Wherever I am in my journey, I am enough
Even when I finally figured out what I needed to affirm today I still had a difficult time putting this post together. This journey towards authenticity and seeking my full potential is often confusing and unsettling to me. It encourages me to do things that support my best self, but are horribly uncomfortable.
Writing affirmations is something I have done for over a year now, but the process of getting to the point where I could make the choice to share them with others did not occur quickly. Before I was ready to start blogging I had collected in the vicinity of 200 affirmations. Part of the reason I saved them all was because I knew when I was ready to start sharing I wanted to have plenty of them prepared so that I never missed a day for an entire year. I figured that with a couple of hundred that would give me the comfortable cushion I would need to start. I was afraid that I would make the commitment to write daily but not be able to actually follow through. Maybe the pressure would be too much and I would freeze, or what if I got too busy? I tried to manage some of that anxiety by making lots of very pretty sounding affirmations. However, after I created Canffirmations I found that I was unable to use any of them.
When I read those old affirmations they sometimes sound empty to me. I know that when I wrote them I felt differently. The stories and what I wrote about still makes sense, but I am not in the same place as when I created them. I write these affirmations to help me be authentic and affirm my best self, but by trying to manage the impressions of other people by using what I had already written I undermined the very reason I chose to do this. This process only works when I am me. I know when my writing is not open and it is never as good because it is not what I am experiencing right now.
I struggled to write an affirmation today because I was worried that it would not be good enough for those who read it. I have had a very unclear and confusing day and I was afraid of being vulnerable with my readers. I was worried it would not sound positive enough, or that my writing would reflect the lack of energy I have felt. My murky thoughts from all of the things that I have had stirred up recently made it seem impossible to express myself. I need a little work at getting over myself and to disavow any thoughts that walking my path is going to be easy.
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| Escalante River - canffirmations.blogspot.com |
I have mentioned in previous posts here about a trip to Coyote Gulch with some of my family. One of the longest of the hikes we did on that trip was to go from our campsite to where the river that runs through the gorge reaches the Escalante River. We had planned on having some fun cooling off and swimming in the deeper water once we arrived. We changed our minds once we got there. The water was swifter, shallower, and much muddier than we had anticipated. It looked closer to the consistency and color of chocolate milk than it did to the kind of water you would want to frolic in. It was impossible to see the slippery rocks under the surface and trying to stumble through the current was problematic. This is what it sometimes feels like for me to truly dive into the process of change. It stirs up all sorts of things and those turbid waters become perilous. Things get slippery and my counterproductive instincts of the past make me think I should go it alone or pretend I have it all under control. I resisted reaching out my hand to steady myself with the help of someone else, or to be vulnerable with what I am feeling.
Even thinking on a subconscious level that who I am and what I need to affirm is not good enough will keep me stuck exactly where I am. If what I write does not resonate with others that is okay because although we walk together the paths are different. To be authentic means I have to affirm what I need right now. It is more vulnerable, and certainly less polished than what I want it to look like at times, but it is the only choice for me if I want to stay on my path. Being me, and writing from the place I am at is enough.
What needs affirming today to support your authentic self?
What area of your life need a reminder that you are enough?
Oh, Clair. This is an amazing post that resonates to much with me today. The affirmation, the questions, the story.
ReplyDeleteIn the book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, there's a story of a meditation master who had Alzheimer's and was giving a talk. As he stood at the podium to give his talk, it went out of his head. So, he stood there, simply acknowledging his experience. "Frustrated. Embarrassed. Unsure." And Brach talks about how profound that experience was - to see a practitioner sit with what was there and not try to cover it or hide it.
Thank you for practicing and sharing the fullness of it - because it truly is enough.
Stephanie
That story is amazing.
DeleteI have been a little too raw and working through a pretty heavy "vulnerability hangover" but I have to share how overwhelmed I was by the support and connection I felt from these comments. They affirmed how important it is for me to be authentic. Thank you.
I truly feel like I am enough as a stay at home mom. Wow....that hit me like a ton of bricks to see it in writing and finally admit it to myself. I have not been afraid to hint at this truth to others but it has been scary to admit it to myself. I know that the person that I am since the birth of my first child is very different than the person that I was while I was pregnant, which is very different from the person that I was before I was pregnant. Morphing into a different person that many times in such a short amount of time feels unsettling because I have been forced to get to know myself over and over again. I worry that others will not be able to keep up with or support the changes, but I am secure in knowing that I am enough for myself, my newborn son, and my husband.
ReplyDeleteClair, I want you to know how much I admire you for doing this. Posting a comment is difficult enough and I can only imagine how difficult it is to be the one who is writing these everyday and putting yourself out there. Thank you for doing it and sharing your journey with me. Love you bro!
Thank you Carrie! Commenting, writing, sharing, anything that requires the level of vulnerability and openness you just expressed is always going to be difficult. Reading your comment made me feel connected to you and very grateful to call you sister!
DeleteI have always appreciated and respected your ability to put yourself out there in your affirmations, but until I wrote one of my own, I didn't fully understand how vulnerable you become each time that you do. It definitely is a scary feeling! Thank you for embracing the discomfort and sharing yourself.
ReplyDeleteI had the opportunity to learn what you discussed in your affirmation; what you write may not always resonate with your readers, but the idea of an affirmation is that it's first for you and brings to light an issue important in your journey. Pretty or not, we all deal with dark emotions and it's important to acknowledge those feelings instead of sweeping them under the rug. I think the less we did that with each other, the more we'd realize that we all struggle, often times with very similar issues. Regardless of our dark feelings, mistakes we've made, low moments in life we're still worthy of love and should not let our fears of being transparent cause us to question if we'll be accepted.
Thank you for writing about where you are right now on your journey. I think your affirmation resonates with more people than you realize. I appreciate you being vulnerable, and where you may see a less-than-positive post, I see you being real and honest. I respect that authenticity. There's strength and inspiration to be found in the dark corners too.
Thank you Ruth! I love that idea - inspiration to be found in the dark corners. It is easy for me to see it from others, but always more difficult to go there in myself. Thank you for the encouragement you provide so consistently and wholeheartedly. It helps me to be courageous enough to keep putting myself out there.
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