Doh!

I am accountable and promptly admit my mistakes

My daughters have been super excited about Valentine's Day this year.  For the last week they have asked every day if it is February yet.  The past few days they have been leaving me little messages and cards each day leading up to Valentines. 

They also worked hard with their mom to decorate small buckets filled with treats.  The plan was to leave the buckets with a couple of neighbors with the encouragement to then pass along the "love bucket" to someone else.  As soon as February 1st arrived they couldn't wait to deliver them.

My wife works graveyard shifts and before she left I got directions on which houses to deliver to and instructions on which bucket to leave, and not to forget to include the cinnamon rolls that were still in the refrigerator. She went over this several times and I was feeling a little annoyed that she kept reminding me.  I was sure I could handle this small task.  This morning when she arrived home from work I woke up as she came in the room.

"You forgot the cinnamon rolls."

My mind exploded with a few colorful words and a wave of shame spread through me.  How could I have forgotten that? My mind conjured multiple excuses.  Next I let myself feel anger and resentment.  Why did she have to point that out to me before even saying hello?  I pushed the responsibility away and wallowed in negative thoughts and feelings. For five minutes I sat in bitter silence over cinnamon rolls.  I finally got around to apologizing, but it felt like bile coming out of my mouth. 

I am human and as such I make mistakes... a lot of them. Unfortunately some of those mistakes hurt others and might at times be more serious than just forgetting cinnamon rolls. Those closest to me and who have trusted me to share in their journey are the ones I can wound most deeply. The knife that injures also cuts both ways. It is painful to watch someone I love suffer by my own hand.

My reaction to this is sometimes to hide from what I've done, try to smooth it over or deflect the blame. Part of me is afraid that by taking accountability I will lose them. How could anyone remain committed to me if they see my dark side and I own it? Only through accountability and amends can I show that I am truly committed and willing to be completely vulnerable with another person. It affirms my best intentions and desires for the relationship and surrenders the need to control or focus on only myself.  When I do this I can have authentic connection and stay true to myself.