Don't stop the journey

I will keep moving forward

It can be hard to restart. I let some things build up that left me feeling stuck and stalled out this past week. Once I skipped a day of doing my affirmations it was easy to skip it again. Here I am 4 days later and it can be hard to get started again. 

Wednesday I rode my motorcycle to Salt Lake to have lunch with my oldest friend at one of our favorite Thai restaurants for my birthday. After lunch I was at a stop light and I noticed the bike was idling really low. I was afraid it would stall out so I pulled into a parking lot and my clutch cable popped.... again. I was not excited about the idea of being stuck in SLC for my birthday so I decided to try and get the bike to my brother's house and find a place to fix the cable. 

I tried manually engaging the clutch but I was not able to provide enough tension or the correct angle for it to shift so every time I tried to start it and then shift into first the bike would stall out. I was eventually able to get it moving by rolling the bike forward in neutral, and then quickly popping it into first gear and giving it enough gas to not stall. The bike would jerk violently as I shifted it into first but if I kept the throttle constant I could keep it going. However, once I got moving I if I dropped below a certain speed the bike would stall out again. 

Without the clutch I had no way of shifting back down into neutral or taking it out of gear to idle the engine. I was forced to drive all the way in first gear while timing each intersection to make it through without having to slow down below about 5mph. Sometimes this meant I needed to slow down and go just fast enough not to stall so that the light had time to change. Several times I arrived too quickly so I had to make a right hand turn so I could keep moving. I stalled out once at an intersection with a bus right behind me, but eventually I made it to my brother's house. I was able to borrow a car and get my cable fixed with a thicker gauged wire and reattach it before the end of the day.

It is nice being able to start and stop things at will. Unfortunately I have places in my life where that is not always an option. When I am actively engaged in the change process to address beliefs or behaviors that have grown from my broken places I do not have the option to start and stop whenever it is convenient for me. Once I stop, it can be tough to get going again. Maintaining momentum and movement in the direction I want to go is crucial if I want to avoid getting stuck or stalling out.  Sometimes that means I may need to slow down and keep it in first gear so that I am not moving too quickly and forcing a situation that requires me to put on the brakes. It might mean that I will have to take a few unexpected turns instead of going the way I think is shortest. It will sometimes mean I will need to ask for help along the way. The key for me is to stay moving and working towards the changes I want. Once that momentum is lost it can be hard to restart.  

Yardwork

I take satisfaction from my best efforts

I am feeling a bit weary tonight. It is not the kind of exhaustion I have felt over the past couple of weeks from being sick and having no energy, but instead it is the weariness of having spent 5 hours doing yard work. I did not necessarily begin the task with a positive attitude, but looking back at it now I feel not just weary, but also satisfied with what I got done, and how I went about it. 

Instead of trying to get things done as quickly as possible, or just checking things off a list I focused on staying active, present, and doing things as well as I could. My lawnmower is in the shop for repairs so I reached out for help from a neighbor and borrowed his mower which gave me a nice opportunity to connect. We chatted about our motorcycles for awhile and I learned some things about rides he had taken in the area. Later I took a break to have sandwiches my girls made for a picnic dinner, and talked with a new neighbor who offered to take the branches from a tree I was trimming- I would not have to dispose of them and he could use them for his back yard fire pit. By the time I was ready to call it a day I was both surprised at the amount accomplished and grateful for the acts of kindness that had come along the way. 

I know that I am unlikely to get any recognition, it is doubtful that anybody else will even notice some of the things I did like trimming the bushes around the backside of the house where nobody ever goes. However, I know I did my best and I can quietly recognize myself for having worked hard and accomplished what I set out to do. Having done my best was enough and knowing that brings a certain sense of satisfaction along with the weariness. I will take the time to do things as well as I am able and to be satisfied with knowing that is enough. 

An old bike and 2 cans of spray paint

Everybody makes mistakes

I am slowly making my reamergance into the land of the living. Far from 100% but capable of basic functioning I decided to tackle a project with my oldest daughter. She is growing as young children are apt to do, and in the process is ready to graduate to a larger bicycle. A neighbor graciously gave us one of her daughter's old bikes last summer but it is in need of some repairs to be street worthy. I ordered a new bike tire and tube that will be arriving later this week and we decided it might be fun to give it a new paint job.

We went to the store and she picked out the paint she wanted- a metallic silver, and a second can of navy blue. I have watched an episode or two of custom motorcycle building on TV and I started to imagine attempting a flame paint job that would match my motorcycle. Perhaps a bit grandiose but I was excited about working on the bike together. After about 2 minutes of helping me strip down the bike she disappeared. When she reappeared it was atop her scooter with earphones trailing from underneath her helmet. I spent the next hour sweating in the sun trying to strip old stickers off the frame and sanding it down to paint. The exciting bonding project was turning into a one-man show. I managed to get her attention for a little help here and there but I had definitely moved from excited to impatient. Not long thereafter I decided I was done for the day. I was starting to cough myself into a headache again and my energy was gone.

I instructed the girls to clean up their bikes and come into the house. I went in to use the bathroom and as expected did not hear anyone come into the house so I guessed they were still out playing. When I stepped back outside the bikes and toys were still out and they had added something as well.

The tree was not particularly distressing to me, but the paint on the back patio was the proverbial straw... did she HOPE I would not notice? HOPE it would wash off? Or could she possibly have been diabolical enough to HOPE by writing her younger sister's name that the crime would not be pinned on her? I suppose there are far worse words to have spray painted on the cement but at the time I was beyond the ability to consider that.

The next several minutes consisted mainly of me yelling, threatening "huge consequences," and riding the flood of strong emotions. I put everybody in time-out (I should have included myself) and stomped around outside putting things away, reassessing the damage, and mumbling under my breath. When I got back inside I was able to start calming down a little bit, I wish I could say it was a conscious process but I think it mostly came from seeing the girls crying and looking overwhelmed with fear. I know that feeling and it helped me shift gears away from my initial knee jerk response of anger and wanting to fear or shame them into never doing something like that again, into a little more compassion and wanting them to learn from the experience. 

I worked on continuing to calm myself down while everyone got ready for bed. When things finally quieted down I told them that they had made a mistake and asked if they could learn any lessons from it. Their focus was understandably on the uncertainty of the impending promised consequences so I asked if they wanted me to offer a few suggestions. I decided to focus on 3 things with them:

1. Everybody makes mistakes.

2. If you are doing something and you get a feeling like you shouldn't do it, stop.

3. Some mistakes are harder to fix than others.

The second lesson they seemed to recognize and pick up on fairly quickly. They suggested that they probably should have asked before starting to spray paint things and that they did feel like it might be something they should not be doing. The third lesson is probably still a little too abstract for them to completely understand, but I think they did recognize that the paint was not going to come off easily so this was a mistake that was going to be hard to fix. However, the lesson that we came back to in the conversation over and over again was number 1. 

Everyone makes mistakes, but I worry that my eldest (like me) struggles to really accept that. I think of the many times I have shared that feeling of dread when I make a mistake. I worry about the consequences, what others will think of me, I conjure up the worst possible scenarios and start running them on repeat through my mind. I know nobody likes to make mistakes, but they are the place I have learned many of the important lessons of my life. But when I respond to my mistakes with shame or try to avoid responsibility I am not able to unlock those lessons. Instead of recognizing everyone makes mistakes shame tells me I am a mistake. What interest would I have in learning or taking accountability if I consider myself beyond repair? 

After affirming to my oldest several times that everyone makes mistakes, that she is a good girl and I love her, things eventually wound down and I put them to bed for the night. I went into the living room and sat down to write an affirmation and a few minutes later she wandered into the room. She asked to lie down on the couch next to me to fall asleep so I made room for her. She looked up at the blank page that she recognized as a blog entry and said that she knew what I could write about. I held my breath with anticipation and then exhaled with relief when she said,"everybody makes mistakes."

Mother's Day

I am not alone in my struggles

I still feel like garbage, but today is the first day in a week that at least one of the symptoms of my sickness improved. When I just could not muster the energy or focus to write an affirmation the last few days I noticed how quickly I found myself moving into shame. I have committed to writing daily and when I fall short of that I tend to be hard on myself. Rather than treating myself with kindness and understanding of the circumstances I face I piled on blame for coming up short. My focus is on what I did not accomplish rather than my best efforts being enough. 

Today it also reminded me of a conversation I had not long ago with a mother who mentioned how some mothers hate this holiday. For some, Mother's Day might not be a day to celebrate the incredible sacrifice and love required of motherhood, but instead serves as a reminder of the ways they judge themselves as having come up short. The responsibility of raising another human being is not a small or unimportant task. Children are good at pushing the utmost limits of patience, compassion, sanity, sleep, and emotion. I would argue that to be perfect as a mother is clearly impossible but at the same time does not deter them from trying. Despite doing the best they possibly can, and going beyond what even seems humanly possible, it may still feel like failure when driven by those lofty expectations. 

I think that many of us feel this way in various aspects of our lives, whether it be as a parent, at work, in our relationships or communities. I also suspect that many of us feel alone in that shame. The messages around us seem to say that everyone else has got it together, that we are the only ones to struggle. 

Today I choose to believe that despite my struggles I am enough. I will also choose to be kind with myself as I make mistakes and learn from those experiences. As I do this I will be authentic with others so that I will not miss opportunities for connection and support as we all struggle along our paths together. 

Today I honor and recognize mothers, and all who are willing to give of themselves in striving greatly to love and care for others.