Crying in the dark

I can share my feelings with others

I have come to realize that my emotions have a heavy sway on my life.  I think that ever since I was a child I was keenly sensitive to the feelings of myself and others.  Emotions are what makes me human and gives richness to my life, but knowing what to do with them has not always been my strong suit. 

I learned a few things about my emotions growing up, not all of which have helped me cope with them competently.  I learned as a kid that I should only feel certain emotions, and no matter what I was feeling there are very strict rules about expressing them.  I learned to ignore certain emotions, hide others, and I even learned to shame myself if I felt a certain way.  I learned in school to ignore my feelings if they did not match what I thought.  I started to question the way I had often made decisions based on my "gut" and this further disconnected me from my emotions.  I did not learn until much later in life that I was exhibiting symptoms of chronic depression from a very early age and that not everyone feels emotion the same way I always had.  

Middle School was a rough time for me and I often endured bullying along with the normal awkwardness that comes for all kids that age.  My parents had a collection of records from the Time Life Classical Composers series.  Nothing spoke to the depths of my sorrow and struck the chords of sadness like Grieg could.  Sometimes after school I would go down into the basement, turn off the lights and listen to one song over and over in the dark.  I would lay on the floor and cry as the music and my emotions crashed over me in waves.  I was learning that certain emotions should be experienced alone, and kept to myself.  Some of these lessons have stuck with me and I am now working to unlearn them.  

Isolation and putting on masks to hide how I am feeling does not work for me anymore.  I can not live an authentic life or develop the type of deep and meaningful connections with others I want unless I am willing to share how I feel.  This does not mean I do it indiscriminately or without purpose, but with those I trust I must learn to share all of me and that includes the emotions I have always kept hidden.  Sharing them helps me gain perspective, receive support and guidance, bonds me with others and relieves me of the burden of carrying around unresolved emotions.  

I have had some of those feelings this week I had previously learned to hide.  I have been more withdrawn and it has affected many areas of my life.  I stopped writing here for a couple of days and isolated myself from others.  I am fortunate to have the encouraging support of friends and family whose reaching out during that time, unbeknownst to them, helped me find a way to express my feelings and come up from the basement of my childhood and find voice for my emotions.