snow where I drove into the car port and turned to ice overnight.  I don't have salt to put down for melting it so even though it is weeks later I am still running into thick lines of ice that run the length of the driveway.  Whenever I am trying to clear off fresh snow and I run into the ice the shovel catches and I nearly fall on my face.  I try to chip away a bit of it each time I have to shovel again but it is slow and difficult to get off with a plastic snow shovel.  

How often do I mortgage tomorrow for an easier today?  If I continually put off what is needed I leave things far worse for myself further down the road.  Procrastination in any form weighs me down and if continued will eventually threaten to wash over me like an avalanche.  I always have a reason or rationale for not doing it, or refusing to make a choice about something and delaying what I need to do indefinitely.  In those situations I am avoiding reality or attempting to dodge consequences.  I do not need to do everything, but when I find myself coming up with excuses it is time for me to reflect on the reasons why.  I can face whatever fears may be hidden there and move forward on my path. 

!@*# & Ice cream

I take time for what matters

A few months ago I taught my oldest child curse words.  She just started first grade and she had several times asked about what the bad words are.  My thinking was that it would be better for her to hear them in context, understand what they mean, and some reasons for not using them rather than have them come from a classmate.  I can still recall an experience in sixth grade when I spent most of the day calling everyone a bastard because I had heard it on a movie and thought it sounded cool. 

I decided to take her out on a daddy-daughter date and get some ice cream so I could answer all of her curse word related questions.  She started by asking what the A word was.  I told her what it was, explained what it meant and why it is a swear word.  She seemed to be enjoying it and next asked what the B word was. I had to explain to her after a few letters that their isn't a curse word for every letter in the alphabet.  We went and made our own ice cream concoctions at the store and then headed home.  It probably only lasted 30 minutes but she has brought up our "ice cream trip" many times since that day and colored several pictures for me to hang in my office. 

It is nice having a little time off for the holidays.  I often catch myself looking forward to breaks and making big plans for all of the things I want to do.  In a flash the break is over and I find that I spent far too much time playing words with friends or something else that I can't remember a day later.  Taking 30 minutes to create and experience, or connect with someone you love can make a lasting and powerful memory.  It almost seems like that time is enlarged and captured permanently in my mind.  Today I will take time for what matters. 



Thanks for kicking me in the ribs sweetie.

I am living in an attitude of gratitude.

I'm not exactly sure what time my kids tried to wake me up this morning but it felt a little too early for my taste.  They were understandably excited to open presents. The youngest however was not yet awake and so I did my best to stall them and buy a few more minutes of sleep for her.  My first few attempts at distracting them fell flat and for the next few minutes it seemed to get progressively worse whatever I tried.

"How many more hours until Christmas?"
"I want to open my presents now!"
"Let me jump on your rib cage and kick you in various soft and painful areas!" They didn't exactly announce that last one.....

One of my younger sisters is due to have her baby any day now and I started to reflect on the birth of my own children.  I began telling them the stories of the day they were  born.  As I told each of them about that special day I felt a deep welling of gratitude.  It bought a few moments, but more importantly it has completely altered my day.

It is not uncommon for me to fall into the trap of focusing on what is missing or difficult in my life instead of the abundance I have been blessed with. No matter how tough things are if I take but a moment to catalog my blessings I see that I have been given many gifts. Recognizing all that I have to be grateful for then leads me to the challenge of allowing myself to feel a fullness of gratitude.

Feeling gratitude for me is an act of vulnerability.  It feels risky. Sometimes I mistakenly think that if I temper my feelings of happiness I might feel less disappointed or hurt if I lose something I love. Expecting the worst or not allowing myself to really sink into feelings of happiness, gratitude and joy is a defensive mechanism to protect me from the feelings of pain that can come from loss. I lose so much more when I fail to fully appreciate what I have. I can't control what will come or go in my life, but if I never appreciate what I have for fear of being hurt if I lose it, I cheapen the richness and depth of those blessings. It stunts my ability to express thankfulness to my Higher Power and to others.  Today I live with an attitude of gratitude that flows through me without barriers.  

**Hack, Wheeze, Cough cough** "No, I'm fine. Thanks anyway."

I am coming to my own assistance

Last month all 3 of my girls got sick.  A wide variety of maladies emerged including bouts of vomiting, diarrhea, fever, chills, sore throats and croupy coughs.  Each of them experienced something slightly different but they all required extra attention (along with plenty of disaster clean-up and laundry).

It was probably inevitable that about a week later I became ground zero for some super-sickness that emerged from the germ soup that my children had cooked up.  After a miserable week I started to feel better except for a nagging cough.  That cough has stuck with me for the last month during which time I have plowed through 2 industrial sized bags of cough drops from Costco and endured coughing fits that created migraine level headaches. I even coughed my back out of place and had to spend most of a day laying in bed.  It wasn't until this past week that I finally called a doctor and took care of it.  I'm very relieved that today I am finally noticing it subside.

When I pause to reflect I can see inconsistencies between how I care for myself in comparison to how I treat those around me. I am capable of helping others and providing assistance without hesitation, but I frequently neglect, deny, or ignore my own needs.  I have even had times when I waited for someone else to do for me what I could easily have done for myself.  I think maybe I do that in the hope that by having someone save me it will prove I'm loved.  When I need help that is beyond my ability I usually don't ask because I don't think I deserve it, I'm an inconvenience to others, or I haven't earned it.

To change this I will start recognizing my value and worthiness.  I will love myself enough to take care of my needs.  I will take time to check-in with myself and become aware of what my needs are and whenever possible I will nurture them.  When my needs require help from others I will reach out knowing I am deserving of the assistance I seek.