Own Your Awesomeness!

Yesterday I got an email from a good friend offering support and encouragement when she saw that I was writing again. She also said that she hoped that during the time off I had taken she hoped I had spent some time focusing on things that I do well.... I do not always like when it happens, but I always know when something occurs that I am going to need to write about it. If I try and ignore those moments they dog me until I follow though. I have thought about it most of the day and even though it has made me horribly uncomfortable I am going to do my best to meet the challenge. 

As I have been considering the idea of writing about and affirming my strengths it is somewhat distressing to me that it was at least as difficult, if not more so, than in being transparent about the areas where I struggle. It makes sense that if I am trying to write regular affirmations for my growth process that I would take time to also affirm my strengths, but I think several things make me resistant to the idea. 

The first wall that I encountered was the feeling that talking about my strengths would come across as boastful or bragging. Although I have no trouble pointing out to other people their strengths, if I acknowledge my talents it makes me think that I might be judged by others as prideful or arrogant. The gremlins whisper, "who do you think you are?" Perhaps the key for me to counter this particular impediment is to remember that when I identify my strengths I do not do it to compare myself to others, but rather I am making a fair assessment of what talents I have to manage the circumstances and challenges I will encounter along my path. I believe that being aware of both my strengths and weaknesses makes me better prepared to deal with whatever I may face. 

My second obstacle was identifying what my strengths actually are. I realized that I place far more emphasis and thought on my areas of weakness. It is easy for me to point out my flaws and shortcomings, but I could only come up with a couple of things that I could identify as talents. I recognize that I am not living in balance and judging myself fairly if I can quickly write volumes about what my faults are, but it takes me most of the day to come up with a few strengths. It felt embarrassing when I had to ask a few of my siblings to help me identify what they are. 

Looking at why this proved to be a struggle for me has highlighted the importance of pushing through and doing this anyway. If I want to make positive growth and changes that will help me reach my full potential, it necessitates my ability to recognize and use what talents I have to help me towards that goal. I think that it also allows me to see how I can be of service to others. I have benefited and relied upon the strengths of others in times of need and if I am clear about what my strengths are I can likewise reach out and be there for those in need of what I can offer. The following affirmations are my attempt to practice this. I would encourage you to consider your own talents. What are your personal strengths and talents? How might you affirm them and then make use of them for the benefit of yourself and others?

My teaching process provides safety for others to learn and instills confidence in their ability to succeed

I love to teach! Whether it is in the classroom, on a rock face, ski hill, or having a conversation with my girls I love the teaching and learning process. My sister pointed out that what she appreciates most from me is that she always feels more confident and capable of succeeding. That confidence helps her feel safe enough to make mistakes and try things that make her uncomfortable. This affirmation reminds me of the passion and love I have for what I do, and shows me how I can also use that to make improvements in the way I teach. 

I listen with empathy and seek to understand others

Although interacting with others sometimes brings me anxiety it seems that it is fairly comfortable for others to connect with me. I think that my greatest strength as a friend is that I am willing to listen and that my intentions are to understand and support them in whatever they are experiencing. This affirmation reminds me of several areas where I can improve, but that my willingness to listen has been  vital for me in building and maintaining the important relationships in my life. 

I am a loving father

Although I know I frequently fall short in this area I can also affirm that I continue to show up as a father. I love my girls and I believe they can feel that from me everyday. I want to be better, but I know that what I am giving is also enough. I will never give up trying to love and teach them as best I can, even when my impatience, mishandled emotions, lack of sensitivity, or selfishness frequently tries to get in the way. 

I have been able to identify a few other strengths but I think for the purposes of this post, and the increasing level of my discomfort this should suffice! Own your awesomeness!

Burning Phoenix

Hi, after nearly a month of silence from me a greeting seems in order. Fortunately the silence has not extended both directions and I have had several friends and family members recognize my absence and reach out. A few days ago I had a former student approach me who had noticed there had been a significant draught since my last post and he wondered how I was doing. Initially I was embarrassed to have him ask me that question at all. Although I recognize in theory that everyone struggles, it can be tough to have my difficulties reflected back to me even through the concern of others.

My tendency in times of struggle is to isolate until I get things figured out. Even as we talked I felt the urge to hide behind "everything is fine." I think he could see beyond that facade and I am grateful that he did not let me off the hook so easily. As our conversation continued several things he said resonated with me and gave me pause. In particular I have been thinking a lot about the mythical story of the phoenix. 

In Greek Mythology the Phoenix was a magnificent bird that lived for hundreds of years. At the end of it's long life cycle it would build a nest of twigs which would ignite and consume both the nest and bird in flames. From the ashes left behind a new phoenix would arise and begin the cycle anew. 

The process of growth and change is a difficult and often painful one. Although it may not always happen at the speed of a blazing fire, I think it does require a type of death to the old self in order to change and begin anew. Although I certainly do not have this process figured out, I think that permanent change requires more than shuffling the deck and trying to modify a few behaviors. It requires wholesale changes that fundamentally alters me in a way that is akin to dieing and rising again from the ashes. Since that conversation I have identified a few things that I would like to set fire to in order to begin a new phase in my journeys. 

The first twig I am placing on the funeral pier is the illusion of needing to be perfect. Irrational ideals of how I want my relationships to be like, what kind of writing I do here, or the type of father I should be are just a few examples of the way I am constantly creating unrealistic expectations for myself. They leave me feeling like what I do is never enough. Perfectionism does not motivate me to be my best, instead it usually paralyzes me with such doubt and shame that I would rather not try at all rather than fail to reach those lofty ideals. As I set that part of me ablaze, what I want to rise from the ashes is the affirmation that I am enough.

The next twig that needs to be added is a tendency to believe that if I break something it can't be fixed. I spent much of my life avoiding even the appearance of conflict in my relationships because I believed that once I made a mistake, or they saw me for what I really am, nothing could ever be the same. Conflict always seemed like that beginning of the end so I thought if I could avoid it and pretend it wasn't there things might be okay. I am beginning to accept that everything and everyone breaks at some point. What those broken places look like and how we respond is different, but if I try to avoid the inevitable when the day comes to face the brokenness I will be unprepared to change. As I leave that old belief behind I can affirm that from the broken places I can grow strong.

There are several other things I want to torch and leave behind me but the last thing I want to write about today is the idea that my past actions determine who I am. One of the least effective things I can do when I am trying to make changes is to live in the past. As I have been walking this path of growth and change a common thing that has gotten me stuck is to spend my energy living in the past or obsessing over the future. Typically when I look back it is not as a healthy moment of reflection to gain perspective and focus, usually I look back and relive it. I bring back the pain, the negative emotions, the disappointment. I think about what might have been different if only I had... I start to go beyond thinking that my past impacts the present, but I stretch it into a fear that it also determines my future. This leaves me in a pendulum of emotion swinging between depression over the past and anxiety about the future. I am beginning to recognize how living anywhere but in the present moment is futile. The only place I can find myself is right now. I have no control over anything other than this very moment. I will live authentically through being fully present in the moment. 

I am hopeful that I can approach my life as something that is full of opportunities for change. I believe it is possible to begin anew if I am willing to set fire to old ways of thinking and being. It is a cycle of death and rebirth that I hope I can experience multiple times on my journey.