Vulnerability, authenticity and connection

Risking my vulnerability is worth it

Two days ago I struggled to write the post Muddy Waters. As soon as I submitted it I immediately felt vulnerable.  What was I thinking? Nobody is going to care or relate to that.  What's the point? Why do I keep putting myself out there like that? My doubt and shame gremlins came out to play in droves.  I started obsessing over how many views the post was getting. By mid-morning of the next day I saw that nobody had commented yet and I let all my doubts take root.  I was relieved when I checked my email and saw that Stephanie had sent her guest post because I was still not ready to put myself out there again.  

Then the amazing happened. Within the next few hours God (insert Karma, the universe, providence, a Higher Power) showed up for me through the grace and vulnerability of others.  It started with a conversation I had with a friend who has recently started blogging. She said that after writing her second post she had a new appreciation for the vulnerability it creates when you write from a place of authenticity. She was able to connect with my experiences and understand what I was feeling. 

A few hours later I got an email from a fellow blogger who expressed how hard it is to write personal affirmations and how she had to constantly fight the pull to make generalized statements instead of owning her own story. Her email was full of support, empathy and sincerity.

Next I logged on to this site and read 3 incredibly open and vulnerable comments that resonated deeply with me. They reflected the same level of vulnerability as I had put into the post. In that moment I felt deep connection with each of them. I felt a connection with my authentic self, my Higher Power, humanity. I could feel myself as one of the threads of life woven into everything around me. I felt purposeful, inspired...understood. 

My story suddenly seemed to matter and have meaning. My understanding and perspective on this experience shifted. What I had experienced and done was not wasted. My story was worth sharing. Gratitude started to well up. The gremlins were vanquished! I took a mental note that the next time the risk of vulnerability came I was going to face it (feeling it now). I was going to embrace it and remember that it is worth it.

Vulnerability seems to be the first thing we look for in others and the last thing we want to show. I am not sure that I will ever feel so secure that the fear of being vulnerable will go away. Those gremlins will make another visit, I will doubt and feel the rawness of being open and sharing my story. I will probably have times where I fumble through it or run and hide, but I have seen what vulnerability can offer and I am going to keep taking that risk. I am going to be courageous!

The outcome is probably not always going to be an instant or overwhelming payoff like it was in this experience, but if I want true connection and to walk my path with authenticity, it is going to involve vulnerability - lots of it. I choose vulnerability with all of the inherent risks and uncertainty. It is my doorway to authenticity and connection. I will walk through it with boldness.