Trust Issues

I can share myself with others

I have trust issues. I wish I could say it only ran as deep as a distrust of cookies, but the consequences of those issues on me are far more severe. I have been told before that there are people who realize they have trust issues and those who do not realize they have trust issues. I suppose that should give me a feeling of relief that I am not the only one- but not so much. I still feel alone in those times when I struggle to trust others enough to share with them what I am experiencing.

I would guess that how I respond to those trust issues is different from how others may react,  but the way I respond is through withdrawing. I cut myself off from others in an effort to self protect. I do this most frequently when I feel strong emotions that I have labeled as negative. I felt really sad today. I have a variety of things going on, but it is not as if one terrible event triggered the emotion. I am not a stranger to that type of sadness because depression runs in my family and I have experienced these feelings of deep sadness for many years. It was only recently that I recognized that  my basement for those emotions was a bit darker, deeper, and harder to get out of than for most people. 

Sadness is one of those emotions that I have learned to label as negative. My perception of that emotion is that nobody wants to be around someone like that. Sadness is something to be shoved down, avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. I should buck-up and have a stiff upper lip. Nobody wants to hear me complain. Thus, partnered with my issues of trust I have learned not to talk about that particular feeling. 

So here I sit, alone, withdrawn, and still in my sadness because I have been unwilling to share it. I have had multiple texts this evening from friends, loved ones who have tried to engage and talk with me, but I got in my own way and blocked myself from the very thing that could help me connect and move through that emotion. I understand the risks of being vulnerable because that opens myself up for being hurt. Unfortunately there is no amount of safety that others can provide for me that will prove trust- I give it, or I don't. I did not tonight and although a part of me thinks that kept me safe all it did was keep me alone and shut-off. 

Today I will start to choose to trust in others and believe that I can share myself with them- flawed, imperfect, human...sad, and that I am still enough. If I am authentic with who I am and how I feel, I open myself up to potentially be hurt, but I also open myself up to be loved and understood. 

Celebration Time

I am marking and celebrating my accomplishments

Tonight I have the opportunity to celebrate with some students who are graduating with a Master's Degree. Because I have often have a tendency to focus more on the areas that I feel I come up short in life I have sometimes missed taking the opportunity to recognize when I accomplish something important. When I earned my 2 year associates degree I did not bother going to the graduation proceedings. When I finally finished my 4 year degree I was again reluctant to go.

Despite all of the time and effort it required to finish, the gremlins whispered in my head- "you took too long,"  "you could have done better," "what's the big deal, lots of people do it," "what makes you think you're special." Those thoughts diminish my accomplishments and the underlying message is that what I have done is not enough. If I allow that feeling to become prevalent in my life it might even lead me to avoid  trying anything that could be perceived as difficult. 

Marking and celebrating my achievements along the long and difficult journey of life helps to remind me that I am enough. It reminds me that how far I have come is much more important than how far I have left to go. A celebration provides opportunity to reflect, feel gratitude for the help received along the way, and to mark the transition into a new phase or challenge. Today I choose to see my best efforts as enough and to take time to honor the work I have done and those that have helped me through. 

I think it is sometimes just as important to celebrate the small victories in life as it is the things that they make Hallmark cards for. Have I continued practicing something that is difficult for me and not given up? Acknowledge it! Even though I am not where I want to be, am I now pointing in the direction I want to go and working towards my goals? Yay! Have you just barely hung on and made it through a difficult struggle that stretched and tested you further than you thought possible? Celebrate it! 

What achievement needs to be celebrated in your journey today?

Finals Week

I am always learning

Finals week. Today I have spent most of my time on campus grading papers and exams. Student's faces passing by are filled with tension and empty of smiles. I have been a part of the education system in some form or another for the vast majority of my life. I am no stranger to the intensity and stress that comes along with the close of each school year. Each time they come the stakes seem high and there is a sense of finality with everything that is happening. Sink or swim, do or die - perhaps part of the intensity comes from naming it Finals. I think I am going to start calling it transition week or something entirely different instead.

I believe life to be an ongoing learning process. It is an opportunity to realize my potential. That realization is never a finished product, it is a circular process of growth that does not have a determined end point. The classroom experience is special to me because it is an opportunity for me to engage with others and explore new ideas in a safe place. To take those ideas and experiment with them in a way that allows for mistakes, self-reflection, and the application of those ideas into my own unique journey.

To me education is valuable not in what is memorized but in the ability to open my eyes and see more of the world- not just the world around me, but the one inside myself as well as how it is experienced by those around me. I cringe at the idea that the word Finals might indicate to some that when the exams are over the learning process stops. A big part of choosing to study and teach has been in the value ideas have brought to me. It is not because I have finally mastered anything, but that I am committed to learning and growing in the areas where I am weak.

I have learning opportunities in and out of the classroom each day if I allow myself to see them. Today I choose to see learning as a cycle, an ongoing process that will continue to challenge me. Each test is an opportunity to assess where I am on my journey. My grades will not be an indication of success or failure, and they do not mark the end, they are merely a chance to see where I am headed and what corrections can be made along my path. 

Breaktime

I respect my limits

I have felt a little overwhelmed recently. Life has a natural ebb and flow but lately I have felt the panic of a rising tide of busyness and responsibility. Yesterday I was determined to buckle down and stem some of that tide by making plans to work diligently throughout the day.

Around mid-afternoon I started to feel restless and agitated. I was tired of sitting in a chair and I was frustrated with how much more work I had yet to do. I had reached my limits at that moment. I considered slogging through it but I have learned that there are times when pushing a limit can create more problems.

I took a break for some "family fun time," as one of my daughters affectionately calls it, and I felt ready to wade back into the work I had to do. I was riding my motorcycle back to the office and just as I was topping a hill and putting it into 3rd gear my clutch went loose and I could no longer shift gears. I was able to get to the bottom of the hill and then coast into a restaurant parking lot as the bike stalled out. I made a phone call for a ride and then got off the bike to take a look at things. I found that the tip of the cable that holds it into the clutch handle had popped off. Too much tension and wear had caused it to pull through the soldering holding it together. That small piece of metal wire being strained beyond the limits it could withstand brought the entire bike to a stand-still.

Just like a motorcycle there are multiple things I need in order to keep me going: sleep, nutrition, variety, connection, purpose, and emotional expression are just a few that come to mind. If I ignore my own self-care and push my limits to the point of breaking, it can shut-down the entire system. My limits are not there to hold me back, but rather to help me stay balanced and running smoothly.

What areas of your life are being stressed to the point of breaking?
If your limits are being tested how can you bring yourself back into balance?

Kiss it Better (Guest Post - Jonathan)

It is my pleasure to introduce a guest post by Jonathan Taylor. As a licensed clinical social worker he has seen the power of stories and their ability to free us, or keep us trapped in old patterns. They help make meaning from our experiences. His blog is a place where he can share some of his stories and hopefully inspire others to share theirs as well. I am grateful for his willingness to share one of those stories here.

My pain is real, it is valid, it has impacted me,

and it is a valuable avenue for me

to find the connection and meaning I seek

with those who's relationships I value the most

I have a three year old little boy, he is sweet, thoughtful, smart, and full of life. About two weeks ago, he was playing with some friends and stepped on a thumb tack. He was quickly comforted by the neighbor who's house it was and he was back to playing in no time.

He and I have a little tradition each morning- because of scheduling demands at work, a few nights a week, I am in the office past his bedtime. In the morning when he wakes up, we sit on the living room couch and he tells me about what he did the previous day. The morning after he stepped on the tack he came out of his room limping and whimpering and told me that he, "stepped on a thumb yesterday." He often tells my wife and I about little hurts or discomforts- some emotional and some physical- and the expected response is: "Can I kiss it better?"

I didn't know what had happened the night before- so I didn't know what, "I stepped on a thumb yesterday" meant, but I responded as he expected, "I'm sorry buddy, can I kiss it better?" We took care of the hurt with a kiss and his limp was miraculously gone.

As I thought about our exchange later that day, I laughed at what I perceived as some dramatization on his part- clearly his foot didn't hurt enough to legitimately warrant a limp, a kiss made it all better. Then it struck me- he didn't want help with any physical pain- he wanted acknowledgement that his pain was real and that it impacted him at one point in time.

I often tell myself, "I am over it, it doesn't hurt anymore" and I don't tell the story of my pain to anyone. I miss out on an opportunity to connect and to have my experience recognized and validated when I only share pain that I currently feel.

My pain is real, it is valid, it has impacted me, and it is a valuable avenue for me to find the connection and meaning I seek with those who's relationships I value the most.