Show and Tell

I can express my experiences and share my gifts with others

This morning I am acutely aware of how inadequate I feel. I had an experience a few days ago with my oldest daughter that I knew immediately I wanted to write an affirmation about. For 3 days I have avoided it. A few times I have gone as far as opening up a new post and starting to write, but I deleted each of them before getting beyond a sentence or two. I have thought about the experience every day. Instead of that reflection and thought helping me to feel more clear and concrete about what I wanted to say, it encased me in stone.  

Today as I was meditating and trying to figure out what was keeping me stuck I can see other places where this theme has played out in my life. What keeps me frozen are feelings of fear, doubt and inadequacy. They cause me to isolate and avoid taking action. 

Some of the fear is around how others will respond. What will they think? Will they laugh at me? What if they just think I'm stupid or silly? That type of fear causes me to withdraw and avoid vulnerability. If I can not be seen I can not be hurt. Whatever I have to express gets buried in the cave with me. 

If I work past that fear I am often met with doubt. The internal critic reminds me that I am terrible at expressing things. You can't write. You don't know what you are talking about. Look at you hiding in the cave, do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? When that doubting critical voice comes from inside me no amount of positive reinforcement or compliments from the outside make a difference. If I choose to believe the voices it shrouds my thoughts in doubt and leads me back to fear. 

If I battle beyond fear and doubt I still have to deal with inadequacy. It comes when I believe that I am incapable of expressing what I think and feel. Words are often not enough. When I am gifted an experience that is so exquisite and meaningful that it resonates to the very core of my being, how can I possibly think I have the capacity to express it? Instead of trying I take the gift and bury it in the ground where I may eventually forget where it is. Lights placed on a hill shine out as a beacon to others, but put under a bushel they remain hidden and eventually suffocate and burn out.

I can see that the past few days, and at many other moments of my life, I have remained stuck and hidden behind fear, doubt, and inadequacy. Today I will express myself. My story matters and sharing it with others allows them to witness my journey and find light to walk their own path. 

Happy Blogiversary

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and change

This week last year I created Canffirmations. It was an important step in my journey of personal growth. My hope at the time was that making my affirmations public would help create accountability for myself in continuing to write them, give me an opportunity to practice vulnerability, and perhaps make a difference for others forging their own paths of change. 

I have enormous gratitude for each of you who have supported me in this process. Without the encouragement and feedback I have received the blog would not be what it is today. From amazing guest posts to privately sent messages I have been blessed by your willingness to share a part of your journey and to witness me traveling mine. It is so much nicer walking together! 

Growing Pains

I embrace the truth and pain necessary to grow

I am not sure what time it was last night when I awoke from a much needed deep sleep by the screams of my youngest daughter. It took some time to understand what she was saying but her pain was coming from her legs. She did not want any medicine but kept crying and saying how her legs hurt as she would grab at her knees. I think she was feeling intense growing pains. 

I stopped expanding laterally some time ago, but after last night I was able to recall some of the same pains I felt when I hit a growth spurt around the age of 15. I have learned that pain is a teacher, and I think that it is also a needed part of the growth process. 

I have heard it said that truth will set you free, and that the truth hurts. I think that when we encounter truth it is an opportunity for expansion and growth. The truth can at times be painful. I think of how when I am honest in the self reflection and examination of my life, that it reveals truths about myself that can be painful to face. There have been times I have compartmentalized my life so I did not have to look at some of those unbearable truths. As long as I keep them hidden they can not teach me and I am stunted in my growth. When I embrace truth internally and express it externally it is freeing. It does not come without pain, and that is when I have opportunity to grow. 

Herding Cats

I accept the circumstances of my life 

and focus on my process of growth

I wrote this week about going to dinner with my girls to memorialize the passing of Dessi-B. I did not write about how my youngest asked for chocolate milk and when her sisters got their lemonade she wanted lemonade, that one of them ordered spaghetti and more seemed to end up on me than in her mouth, that all 3 of them would talk at me simultaneously asking for something they needed immediately or the world could end, that the youngest screamed "I need to go potty" and then I spent the next 15 minutes running her back and forth to the bathroom multiple times because she claimed she needed to go potty again, or that they knocked roughly 49 forks and spoons onto the floor and needed to be told to stay in their seat approximately 872 times. 

Anyone with kids knows this can also play out in hauntingly similar ways when it is time to go to bed, to eat vegetables, or to clean up. I can feel the tension and frustration that I often get caught up in just thinking about it. I have often compared it to trying to herd cats. 

img source: http://dharmaconsulting.com/wp-content/uploads/herdingcats.jpg

Chaos comes in a variety of forms. The Holidays can feel frantic. I have a pile of grading to do before I can submit grades. Perhaps you can relate to feeling like life is a never-ending ebb and flow of uncontrollable circumstances. Where I find myself getting into difficulty is in my faulty thinking that somehow I can control those chaotic circumstances. 

I have a variety of faulty lines of thinking that come out when I futilely attempt to control the chaotic circumstances of life. Sometimes I try to be perfect and think that if I do everything just right nothing bad will happen. I might look for blame in myself or others. I imagine that if I can find who is at fault and why then I can pin the chaos on them. I sometimes withdraw and self-protect so that I will not have to feel vulnerable in anyway or let others near me. If I choose not to trust anyone they will not be able to hurt me. I close myself off from the world. None of those tactics or the others I have tried seem to work. I am beginning to understand I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. What I can choose is my reaction to those circumstances.

I am most at peace when I accept or let go of the things that I am unable to control. I most definitely know I can not control my girls :) When I let go of the need to control I can start focusing on changing the things I can control - myself. Today I will practice keeping my focus on my own process of growth and let go of my attempts to control circumstances.    

Desirae Blue

I can act as a witness and support for others in their time of need

Last night I said goodbye to "Dessi B."

Cracked frame

Candycane clutch lever!

RIP

After the accident my motorcycle was declared a total loss and non reparable. I went to the tow yard to turn over the key and retrieve a few pieces of personal property I still had on the bike before it goes to salvage. I had my 3 girls with me and as I walked away my 2nd daughter started to cry.

When I had first told her about the accident she wept uncontrollably for an hour. She said she did not want the bike to go to the trash yard and that she never got to say goodbye. She pleaded, "can't you just keep it here at the house and use it for other stuff so I can still see it." In the past she had occasionally referred to it as her bike, and several times we spent time together cleaning it.

Last night when she began crying again my first reaction was to console her and tell her it was okay, that I would have another bike, or that she should not be sad because the important thing was that I was not hurt in the accident. 

I am glad that I did not. 

In the few weeks since I first wrote about grief I have been fortunate to learn a few things. Everyone grieves differently, rushing through the stages of grief does not work, and grieving is an important process to experience. Instead of telling her everything was okay I told her it was okay to feel sad. I asked her about the sadness and we decided to all go out to eat as a memorial. We drew pictures of the bike with crayons and talked about our favorite memories. I gave her the blue reflector license plate bolt as a memento and we all helped pick a spot on the Christmas tree to hang the guardian bell I had been given that had been on the bike. 

It was hard for me to see her sadness but I am privileged that she shared it with me. I was grateful to have an opportunity to witness and support her grieving process and to sit with her in the pain she was feeling. I know the burden is lighter for me when supported by the hands of others and it is a gift when I have the opportunity to do the same for others. It is so much nicer walking this path together!

"Daddy my head hurts"

I attend to the needs of my whole self

My eldest daughter has recently been suffering from headaches. She has often come home from school complaining that her head hurts. I thought maybe she was not eating enough or drinking enough water. The complaints continued no matter what advice was given for her to try. A few days ago she spent most of the night awake with severe pain and every time I gave her medicine she would throw it back up.

It is a very frustrating and painful feeling for me when my children experience something hard that I feel helpless to fix. I had heard that using essential oils had helped some people with recurring headaches so the next morning I went to a neighbors house to borrow some. We talked for a bit and at one point she asked me if my daughter was a worrier. Suddenly everything started to click together.

I was looking at the situation as a very specific physical problem and had narrowed my frame of vision to only see certain things. I began to realize I was only tending to the symptoms of what was likely a much deeper need. I borrowed a blend of oil called "letting go" and went back home. She was propped up in bed on a mound of pillows looking perfectly miserable. She said the four words I had heard frequently, "Daddy my head hurts."

I sat down and started rubbing her feet using a little of the oil I had borrowed. I then started to talk to her about how she was feeling. I told her that I have had experiences where my emotions made it so my body felt bad because I was holding them in. I asked her about how she felt inside and what was going on in school lately. She started to talk and did not stop for 20 minutes. After about 5 minutes I could see something shift and when she had finished I asked her how her head was. She said she felt better and was ready to go do something fun. I let her know how proud I was of her for sharing how she was feeling inside and that I was happy that she could express it to me. We talked about some of the things I practice doing to express my emotions. She especially liked the idea of writing about them. Together we went to the store and bought her a journal and some stickers to decorate it. We talked about how she could use it to express what she was feeling and she asked me if drawing pictures was something she could do to express them. "What a fantastic idea!" I said. It was hard seeing her draw herself with tears of sadness but I was also overwhelmed with gratitude that I was able to be a witness and support for what she is going through.

My mind, body, and emotions are not separate systems. When I ignore any of them it is to my own detriment. If I ignore my emotions long enough by holding them in, denying, or numbing them; eventually they will find a way to force me to face them. I think of the many times I have gotten sick by not dealing with the stress in my life or the variety of nagging aches and pains that seemingly have no explanation. Today I will recognize my whole self and care for the variety of needs I have mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and in each of the other areas of my life.

Mission Statement

I am living my vision

I had the fortunate opportunity a few weeks ago to present at a leadership conference. I was excited about the theme of the conference which focused on the potential everyone has to be a leader. The only thing all leaders have in common is that they have followers. Leadership is not something that is possessed or appointed, it is what naturally happens when what you do and who you are is in alignment and inspires others. Although I had planned something else to present, I found the discussion moving towards what unique strengths each person has and asking questions about how they could utilize those strengths in pursuing their passions and helping others to find and develop their own. I began facilitating the process of having each of them develop a mission statement.

One of the first affirmations I ever wrote was about the importance of envisioning my future. Knowing what I want for myself gives purpose and meaning to what I do each day. It is impossible for me to achieve growth and reach my full potential if I do not know what that looks like. It has taken time for me to articulate that vision but I am beginning to see it take shape. I am certain that it will go through multiple iterations as I continue to grow and change, but I would like to share with you what it is today. 

My mission is to make this world a better, safer, and more loving place.

I will accomplish this by walking my own path of growth 

with courage and conviction.

I will create safe places for myself and others to learn and practice 

vulnerability, authenticity, and exploration.

With patience and compassion I will meet others where they are 

and invite them to courageously discover their own path.

I believe in possibilities, hope, and that the only failure is in giving up.

I acknowledge with gratitude all who have helped me along this journey and continue to lead and inspire me to pursue my passions and purpose in life. I invite you to envision what your mission statement is and to share them here if you choose.

Creating (Guest Post - Crystalee)

I am delighted to introduce Crystalee. She was one of the amazing graduate students I was honored to interact with for a conflict class this semester. She always brought a spirit of curiosity and positive energy to class. You can find more of Crystalee at http://delightedtowrite.com/

~*~*~

 I create my life experiences

Isn’t the power of words phenomenal? While I’ve been interested in the power of positive affirmations ever since I came across a Louise Hay book several years ago, 2013 has won me over completely. I’ve learned this year, through personal and professional experience, that the words I tell myself become my thoughts, and gradually form my beliefs. My beliefs dictate my experiences. Therefore, if I want to change my experiences, I must start with what I tell myself.

First, allow me a professional example. Earlier this year, I found myself feeling a “stuck” in my position at work.  I’d worked really hard and made some corporate-wide contributions in a global company. I hoped to have an opportunity to grow, stretch beyond my duties and attain a higher title. On my daily morning walks to work, I’d say aloud, “I am valued in my workplace, I am well-paid, and I am a manager.” At the time my title was still “Specialist,” but I wanted to really believe I could be recognized as a higher title. I would get discouraged at times, but kept saying my affirmations. Over and over, I pictured myself with a new job title and a raise. Within months, a new opportunity came along. I applied. I was selected, and promoted to a manager position. And you know what? The first time I was eligible to attend the corporate-wide manager meeting for 250+ people, I was asked to present my latest project to all the other managers!

During this same timeframe, I’d been quite heartbroken on the home front. I learned the precious fragility of life, having experienced an early miscarriage. I ached. I grieved. I wondered if it was my fault. Without being able to change the past, I decided to prepare for the next time I’d have the opportunity. I started telling myself, “My body, mind, and spirit are ready to welcome a child.” Whenever I felt very sad, I’d say my affirmation aloud, hoping it was really true. 

That was a couple seasons ago. As I write these words, I'm now 28 weeks pregnant. Every day now I say, "My baby grows healthy, happy, and strong to full term." And she does! What delight my husband and I had when we went to the doctor a few weeks ago and looking at the ultrasound he said, "She's looking healthy and happy," confirming my affirmation. I've completed a Hypnobirthing class, learning to release fear. Every night as I listen to a series of birthing affirmations, my confidence in myself, my body, and my baby grows. It's empowering to replace former fears of birth with joy and excitement - all by the power of affirmations. She will be welcomed into this world peacefully.

My daughter will have a whole world of potential open to her. You and I do too, and the affirmations can help us be the people we hope to be. Here's a quote on being the creator in your own life:

"You have two creators - God and yourself. God furnished you the raw material of your life and the laws which can help you make your life whatever you want it to be. You are your second creator! It is what you make of yourself that really counts. You are great because of what you may become. And, you have wonderful powers you don't yet understand. You were placed on this earth, not as finality but as possibility. Your greatest enemy is yourself. In your weakness you are a creature of circumstances; in your strength you are the creator of circumstances. Whether you are a victim or a victor depends largely on you and how you exercise the power of self-control." 

 - David Star Jordon (a former president of Stanford University), "The Kingship of Self Control"

Indeed, I'm the victor in my own life. I create my life experiences. And as my baby grows, I will teach her to do the same. 

 

Crystalee Beck celebrates words at delightedtowrite.com.

I'm okay

I am in process

I experienced my first official accident yesterday. I have had a few run-ins with animals in the past including a couple of dear running into my car, hitting a raccoon, and a very unfortunate incident with a chicken, but I had never collided with another vehicle. Yesterday I was riding up towards the mountain from campus when a car in the oncoming lane turned left in front of me. I always drive my motorcycle under the assumption that I am invisible and everyone is trying to hit me, but the timing of the turn left me no alternatives for escape. I struck the front fender of the car and flew off my bike. 

When I sat up from where I landed in the road I did a quick body scan to see if I was alright. I probably flew 10 or 20 feet and although I could tell I was experiencing an adrenaline dump unlike anything I had experienced before nothing seemed to be broken or bleeding. I think my leg caught the car or my handlebars as I flew off and there is a bruise on my thigh but I think I did a barrel roll across my shoulder as I landed and I am otherwise unscathed. I was wearing a helmet and full leathers but I could not see any scratches or damage to those either. After I got my bike off the road and sat down I then assessed the damage to the bike. I think that given the situation the damage to the bike was as minimal as possible, but it is highly likely that the bike is totaled. 

Unquestionably my good health is the most important outcome to what occurred. (I think I either have the reflexes and agility of a jungle cat as I flew through the air or perhaps a few attending angels helped me down gently) Along with that gratitude for being okay, I also have to recognize that I am already experiencing the mourning process with what happened. I have learned a variety of lessons through that bike over the past year, many of which I have written about here: moving forward, crisis, don't stop the journey, breakdown , breaktime, I like to go fast, fog lights, and heads up.  Those  lessons will stay with me, but I would be untrue to myself if I did not recognize how sad the potential loss makes me. 

Through all of the paperwork, police reports, tow trucks and discussions of what happened last night I have felt relatively calm and grateful to be physically whole. Emotionally it has been messy. I have felt some fear, frustration, gratitude, compassion, and I can also pick out some specific pieces of the grieving process such as moments of depression, anger, denial and bargaining. I can sense at times that I am at trying to rush myself towards acceptance. I want to see the lessons and opportunities that this experience is going to provide without having to go through all of the pain associated with it. It is not something I can rush, dodge, or ignore. 

I am in process. In my grieving, my growth, my pain, my successes and struggles. Surrendering to that process and accepting it is where I can find serenity and peace among all of the messiness. I am okay just where I am. 

Moving forward

I am growing and moving forward

The place where I work is nestled in the beautiful foothills just below a breathtaking stretch of the Rocky Mountains.

On the road I ride to school there is a stoplight on a steep incline. When I first started riding it made me a little nervous when I would run into a red light. To avoid rolling backward I would have to keep the brake on firmly. When the light turned green I would have to accelerate while simultaneously letting off the brake and slowly releasing the clutch. If I did not give it enough gas I would run the risk of stalling, too much and it posed a different set of problems. 

I have found that the process of change feels very much like trying to ride up that hill. If I stop, the natural tendency is to roll backwards and starting back up again can be a little tricky. I know some of the old patterns that are behind me in the rear-view mirror and I am not interested in rolling back to visit those places again. If I am not moving forward I am almost assuredly stuck or at risk of sliding backward. I choose to continue moving forward in my process of growth and change. I fuel that movement through self care, nurturing my authentic self, daily practices that foster my change processes and by looking towards where I want to be. 

Staying awake

I find meaning and gain wisdom 

from the difficult experiences of my life

I have heard a catchy song on the radio lately by Avicii called Wake me Up. The chorus is what sticks out to me the most, "wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself and I didn't know I was lost."

How nice would that be? More than once during an uncomfortable experience in my life I have wished I could just check out emotionally. My instinct has been to dodge pain and impatiently wait for it to pass. I think, "just let me go to sleep and when I wake up hopefully this will all be behind me."

When I was in middle school I remember learning about osmosis. I would joke that I was going to sleep with my books under my pillow so I could just learn by osmosis as I slept. It is no more likely that I can avoid the difficult experiences of my life and expect to be wiser just because time has passed, than it is to expect myself to understand calculus if I put my head down on the textbook and fall asleep. 

Whatever wisdom I have is earned. The lessons that can come from difficult experiences are often hard to see in the moment, but if I am unwilling to let myself fully experience what is happening I am likely to miss them completely. Wisdom comes from the hard work of facing my challenges and learning from them. Pain and discomfort can teach me, but if I try to avoid them the lesson is lost. Today I will be fully present in all of my experiences so that I may glean meaning and wisdom from them. 

Taking down walls

I choose vulnerability and connection

The great paradox of all relationships is between the need for connection and the desire for self-protection. There have been moments when I have tried to have them both, but I have come to accept it is impossible. 

The walls I put up to keep myself safe from the harm others can cause, are the same that also keep me trapped and isolated.  That isolation turns to depression and loneliness. I might try to convince myself that if I trust no one I will never be hurt. No matter how much I may try to deny it, I am hard-wired for connection. Relationships bring purpose and meaning to my life and are important in my process of growth.

It takes vulnerability to connect. To let myself be known completely (even the shadowy and broken parts.) It causes me anxiety and fear. I fear that I will be rejected, that I am not good enough, and that I may not be worthy of being loved. Can I trust someone else to meet my needs? 

The paradox is inescapable, but I get to choose. I choose to face the fears with courage. I choose vulnerability in the hope of creating the healthy connections I need in my life.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv-AK5hGrnZAEIAtY4hN6isPQcO8v6WdjyICMyaWKTIuhET89WxqZ4UOLOY9vEGc9q6KkeuVnZjt3YsNoCLsaRDvtL6PY0q1Z3OnU6I5ZRYMksF3OZBlPY2KK90hvY_7SefzT87E23wLJo/s1600/2010-06+Staff+Retreat19.jpg

1.2 miles of crisis

I am practicing daily crisis prevention

Grand Tetons - July, 2013 canffirmations.blogspot.com

I ride a Yamaha Warrior 1700 and it is 600lbs of pure bliss.

Even though I have a tendency to ride it like I stole it, the gas mileage is efficient and still well beyond that of my 4 wheeled vehicle. I use it as my primary mode of transportation and although the mpg is excellent the tank only holds 3.5 gallons. I do not have a gas gauge so when the low fuel indicator light turns on I know it only has roughly 1/2 gallon left. 

I was heading to a meeting and was running a bit behind when I noticed my fuel light turn on. I did not have time to stop so I rode on. After the meeting was done I got back on the bike and I did not feel like stopping immediately for gas so I got on the freeway and headed for home. I was in a hurry so I skipped the first two exits with gas stations because I knew the next one was just a few miles away and had a station right off the freeway.

I didn't make it...

Just after I passed the sign indicating it was 3/4 of a mile to the exit my engine cut out. It wasn't a sputter or a gentle reminder I was about to run out, it was empty. The bike quickly coasted to a stop as I pulled into the emergency lane. I had no more rationalizations or denial left that had been spinning in my head that I wouldn't run out of gas. I considered briefly calling someone but I knew it would take at least 30mins for them to reach me and frankly I was too embarrassed to do it. 

I put the bike in neutral and started to push. I figured it couldn't be more than a half mile to the gas station and I could use the exercise? Those 600 lbs. of bliss were much more difficult to move uphill, manually, with a helmet, and in full riding leathers. I eventually made it with the assistance of a couple of cars who put hazards on and bracketed me as I rolled it through a few intersections after the freeway off-ramp. I finally arrived at the gas station exhausted, covered in sweat, out of breath, bruised and a little bloody from scraping my legs against the foot-pegs. When I went back the next day and measured the distance it was 1.2 miles.

I have a really good idea now of how far I can go once the fuel light goes on but it took a crisis to learn where that limit was. I recognize that some of the crises I experience in my life are preventable. When I ignore my own basic self care, procrastinate little things that start to pile up, or neglect emotional expression, I suddenly find myself in a variety of mini-crises that steal my time, energy, and focus.

Instead of letting things go until I am forced to deal with the situation, I will practice daily the things needed to prevent letting my life slip into crisis mode.

Transforming grief

I give myself permission to grieve

I recently spent 8 weeks teaching a class about conflict resolution and mediation. It was without question one of the most rewarding classroom experiences I have ever had. I invested myself heavily in the class. It was the first time the course was being taught so I was fortunate to be able to create it from the ground up. It allowed me to take risks and push myself to imagine what could be possible in a classroom. I am passionate about the topic and the power it has to transform individuals and relationships. Each week I practiced the vulnerability and depth of exploration I asked of the students. I poured myself into the teaching and I watched with awe as they willingly stretched themselves. They took ownership of their own learning processes and wrestled with difficult and uncomfortable ideas. The growth I witnessed was inspiring. Some of what I challenged myself to do each week was terrifying, but it was authentic and true to who I am. 

As the class drew to a close I started to notice myself feeling sullen and withdrawn. I had a difficult time evaluating their final papers. I did not seem to be able to muster the energy I needed to give them the type of engaged feedback I had committed to. I began to realize I was grieving. 

Everyone experiences loss. For me those losses trigger fear. I was afraid that I would never have an opportunity to teach like that again, afraid of losing the connection we had all created, and afraid that I would not be able to maintain the changes I had personally made during that time. 

It is normal to grieve, and necessary. Allowing myself to experience it allows me to continue moving forward rather than being trapped in the past. The difficulty I was having is that I do not recall a time in my life that I have allowed myself to do that. Grieving can bring feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, helplessness. In the past I have denied my grief, sheltered myself from those hard feelings and compartmentalized the seemingly overwhelming emotions that would come. Giving myself permission to grieve honors the experience and has the power to eventually bring me to a place of acceptance. 

As I am practicing letting myself experience the grief process I have noticed a shift in both my perspective and emotions. I am grateful and gratified for what I was privileged to witness and experience.

What does embracing the grief process transform for you?

9/11

 My emotions are valuable and I attend to them

Twelve years ago I had the opportunity to teach my first class. 13 students and I met 3 times per week in a small office building located off campus. The class started at 7am and I relied on an office administrative assistant to unlock the building each morning. Just a few weeks into class I arrived one morning to find the doors still locked. My anxiety began to rise as students showed up and I still had no classroom for us to meet in. 7 o'clock came and went with no sign of help. I had what I deemed important information to share and I couldn't bring myself to even consider cancelling class. The temperature was crisp and without anywhere to sit the parking lot seemed to be no place to hold a college class. 

One of the students mentioned they worked at a local grocery store so I made the executive decision to move class to the deli/bakery section of the grocery store roughly a mile up the street. Everyone piled into their vehicles and we reconvened in a small cluster of red and white plastic tables with swivel chairs attached to them. I was more than a little bit distracted by the smell of fresh donuts, the droning of Musak on the speakers overhead and the quizzical looks of grocery shopper passers-by. I dutifully trudged forward doing my best to facilitate an interesting discussion among the midst of constant distractions. I worried that what little credibility I might have with them was quickly diminishing. In addition to all of the constant distractions for the students I had the additional issue of having a wall mounted television on in the corner of the room facing me. A few minutes later I looked up to see a plane smash into the second tower of the World Trade Center. 

That moment is frozen in my mind along with a set of powerful emotions, some are personal to me and others are even shared collectively among many other people who experienced the tragedies and trauma of that day. Although I clearly remember that moment the rest of the details of that day are blurry.  As I tried to prepare for when class would meet again I knew that this was an experience that could not be ignored. Instead of what I had originally planned to cover on the syllabus we began class by talking about emotion and telling our stories of the impact of what was happening for each of them. It was a milestone in my development as a teacher but until today I had not thought about what that might also have taught me about the importance of attending to emotions.  

Emotions are a defining characteristic of the human experience. Even when they do not reach the level produced by trauma they are crucial to be recognized and addressed. Ignoring what I feel, or what I think and do based on those feelings is not an option for me if I want to live a healthy life. At times I have tried to bury many of the strong emotions I have felt and they inevitably rise up from the ground like the walking dead, or come out sideways in unexpected and uncontrollable ways. No matter what I have wrongly learned about what emotions I should or should not express, which are acceptable to feel, or what I should think about myself based on what emotions I experience, I can no more ignore them than I can pretend that I didn't see that plane full of people explode as it flew into that building 12 years ago. I am learning how I feel emotion, how to express it in healthy ways, and how it can help me grow if I listen carefully to what it has to teach me. As I learn and practice those skills I will remember that my emotions are valuable and that I am committed to attending to them.

FIREworks

I respect my boundaries and practice daily gratitude

For some obvious reasons when I think about July, fireworks is one of the first things that come to mind. I would guess that it is something that many people enjoy watching and being a part of. However, it would be safe to say that I have an above average affinity towards thunderous sounds and showers of colored sparks in all their variant forms.

When I was 12 years old I had a paper-route. Coming from a small community it was one of the very few opportunities a boy my age could use to make money. It was certainly not easy money however as the town I lived in had a population of about 800 people and my house was nearly 2 miles outside of the city limits. I would estimate that the ride was in the vicinity of 8 miles each day to finish my route. It was a lot of work for very little pay so what I spent my money on was always a good indicator of my priorities at the time. For some time prior to and during the fireworks season I saved and spent every last cent on fireworks.

Several days before the 4th of July I began to choreograph my fireworks extravaganza show. I wanted to start with some of the smaller fireworks that spin (ground flowers are a favorite). I spent the better part of one afternoon constructing a tall launching pad constructed from logs to showcase a spinning pinwheel firework I had purchased. I had smoke bombs, sparklers, some colored fountains interspersed with whistling fountains, and all of it was to lead up to a grand finale of multiple large fountains being lit off simultaneously as the 1812 overture played in the background. In my head it was going to be spectacular!

On the morning of the 4th I decided I needed just a few more things to complete the perfect show so I took my bicycle and road the 2 miles into town. The only business was a gas station/convenience store where you could buy penny candy, soda, or a year-old box of pop-tarts.

I carefully picked out a small assortment of fireworks and spent what little money I had left. I walked outside and rounded the corner of the building where I had parked my bike and for a moment I just breathed in the excitement and grandeur of the day. I was not allowed to lite off any fireworks prior to the Holiday, I knew what that meant but the thought occurred to me that technically it was the 4th of July and I didn't have to necessarily wait until that evening to start enjoying one of my favorite things. I decided that it would be a great idea to enjoy just one or two ground flowers. Even during the daylight I reasoned that the spinning and bright colors would certainly be at least in part as enjoyable as seeing them in the dark. Getting 60% of the maximum enjoyment in that moment still sounded pretty good to me.

I took a spinning ground flower out of my plastic bag full of joy, held it in one hand, lit it with the other, and tossed it onto the cement. It bounced a few times and then began to roll in a direction and at a speed that I had not intended. As it passed by the gas pumps it continued to bounce and then landed in the crack between the asphalt and the lid that is used to cover the underground gasoline tanks. 

I felt the type of sheer and complete panic that led me to freeze and behave in less than logical ways. When it ignited instead of spinning away it stayed firmly lodged where it had landed. I ran to where the firework was and to my dismay saw small flames flickering out from beneath the edges of the metal lid.  I could not even imagine the trouble I was going to be in if I was found out. My fear motivated me to act in self-preservation instead of taking into account the imminent danger of the situation. As calmly as I could I walked back into the store and politely asked for a glass of water. I rushed back outside and tossed it on the flames. As you might expect it did nothing to improve the situation. As I returned for another cup someone rushed out of the gas station with a fire extinguisher and doused the flames. I jumped on my bike and road towards home as if the cops were chasing me, and I was almost certain that if they weren't already, they would be in a matter of moments. As the adrenaline slowly worked its' way through my tiny limbs that were gripping my handlebars tightly and pumping vigorously on plastic pedals my mind raced through the events. Suddenly I realized that in my panic I had left behind my small plastic bag with the remaining fireworks. I spun my bike around and returned to the scene of the crime. 

They were gone. Crap. Would they know it was me? What about all the lost fun? Those are my fireworks, how dare they take them! Instead of cutting my losses and feeling gratitude for what I had just escaped I rationalized that I was the victim here having had my hard earned money taken from me. I brazenly walked back into the store and casually asked if anyone had turned in a bag of fireworks that I had accidentally dropped. I was taken aback when the clerk yelled at me that the owner had them and wasn't going to give them back until I went and talked to him. I was told he was at the softball game and I better go up there right away. 

I left quickly and pondered if I should go talk to him. I was pretty sure they knew I was the culprit and that I was in trouble, but how could they take my fireworks? It certainly didn't seem fair to me. I pedaled slowly to the park with emotions swinging from fear to indignation. I stopped and sat on my bike in the trees just beyond the outfield and fumed. I sulked and shed some tears and eventually turned around and slowly pedaled home.

I would keep that secret until I was 28. The experience at that age was scary, shameful, and embarrassing. Reflecting on it now I can see several lessons that I failed to learn at that young age. The two that stick out to me today is how ignoring the boundaries in place for my safety put me in harms way, and that a lack of feeling gratitude led me to behave with entitlement.

Certainly at the age of 12 I often saw boundaries or rules as constricting and oppressive. It seemed they were there to suck all of the fun out of life. I think I sometimes hold on to that view even now. A good boundary however is not designed to trap me but to keep me safe from harm, and free from some of the potentially painful consequences of acting without restriction. It creates the borders wherein I can freely experience and make mistakes. Now that I am in a position to establish some of my own boundaries it is helpful for me to see that they are necessary and useful. Too many and it is suffocating and perhaps a futile attempt to control all of life's outcomes, but without any I can feel chaotic and unbalanced. Setting clear boundaries in my life with relationships, self-care, work, and how I spend my time are just as important as the boundaries I set for my children about not playing in the road or eating foods other than jellybeans and licorice. 

When I did break those rules of where and when I should be playing with fireworks I found myself in very real danger. At the time I did not realize how severe that danger was, but by some intervention of providence, grace or dumb luck I was able to avoid disaster. Instead of recognizing that or the many things in my life I have reason to be grateful for my mind turned immediately to the losses. Gratitude seems to cultivate joy and increases my ability to be fully present in the moment. Focusing on my losses develops feelings of entitlement and bitterness. Believing that the world owes me whatever I may desire at any given moment will inevitably leave me disappointed and angry. Over time the bitterness that can take root from that will choke out joy and leave me focused in the past or hopeless about the future.

Today I will practice gratitude and see how healthy boundaries in my life create safety and facilitate my development along my chosen path. What does gratitude cultivate for you? What impact do boundaries have on your life?   

Freedom

I am free

I am free
Free to be me
Free to seek happiness
Free to change how I see
Free to choose a path
Free to live wholeheartedly unfettered by the past
Free to reject fear and shame
Free to fight bravely through struggles and pain
Free to let my soul fly to heights yet unknown
Free no matter how far I've wandered, to steer a path back home

Happy Independence day, live life free

Internal Sunscreen

I practice daily the things that keep me focused on my path

This week I took my girls to the outdoor swimming complex. I packed snacks, water, toys, and everything I imagined that we would need for the day. Before we left I put sunscreen on the 2 youngest girls and let the oldest handle it on her own. When we arrived I found a shady spot to act as a home base and left our cooler, towels and bags and then we all hopped in the pool. Every few hours the pool has a policy where they require everyone to get out of the pool. They offer the sage advice of reapplying sunscreen, changing swim diapers, and going to the bathroom during the down time as they do safety checks.

After 6 hours at the pool it was finally time to leave and even though we had reapplied sunscreen twice more during the day all but my youngest left with a burn. I spent most of last night awake amidst complaints of "it hurts." We have had to spend the last 2 days indoors to avoid any extra exposure to the sun and using copious amounts of Aloe Vera to soothe our tender backs and shoulders.

Just as I can easily burn from lack of protection in the sun, I can just as easily get burnt when I do not take adequate steps to protect myself from the things that have the potential to hurt me in other ways. Shame, doubt, fear, and complacency are just a few of the things that frequently burn me. I have realized that it is not enough for me to do this haphazardly, but that it needs to be a conscious daily effort. Here are a few of the things I find are invaluable to me as daily practices.

Gratitude - I find it easy to get wrapped up and lost in many of the small inconveniences of my day. When I choose to act in an attitude of gratitude I find my perspective changes. 

Spiritual Connection - This can look a variety of ways for me: meditation, prayer, solitude, a hike, a question to ponder, reading, or searching for meaning in my experiences. My key is finding a connection to something bigger than myself.

Reflection - Taking time to think about or remind myself of what I want, who I am, and what matters to me keeps me focused on the path I want to travel. This has been most useful to me when I have done it in writing, but even taking a few moments to think twice about something is sometimes enough. 

Presence - Living in the past or future leaves me wide open to all of the anxieties and worry that comes with things that I can not control. Breathing, centering myself, and practicing being fully present in the moment keeps me focused on the only thing I have an influence on, the now. 

This list works for me and is certainly not exhaustive, but it is what I need to practice daily in order to stay focused on the path I have chosen for myself. 

What keeps you protected and focused each day?

Own Your Awesomeness!

Yesterday I got an email from a good friend offering support and encouragement when she saw that I was writing again. She also said that she hoped that during the time off I had taken she hoped I had spent some time focusing on things that I do well.... I do not always like when it happens, but I always know when something occurs that I am going to need to write about it. If I try and ignore those moments they dog me until I follow though. I have thought about it most of the day and even though it has made me horribly uncomfortable I am going to do my best to meet the challenge. 

As I have been considering the idea of writing about and affirming my strengths it is somewhat distressing to me that it was at least as difficult, if not more so, than in being transparent about the areas where I struggle. It makes sense that if I am trying to write regular affirmations for my growth process that I would take time to also affirm my strengths, but I think several things make me resistant to the idea. 

The first wall that I encountered was the feeling that talking about my strengths would come across as boastful or bragging. Although I have no trouble pointing out to other people their strengths, if I acknowledge my talents it makes me think that I might be judged by others as prideful or arrogant. The gremlins whisper, "who do you think you are?" Perhaps the key for me to counter this particular impediment is to remember that when I identify my strengths I do not do it to compare myself to others, but rather I am making a fair assessment of what talents I have to manage the circumstances and challenges I will encounter along my path. I believe that being aware of both my strengths and weaknesses makes me better prepared to deal with whatever I may face. 

My second obstacle was identifying what my strengths actually are. I realized that I place far more emphasis and thought on my areas of weakness. It is easy for me to point out my flaws and shortcomings, but I could only come up with a couple of things that I could identify as talents. I recognize that I am not living in balance and judging myself fairly if I can quickly write volumes about what my faults are, but it takes me most of the day to come up with a few strengths. It felt embarrassing when I had to ask a few of my siblings to help me identify what they are. 

Looking at why this proved to be a struggle for me has highlighted the importance of pushing through and doing this anyway. If I want to make positive growth and changes that will help me reach my full potential, it necessitates my ability to recognize and use what talents I have to help me towards that goal. I think that it also allows me to see how I can be of service to others. I have benefited and relied upon the strengths of others in times of need and if I am clear about what my strengths are I can likewise reach out and be there for those in need of what I can offer. The following affirmations are my attempt to practice this. I would encourage you to consider your own talents. What are your personal strengths and talents? How might you affirm them and then make use of them for the benefit of yourself and others?

My teaching process provides safety for others to learn and instills confidence in their ability to succeed

I love to teach! Whether it is in the classroom, on a rock face, ski hill, or having a conversation with my girls I love the teaching and learning process. My sister pointed out that what she appreciates most from me is that she always feels more confident and capable of succeeding. That confidence helps her feel safe enough to make mistakes and try things that make her uncomfortable. This affirmation reminds me of the passion and love I have for what I do, and shows me how I can also use that to make improvements in the way I teach. 

I listen with empathy and seek to understand others

Although interacting with others sometimes brings me anxiety it seems that it is fairly comfortable for others to connect with me. I think that my greatest strength as a friend is that I am willing to listen and that my intentions are to understand and support them in whatever they are experiencing. This affirmation reminds me of several areas where I can improve, but that my willingness to listen has been  vital for me in building and maintaining the important relationships in my life. 

I am a loving father

Although I know I frequently fall short in this area I can also affirm that I continue to show up as a father. I love my girls and I believe they can feel that from me everyday. I want to be better, but I know that what I am giving is also enough. I will never give up trying to love and teach them as best I can, even when my impatience, mishandled emotions, lack of sensitivity, or selfishness frequently tries to get in the way. 

I have been able to identify a few other strengths but I think for the purposes of this post, and the increasing level of my discomfort this should suffice! Own your awesomeness!

Burning Phoenix

Hi, after nearly a month of silence from me a greeting seems in order. Fortunately the silence has not extended both directions and I have had several friends and family members recognize my absence and reach out. A few days ago I had a former student approach me who had noticed there had been a significant draught since my last post and he wondered how I was doing. Initially I was embarrassed to have him ask me that question at all. Although I recognize in theory that everyone struggles, it can be tough to have my difficulties reflected back to me even through the concern of others.

My tendency in times of struggle is to isolate until I get things figured out. Even as we talked I felt the urge to hide behind "everything is fine." I think he could see beyond that facade and I am grateful that he did not let me off the hook so easily. As our conversation continued several things he said resonated with me and gave me pause. In particular I have been thinking a lot about the mythical story of the phoenix. 

In Greek Mythology the Phoenix was a magnificent bird that lived for hundreds of years. At the end of it's long life cycle it would build a nest of twigs which would ignite and consume both the nest and bird in flames. From the ashes left behind a new phoenix would arise and begin the cycle anew. 

The process of growth and change is a difficult and often painful one. Although it may not always happen at the speed of a blazing fire, I think it does require a type of death to the old self in order to change and begin anew. Although I certainly do not have this process figured out, I think that permanent change requires more than shuffling the deck and trying to modify a few behaviors. It requires wholesale changes that fundamentally alters me in a way that is akin to dieing and rising again from the ashes. Since that conversation I have identified a few things that I would like to set fire to in order to begin a new phase in my journeys. 

The first twig I am placing on the funeral pier is the illusion of needing to be perfect. Irrational ideals of how I want my relationships to be like, what kind of writing I do here, or the type of father I should be are just a few examples of the way I am constantly creating unrealistic expectations for myself. They leave me feeling like what I do is never enough. Perfectionism does not motivate me to be my best, instead it usually paralyzes me with such doubt and shame that I would rather not try at all rather than fail to reach those lofty ideals. As I set that part of me ablaze, what I want to rise from the ashes is the affirmation that I am enough.

The next twig that needs to be added is a tendency to believe that if I break something it can't be fixed. I spent much of my life avoiding even the appearance of conflict in my relationships because I believed that once I made a mistake, or they saw me for what I really am, nothing could ever be the same. Conflict always seemed like that beginning of the end so I thought if I could avoid it and pretend it wasn't there things might be okay. I am beginning to accept that everything and everyone breaks at some point. What those broken places look like and how we respond is different, but if I try to avoid the inevitable when the day comes to face the brokenness I will be unprepared to change. As I leave that old belief behind I can affirm that from the broken places I can grow strong.

There are several other things I want to torch and leave behind me but the last thing I want to write about today is the idea that my past actions determine who I am. One of the least effective things I can do when I am trying to make changes is to live in the past. As I have been walking this path of growth and change a common thing that has gotten me stuck is to spend my energy living in the past or obsessing over the future. Typically when I look back it is not as a healthy moment of reflection to gain perspective and focus, usually I look back and relive it. I bring back the pain, the negative emotions, the disappointment. I think about what might have been different if only I had... I start to go beyond thinking that my past impacts the present, but I stretch it into a fear that it also determines my future. This leaves me in a pendulum of emotion swinging between depression over the past and anxiety about the future. I am beginning to recognize how living anywhere but in the present moment is futile. The only place I can find myself is right now. I have no control over anything other than this very moment. I will live authentically through being fully present in the moment. 

I am hopeful that I can approach my life as something that is full of opportunities for change. I believe it is possible to begin anew if I am willing to set fire to old ways of thinking and being. It is a cycle of death and rebirth that I hope I can experience multiple times on my journey.

The Burrito Break-Up (Guest Post - Joy)

I am honored to welcome another of my wonderful siblings as a guest blogger. Joy is my youngest sister and most frequent hiking companion. I am grateful for her support and love her dearly. I always know that if I go even a few days without posting I will hear from her to see how I'm doing.

~*~*~ 

I am silencing the negative critic within

I struggle with feelings of low self worth. I tend to work myself up when it comes to dealing with how I feel others see me. In my mind I see the pieces of my personality that are unfavorable or physical features that are not as attractive, and I focus my energy on the bad and convince myself that others see all my perceived flaws as well. 

Any of you that know me well, know my relationship with my boyfriend has been back and forth enough to cause whiplash. Our first break-up was over a burrito. That day I had been helping a friend move, which was disorganized and exhausting. I was far beyond the point of hungry, and I decided to stop for food. I invited my boyfriend to meet us for lunch. I picked up some tacos for my friend, a burrito for my boyfriend, and a vegetarian option for myself. The poor excuse for a burrito I received was disappointing to say the least. Cheese inside a tortilla, does not a burrito make! It was disgusting, but I was so hungry that I decided to use the only form of flavoring available to me (lime slices) and eat it anyway. I proceeded to drown my sorry burrito with lime juice. My boyfriend looks up from his hearty carne asada burrito and gave me this look. I was so frustrated and tired that I interpreted his look as utter disgust with me. I jumped up, freaked out, told him it was over and walked away. In my mind I convinced myself that he didn't like me, found me unattractive and gross etc....all because of the way he looked at me. 

Even when I'm struggling with feelings of low self-esteem and worthlessness it is not the way that others actually view me. I am my worst critic and will miss out on relationships and opportunities if I continue to push others away. I am good enough. 

Joy C.

June 10, 2013

To Do (Guest Post Ruth)

I am grateful to have another guest post by my sister Ruthie. Her contributions here and the support she has selflessly offered me is invaluable. 

~*~*~

I am working on the framework to strengthen my family

I was at my sister's house a couple of days ago and noticed her To Do list on the kitchen table. Less than a week earlier, I was at another sister's house and saw her To Do list as well. It's been a while since I made my own list of things to do, and I've forgotten how much it helps to write down the things I want to accomplish each day.  Without a list I'm still likely to be as busy as I would be with a list, but the difference is the satisfaction and peace of mind I enjoy when I check off the things that need to be addressed the most. I'm not sure why I do it, but I find that I push aside and procrastinate doing the things that should be a higher priority.

I have always considered myself to be a fairly organized person, but when my boys entered the picture, I noticed that I started losing my edge. We don't have a very strict lifestyle as far as regular mealtimes or normal daily routines. I always figured that stuff wasn't as terribly important as a reliable bedtime. I realize now that it is. I had one of my boys screened for ADHD, and he does appear to have the disorder. The doctor recommended that I do the very things I've not been doing...structure our days and give him a stable routine with consistent discipline. 

I am intimidated with the task of creating a standard routine, and I'm still resisting and struggling with the idea. Just when school is ending for the boys' cousins and friends, and summer is approaching with so many fun activities in store for them, I'm faced with the task of tightening the reins instead of loosening up. 

I have to keep in mind that structure isn't a bad thing and that it will help my son and in return help me and my sanity. Just as a building relies on its foundation and framework, I realize that we need the same kind of stability. It may take me some time to find what works for us, but a daily To Do list will help me get there and keep me focused on the things that are the most important right now. We can still enjoy the summer and all the fun it holds, but the trick will be to discover how to balance that fun with the structure we need to create.

Ruth L.
www.snuglyfriends.com