I give myself permission to grieve
I recently spent 8 weeks teaching a class about conflict resolution and mediation. It was without question one of the most rewarding classroom experiences I have ever had. I invested myself heavily in the class. It was the first time the course was being taught so I was fortunate to be able to create it from the ground up. It allowed me to take risks and push myself to imagine what could be possible in a classroom. I am passionate about the topic and the power it has to transform individuals and relationships. Each week I practiced the vulnerability and depth of exploration I asked of the students. I poured myself into the teaching and I watched with awe as they willingly stretched themselves. They took ownership of their own learning processes and wrestled with difficult and uncomfortable ideas. The growth I witnessed was inspiring. Some of what I challenged myself to do each week was terrifying, but it was authentic and true to who I am.
As the class drew to a close I started to notice myself feeling sullen and withdrawn. I had a difficult time evaluating their final papers. I did not seem to be able to muster the energy I needed to give them the type of engaged feedback I had committed to. I began to realize I was grieving.
Everyone experiences loss. For me those losses trigger fear. I was afraid that I would never have an opportunity to teach like that again, afraid of losing the connection we had all created, and afraid that I would not be able to maintain the changes I had personally made during that time.
It is normal to grieve, and necessary. Allowing myself to experience it allows me to continue moving forward rather than being trapped in the past. The difficulty I was having is that I do not recall a time in my life that I have allowed myself to do that. Grieving can bring feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, helplessness. In the past I have denied my grief, sheltered myself from those hard feelings and compartmentalized the seemingly overwhelming emotions that would come. Giving myself permission to grieve honors the experience and has the power to eventually bring me to a place of acceptance.
As I am practicing letting myself experience the grief process I have noticed a shift in both my perspective and emotions. I am grateful and gratified for what I was privileged to witness and experience.
What does embracing the grief process transform for you?
I didn't realize until after reading this how much the grieving process was relevant to what I experienced as I became a mother. I can see how the grief and all those feeling associated with it were present in the first months, maybe even years, after becoming a mom. I mistook the negative emotions for weakness and an inability to be a good parent and did what I could to keep it all hidden and suppressed. It seems so obvious to me now, how grief would be an acceptable emotion to losing the identity and freedoms of one’s single self overnight. Where was this post 5+ years ago!
ReplyDeleteThanks Clair for sharing this! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. It doesn't matter how or when grief presents itself. It’s nothing I should feel ashamed of. Embracing the emotions and allowing grief to surface and run its course can help me to move forward without hauling around all that extra baggage.
Thank you for sharing and being that vulnerable sis. I am afraid 5 years ago I was incapable of writing this post. Seeing grieving as normal and valuable is a new idea for me that I am only now beginning to practice. I am glad that your perspective on those years is shifting. You are a wonderful mother.
DeleteI am incredibly grateful for your support.
My wife was a former student of yours and loved your class and the concepts she learned. She always shared them with me. She somehow found your blog a while back...not really sure how, but she would read your posts and still learn and teach me. Well, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer over the summer and just recently passed away. A few days ago I was going through her phone and she still had one of the browsers open to this your blog. It was the day after you posted this. I read through what you said about grief and how it's natural and important. It was what I needed to hear. I felt weak, and in some ways I still do, admitting to friends and family how much I still am grieving my loss. I'm realizing it's ok to be feeling these emotions and I need to start letting loved ones back into my life and allowing them to know my feelings instead of putting up walls. Overall, I just wanted to say thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I think it takes tremendous courage to be vulnerable and show to other people our most painful emotions. It can hurt so deeply that the walls may seem like the only way to get through it. Thank you for sharing some of those feelings with me and to others that may also read your words and realize that they too are not alone in those painful places that grief can take us. I am grateful to be a witness to a small part of that experience and honor the journey that you are on. I truly believe it is much nicer walking together.
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