On Regret

I am learning from my regrets and letting them go

Yesterday I was at a family gathering yesterday when the topic of regret came up. The conversation led to someone posing a question: "if you could go back what would you change?" When the question came to me I resisted answering. My dodgy response was that I am unable to go back so it would do me no good to dwell on it because I can't change any of those things. It started me thinking about regret and the role it plays in my life.

I think of regret as an emotion that resides close to where I experience pain. It is usually triggered by looking back and seeing choices I made that resulted in outcomes I am unhappy with. I feel the pain of behaving in a way that is not in harmony with my true self, I feel the pain of having hurt someone, or sometimes it comes from the pain of not living up to my potential. Regret is not something I like to experience. It creates a certain level of internal dissonance that I sometimes rush to escape from or that I let tie me down. Regret shows me that how I see myself, or who I want to be does not match up with what I have done. It is a mirror I do not enjoy looking into.

I have often heard the phrase, "no regrets" used. I have heard some claim they have no regrets or that we should all live life so that we have no regrets. I am not sure that is possible or even healthy for that matter. I have regrets- lots of them -and in about 2.1 seconds I could recall a list of regrets that would easily fill the pages of a book the size of War and Peace...single spaced...10 point font... 

The question for me is not should I or should I not feel regret, but what do I do with regret when it comes? My typical response has been to hold on to it and let the gremlins out to play, and when they have regret to work with they are capable of wreaking serious havoc. They make me feel like a failure, a hypocrite, weak, stupid, foolish, selfish, broken, unlovable, dirty, shameful, to name just a few. Because I struggle with feelings of worthiness the regret stirs up shame and reinforces the false idea that I am a bad person. Regret makes me want to withdraw from others to avoid having them see me or judge me. I start to self-protect and believe that nothing I do is good enough. I feel like giving up and I become a martyr of circumstance.

Today I want to choose a different response to feelings of regret. I will allow the pain of regret to be a teacher and motivator for change. I am human and I make mistakes. Those mistakes naturally create a feeling of regret but rather than run from it or living in that pain I will allow it to instruct me. I think the first thing that will help me gain experience and meaning from those memories that I regret is to ask myself a few difficult questions. What is the decision that the regret originates from? What impact did that choice have on myself and others? What things am I accountable for and what was out of my control? What amends need to be made? Have I sought forgiveness from others and myself? Have I been diverted from my path? What corrections need to be made in order to continue the process of growth and change? What lessons can I learn? Have I let it go?

Asking those questions empowers me and starts the process of bringing myself back into alignment with my true self. I do not need to see regrets as evidence that I am a failure, but rather as a gentle reminder of the opportunity to learn a lesson. I can move through regret and the other feelings associated with those experiences by allowing myself to feel them, learn from them, and let them go. I can not go back and change  even the smallest part of what happened, but I can change entirely the way I think about it and respond to it. When I do this regret begins to fade into acceptance, it sparks motivation to do the hard work it takes to be authentic, and hopefully distills a bit of wisdom that can be used in the future. Regret can be the motivator that helps me right now to make the difficult choices that I know are right, and to continue the hard work of striving to reach my full potential. When I live in this way I do not feel regret even when the outcomes of my choices are not what I would have hoped for. 

I hope that I continue to experience regret when I make mistakes. If I stop feeling that then I have either given up on my journey or lost my ability to feel empathy. When I feel the pangs of regret I will respond gently and gratefully for the opportunity it provides me to reflect and change.  I will feel regret long enough for it to teach and motivate me and then I will let it go. 

Do you have regrets that you are still holding on to? 

What lesson might be learned from them?

How might you start to let it go?