Doh!

I am accountable and promptly admit my mistakes

My daughters have been super excited about Valentine's Day this year.  For the last week they have asked every day if it is February yet.  The past few days they have been leaving me little messages and cards each day leading up to Valentines. 

They also worked hard with their mom to decorate small buckets filled with treats.  The plan was to leave the buckets with a couple of neighbors with the encouragement to then pass along the "love bucket" to someone else.  As soon as February 1st arrived they couldn't wait to deliver them.

My wife works graveyard shifts and before she left I got directions on which houses to deliver to and instructions on which bucket to leave, and not to forget to include the cinnamon rolls that were still in the refrigerator. She went over this several times and I was feeling a little annoyed that she kept reminding me.  I was sure I could handle this small task.  This morning when she arrived home from work I woke up as she came in the room.

"You forgot the cinnamon rolls."

My mind exploded with a few colorful words and a wave of shame spread through me.  How could I have forgotten that? My mind conjured multiple excuses.  Next I let myself feel anger and resentment.  Why did she have to point that out to me before even saying hello?  I pushed the responsibility away and wallowed in negative thoughts and feelings. For five minutes I sat in bitter silence over cinnamon rolls.  I finally got around to apologizing, but it felt like bile coming out of my mouth. 

I am human and as such I make mistakes... a lot of them. Unfortunately some of those mistakes hurt others and might at times be more serious than just forgetting cinnamon rolls. Those closest to me and who have trusted me to share in their journey are the ones I can wound most deeply. The knife that injures also cuts both ways. It is painful to watch someone I love suffer by my own hand.

My reaction to this is sometimes to hide from what I've done, try to smooth it over or deflect the blame. Part of me is afraid that by taking accountability I will lose them. How could anyone remain committed to me if they see my dark side and I own it? Only through accountability and amends can I show that I am truly committed and willing to be completely vulnerable with another person. It affirms my best intentions and desires for the relationship and surrenders the need to control or focus on only myself.  When I do this I can have authentic connection and stay true to myself. 

Affirming

 I can, will, and do affirm my best self

When I affirm myself I am taking a desire or claim that I know in my mind to be true and by speaking it aloud I bridge the gap between my head and my heart. From that act of intention I attach an emotion that will power my desire into reality.

What needs affirming in your life today?

Narrate me down from here

In times of difficulty I receive guidance and support

When I was five our yard had 2 giant pine-trees.  I suppose everything looks giant at five but as I recall they were at least as tall as the roof of our 2 story house.  They had thick low hanging branches and I loved to climb them. One day I decided to see if I could reach the top.  I climbed with confidence and when I had nearly reached the top I began to notice the branches getting much smaller.  I was balancing precariously on a thin branch when I looked down and panicked.  As Tigger can attest. it is much more difficult to climb down a tree than to climb up it.

Paralyzed with fear I was unable to see how I could possibly get back down. I was stuck and alone. I called out for help. My brother heard my calls and was able to help me safely down.  He called out and guided me to each branch telling me where to safely put my feet and encouraging me along the way.

Sometimes I climb myself into situations that seem much more difficult to get out of than it was to get into.  When I feel alone and stuck that is when I may need to call out for help.  If I look to my Higher Power and those around me they can help guide me safely back to solid ground. 

We are all connected in our journeys and nobody makes it alone. Today I honor those who have answered the call for help.  I will also commit to listen carefully for ways to help others who may be in need of assistance. I am never alone in my struggles.

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Every morning a sunrise

I am shining light into the dark places 

  Image source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/pictures/30000/nahled/desert-sunrise-602.jpg

Even the promise of the rising sun drives away the darkness of night. When I look internally and see shadowy corners where doubt, fear, and shame hide I will illuminate them with the light of hope, love, and acceptance.

Practicing authenticity removes the dark masks of pretending, compassion overrules the judging of others, forgiveness drives away anger, and connection tears down the walls of isolation.  Darkness is merely the void left behind where I have let light fade.  I will allow the darkness to serve as a reminder to rise up and shine brightly.  

Thanks Chris

I see how my struggles can benefit others

Today I had the privilege to listen to Chris Herren as a guest speaker at Weber State University.  I had read a little about his story from an ESPN article not long ago and thought it would be a great opportunity for my speech class to listen to him.  It was even better than I had hoped for and I have been thinking about it all day. 

Chemical addiction robbed Chris of his professional basketball career and nearly cost him his family and his life.  You can hear more about his story through several articles written about him, his book Basketball Junkie: A Memoir, or the ESPN Emmy nominated film Unguarded.

After detailing the fourteen year nightmare of his addiction I was struck by some of Chris's statements regarding his recovery and why he now speaks so openly about those difficult experiences. He told a story about one of his first speaking engagements, which was in front of a crowded gymnasium of High School students.  He was incredibly nervous but prayed that he could have an impact and make a difference for just one person.  At the end of his speech he opened it up for questions and there was one girl sitting at the top of the bleachers all alone who had raised her hand.  She was quickly hushed by the crowd and she told Chris she no longer had a question.  Sometime later he received a message from that girl.  Every day she was ridiculed and bullied at school.  She had difficulties at home as well and each night she would shut herself in her room, pull out a razor blade and cut on her arms.  They were so scarred that she now had to resort to cutting on her legs instead.  She thanked him and said that because of his willingness and courage to tell his story she had gained the courage to tell hers.  She explained to him that after hearing his story she had walked into the cafeteria at lunch time and sat next to some of the other girls that teased her. When they asked her what she was doing she responded by lifting up her sleeves and showing them the scars on her arms.  She told them she cuts because of the cruel things they do to her everyday and that from that day on the teasing stopped.  She thanked him and told him it had been several months since she had last self mutilated.  He remembers that one girl every time he speaks.  

What is moving about the way he speaks is not just the stories, but how candid he is about those experiences. By being real and open his story validates struggle.  I struggle.  I think we all struggle.  I am not sure of anyone that is immune from struggle. Why is it that it seems so few of us are willing to talk about them?  I know for me some of those reasons are fearing that others will judge me, misunderstand me, or that they will reject me and pull away.  That fear and shame keeps me guarded and hidden.  But if I am not real about my weaknesses and struggles how can I possibly expect to have an impact on others?  How can I expect the kind of connection that comes from people who are willing to be fully transparent with each other? 

I am not inspired and moved by stories of ease and privilege.  It is the authentically courageous stories of struggle, pain, and doubt that draw me in.  Those stories give me hope, they validate my own experiences and encourage me to continue on the difficult path of trying to reach my full potential. 

Thank you Chris, and to each of you that are brave enough to be vulnerable, real, and open with me and others about your weaknesses and challenges.  I take hope and courage from your examples.  The courage to be who I am, and that through being open I can connect with and help others.
    

Mr. Olympia

I am expanding myself

When I was about 15 years old I hit a growth spurt and shot up 4 inches.  I had always loved playing basketball and at 6'3" I was suddenly taller than most of my classmates.  I got the opportunity to play for the High School team and although I had a great time playing I did not enjoy the mandatory weight room sessions.  

Growing up I had experience helping my dad haul wood every summer as well as working for a local farmer moving sprinkler pipes and bucking hay.  Those activities gave me what I like to describe as a "wiry" toughness but with long arms and a thin frame I was behind the curve when it came to bench pressing or the other types of weight lifting exercises we had to routinely do before practice.  I usually did my best to conserve my energy and just do what I had to in order to get by without being noticed.  I was afraid to try and get better because it was something I was not very good at.

One week my coach decided to hold a weight lifting contest.  I did not fair very well on most of the upper body contests but when it was time to do the squat I decided to push myself.  The contest went back and forth between me and another player and even though each lift felt like it was all I would be capable of  I just kept adding more weight.  I benched nearly 80lbs more than my previous best.  

 

Until I am tested I never know how strong I can be. Sometimes the tests come from external challenges but I must also be willing to stretch myself when I have become complacent or comfortable.  I often hold back for fear of failure but regret does not come from doing my best and coming up short, it is a result of having never pushed myself to see what I am capable of. Each time I feel I have hit my limit I will persevere and expand myself.  I will not see my limits as failures or fixed borders but as opportunities to grow and work towards reaching my full potential.     

"If we wait till we're ready, we'll never get started."  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

An attitude of graititude

I live in gratitude

I have been pondering this affirmation all day and I feel ill-equipped to adequately express my thoughts and feelings.  I looked for just the right experience to illustrate it but there where too many to count.  I continue to struggle on how to put it all together so instead of pretending to have any answers I am just going to share.  I do it with the hope that I can keep learning and figuring it out as I go.

Cultivating gratitude is central to my ability to develop resilience and reach my full potential.  My misunderstanding of this concept has frequently been a stumbling block in the progress towards my goals.  I have sometimes misunderstood being grateful as the happiness that comes from external circumstances.  When something extraordinarily good happens I can often feel grateful for that blessing.  If I am struggling through something difficult I might feel gratitude if some form of help comes.  My gratitude was temporary and based on an unexpected windfall or relief from pain.  This is not the gratitude that I want to have.

True gratitude is the result of proper perspective.  This shift in perspective no longer takes anything for granted or bases being grateful on whether circumstances have climbed above an unconscious baseline of expectation.  It flows from within and sees purpose, beauty, and opportunity in all things.  When gratitude shifts from being an emotion derived externally to an attitude cultivated internally it can transform pain into wisdom, lack to sufficiency, coincidence to purpose, and the darkness of despair to the light of hope.   

This attitude of gratitude allows me to see how each struggle teaches me and that nothing is wasted.  I turn from self-seeking to walking with hands outstretched to others.  I embrace my experiences and let the desire to control slip away.  It is an attitude I need if I am to become what I was meant to be. 



"To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven"   T.S. Monson