Pendulum Swings

I am gentle in my attempts to find balance

I had the privilege of writing a guest post for my friend Stephanie over at visibleandreal today. It was a different type of writing than I do here and I found it to be a very raw and vulnerable experience. I shared a piece of myself through a story of when I was in kindergarten, and that level of openness can often lead me to something Brene Brown talks about as a "vulnerability hangover" (TED talk).

My first reaction to that feeling is that I want to withdraw and self-protect. It has the ability to throw me completely off kilter and I even found myself feeling a little noxious and my head started to pound. When I have intense emotions like that I often want to get out of them as quickly as possible. The tendency is to jump to the opposite end of the spectrum and it results in me over-correcting.  

Image source: ehow.com

I affirmed recently the need to find balance and as I started to think about how I was responding to my vulnerability. The knee-jerk reaction of withdrawing into myself does not leave me feeling balanced. Instead of finding a centered place I was swinging the pendulum back into an extreme. It reminded me of past experiences where I have lived from a place of deprivation such as neglecting basic self-care, and then going violently in the other direction by doing something like splurging on an expensive meal. It can look many different ways but the theme that it uncovers is that rather than finding a place of balance I am swinging back and forth between extremes. It makes it very difficult to walk my path of authenticity in a forward direction when I'm swaying dizzily back and forth. 

My practice and affirmation today is that when I am feeling unbalanced, rather than over-correcting and swinging drastically in the opposite direction I will trust in myself and others to meet my needs in healthy ways. Instead of withdrawing today I practiced staying in my vulnerability and reaching out for support. I took a nap. I stayed present and connected. I felt a little wobbly at first, but I feel far more centered now than if I had let myself go with my first panicked instinct to withdraw.

What area in your life needs a gentle correction to come back into balance? How do you practice being centered?

Shrink to Fit

I am speaking my voice and living with passion
 I will rise up and not shrink

Today I had the opportunity to watch speeches from students in my public speaking class. It was inspiring. I was moved as I watched them stand in front of a crowded room and own their voices with confidence. They spoke with passion, vulnerability, and shared their stories with courage. They connected with me and the others in the room, and for me it called out my own passion. Oh how I want to live from that place of authenticity all of the time! I want to be true to myself, and by being my authentic self call out the best in others. 

Too often I find myself shrinking to fit. Sometimes that comes from the shouting voices that bombard me daily. A belittling Facebook post that attacks others with shame. An advertisement telling me how I should look, eat, smell, travel, and how I will be seen if I do not fall in line. A piece of unsolicited advice on how I should handle the most complicated and personal issues in my life. A look of disapproval, judgement, scorn. The voices that go around shoulding all over me and anyone else in their path. Sometimes I even start to internalize them.

"Who do you think you are?"
"You should keep your head down and avoid trouble."
"Don't try or you will just fail."
"You will never be accepted."

When I let those voices find purchase inside me I start to erect the watchtowers that keep my authentic self small and confined. I create my own set of guards to keep a watchful eye lest I even dare to consider stepping out from behind the bars of should. 

I will not let my voice be drowned out by those that want to keep me small. I want to rise to the full measure of my creation. I will own my authenticity and speak from the heart. I will shout an invitation to others who are willing to witness me for who I am and not what they want me to be. An invitation to be who they are. I do not need you to agree with me or fix anything, just let me know you see me and want to support my growth in all of its' awkwardness and frequent mistakes. Let me speak my voice without trying to shush me. And when you see me owning my authenticity and finding my voice encourage me to live and speak it with boldness. 

What part of you has been shushed and shrunken that needs to be voiced? 

Walking the Fence

I am practicing balance in my life

I grew up in Spring City, population 800. By "in" I mean 1.5 miles outside the city limits. Until I was about 10 the old highway road we lived on that stretched through the main street of town was 1 of only 2 paved roads. As a young boy growing up in a small town in the prehistoric age before smart phones, tablets, PS2, and the internet, my choices for entertainment were different than what my children have available. 

This is a recent photo of the house I grew up in from the age of 8 until I was 18. Although the trees are taller and the grass is not as green, it looks very much how I remember it as a child. During the summer months I spent a countless number of hours trying to learn to balance and walk across the top of a wooden fence that encircled our house and several sections of the garden area in the backyard. It was a challenge to maintain my balance on the long wooden poles used to build the fence. Many of them were uneven, knotted, and irregularly shaped. It took numerous tries to learn to even stand still and balance myself without falling. I would put my arms out in both directions to maintain my steadiness and eventually started taking careful steps. I would see how long I could go without falling and eventually I was able to cover the length between two fence posts. I then had to learn to carefully traverse around each post to make it to the next section.

I started to keep a mental record book of how long I could stay atop the fence and how far I could walk across it before losing my balance. Even after becoming proficient it always required my full attention and focus to avoid falling. Any time I allowed for distractions or let my mind wander from the task at hand I would most certainly slip off.  Those falls were usually without incident but it also took some patches of skin off my legs and left a few long scratches on more than one occasion.  

Living an authentic and healthy life that is true to who I am, requires me to pay careful attention to balanced living. I need adequate sleep and nutrition to function, but I need far more to be balanced and healthy. I need connection, safety, adventure, challenges, affection, exercise, solitude, goals, spontaneity, plans, openness, boundaries, surprises, tradition, spirituality, and a great many other things to live in balance. 

When any one area of my life becomes over emphasized, or if I find myself living from a place of deprivation, either of these circumstances can bring me out of balance. With awareness and practice I can learn to be more conscious and responsive to these shifting needs, but it will always require focus and attention. If I do not prioritize the nurturing of each part of what constitutes my true self I will find myself slipping and falling. It can feel exhausting and difficult to walk my path, but it becomes even more difficult if I am constantly losing the balance I need to create positive momentum towards my goals. 

Today I will focus carefully on what areas of my life have become unbalanced and do what is necessary to bring myself back into alignment.

What do you need to restore the balance needed to work toward your goals?

Compliments Please

I am focused on internal rewards

My eldest daughter has often been an inspiration, encourager and even contributor to this blog. I was excited and proud when she wanted to be a guest poster. I have kept her updated on how many people have read her affirmation and when she receives comments. We were riding in the car this weekend when she asked me, "How come I only get one compliment on my blog?"

I let her know that I often do not get comments on my posts either and that not everybody who reads it and likes it will always leave a message. She seemed disappointed. I related. 

I thought about how often I obsess over page counts, and that just a few days prior I had been in the same position of worrying about not getting any comments on a particularly vulnerable post I had written. Often I find myself stuck (right now for example) over exactly how to write an affirmation. I worry about how it will be received, what people will think of me when they read it. My focus shifts from writing authentically for the goal of supporting my own growth process to looking for external validation. 

It is nice to receive approval or praise from others, but if I always look for validation from the outside I may relinquish my power of self-definition. If I need constant approval for what I do and who I am, I may begin to measure my success and failure by the ever shifting measuring sticks of others. The intrinsic value of doing what is right because it is true and authentic to who I am is the source of my own integrity. I will keep my focus on the internal reward of doing what is consistent with my true self.  

Letting Go and Loving (Guest Post - Jackie)

It is my pleasure to introduce another excellent guest blogger. Jackie Pack is a licensed clinical social worker and although her blog simplecourage has only been online a month, the writing reflects years of wisdom in both walking her own path of authenticity, and helping others walk their own. I was once accused of thinking like her and I took it as a gracious compliment.

My Ability to Love
 Is Greater than any 
Wound I will Experience

Life is challenging…I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s supposed to be.  I believe that every person struggles and nobody is exempt from difficulties.  I believe that people do their best with the skills they have and that the world breaks everyone. 

There was a time in my life when the idea of getting married and bringing children into this world created a lot of anxiety.  I didn’t feel capable of bringing a child into a world I knew could be so harsh and cruel and helping them navigate through it.  Fortunately for me, my husband isn’t the kind who gives up easily and loved me until I felt safe enough to love him back.  Three years after we were married, our first of four daughters was born.  Suddenly, the world seemed a different place; what was once harsh and cruel now seemed to hold such beauty and hope.  I had no idea that this level of love lived inside me.  I loved seeing the world through my daughter’s eyes as they made each new discovery; the feel of grass on bare feet for the first time, figuring out how to sound out words or mastering that multiplication problem.

My daughter’s ages now span from 17 years to 10 years old.  They’re old enough to have experienced heart break.  To learn for themselves that life can be cruel.  One of the lessons I hope they are also learning is best summed up by Pink:  “we’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again.”

I still get lost at times.  Unsure. Scared. Sad. I still have days where I need to be reminded to let go and to open up.  As I go through all kinds of feelings and experiences in my journey through life---surprise, delight, chagrin, dismay, betrayal and disappointment, I hold this question as a guiding light:  “What do I really need right now to be happy?”  What I come to over and over again is that only qualities as vast and deep as love, connection and kindness will really make me happy in any sort of enduring way. 

Sandy Shoes (Guest Post - Eric)

 I am excited to introduce today's guest post by Eric - my older brother, exemplar, supporter, and friend. 

When I was as a young Boy Scout, one of my favorite places to camp was at the Little Sahara Sand Dunes.  I remember playing touch football for hours at night, running barefoot in the cooling sand with only the moon for light.   When I got home I poured buckets of sand out of my shoes, but I didn’t care, I had so much fun.

This month my sons’ Boy Scout troop went camping at some sand dunes near the Little Sahara.  I got off work early on Friday to meet them there. They didn’t go to the regular campgrounds that I remember, but to one further away, one without all of the ATVs zooming around.

The one downside to their out-of-the-way campsite was the quarter mile dirt road that I had to take to get there.  At first the gravel road was decent, but soon the dips got bigger and bigger.  I was doing well, taking it easy until I turned a corner and came upon deep, loose sand.  Before I knew it I was stuck.  I got out, dismayed to see the front tires deep in sand.  I wanted to push it or dig it out myself, but it was soon obvious that I couldn’t do it alone.  I swallowed my pride and trekked the rest of the way to the camp to ask for help.  The scouts came over but were unsuccessfully in digging or pushing me out.  Luckily one of the scout leaders had a big truck, so he hooked up a strap and pulled me out.

I had a great time at the camp.  I enjoyed the sunny spring weather in the desert and the natural beauty there.  In the morning we broke camp and got ready to leave.  I was a little nervous about driving out, but this time knew what to do.  After starting the car, I sped up, got some good momentum and just kept driving.  I could see where I got stuck before and I drove around it.  It was a bumpy ride, but I made it to the paved road without incident. 

This experience gave me a lot to think about and things that I can affirm for myself:

1.       Spinning my wheels in the proverbial sand gets me nowhere.

2.       Some problems I can’t get out of by myself.

3.       People will help when I’m humble enough to ask for it. 

4.       I can learn from previous pitfalls and know how to avoid them. 

5.       I don’t get stuck when I maintain momentum. 

6.       Sometimes I just need to get sand in my shoes and have fun.