I can express my experiences and share my gifts with others
This morning I am acutely aware of how inadequate I feel. I had an experience a few days ago with my oldest daughter that I knew immediately I wanted to write an affirmation about. For 3 days I have avoided it. A few times I have gone as far as opening up a new post and starting to write, but I deleted each of them before getting beyond a sentence or two. I have thought about the experience every day. Instead of that reflection and thought helping me to feel more clear and concrete about what I wanted to say, it encased me in stone.
Today as I was meditating and trying to figure out what was keeping me stuck I can see other places where this theme has played out in my life. What keeps me frozen are feelings of fear, doubt and inadequacy. They cause me to isolate and avoid taking action.
Some of the fear is around how others will respond. What will they think? Will they laugh at me? What if they just think I'm stupid or silly? That type of fear causes me to withdraw and avoid vulnerability. If I can not be seen I can not be hurt. Whatever I have to express gets buried in the cave with me.
If I work past that fear I am often met with doubt. The internal critic reminds me that I am terrible at expressing things. You can't write. You don't know what you are talking about. Look at you hiding in the cave, do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? When that doubting critical voice comes from inside me no amount of positive reinforcement or compliments from the outside make a difference. If I choose to believe the voices it shrouds my thoughts in doubt and leads me back to fear.
If I battle beyond fear and doubt I still have to deal with inadequacy. It comes when I believe that I am incapable of expressing what I think and feel. Words are often not enough. When I am gifted an experience that is so exquisite and meaningful that it resonates to the very core of my being, how can I possibly think I have the capacity to express it? Instead of trying I take the gift and bury it in the ground where I may eventually forget where it is. Lights placed on a hill shine out as a beacon to others, but put under a bushel they remain hidden and eventually suffocate and burn out.
I can see that the past few days, and at many other moments of my life, I have remained stuck and hidden behind fear, doubt, and inadequacy. Today I will express myself. My story matters and sharing it with others allows them to witness my journey and find light to walk their own path.
