The Big 4

 I will feel everything while holding on to nothing

Healthy emotional expression is an ongoing struggle for me.  My tendency is to hold on to certain emotions by choosing not to express them.  Anger, sadness, fear, and loneliness are probably my big four. I define those emotions in negative terms and that is part of why I keep them to myself.

One of the ways I can change this is to start thinking about my emotions differently.  Anger can teach me what's important to myself, it can also be an expression of self-worth when my boundaries have been violated.  The tears of sadness can be cleansing and allow me to mourn loss and move on. If I allow myself to feel these emotions I can start to let them go.  If I hold on to them by not expressing them in healthy ways anger can morph into bitterness, and sadness may lead me into a feeling of despair or hopelessness.  Even an emotion I define in more positive terms like happiness can trap me in the past if I try to hold on to it and focus on what was, instead of what is.   

I have more work to do in this part of my journey.  For today I will be present through all my experiences, let my feelings flow through me, and then release them.

Crying in the dark

I can share my feelings with others

I have come to realize that my emotions have a heavy sway on my life.  I think that ever since I was a child I was keenly sensitive to the feelings of myself and others.  Emotions are what makes me human and gives richness to my life, but knowing what to do with them has not always been my strong suit. 

I learned a few things about my emotions growing up, not all of which have helped me cope with them competently.  I learned as a kid that I should only feel certain emotions, and no matter what I was feeling there are very strict rules about expressing them.  I learned to ignore certain emotions, hide others, and I even learned to shame myself if I felt a certain way.  I learned in school to ignore my feelings if they did not match what I thought.  I started to question the way I had often made decisions based on my "gut" and this further disconnected me from my emotions.  I did not learn until much later in life that I was exhibiting symptoms of chronic depression from a very early age and that not everyone feels emotion the same way I always had.  

Middle School was a rough time for me and I often endured bullying along with the normal awkwardness that comes for all kids that age.  My parents had a collection of records from the Time Life Classical Composers series.  Nothing spoke to the depths of my sorrow and struck the chords of sadness like Grieg could.  Sometimes after school I would go down into the basement, turn off the lights and listen to one song over and over in the dark.  I would lay on the floor and cry as the music and my emotions crashed over me in waves.  I was learning that certain emotions should be experienced alone, and kept to myself.  Some of these lessons have stuck with me and I am now working to unlearn them.  

Isolation and putting on masks to hide how I am feeling does not work for me anymore.  I can not live an authentic life or develop the type of deep and meaningful connections with others I want unless I am willing to share how I feel.  This does not mean I do it indiscriminately or without purpose, but with those I trust I must learn to share all of me and that includes the emotions I have always kept hidden.  Sharing them helps me gain perspective, receive support and guidance, bonds me with others and relieves me of the burden of carrying around unresolved emotions.  

I have had some of those feelings this week I had previously learned to hide.  I have been more withdrawn and it has affected many areas of my life.  I stopped writing here for a couple of days and isolated myself from others.  I am fortunate to have the encouraging support of friends and family whose reaching out during that time, unbeknownst to them, helped me find a way to express my feelings and come up from the basement of my childhood and find voice for my emotions. 

All in...no bluffs

I love playing poker.  I hope to get worse at it.

One of the keys of being a great poker player is the ability to hide all signs of emotion.  Being capable of acting the same way whether you are going all in on a bluff, or attempting to coax a call when you have the best hand, is the difference between a great player and someone that can only play the cards they are dealt.  The more carefully I can mask or completely hide my emotions the more successful I can be at the table.  Great for playing poker, awful for life.

Emotions do not want to be suppressed, ignored, buried, hidden, numbed, denied, judged, stuffed, avoided, smoothed-over, boxed-up, or compartmentalized.  Emotions are powerful and determined.  I believe that even if we try to get rid of them they will refuse to go away.  They scream to be acknowledged, understood, felt, and expressed. The only way past an emotion is to go through it. 

I get stuck when I am critical of my emotions. If I judge anger to be a bad emotion and then attempt to bury or ignore it I find that it festers. Often it will either grow into something more powerful like resentment, bitterness, or contempt; or it will find a way to come out sideways.  Suddenly I'm finding a reason to be critical of others or feeling sorry for myself.  I can not select which emotions I feel.  They are intertwined and rely on each other to exist.  Without pain and sorrow could I experience joy and gratitude?

I get too caught up in controlling my emotions.  Emotions are at the core of my humanity.  It is what makes me human and capable of indescribable beauty but also unspeakable evil. They can be powerful teachers.  When I get wrapped up in deciding which emotions are bad or good and what I should or shouldn't feel I mistreat my emotions.  Anger for example can teach me what is important to me and how to stand up for myself and others.  It helps me capture my voice and express myself.  It's easy to see why I might not be alone in judging emotions when all around me I see anger turning to rage.  When emotions are mismanaged it can leave a wake of devastation.

I will learn to acknowledge my feelings:  What emotions am I experiencing?

I will learn to understand them: How do they express themselves within me physically?  What was the triggering event?  What experiences from my past shape the way I think about emotions?

I will learn to feel them:  How do I try to avoid what I am feeling? In what ways do I numb, hide, deny, or stuff my feelings away?  What can I do to learn how to "lean into" my feelings instead of moving away from them?

I will learn to express them:  How should I express my emotions? Should I share my feelings with others? (I usually want to say NO when the answer is often yes.)



My feelings are central to who I am and to deny them is to deny myself.

I embrace my emotions.  I will acknowledge, understand, feel and express them.