Committed

I am firmly committed

Working toward making the changes needed to reach my full potential is without question the hardest thing I have ever done. Old patterns and ways of thinking can be difficult to alter. Sometimes I get direct opposition to the things I want for myself.  At other times the danger comes from wanting to avoid the hard work it takes to accomplish my goals. There are even times when apathy or distractions keep me from focusing on where I want to go. Nothing of value comes without difficulty. 

When I look back a day, week, or years from now I want to remember this as a time I pushed through all of the potential barriers and made it through. It does not need to look perfect, I just need to persevere. I want to see that when I fell I got back up, when things got difficult I persevered, and that I stayed true to my authentic self. The only regrets I will hold is if I give up before my journey is finished. 

Today I commit to continue walking my path. 

"Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way." - Les Brown

Care Bear

I am making myself a priority

The past week has been intense for me. I have felt myself straining to stay ahead of the avalanche of grading I need to complete that threatens to bury me. I have felt stress and struggled through some vulnerability.  My time and energy seem to be in short supply. More than once this week I have completely missed a meal.  Yesterday I grabbed something quick to eat for breakfast and by the time I got around to eating again it was past 4. I developed a headache and I started to feel a little grouchy. As my family and friends can attest I am not nearly as amicable when I get hungry "Clair Bear" takes on new meaning as more than just a joking nickname.

Not eating regularly, exercising, or sleeping are always red flags for me that I am not taking good care of myself. The problem for me is that I do not properly prioritize my own self-care. 

If more than one thing comes into contention over where I spend my time or energy, I am likely to choose the thing that I value more highly. When I skip lunch and choose to do something instead of meeting even my basic needs I am devaluing myself and detracting from my feelings of worth. Today I choose to give attention to my self-care and recognize I am worthy of making myself a priority.

What do you need in order to properly care for yourself today?

Vulnerability, authenticity and connection

Risking my vulnerability is worth it

Two days ago I struggled to write the post Muddy Waters. As soon as I submitted it I immediately felt vulnerable.  What was I thinking? Nobody is going to care or relate to that.  What's the point? Why do I keep putting myself out there like that? My doubt and shame gremlins came out to play in droves.  I started obsessing over how many views the post was getting. By mid-morning of the next day I saw that nobody had commented yet and I let all my doubts take root.  I was relieved when I checked my email and saw that Stephanie had sent her guest post because I was still not ready to put myself out there again.  

Then the amazing happened. Within the next few hours God (insert Karma, the universe, providence, a Higher Power) showed up for me through the grace and vulnerability of others.  It started with a conversation I had with a friend who has recently started blogging. She said that after writing her second post she had a new appreciation for the vulnerability it creates when you write from a place of authenticity. She was able to connect with my experiences and understand what I was feeling. 

A few hours later I got an email from a fellow blogger who expressed how hard it is to write personal affirmations and how she had to constantly fight the pull to make generalized statements instead of owning her own story. Her email was full of support, empathy and sincerity.

Next I logged on to this site and read 3 incredibly open and vulnerable comments that resonated deeply with me. They reflected the same level of vulnerability as I had put into the post. In that moment I felt deep connection with each of them. I felt a connection with my authentic self, my Higher Power, humanity. I could feel myself as one of the threads of life woven into everything around me. I felt purposeful, inspired...understood. 

My story suddenly seemed to matter and have meaning. My understanding and perspective on this experience shifted. What I had experienced and done was not wasted. My story was worth sharing. Gratitude started to well up. The gremlins were vanquished! I took a mental note that the next time the risk of vulnerability came I was going to face it (feeling it now). I was going to embrace it and remember that it is worth it.

Vulnerability seems to be the first thing we look for in others and the last thing we want to show. I am not sure that I will ever feel so secure that the fear of being vulnerable will go away. Those gremlins will make another visit, I will doubt and feel the rawness of being open and sharing my story. I will probably have times where I fumble through it or run and hide, but I have seen what vulnerability can offer and I am going to keep taking that risk. I am going to be courageous!

The outcome is probably not always going to be an instant or overwhelming payoff like it was in this experience, but if I want true connection and to walk my path with authenticity, it is going to involve vulnerability - lots of it. I choose vulnerability with all of the inherent risks and uncertainty. It is my doorway to authenticity and connection. I will walk through it with boldness.    

Storytelling (Guest Post - Stephanie)

I had the pleasure of meeting Stephanie while we were both attending graduate school at the University of Montana.  She is a dedicated storyteller and has been sharing some of her writing and meditation practice on her blog visibleandreal.wordpress.com Stephanie is deeply inquisitive and is again pursuing graduate studies, this time in a counseling program in Maryland.  I have appreciated the support and friendship she has provided for me in the writing I do here and am very pleased to welcome her as a guest poster.

Owning and sharing my story is important.

There are so many times I want to deny what I have experienced. Maybe because it's not pretty, or because I feel redness seeping into my cheeks as I even think about sharing. Or perhaps it is, as I've even found when writing this affirmation, I find myself thinking, "Who cares? What does it matter to anyone else?"

I have to remind myself that it is important. It matters.

For me, part of the challenge has been in learning to own my story. Yet, when I am able to own it, I know it in the way that my movements and words embody the story and honors my truth. It's the difference between trying to push the truth behind me so no one sees it or letting it become simply a part of who I have become - just like my strands of gray hair and the laugh lines around my eyes.

The second hardest part? Sharing my story. Yet, the moments I am able to be honest and share what I thought no one would understand or want to hear have brought the most unexpected people closer.  I've begun to learn that when I share my story, I give permission to others to tell theirs. Whether in a small whisper or a loud "ME TOO!" - I have allowed space for truth to be seen and recognized.

This is how we come to know ourselves and know others.

My story is important. Your story is important.

The world needs our voices.  

Muddy waters

Wherever I am in my journey, I am enough

Even when I finally figured out what I needed to affirm today I still had a difficult time putting this post together.  This journey towards authenticity and seeking my full potential is often confusing and unsettling to me. It encourages me to do things that support my best self, but are horribly uncomfortable. 

Writing affirmations is something I have done for over a year now, but the process of getting to the point where I could make the choice to share them with others did not occur quickly. Before I was ready to start blogging I had collected in the vicinity of 200 affirmations. Part of the reason I saved them all was because I knew when I was ready to start sharing I wanted to have plenty of them prepared so that I never missed a day for an entire year.  I figured that with a couple of hundred that would give me the comfortable cushion I would need to start.  I was afraid that I would make the commitment to write daily but not be able to actually follow through. Maybe the pressure would be too much and I would freeze, or what if I got too busy? I tried to manage some of that anxiety by making lots of very pretty sounding affirmations. However, after I created Canffirmations I found that I was unable to use any of them.  

When I read those old affirmations they sometimes sound empty to me.  I know that when I wrote them I felt differently. The stories and what I wrote about still makes sense, but I am not in the same place as when I created them. I write these affirmations to help me be authentic and affirm my best self, but by trying to manage the impressions of other people by using what I had already written I undermined the very reason I chose to do this.  This process only works when I am me.  I know when my writing is not open and it is never as good because it is not what I am experiencing right now.

I struggled to write an affirmation today because I was worried that it would not be good enough for those who read it. I have had a very unclear and confusing day and I was afraid of being vulnerable with my readers. I was worried it would not sound positive enough, or that my writing would reflect the lack of energy I have felt. My murky thoughts from all of the things that I have had stirred up recently made it seem impossible to express myself.  I need a little work at getting over myself and to disavow any thoughts that walking my path is going to be easy. 

Escalante River - canffirmations.blogspot.com

I have mentioned in previous posts here about a trip to Coyote Gulch with some of my family. One of the longest of the hikes we did on that trip was to go from our campsite to where the river that runs through the gorge reaches the Escalante River.  We had planned on having some fun cooling off and swimming in the deeper water once we arrived.  We changed our minds once we got there.  The water was swifter, shallower, and much muddier than we had anticipated.  It looked closer to the consistency and color of chocolate milk than it did to the kind of water you would want to frolic in.  It was impossible to see the slippery rocks under the surface and trying to stumble through the current was problematic.  This is what it sometimes feels like for me to truly dive into the process of change.  It stirs up all sorts of things and those turbid waters become perilous.  Things get slippery and my counterproductive instincts of the past make me think I should go it alone or pretend I have it all under control.  I resisted reaching out my hand to steady myself with the help of someone else, or to be vulnerable with what I am feeling.  

Even thinking on a subconscious level that who I am and what I need to affirm is not good enough will keep me stuck exactly where I am.  If what I write does not resonate with others that is okay because although we walk together the paths are different.  To be authentic means I have to affirm what I need right now. It is more vulnerable, and certainly less polished than what I want it to look like at times, but it is the only choice for me if I want to stay on my path. Being me, and writing from the place I am at is enough.  

What needs affirming today to support your authentic self? 

What area of your life need a reminder that you are enough? 

Quieting the tornado (Guest Post - Ruth)

I am happy to introduce another guest poster today.  Ruth LaDart has been keeping a family blog for several years.  She is also an incredibly talented artist with a needle and thread and recently started sharing her handmade children's blankets that she designs at snuglyfriends.blogspot.com.  Ruth is my sister and the first person I turned to for advice when I decided to enter the blogosphere.  I am deeply appreciative of her continued support and willingness to share in my journey.

When I quiet my mind, I see things with more clarity

I was excited and immediately anxious when asked to write a guest post. My mind has been a disorganized mess trying to extract an affirmation. The more I thought about affirmations, the more I doubted I had anything substantial to offer.

image source: http://www.stormchasing.ca/

I struggle with indecisiveness. Even when I make a choice, I often find the doubt creeping in that I could have made a better call, or I should have gone in a different direction. If you could see my mind it would resemble a tornado; a dizzy, churning mess. It's no wonder I hesitate with decisions, especially when my thoughts are all over the place.

When my mind is focused on a task and it slows down a bit, I have a much different viewpoint. Sitting today and sewing, my affirmation came to me, and rather than change my mind a dozen different times (which I had up to that point) I knew I struck the issue I needed to address.

Sitting and talking with Clair yesterday, we commented on how uncomplicated a young person's mind works. There aren't years of catalogs that muddle their heads and bamboozle their thoughts. While my mind may not process things as minimally as a child's does, I can slow it down by focusing on what's at hand. When I focus on one thing at a time, the other thoughts swirling in my head are quieted. I am my best for myself and others when my mind is clear and free from unrelated distractions.

I will take time to quiet my mind and focus on things independently.