Saturday, April 27, 2013

Trust Issues



I can share myself with others

I have trust issues. I wish I could say it only ran as deep as a distrust of cookies, but the consequences of those issues on me are far more severe. I have been told before that there are people who realize they have trust issues and those who do not realize they have trust issues. I suppose that should give me a feeling of relief that I am not the only one- but not so much. I still feel alone in those times when I struggle to trust others enough to share with them what I am experiencing.

I would guess that how I respond to those trust issues is different from how others may react,  but the way I respond is through withdrawing. I cut myself off from others in an effort to self protect. I do this most frequently when I feel strong emotions that I have labeled as negative. I felt really sad today. I have a variety of things going on, but it is not as if one terrible event triggered the emotion. I am not a stranger to that type of sadness because depression runs in my family and I have experienced these feelings of deep sadness for many years. It was only recently that I recognized that  my basement for those emotions was a bit darker, deeper, and harder to get out of than for most people. 

Sadness is one of those emotions that I have learned to label as negative. My perception of that emotion is that nobody wants to be around someone like that. Sadness is something to be shoved down, avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. I should buck-up and have a stiff upper lip. Nobody wants to hear me complain. Thus, partnered with my issues of trust I have learned not to talk about that particular feeling. 

So here I sit, alone, withdrawn, and still in my sadness because I have been unwilling to share it. I have had multiple texts this evening from friends, loved ones who have tried to engage and talk with me, but I got in my own way and blocked myself from the very thing that could help me connect and move through that emotion. I understand the risks of being vulnerable because that opens myself up for being hurt. Unfortunately there is no amount of safety that others can provide for me that will prove trust- I give it, or I don't. I did not tonight and although a part of me thinks that kept me safe all it did was keep me alone and shut-off. 

Today I will start to choose to trust in others and believe that I can share myself with them- flawed, imperfect, human...sad, and that I am still enough. If I am authentic with who I am and how I feel, I open myself up to potentially be hurt, but I also open myself up to be loved and understood. 


4 comments:

  1. One of the things that has helped me when I encounter my trust issues is based in a Japanese philosophy called Naikan. Naikan reminds us to be grateful for everything. If you're sitting in a chair and someone sold it, someone delivered it--you are the beneficiary of that. Just because they didn't do it especially for you doesn't mean you aren't blessed to be using it and enjoying it. The idea of Naikan is that if you practice gratitude then life becomes a series of small miracles, and you may start to notice everything that goes right in a typical life and not just the things that go wrong.

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    1. I love that philosophy. I can see that it is something I am going to need to consciously practice again and again. Thanks for the insight Jackie!

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  2. I don't blame you for not accepting the hand when others reach out. I know I have times when I don't want to reach out even when the opportunity presents itself. I just want to be left alone while I try and ignore my sadness. It takes time and effort to trust others and sometimes I just don't have it in me. It is like eating good food. I know it is good for me, but sometimes I just want to eat candy and other crap and be left alone. I think it is okay occasionally, but I can't make a habit of it or I will always go for the candy.

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    1. I can completely relate to that analogy. Even when I know what is good for me the appeal of something fast or easy seems to win out far too often over what is more difficult but more rewarding.

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