Shine on

I am turning to face the light in times of darkness

I woke up this morning at 4:11a.m. and it was not intentional. Pain was radiating from the center of my back up and down my spine. Pressure along the nerves in my spine created an intense pain that made it difficult for me to stand up, move, lay flat, stretch, no position alleviated the pain. I suffered in darkness until the pain medication I took kicked in and I could fall back to sleep. Fortunately I woke up with some residual soreness but minus the pain that had jolted me from my sleep.  

Pain and darkness is a place I have visited inside myself many times. It is a lonely place where the only company I have is fear, doubt, shame, worry, hopelessness, and despair. Sometimes I choose to visit, and at other times I am uncertain how I arrived. I think everyone experiences times of darkness and pain but choosing how to respond to those moments is critical. 

I have noticed that I have three common responses to finding myself in a dark place that can keep me stuck there:

1. Isolation- When I feel alone in the darkness I falsely believe that nobody can understand what I am going through. I might want to hide to keep other people from seeing me struggle. I fear that I will be perceived as weak or incapable. I feel like I might burden them with my problems so I keep them to myself.

2. Shoulding- When I focus on the shoulds and shouldn'ts of my situation instead of what I am actually experiencing I deny my emotions and shame myself. Those unfair judgements keep me stuck in the darkness because they tell me that I deserve to be there. 

3. Pitching a tent- When I experience pain and darkness it eventually becomes a choice whether or not I want to stay there. Sometimes I let anger, self-pity, or the need to control others feelings take over. I become a martyr to circumstance and set-up a permanent residence in the dark. I think that by pitching a fit and being miserable I will get what I want from others. It is a bit like holding my breathe to get what I want. If I stay too long I in the darkness I run the risk of forgetting what it is like to live in the light. I may become accustomed to the darkness and stop looking for a way out.

As painful and dark as those places may be I believe there is always a choice that brings hope, I can choose to turn away from the darkness towards the light. Darkness is only defined by the absence of light and there is no hole too deep or dark for light to penetrate it. Looking behind me I see my shadow, but it vanishes as soon as I turn towards the source of light. 

Light can come in the form of a hand reaching out in the darkness, compassion, tears of understanding, a Higher Power, truth, love. I believe that goodness and light exists in abundance all around us and within each of us. Today I choose to turn to the light when I find myself stuck in the darkness.

What keeps you stuck in dark places and how do you find your way back to the light?