Stand tall

I rise to the occasion and the full stature of who I am becoming

I am 37 years old, 6'3" and weigh in around 220 pounds. There are times when I feel more like I am 10 years old or 6 inches tall than what I see reflected in the mirror. When I am in certain situations or with particular people I shrink, I revert back to places I left long ago but that return instantly. A place where I felt frightened, alone, incapable, abandoned and small. I feel like a child and I am likely to act like one as well. I feel myself shrinking into defensiveness, losing my voice and confidence, reliving old wounds and taking on roles and behaviors that I thought I had grown out of.  

I no longer fit in those places. As I continue on my path I recognize that even when I travel a road that may seem familiar to experiences from the past, I am no longer who I was then. I have grown emotionally, spiritually, and mentally just as I have physically. When confronted with those old familiar places I will not shrink but rise to the measure and stature I have earned through the hard work of lessons learned well. 

Fairytale falsehoods

I am fully committed

 

 

 I have often fancied myself a bit of a romantic.  On more than one occasion I have organized mega dates that were planned out to the finest detail.  I could imagine everything unfolding perfectly in my mind.  My idealism was fueled by movies, music, and stories that portrayed the quintessential love story of happily ever after.... lies, lies, lies.

M. Scott Peck noted that mental health increases as we pursue reality at all costs.  Romanticism is the idealism of life and relationships, by definition it's antonym is realism.  I understand the appeal of feeling like once love is found the struggle ends and everything else is easy. All you need is love, right?  After experiencing 16 years beyond were a typical movie would run the end credits, I can conclude that those idealistic views of relationships are unrealistic.  Nobody rides off into the sunset on a white horse with their prince or princess.  The truth is not always very popular and does not sell out box offices, but the reality is relationships are hard work.  To realize the ultimate potential of what a relationship can promise requires more than expressing love, it requires vulnerability and the willingness to fully commit.   

Fully committing to another person means that I am willing to witness their journey, their joy and pain, successes and failures, to see their humanness and let them see mine.  It is a commitment that must be made again and again and especially when things are difficult.  This is the type of commitment to vulnerability that creates true connection.   I have yet to find any romantic ideal in music, literature, or film that can match it.  The transcendent beauty of knowing, and being known authentically in all its' imperfection and messiness is unparalleled.  Today and everyday I am committed to relationships based on finding true connection, not a fairytale ending. 

The currency of change

I am willing

In the process of making change willingness is the only currency that matters. If I do not have willingness no amount of consequences, knowledge, opportunities, switch in circumstances, skill, resources, or help that I have will bring about change. 

My willingness to change is motivated only by affliction or beauty.  Experiencing the debilitating pain, sorrow, and fear of affliction helps me to come to the reality of how bad things have gotten.  Sometimes it is referred to as hitting rock bottom.  When you realize that you have fallen as far as you can take, and to go any further ultimately lead to destruction of life or whatever else you value can be a sobering experience.  I suppose everyone has their own idea of what that is, and that some never find it before their time is gone.  In that place it can be so unbearably painful that no other option remains.

The more graceful motivator for change comes from recognizing the exquisite beauty that life has to offer.  I see that beauty in the everyday courage of others, inspirational works of literature, movies, music, art, the vulnerability of someone sharing their own story of struggle, looking into the eyes of my daughters, and the feeling that comes in the moments where I am at my best and doing the thing I was meant to do. Beauty can set the wheels of change in motion fueled by the willingness it creates.

Once willingness is obtained I can make the type of firm commitment to change necessary to have resilience through the challenges that will inevitably come.  Today I will let the beautiful possibilities of what can be, and the pain of what has been, overflow the coffers of willingness within me. 

Envisioning a masterpiece

I have a clear vision of my future

If you visit frequently (thank you!) then you may have noticed my posts have been sparse this week.  I have had a few computer issues, but the reason has been more about getting caught up in the day to day crises of living.  I think everyone experiences things that can potentially derail them.  The question is whether I allow it to become a cycle of living one crisis to the next, or if it is just an inevitable, but temporary bump in the road that can teach me.  

While in New York a few years ago I spent the better part of a day at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  The sheer volume of history and artwork within those walls is overwhelming.  I was particularly impressed by the sculptures.  How does someone take a massive piece of stone and carve it with such exquisite detail?  What is most incredible to me is the vision that is necessary to see with  complete clarity exactly what the artist wants to create, three dimensionally, and then to remove only what is in the way of that vision.  

I believe that if I want to remain on the path of reaching my full potential I can not approach it haphazardly or uncertain of what I am working towards.  I need to imagine exactly what I hope for.  Envisioning my best self and what it looks like to live an authentic and wholehearted life each day, gives me the proper perspective for dealing with whatever I may encounter. Creating that vision makes it possible to see beyond the crisis of the moment and place what is happening in the bigger picture.  A clear vision also allows me to see what is in the way of reaching my full potential, and what I need to work on in order to realize it.  Today, with a clear vision I can carefully chip away at what stands in the way of the masterpiece within.