I give myself permission to grieve
I recently spent 8 weeks teaching a class about conflict resolution and mediation. It was without question one of the most rewarding classroom experiences I have ever had. I invested myself heavily in the class. It was the first time the course was being taught so I was fortunate to be able to create it from the ground up. It allowed me to take risks and push myself to imagine what could be possible in a classroom. I am passionate about the topic and the power it has to transform individuals and relationships. Each week I practiced the vulnerability and depth of exploration I asked of the students. I poured myself into the teaching and I watched with awe as they willingly stretched themselves. They took ownership of their own learning processes and wrestled with difficult and uncomfortable ideas. The growth I witnessed was inspiring. Some of what I challenged myself to do each week was terrifying, but it was authentic and true to who I am.
As the class drew to a close I started to notice myself feeling sullen and withdrawn. I had a difficult time evaluating their final papers. I did not seem to be able to muster the energy I needed to give them the type of engaged feedback I had committed to. I began to realize I was grieving.
Everyone experiences loss. For me those losses trigger fear. I was afraid that I would never have an opportunity to teach like that again, afraid of losing the connection we had all created, and afraid that I would not be able to maintain the changes I had personally made during that time.
It is normal to grieve, and necessary. Allowing myself to experience it allows me to continue moving forward rather than being trapped in the past. The difficulty I was having is that I do not recall a time in my life that I have allowed myself to do that. Grieving can bring feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, helplessness. In the past I have denied my grief, sheltered myself from those hard feelings and compartmentalized the seemingly overwhelming emotions that would come. Giving myself permission to grieve honors the experience and has the power to eventually bring me to a place of acceptance.
As I am practicing letting myself experience the grief process I have noticed a shift in both my perspective and emotions. I am grateful and gratified for what I was privileged to witness and experience.
What does embracing the grief process transform for you?
