Walking with outstretched hands

I am walking my path with outstretched hands.

I have heard it suggested, "when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.”

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of spending time in and around Yellowstone National Park.  My family had a time-share that was split with my cousins.  Every summer in late July our family and theirs would descend upon a 2 bedroom condominium in Island Park.  About 12-17 of us would pack ourselves from floor to ceiling for a week of fun.  One of our favorite activities would be to go swimming at Firehole in Yellowstone.

Firehole has several natural hot springs that feed into the river that make it warm enough to swim in comfortably.  Just between 2 waterfalls a section of the river winds through some cliffs and widens out into a shallower spot that is ideal for swimming.  We would spend hours floating down from the rapids, jumping out of our favorite tree, and diving from the cliffs.

Source: http://www.donsevers.com/Yellowstone/DSC00108.JPG

To get to the spot where we would jump from the tree or into the rapids you had to first swim across a stretch of river that moved very quickly.  When I was younger it was difficult for me to make it because of the fast current and I was not a strong swimmer.  I couldn't start farther upstream because of a dangerous whirlpool (about half my family nearly drowned in it at one point or another) and if you didn't make it across, the current got stronger and would pull you further down river through a narrow gap before it slowed down and opened up into a wider and shallower spot where you could safely swim out.

The first time I decided to try and cross it took me several minutes to build up the courage to jump in.  Once in the water I paddled furiously.  I started to lose momentum and felt myself being pulled by the current.  Thoughts of making it across had faded as I was now struggling just to stay above water and breath.  I was terrified and felt panic swell inside me.  I couldn't cry out for help and I started to sink.  Suddenly there was an arm in front of me and I desperately grasped at it and felt immense relief as I was pulled across the last few feet to the other side.   

Along my life journey I have learned that I can't overcome all of my trials alone. I don't think I am meant to.  I have had others reach out to me and provide the strength and support I needed in a crucial time of need.  I have also learned that when I reach out to support others it strengthens my own resolve and affirms my personal truths.

When I have that opportunity to grasp someone's hand that is unsteady or has slipped and fallen, it requires me to set my feet firmly and use my leverage to help steady them or lift them up. By planting myself firmly in the personal truths that I have learned from my own mistakes and experiences I both help others along their path while also re-learning and affirming my own truths. I will learn to walk with my hands outstretched to others, so that whenever an opportunity arises my hands will be ready to grab hold of someone reaching out for help. We are never meant to walk alone.

The gift of today

I am fully present in the moment

I wonder sometimes how much of my day I spend living outside the reality of right now.  I am capable of filling my thoughts almost constantly with something other than what I am doing or where I am.  What would life be like if I lived each moment fully present with myself and my surroundings? 

At this time of year it is easy for me to get lost in the nostalgia of the past, or wallow in the memory of some recent mistake.  My memories of those moments seem to get distorted and less realistic as time goes by.  I not only get stuck in the past but I get caught up in the worry of tomorrow.
"What lingering items on my mental to-do list are still incomplete?"
"What if ____________ happens or _____________ doesn't work out?"
I can even disregard everything that is currently happening in my life to focus on the greener pastures of tomorrow.  It doesn't necessarily matter if my thought of yesterday and tomorrow are for good or ill, in both cases I am living outside the reality of today.

The days I spend living in the past or future seem to fade away leaving me with no memories created or lessons learned, they become wasted.  The experiences that often make the biggest difference as I walk my path are the ones I never see coming and that I can only internalize if I am present and ready to receive it.  I can not change yesterday and nothing I do can control the future and that is why it has been said: today is a gift and that is why it's called the present.

Today I will awaken my senses to experience all the beauty around me.
I will set aside the worries of yesterday and tomorrow.
I will breath deeply and ground myself in the moment.
I will receive the gift of today with gratitude and honor it in the only way possible, living it fully.  

All in...no bluffs

I love playing poker.  I hope to get worse at it.

One of the keys of being a great poker player is the ability to hide all signs of emotion.  Being capable of acting the same way whether you are going all in on a bluff, or attempting to coax a call when you have the best hand, is the difference between a great player and someone that can only play the cards they are dealt.  The more carefully I can mask or completely hide my emotions the more successful I can be at the table.  Great for playing poker, awful for life.

Emotions do not want to be suppressed, ignored, buried, hidden, numbed, denied, judged, stuffed, avoided, smoothed-over, boxed-up, or compartmentalized.  Emotions are powerful and determined.  I believe that even if we try to get rid of them they will refuse to go away.  They scream to be acknowledged, understood, felt, and expressed. The only way past an emotion is to go through it. 

I get stuck when I am critical of my emotions. If I judge anger to be a bad emotion and then attempt to bury or ignore it I find that it festers. Often it will either grow into something more powerful like resentment, bitterness, or contempt; or it will find a way to come out sideways.  Suddenly I'm finding a reason to be critical of others or feeling sorry for myself.  I can not select which emotions I feel.  They are intertwined and rely on each other to exist.  Without pain and sorrow could I experience joy and gratitude?

I get too caught up in controlling my emotions.  Emotions are at the core of my humanity.  It is what makes me human and capable of indescribable beauty but also unspeakable evil. They can be powerful teachers.  When I get wrapped up in deciding which emotions are bad or good and what I should or shouldn't feel I mistreat my emotions.  Anger for example can teach me what is important to me and how to stand up for myself and others.  It helps me capture my voice and express myself.  It's easy to see why I might not be alone in judging emotions when all around me I see anger turning to rage.  When emotions are mismanaged it can leave a wake of devastation.

I will learn to acknowledge my feelings:  What emotions am I experiencing?

I will learn to understand them: How do they express themselves within me physically?  What was the triggering event?  What experiences from my past shape the way I think about emotions?

I will learn to feel them:  How do I try to avoid what I am feeling? In what ways do I numb, hide, deny, or stuff my feelings away?  What can I do to learn how to "lean into" my feelings instead of moving away from them?

I will learn to express them:  How should I express my emotions? Should I share my feelings with others? (I usually want to say NO when the answer is often yes.)



My feelings are central to who I am and to deny them is to deny myself.

I embrace my emotions.  I will acknowledge, understand, feel and express them. 

The road more travelled...

I am blazing new pathways and consciously traveling a new road

Last week I was driving my daughter to tumbling when I got a phone call. I had only been talking for a moment when my daughter started hollering at me from the back seat.  I semi-politely told her that I was talking on the phone and that I couldn't hear.  She became more insistent and when it was clear that she was not going to let me talk I asked her less politely what she needed.

"Dad, you're going the wrong way!"

Indeed I was.  I had turned on the road that I typically use to get to the freeway and is one of the most frequent routes I drive.  I sheepishly turned the car around and started in the right direction to get her to the class.

When I am not focused on where I want to go, I end up in the place I've always been.  The pull to walk all of the old pathways in my life is strong.  Even when I'm paying attention I might find myself being pulled to engage in the same old patterns I'm used to.  I've developed patterns in the way I interact with others, how I handle stress, or deal with conflict. In all aspects of my life I've created well worn trails and without thinking I can travel them over and over again.  The pathway to healing or change is not well worn and requires daily effort. Today I will consciously travel the new road that leads me to the destination I want for myself. 

The first step towards healing

I begin the process of healing when I look internally with fearless honesty


About a month ago I joined a neighbor for what has been referred to as "old man basketball."  I love to play and was in dire need of some exercise.  I arrived early to do plenty of stretching as it had been nearly a year since I had last played and the last thing I wanted to do was pull a muscle or hurt myself unnecessarily.  I had just purchased my first motorcycle that week and being able to ride was very high on my priority list.  about 10 minutes into the game I changed directions awkwardly and rolled my ankle over..... (sigh).

I limped around painfully for a moment hoping I could just walk it off but I sensed it was bad.  Determined and dumb I kept playing and running around the court for the next 2 quarters.  Near the end of the game I took a seat and removed my shoe to see that my ankle had disappeared beneath a ball of swollen flesh.  My damaged pride and I raised a white flag and called it quits for the night.

I have twisted ankles before so I started the routine of alternating between a heating pad and an ice pack while I elevated it for the rest of the night.  The next morning my ankle had swollen to the size of a large grapefruit.  A sickly purple color was spreading across my entire foot and I could not bare any of my weight to walk.  I am very fortunate to have a relative with a medical practice and she was kind enough to find a time to see me that morning.  I was hopeful that I could maybe get some crutches, meds to manage the pain, and an atta-boy for having taken proper care of it the night before.  After she took a look at it and manipulated the ankle in a few different directions to assess the damage I was told I had received a grade three sprain, I had probably pulled or torn ligaments, heating the ankle was only agitating it, and that I would need an x-ray to find out if I had shaved any bone chips off my ankle. The last thing I wanted was an x-ray.  I knew what it would cost me for that procedure, and this wasn't at all what I was hoping for or expecting.

I resisted.

"Do I have to?"

Even as the words came out of my mouth they sounded kind of whiny.  I asked what my options were and I was told that if it wasn't broken I could wear an air-cast to stabilize the ankle and keep from damaging it further.  If it was broken I was going to need a boot for several weeks which would mean no riding my motorcycle. NOOOO!!!!! I did not want to lose the chance to ride just days after I had gotten my bike. It was clear that if I wanted to heal properly I was going to have to have it done, regardless of the cost and no matter what the outcome would reveal. 

All of my emotional wounds are internal.  Even if they show on the surface and come out side-ways through anger, fear and other behaviors they originate deeper.  If I hope to heal it will first require self-reflection through looking at myself with painful honesty.  I often resist.  I fear the emotional cost will be too great.  I fear the time and effort it may take for the healing to occur.  What will I have to do if I find out what is wrong? What if I can't fix it? I can always find a reason or justification not to look, but healing happens only after I take that step.  Today I will not be afraid to look inside.  I will look below the obvious pain on the outside to those wounded places that need healing.  I will be willing to look beyond the surface behaviors to the deeper trauma from which they originate.  I will be willing to start the journey of healing.  As I do look inside I will see that by walking (or limping) along the path of healing is the only way for me to find wholeness.  Healing begins after looking into the broken places inside.

Today I look internally with fearless honesty.

(No broken bones! I'm still in an air-cast but I rode the bike today.  36 degrees is a balmy December day and perfect for a ride.)

Comments and discussion are always welcomed!