Windy Night

I am gaining strength by reaching out to others in times of need

Image Source: https://poietes.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/wild-and-windy-night.jpg

I live near the mouth of a canyon and it is not uncommon to have nights where the wind will blow hard for hours. Tonight is one of those nights and it has led to a couple of extra small bodies in my bed. My two youngest daughters woke up from the noise the wind caused outside and one by one they both ended up climbing in bed beside me to fall back to sleep. It is typically tough to get a good nights rest when they are crowding me off the bed but I do love that they still look to me for comfort when they need it. 

When did I stop doing that? One of my early childhood memories is a night when I woke up from a terrifyingly vivid dream fit for a horror movie. It involved our house being suspended on beams somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I was swimming with my cousin off a small dock that was connected to the side door entrance when I turned and saw that he was no longer there. I spun around in the water and saw the open jaws of a shark swimming straight towards me. I attempted to pull myself onto the dock to escape, but it was if I was moving in slow motion and I fell back into the water again and again. I woke up in a panic and went straight to the door of my parents' room in tears. 

Somewhere along the way I stopped reaching out to others when I was afraid or needed help. I became much more comfortable withdrawing and trying to deal with things on my own. Earlier this evening I ran into a parenting moment that left me feeling inept and angry at myself for making what seems like a frequently repetitive mistake. My first response was not to reach outward but to try and figure it out on my own. I can see that it is my own feelings of shame or pride that get in my way of looking for help outside myself. I don't have to figure it all out on my own and if I get stuck, sometimes the only way out is to ask for help.

This is my attempt tonight to step out of isolation and recognize the need to reach out for strength beyond my own. What are the things that block you from reaching out? Where could you most use a helping hand? 

Shine on

I am turning to face the light in times of darkness

I woke up this morning at 4:11a.m. and it was not intentional. Pain was radiating from the center of my back up and down my spine. Pressure along the nerves in my spine created an intense pain that made it difficult for me to stand up, move, lay flat, stretch, no position alleviated the pain. I suffered in darkness until the pain medication I took kicked in and I could fall back to sleep. Fortunately I woke up with some residual soreness but minus the pain that had jolted me from my sleep.  

Pain and darkness is a place I have visited inside myself many times. It is a lonely place where the only company I have is fear, doubt, shame, worry, hopelessness, and despair. Sometimes I choose to visit, and at other times I am uncertain how I arrived. I think everyone experiences times of darkness and pain but choosing how to respond to those moments is critical. 

I have noticed that I have three common responses to finding myself in a dark place that can keep me stuck there:

1. Isolation- When I feel alone in the darkness I falsely believe that nobody can understand what I am going through. I might want to hide to keep other people from seeing me struggle. I fear that I will be perceived as weak or incapable. I feel like I might burden them with my problems so I keep them to myself.

2. Shoulding- When I focus on the shoulds and shouldn'ts of my situation instead of what I am actually experiencing I deny my emotions and shame myself. Those unfair judgements keep me stuck in the darkness because they tell me that I deserve to be there. 

3. Pitching a tent- When I experience pain and darkness it eventually becomes a choice whether or not I want to stay there. Sometimes I let anger, self-pity, or the need to control others feelings take over. I become a martyr to circumstance and set-up a permanent residence in the dark. I think that by pitching a fit and being miserable I will get what I want from others. It is a bit like holding my breathe to get what I want. If I stay too long I in the darkness I run the risk of forgetting what it is like to live in the light. I may become accustomed to the darkness and stop looking for a way out.

As painful and dark as those places may be I believe there is always a choice that brings hope, I can choose to turn away from the darkness towards the light. Darkness is only defined by the absence of light and there is no hole too deep or dark for light to penetrate it. Looking behind me I see my shadow, but it vanishes as soon as I turn towards the source of light. 

Light can come in the form of a hand reaching out in the darkness, compassion, tears of understanding, a Higher Power, truth, love. I believe that goodness and light exists in abundance all around us and within each of us. Today I choose to turn to the light when I find myself stuck in the darkness.

What keeps you stuck in dark places and how do you find your way back to the light?

Alone in a Crowd

I am willing to reach out and be open when I need connection with others

Yesterday I had dinner with several of my siblings to indirectly celebrate one of my sister's birthday. She is not a big fan of making a big deal out of it so when one of the servers asked what occasion brought us all together (I have a lot of siblings, nieces, nephews...) he looked a bit surprised and confused when we said it was to celebrate tax day. 

I was surrounded by people I know love me for who I am, and yet I felt disconnected and alone. The isolation was not because I was sitting at the end of the table, or because I am unable to be authentic around them, but it was because I was withdrawn and unwilling to reach out. I had ample opportunity to take advantage of support and understanding but there are times when I need to take the first step in being real and asking for what I need. Being connected is not about being around people, but rather the process of willingly showing up and letting myself be seen. 

Looking back at some of my previous posts and reflecting on my journey has highlighted for me some of the key lessons I have to learn. I can see that I often have themes that continue to pop up that I need to address. I frequently have to learn the same lesson several times before it begins to sink in. I can see that recognizing my needs and being courageous enough to reach out for help when I need it is an important lesson and that I must continue to make that a part of my daily practice. Yesterday I kept to myself and lost that important opportunity to truly connect. Today I will take advantage of those opportunities and reach out for the connection I need. 

What do you need today in order to feel connected?

Sandy Shoes (Guest Post - Eric)

 I am excited to introduce today's guest post by Eric - my older brother, exemplar, supporter, and friend. 

When I was as a young Boy Scout, one of my favorite places to camp was at the Little Sahara Sand Dunes.  I remember playing touch football for hours at night, running barefoot in the cooling sand with only the moon for light.   When I got home I poured buckets of sand out of my shoes, but I didn’t care, I had so much fun.

This month my sons’ Boy Scout troop went camping at some sand dunes near the Little Sahara.  I got off work early on Friday to meet them there. They didn’t go to the regular campgrounds that I remember, but to one further away, one without all of the ATVs zooming around.

The one downside to their out-of-the-way campsite was the quarter mile dirt road that I had to take to get there.  At first the gravel road was decent, but soon the dips got bigger and bigger.  I was doing well, taking it easy until I turned a corner and came upon deep, loose sand.  Before I knew it I was stuck.  I got out, dismayed to see the front tires deep in sand.  I wanted to push it or dig it out myself, but it was soon obvious that I couldn’t do it alone.  I swallowed my pride and trekked the rest of the way to the camp to ask for help.  The scouts came over but were unsuccessfully in digging or pushing me out.  Luckily one of the scout leaders had a big truck, so he hooked up a strap and pulled me out.

I had a great time at the camp.  I enjoyed the sunny spring weather in the desert and the natural beauty there.  In the morning we broke camp and got ready to leave.  I was a little nervous about driving out, but this time knew what to do.  After starting the car, I sped up, got some good momentum and just kept driving.  I could see where I got stuck before and I drove around it.  It was a bumpy ride, but I made it to the paved road without incident. 

This experience gave me a lot to think about and things that I can affirm for myself:

1.       Spinning my wheels in the proverbial sand gets me nowhere.

2.       Some problems I can’t get out of by myself.

3.       People will help when I’m humble enough to ask for it. 

4.       I can learn from previous pitfalls and know how to avoid them. 

5.       I don’t get stuck when I maintain momentum. 

6.       Sometimes I just need to get sand in my shoes and have fun.

Fearless 6yr old

I can face my fears

I have had several experiences today that have kept me thinking about the many areas I need growth and improvement in.  I lost patience more than once today, wrestled with some anger and resentment, recognized my need for better boundaries, plenty of areas I could find ways to work on affirming the changes I want to make.  I started writing when my oldest daughter came down stairs.  We had just finished a rather dramatic bedtime again and even though we figured things out eventually it was one of the moments today where I lost my patience.  

She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was about to write my affirmation for today.  Instead of writing what I had originally planned I would instead like to share with you our conversation and let it stand as is for today's affirmation.  I believe this came as a result of what happened last week and affirms the power of  showing up .

 

"What are you going to write about?"

"I think I'm going to write about boundaries."

"You could write about facing your fears."

"Yeah, that's a good idea.  What kind of fears are you facing right now?"

"Like facing your fears when you don't know something and you find out about it."

"So facing your fears by finding out stuff about things you don't know about?"

"Yeah."

"What do you do to face your fears when you don't know something."
 

"Asking somebody for help."

"So you can face your fears by asking for help from others when you don't know what to do?"

"Yeah."

Narrate me down from here

In times of difficulty I receive guidance and support

When I was five our yard had 2 giant pine-trees.  I suppose everything looks giant at five but as I recall they were at least as tall as the roof of our 2 story house.  They had thick low hanging branches and I loved to climb them. One day I decided to see if I could reach the top.  I climbed with confidence and when I had nearly reached the top I began to notice the branches getting much smaller.  I was balancing precariously on a thin branch when I looked down and panicked.  As Tigger can attest. it is much more difficult to climb down a tree than to climb up it.

Paralyzed with fear I was unable to see how I could possibly get back down. I was stuck and alone. I called out for help. My brother heard my calls and was able to help me safely down.  He called out and guided me to each branch telling me where to safely put my feet and encouraging me along the way.

Sometimes I climb myself into situations that seem much more difficult to get out of than it was to get into.  When I feel alone and stuck that is when I may need to call out for help.  If I look to my Higher Power and those around me they can help guide me safely back to solid ground. 

We are all connected in our journeys and nobody makes it alone. Today I honor those who have answered the call for help.  I will also commit to listen carefully for ways to help others who may be in need of assistance. I am never alone in my struggles.

image source:  http://www.comedysite.net/plugins/p17_image_gallery/images/843.jpg

Better together

I am strengthened by my bonds with others

I have not been able to ride my motorcycle for 2 weeks.  Not because I think it's too cold but I seem to have an electrical problem and I am having trouble getting it started.  Beyond knowing it's probably electrical I do not have the first idea what is wrong or how to go about fixing it. 

I have often tried to go it alone in life.  Somewhere along my path I think I picked up the idea that I'm supposed to be able to figure things out and do it all on my own.  When I run into something that I am unable to do it frustrates me.  The last thing I want is to ask someone for help.  Even when help is offered I often turn it down. 

It feels deeply satisfying to help others and to share my gifts with them or assist others along their path.  Why do I deny that opportunity to others by refusing to ask for help when I need it?

I am learning that my greatest strength comes from the threads that tie me together with others. The things I value most in this life have not been accomplished on my own working in solitude or relying upon my own strength. When I recognize the need to work with others toward a common goal I see the foolishness of believing that I have to rely only on myself or that it is weakness to ask for help. A single thread is easily broken but when woven together with others grows in strength exponentially becoming powerful and unbreakable. 

I am very excited that help has been offered to fix my bike and I am gratefully accepting it knowing that it strengthens us both.  I'm grateful for everyone I know that is willing to reach out to assist me along my path.  It is so much nicer walking together!