Burning Phoenix

Hi, after nearly a month of silence from me a greeting seems in order. Fortunately the silence has not extended both directions and I have had several friends and family members recognize my absence and reach out. A few days ago I had a former student approach me who had noticed there had been a significant draught since my last post and he wondered how I was doing. Initially I was embarrassed to have him ask me that question at all. Although I recognize in theory that everyone struggles, it can be tough to have my difficulties reflected back to me even through the concern of others.

My tendency in times of struggle is to isolate until I get things figured out. Even as we talked I felt the urge to hide behind "everything is fine." I think he could see beyond that facade and I am grateful that he did not let me off the hook so easily. As our conversation continued several things he said resonated with me and gave me pause. In particular I have been thinking a lot about the mythical story of the phoenix. 

In Greek Mythology the Phoenix was a magnificent bird that lived for hundreds of years. At the end of it's long life cycle it would build a nest of twigs which would ignite and consume both the nest and bird in flames. From the ashes left behind a new phoenix would arise and begin the cycle anew. 

The process of growth and change is a difficult and often painful one. Although it may not always happen at the speed of a blazing fire, I think it does require a type of death to the old self in order to change and begin anew. Although I certainly do not have this process figured out, I think that permanent change requires more than shuffling the deck and trying to modify a few behaviors. It requires wholesale changes that fundamentally alters me in a way that is akin to dieing and rising again from the ashes. Since that conversation I have identified a few things that I would like to set fire to in order to begin a new phase in my journeys. 

The first twig I am placing on the funeral pier is the illusion of needing to be perfect. Irrational ideals of how I want my relationships to be like, what kind of writing I do here, or the type of father I should be are just a few examples of the way I am constantly creating unrealistic expectations for myself. They leave me feeling like what I do is never enough. Perfectionism does not motivate me to be my best, instead it usually paralyzes me with such doubt and shame that I would rather not try at all rather than fail to reach those lofty ideals. As I set that part of me ablaze, what I want to rise from the ashes is the affirmation that I am enough.

The next twig that needs to be added is a tendency to believe that if I break something it can't be fixed. I spent much of my life avoiding even the appearance of conflict in my relationships because I believed that once I made a mistake, or they saw me for what I really am, nothing could ever be the same. Conflict always seemed like that beginning of the end so I thought if I could avoid it and pretend it wasn't there things might be okay. I am beginning to accept that everything and everyone breaks at some point. What those broken places look like and how we respond is different, but if I try to avoid the inevitable when the day comes to face the brokenness I will be unprepared to change. As I leave that old belief behind I can affirm that from the broken places I can grow strong.

There are several other things I want to torch and leave behind me but the last thing I want to write about today is the idea that my past actions determine who I am. One of the least effective things I can do when I am trying to make changes is to live in the past. As I have been walking this path of growth and change a common thing that has gotten me stuck is to spend my energy living in the past or obsessing over the future. Typically when I look back it is not as a healthy moment of reflection to gain perspective and focus, usually I look back and relive it. I bring back the pain, the negative emotions, the disappointment. I think about what might have been different if only I had... I start to go beyond thinking that my past impacts the present, but I stretch it into a fear that it also determines my future. This leaves me in a pendulum of emotion swinging between depression over the past and anxiety about the future. I am beginning to recognize how living anywhere but in the present moment is futile. The only place I can find myself is right now. I have no control over anything other than this very moment. I will live authentically through being fully present in the moment. 

I am hopeful that I can approach my life as something that is full of opportunities for change. I believe it is possible to begin anew if I am willing to set fire to old ways of thinking and being. It is a cycle of death and rebirth that I hope I can experience multiple times on my journey.