Do you think you can dance?

I am danceful

The past 24 hours have been fairly miserable for me. I am sick and last night I could not breathe from massive congestion and my sleep was fitful at best.  I feel awful. Today was picture day for my girls soccer teams so I had to drag myself around feeling like death warmed over and wondering when the day would end. I just want to hide somewhere quiet and sleep until I start to feel better. 

Despite feeling strongly about the ability of affirmations to enact change I was not so sure that was going to do the trick with how I was feeling so I was thinking about just calling it a day without posting. Just as I was about to crawl into bed I was reminded of an affirmation my daughter came up with last year. She had just taken an interest in affirmations and as I was driving her to school she asked me if I had done my affirmation for the day. I shared mine with her and asked what she wanted to affirm, she replied, "I am danceful." 

In the 2 years I have been creating affirmations I still have not written one I like better. Even though physically I have been struggling just to make it through the day and I was not about to start doing the cha-cha, I think that the expression of dance starts from a much deeper place. Even when I am curled up in a ball hacking and wheezing I can be danceful at heart. 

Breakdown

I am making the repairs needed to maintain the things I value

Things have been falling apart on me lately. In the last few days one of the main pipes for my secondary water sprung a leak, the back tire on my motorcycle wore down to the threads, the battery in my car died, and last night I got sick. Even if I am taking care of my body or doing regular maintenance on all the things I use it should be expected that things will wear down or break. 

The lesson I am trying to remember today is that things can be fixed. I am not going to give up on the lawn, sell my bike, ditch the car, or start planning my funeral. In some situations the repairs might be expensive- like the $230 it will take to replace, mount, and balance the rear tire on my bike. It might also take time to do the repairs- if my daughters are any indication, whatever disease they have passed along to me is likely to stick around for awhile, but with time I will heal. 

I used to be terrified of having conflict in my relationships, even differences in opinion seemed scary because I was afraid that it would damage the relationship. I was afraid that once things broke down the relationship would be doomed. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and knowing that repairs can be made is the first step in engaging with the process of resolving them. Instead of avoiding them for fear of what might happen I can now recognize that even if time and effort will be needed things can often be repaired. Sometimes repairs come from listening, saying I am sorry, forgiving, or sharing my feelings authentically. With practice that process can even become a new skill- the first time I tried to fix the main line for the sprinkler water it took me multiple tries and many hours to finally fix it, this time around I was able to finish it in about 30mins on the first attempt. Even if it might require some outside help- I needed to borrow some tools to change out the battery today -I can ask for that assistance and repairs can be made. 

These experiences have reminded me that even when something eventually starts to wear down I can trust that things can be repaired, and that the process itself can be a strengthening and learning experience. The things I value most in life I have had to work hard to achieve and maintain. The more work I put into making repairs to relationships that I value the more I will treasure the closeness within them. 

Savasana

I find serenity in times of turmoil

It has become unofficial yoga week. Today I went into my session with the goal of focusing on my breathing throughout the practice. It is easy for me to lose focus when sweat is dripping from places I didn't even know had the capacity to perspire (knees?), the room feels like the temperature is just above hell and just below the sun, and as my body is stretching and pulling in ways that seem entirely unnatural my mind is screaming that this is all insane.  Those are the most important moments for me to relax and breathe.

Peace does not come from the absence of war. The ability to find stillness and calm comes from practicing it when everything around me is in disarray. I had several moments today when I lost my focus on breathing and surprisingly it was most difficult for me not when I was physically strained, but when I was trying to fully relax during savasana - corpse pose. In savasana what you do physically is lie on your back with heels together, feet fall apart, arms flat next to the body with palms open - you essentially lay down. Mentally it can be one of the most difficult poses. It can be just as difficult to find peace among the chaos of my own mind when I am perfectly still as it is to find it when I have things swirling all around me externally. 

Practicing staying in the moment, breathing, and letting go of expectations, fear, control, and shame helps me to be fully present. That is where I can find peace. The hurricanes of life will come and go. I can feel just as unsettled when things around me are calm, perhaps at those times I am frantic and just bracing myself for the next catastrophe to hit. Serenity does not require a certain set of circumstances to be achieved. When the chaos does come I can find the eye of the storm internally and be at peace. 

Trikonasana part 2

I am letting go of expectations

After focusing yesterday on fully committing I decided to go back to do another yoga session today. I felt more motivated and positive heading into the practice because I was committed to give my full effort. However, before the 90 minutes had even begun I started to think ahead. I worried about how my body would respond, if I would be able to hold the poses throughout, or if I would get dizzy again and have to take a break. After writing about fully committing and how much I dread triangle pose I had better do it this time!

Instead of being present in the moment I was building a mountain of expectations for me to climb. When I create a set of expectations I undermine my ability to be in the now and I set myself up for disappointment. Expectations create an arbitrary measuring stick that can determine wether I feel happy and successful, or disappointed and failure. This does not mean that I should give up trying to do my best, but rather that I surrender the need to control the outcomes. For example, if I set an expectation in my yoga practice that I should be able to go deeper into each pose than last time I might ignore where my body is and push it into strain or injury. Expectations ignore where I am at, and tell me only where I should be. Even when I have fully committed and given my very best, an unmet expectation tells me that I am not enough. 

When I am fully committed to a task and willing to give my full effort I can be okay with whatever the outcome is. Dropping expectations stops me from shoulding all over myself and others. It helps me to focus more on the process instead of the product.  Today I will let go of expectations and realize that my best effort is always enough. 

Trikonasana

I am fully committed

My post yesterday on regret has given me a lot to think about and work on. In particular I have lamented my lack of physical self-care for some time. In particular I have hoped to get back to doing yoga on a regular basis. I have a hereditary form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis and yoga has been the most effective exercise for me in maintaining flexibility. When I have practiced it regularly I have felt healthier than anytime since high-school.

The only yoga I have ever practiced however is Bikram Yoga, often referred to as hot yoga. It is a 90 minute routine with 28 poses and 2 breathing exercises. The temperature is held somewhere between 105-110 degrees with humidity at about 40%. A towel is used over the yoga mat because of the profuse amount of sweating that occurs. It is without question one of the most intense workouts I have ever tried.  I hate it and love it. The benefits are tremendous, but at times I have lacked the motivation necessary to walk into the room.

After a year away from practicing it I finally made my way back today. I always learn a lot about myself during those 90 minutes and the thing I was reminded of most today was the need to be fully committed. Multiple times I found myself feeling physically strained to my limits. I wanted to give up and sometimes I did. There are a handful of poses that I feel confident with, and some others that I dread each time. In particular trikonasana (triangle pose) is one of my least favorites.

bikramyoga.com

I convinced myself that it was going to be too painful to finish, that I could not do it. I did not fully commit to the pose and ended up sitting out most of the set. I tried a little, or as Bart Simpson would have said, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." I held back and as soon as I felt the pain and resistance from my body I gave in.

When I make a determination to do something it is not important that I do it perfectly or even that I am able to complete it, it matters that I give a full commitment and hold nothing back. If I fully commit to a yoga pose I find that I am more capable than I imagined, I feel satisfied and at peace with myself both during and after, and I get the full benefit of having done it even if it was not anywhere near perfect. In Bikram they always refer to it as yoga practice. Perfection is not an option, there is always further to go. My practice will always look different depending on where my body is that day and how it responds. If I let go of my expectations of what the outcome is supposed to look like and simply commit to the process fully I will get exactly what I need from the experience.

There remain areas in my life that I have not fully committed to and given my full effort. The fear of making mistakes, not doing it right, failing, and the other things I imagine could go wrong are me getting in my own way. These keep me from realizing my full potential. If I am to walk my chosen path of personal growth I must do it authoritatively and wholeheartedly with nothing held back. When I approach the practice of yoga or life in that way I can realize that I am enough, and I can be at peace with whatever happens. My willingness and commitment is what matters most.

On Regret

I am learning from my regrets and letting them go

Yesterday I was at a family gathering yesterday when the topic of regret came up. The conversation led to someone posing a question: "if you could go back what would you change?" When the question came to me I resisted answering. My dodgy response was that I am unable to go back so it would do me no good to dwell on it because I can't change any of those things. It started me thinking about regret and the role it plays in my life.

I think of regret as an emotion that resides close to where I experience pain. It is usually triggered by looking back and seeing choices I made that resulted in outcomes I am unhappy with. I feel the pain of behaving in a way that is not in harmony with my true self, I feel the pain of having hurt someone, or sometimes it comes from the pain of not living up to my potential. Regret is not something I like to experience. It creates a certain level of internal dissonance that I sometimes rush to escape from or that I let tie me down. Regret shows me that how I see myself, or who I want to be does not match up with what I have done. It is a mirror I do not enjoy looking into.

I have often heard the phrase, "no regrets" used. I have heard some claim they have no regrets or that we should all live life so that we have no regrets. I am not sure that is possible or even healthy for that matter. I have regrets- lots of them -and in about 2.1 seconds I could recall a list of regrets that would easily fill the pages of a book the size of War and Peace...single spaced...10 point font... 

The question for me is not should I or should I not feel regret, but what do I do with regret when it comes? My typical response has been to hold on to it and let the gremlins out to play, and when they have regret to work with they are capable of wreaking serious havoc. They make me feel like a failure, a hypocrite, weak, stupid, foolish, selfish, broken, unlovable, dirty, shameful, to name just a few. Because I struggle with feelings of worthiness the regret stirs up shame and reinforces the false idea that I am a bad person. Regret makes me want to withdraw from others to avoid having them see me or judge me. I start to self-protect and believe that nothing I do is good enough. I feel like giving up and I become a martyr of circumstance.

Today I want to choose a different response to feelings of regret. I will allow the pain of regret to be a teacher and motivator for change. I am human and I make mistakes. Those mistakes naturally create a feeling of regret but rather than run from it or living in that pain I will allow it to instruct me. I think the first thing that will help me gain experience and meaning from those memories that I regret is to ask myself a few difficult questions. What is the decision that the regret originates from? What impact did that choice have on myself and others? What things am I accountable for and what was out of my control? What amends need to be made? Have I sought forgiveness from others and myself? Have I been diverted from my path? What corrections need to be made in order to continue the process of growth and change? What lessons can I learn? Have I let it go?

Asking those questions empowers me and starts the process of bringing myself back into alignment with my true self. I do not need to see regrets as evidence that I am a failure, but rather as a gentle reminder of the opportunity to learn a lesson. I can move through regret and the other feelings associated with those experiences by allowing myself to feel them, learn from them, and let them go. I can not go back and change  even the smallest part of what happened, but I can change entirely the way I think about it and respond to it. When I do this regret begins to fade into acceptance, it sparks motivation to do the hard work it takes to be authentic, and hopefully distills a bit of wisdom that can be used in the future. Regret can be the motivator that helps me right now to make the difficult choices that I know are right, and to continue the hard work of striving to reach my full potential. When I live in this way I do not feel regret even when the outcomes of my choices are not what I would have hoped for. 

I hope that I continue to experience regret when I make mistakes. If I stop feeling that then I have either given up on my journey or lost my ability to feel empathy. When I feel the pangs of regret I will respond gently and gratefully for the opportunity it provides me to reflect and change.  I will feel regret long enough for it to teach and motivate me and then I will let it go. 

Do you have regrets that you are still holding on to? 

What lesson might be learned from them?

How might you start to let it go?

10k

Being authentic is always enough

I am not entirely sure what to say right now. I wrote #79 last month to mark view number 5,000 for Canffirmations. I decided that I would do something again when it reached 10k views. I wanted the post to be a good one. At the time I estimated that would occur somewhere around July or August if things continued as they were so I figured I had plenty of time to come up with something.  Instead it reached that mark sometime early this morning and I have been trying to figure out what to say all day. I have given up on trying to say anything amazing, but I would like to share a few thoughts about what the experience of writing these affirmations and sharing them has been like for me. I found something to affirm for myself in each of them. 

I recognize and take opportunities to be grateful

The first and most important thing is to thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the comments. I know that commenting has a certain level of vulnerability attached to it and I am grateful for your willingness to share your thoughts and wisdom with me. Thank you for walking along beside me on this journey. I am ever hopeful that what I share provides something useful for you in your own journey, and for that reason reaching this milestone encourages me to continue writing and sharing. Thank you.

I am practicing authenticity and vulnerability

Vulnerability and authenticity is HARD to do. I have surrendered the idea of being it, but it is something I continue to try and practice each day. I practice being authentic in my emotional experiences both with myself and in sharing them with others, I practice reminding myself that I am enough, I practice letting my walls down so I can connect with others. Sometimes the practice feels somewhat effortless and exciting, but most of the time it is a grueling lesson I am needing to learn again and again, and I have to glance back to see that I have actually made progress. 

My story is important

Stories are important. Telling little pieces of my story has allowed me to see how in the process of telling it and retelling it, I learn something about myself and make sense of my experiences. In addition, it allows me to begin fully owning my story and choosing how I will write the ending. 

I have learned how inspiring the stories of others are. The affirmations and unique voices that each of the guest posters brought here has added a depth and richness that I could never have accomplished on my own. I believe that everyone has a voice and a story worth telling. The weaving together of our stories creates a beautiful tapestry that binds us tightly together and gives us strength and support to courageously keep walking our paths. 

I am always learning

I have a lot to learn. The more willing I have been to open myself up to learn the lessons that life has to teach me, the more I see how little I really know and how much I have yet to learn. Seeing this has allowed me to take a more holistic approach to situations where I can now breathe and avoid going into crises mode anytime a challenge is presented. I can see more clearly the lessons I have to learn from my experiences, but also recognize that there will always be more to learn. I am human, I have a lot to learn, I am enough right where I am, and it is a long journey.  

I am never alone when I allow my journey to be witnessed

Walking together is so much nicer! As vulnerable as I feel expressing myself in this way it has created a safe place for me to walk my path in authenticity. A place where I can share exactly where I am at in my journey and affirm the things I am working on. It is a place where I can practice taking off the mask and being seen. Each time I do that I find support here from those who are willing to witness my journey and walk beside me for a time. 

Thank you for walking with me today.