Trikonasana part 2

I am letting go of expectations

After focusing yesterday on fully committing I decided to go back to do another yoga session today. I felt more motivated and positive heading into the practice because I was committed to give my full effort. However, before the 90 minutes had even begun I started to think ahead. I worried about how my body would respond, if I would be able to hold the poses throughout, or if I would get dizzy again and have to take a break. After writing about fully committing and how much I dread triangle pose I had better do it this time!

Instead of being present in the moment I was building a mountain of expectations for me to climb. When I create a set of expectations I undermine my ability to be in the now and I set myself up for disappointment. Expectations create an arbitrary measuring stick that can determine wether I feel happy and successful, or disappointed and failure. This does not mean that I should give up trying to do my best, but rather that I surrender the need to control the outcomes. For example, if I set an expectation in my yoga practice that I should be able to go deeper into each pose than last time I might ignore where my body is and push it into strain or injury. Expectations ignore where I am at, and tell me only where I should be. Even when I have fully committed and given my very best, an unmet expectation tells me that I am not enough. 

When I am fully committed to a task and willing to give my full effort I can be okay with whatever the outcome is. Dropping expectations stops me from shoulding all over myself and others. It helps me to focus more on the process instead of the product.  Today I will let go of expectations and realize that my best effort is always enough. 

Trikonasana

I am fully committed

My post yesterday on regret has given me a lot to think about and work on. In particular I have lamented my lack of physical self-care for some time. In particular I have hoped to get back to doing yoga on a regular basis. I have a hereditary form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis and yoga has been the most effective exercise for me in maintaining flexibility. When I have practiced it regularly I have felt healthier than anytime since high-school.

The only yoga I have ever practiced however is Bikram Yoga, often referred to as hot yoga. It is a 90 minute routine with 28 poses and 2 breathing exercises. The temperature is held somewhere between 105-110 degrees with humidity at about 40%. A towel is used over the yoga mat because of the profuse amount of sweating that occurs. It is without question one of the most intense workouts I have ever tried.  I hate it and love it. The benefits are tremendous, but at times I have lacked the motivation necessary to walk into the room.

After a year away from practicing it I finally made my way back today. I always learn a lot about myself during those 90 minutes and the thing I was reminded of most today was the need to be fully committed. Multiple times I found myself feeling physically strained to my limits. I wanted to give up and sometimes I did. There are a handful of poses that I feel confident with, and some others that I dread each time. In particular trikonasana (triangle pose) is one of my least favorites.

bikramyoga.com

I convinced myself that it was going to be too painful to finish, that I could not do it. I did not fully commit to the pose and ended up sitting out most of the set. I tried a little, or as Bart Simpson would have said, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." I held back and as soon as I felt the pain and resistance from my body I gave in.

When I make a determination to do something it is not important that I do it perfectly or even that I am able to complete it, it matters that I give a full commitment and hold nothing back. If I fully commit to a yoga pose I find that I am more capable than I imagined, I feel satisfied and at peace with myself both during and after, and I get the full benefit of having done it even if it was not anywhere near perfect. In Bikram they always refer to it as yoga practice. Perfection is not an option, there is always further to go. My practice will always look different depending on where my body is that day and how it responds. If I let go of my expectations of what the outcome is supposed to look like and simply commit to the process fully I will get exactly what I need from the experience.

There remain areas in my life that I have not fully committed to and given my full effort. The fear of making mistakes, not doing it right, failing, and the other things I imagine could go wrong are me getting in my own way. These keep me from realizing my full potential. If I am to walk my chosen path of personal growth I must do it authoritatively and wholeheartedly with nothing held back. When I approach the practice of yoga or life in that way I can realize that I am enough, and I can be at peace with whatever happens. My willingness and commitment is what matters most.

On Regret

I am learning from my regrets and letting them go

Yesterday I was at a family gathering yesterday when the topic of regret came up. The conversation led to someone posing a question: "if you could go back what would you change?" When the question came to me I resisted answering. My dodgy response was that I am unable to go back so it would do me no good to dwell on it because I can't change any of those things. It started me thinking about regret and the role it plays in my life.

I think of regret as an emotion that resides close to where I experience pain. It is usually triggered by looking back and seeing choices I made that resulted in outcomes I am unhappy with. I feel the pain of behaving in a way that is not in harmony with my true self, I feel the pain of having hurt someone, or sometimes it comes from the pain of not living up to my potential. Regret is not something I like to experience. It creates a certain level of internal dissonance that I sometimes rush to escape from or that I let tie me down. Regret shows me that how I see myself, or who I want to be does not match up with what I have done. It is a mirror I do not enjoy looking into.

I have often heard the phrase, "no regrets" used. I have heard some claim they have no regrets or that we should all live life so that we have no regrets. I am not sure that is possible or even healthy for that matter. I have regrets- lots of them -and in about 2.1 seconds I could recall a list of regrets that would easily fill the pages of a book the size of War and Peace...single spaced...10 point font... 

The question for me is not should I or should I not feel regret, but what do I do with regret when it comes? My typical response has been to hold on to it and let the gremlins out to play, and when they have regret to work with they are capable of wreaking serious havoc. They make me feel like a failure, a hypocrite, weak, stupid, foolish, selfish, broken, unlovable, dirty, shameful, to name just a few. Because I struggle with feelings of worthiness the regret stirs up shame and reinforces the false idea that I am a bad person. Regret makes me want to withdraw from others to avoid having them see me or judge me. I start to self-protect and believe that nothing I do is good enough. I feel like giving up and I become a martyr of circumstance.

Today I want to choose a different response to feelings of regret. I will allow the pain of regret to be a teacher and motivator for change. I am human and I make mistakes. Those mistakes naturally create a feeling of regret but rather than run from it or living in that pain I will allow it to instruct me. I think the first thing that will help me gain experience and meaning from those memories that I regret is to ask myself a few difficult questions. What is the decision that the regret originates from? What impact did that choice have on myself and others? What things am I accountable for and what was out of my control? What amends need to be made? Have I sought forgiveness from others and myself? Have I been diverted from my path? What corrections need to be made in order to continue the process of growth and change? What lessons can I learn? Have I let it go?

Asking those questions empowers me and starts the process of bringing myself back into alignment with my true self. I do not need to see regrets as evidence that I am a failure, but rather as a gentle reminder of the opportunity to learn a lesson. I can move through regret and the other feelings associated with those experiences by allowing myself to feel them, learn from them, and let them go. I can not go back and change  even the smallest part of what happened, but I can change entirely the way I think about it and respond to it. When I do this regret begins to fade into acceptance, it sparks motivation to do the hard work it takes to be authentic, and hopefully distills a bit of wisdom that can be used in the future. Regret can be the motivator that helps me right now to make the difficult choices that I know are right, and to continue the hard work of striving to reach my full potential. When I live in this way I do not feel regret even when the outcomes of my choices are not what I would have hoped for. 

I hope that I continue to experience regret when I make mistakes. If I stop feeling that then I have either given up on my journey or lost my ability to feel empathy. When I feel the pangs of regret I will respond gently and gratefully for the opportunity it provides me to reflect and change.  I will feel regret long enough for it to teach and motivate me and then I will let it go. 

Do you have regrets that you are still holding on to? 

What lesson might be learned from them?

How might you start to let it go?

10k

Being authentic is always enough

I am not entirely sure what to say right now. I wrote #79 last month to mark view number 5,000 for Canffirmations. I decided that I would do something again when it reached 10k views. I wanted the post to be a good one. At the time I estimated that would occur somewhere around July or August if things continued as they were so I figured I had plenty of time to come up with something.  Instead it reached that mark sometime early this morning and I have been trying to figure out what to say all day. I have given up on trying to say anything amazing, but I would like to share a few thoughts about what the experience of writing these affirmations and sharing them has been like for me. I found something to affirm for myself in each of them. 

I recognize and take opportunities to be grateful

The first and most important thing is to thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the comments. I know that commenting has a certain level of vulnerability attached to it and I am grateful for your willingness to share your thoughts and wisdom with me. Thank you for walking along beside me on this journey. I am ever hopeful that what I share provides something useful for you in your own journey, and for that reason reaching this milestone encourages me to continue writing and sharing. Thank you.

I am practicing authenticity and vulnerability

Vulnerability and authenticity is HARD to do. I have surrendered the idea of being it, but it is something I continue to try and practice each day. I practice being authentic in my emotional experiences both with myself and in sharing them with others, I practice reminding myself that I am enough, I practice letting my walls down so I can connect with others. Sometimes the practice feels somewhat effortless and exciting, but most of the time it is a grueling lesson I am needing to learn again and again, and I have to glance back to see that I have actually made progress. 

My story is important

Stories are important. Telling little pieces of my story has allowed me to see how in the process of telling it and retelling it, I learn something about myself and make sense of my experiences. In addition, it allows me to begin fully owning my story and choosing how I will write the ending. 

I have learned how inspiring the stories of others are. The affirmations and unique voices that each of the guest posters brought here has added a depth and richness that I could never have accomplished on my own. I believe that everyone has a voice and a story worth telling. The weaving together of our stories creates a beautiful tapestry that binds us tightly together and gives us strength and support to courageously keep walking our paths. 

I am always learning

I have a lot to learn. The more willing I have been to open myself up to learn the lessons that life has to teach me, the more I see how little I really know and how much I have yet to learn. Seeing this has allowed me to take a more holistic approach to situations where I can now breathe and avoid going into crises mode anytime a challenge is presented. I can see more clearly the lessons I have to learn from my experiences, but also recognize that there will always be more to learn. I am human, I have a lot to learn, I am enough right where I am, and it is a long journey.  

I am never alone when I allow my journey to be witnessed

Walking together is so much nicer! As vulnerable as I feel expressing myself in this way it has created a safe place for me to walk my path in authenticity. A place where I can share exactly where I am at in my journey and affirm the things I am working on. It is a place where I can practice taking off the mask and being seen. Each time I do that I find support here from those who are willing to witness my journey and walk beside me for a time. 

Thank you for walking with me today.

Trust Issues

I can share myself with others

I have trust issues. I wish I could say it only ran as deep as a distrust of cookies, but the consequences of those issues on me are far more severe. I have been told before that there are people who realize they have trust issues and those who do not realize they have trust issues. I suppose that should give me a feeling of relief that I am not the only one- but not so much. I still feel alone in those times when I struggle to trust others enough to share with them what I am experiencing.

I would guess that how I respond to those trust issues is different from how others may react,  but the way I respond is through withdrawing. I cut myself off from others in an effort to self protect. I do this most frequently when I feel strong emotions that I have labeled as negative. I felt really sad today. I have a variety of things going on, but it is not as if one terrible event triggered the emotion. I am not a stranger to that type of sadness because depression runs in my family and I have experienced these feelings of deep sadness for many years. It was only recently that I recognized that  my basement for those emotions was a bit darker, deeper, and harder to get out of than for most people. 

Sadness is one of those emotions that I have learned to label as negative. My perception of that emotion is that nobody wants to be around someone like that. Sadness is something to be shoved down, avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. I should buck-up and have a stiff upper lip. Nobody wants to hear me complain. Thus, partnered with my issues of trust I have learned not to talk about that particular feeling. 

So here I sit, alone, withdrawn, and still in my sadness because I have been unwilling to share it. I have had multiple texts this evening from friends, loved ones who have tried to engage and talk with me, but I got in my own way and blocked myself from the very thing that could help me connect and move through that emotion. I understand the risks of being vulnerable because that opens myself up for being hurt. Unfortunately there is no amount of safety that others can provide for me that will prove trust- I give it, or I don't. I did not tonight and although a part of me thinks that kept me safe all it did was keep me alone and shut-off. 

Today I will start to choose to trust in others and believe that I can share myself with them- flawed, imperfect, human...sad, and that I am still enough. If I am authentic with who I am and how I feel, I open myself up to potentially be hurt, but I also open myself up to be loved and understood. 

Celebration Time

I am marking and celebrating my accomplishments

Tonight I have the opportunity to celebrate with some students who are graduating with a Master's Degree. Because I have often have a tendency to focus more on the areas that I feel I come up short in life I have sometimes missed taking the opportunity to recognize when I accomplish something important. When I earned my 2 year associates degree I did not bother going to the graduation proceedings. When I finally finished my 4 year degree I was again reluctant to go.

Despite all of the time and effort it required to finish, the gremlins whispered in my head- "you took too long,"  "you could have done better," "what's the big deal, lots of people do it," "what makes you think you're special." Those thoughts diminish my accomplishments and the underlying message is that what I have done is not enough. If I allow that feeling to become prevalent in my life it might even lead me to avoid  trying anything that could be perceived as difficult. 

Marking and celebrating my achievements along the long and difficult journey of life helps to remind me that I am enough. It reminds me that how far I have come is much more important than how far I have left to go. A celebration provides opportunity to reflect, feel gratitude for the help received along the way, and to mark the transition into a new phase or challenge. Today I choose to see my best efforts as enough and to take time to honor the work I have done and those that have helped me through. 

I think it is sometimes just as important to celebrate the small victories in life as it is the things that they make Hallmark cards for. Have I continued practicing something that is difficult for me and not given up? Acknowledge it! Even though I am not where I want to be, am I now pointing in the direction I want to go and working towards my goals? Yay! Have you just barely hung on and made it through a difficult struggle that stretched and tested you further than you thought possible? Celebrate it! 

What achievement needs to be celebrated in your journey today?

Finals Week

I am always learning

Finals week. Today I have spent most of my time on campus grading papers and exams. Student's faces passing by are filled with tension and empty of smiles. I have been a part of the education system in some form or another for the vast majority of my life. I am no stranger to the intensity and stress that comes along with the close of each school year. Each time they come the stakes seem high and there is a sense of finality with everything that is happening. Sink or swim, do or die - perhaps part of the intensity comes from naming it Finals. I think I am going to start calling it transition week or something entirely different instead.

I believe life to be an ongoing learning process. It is an opportunity to realize my potential. That realization is never a finished product, it is a circular process of growth that does not have a determined end point. The classroom experience is special to me because it is an opportunity for me to engage with others and explore new ideas in a safe place. To take those ideas and experiment with them in a way that allows for mistakes, self-reflection, and the application of those ideas into my own unique journey.

To me education is valuable not in what is memorized but in the ability to open my eyes and see more of the world- not just the world around me, but the one inside myself as well as how it is experienced by those around me. I cringe at the idea that the word Finals might indicate to some that when the exams are over the learning process stops. A big part of choosing to study and teach has been in the value ideas have brought to me. It is not because I have finally mastered anything, but that I am committed to learning and growing in the areas where I am weak.

I have learning opportunities in and out of the classroom each day if I allow myself to see them. Today I choose to see learning as a cycle, an ongoing process that will continue to challenge me. Each test is an opportunity to assess where I am on my journey. My grades will not be an indication of success or failure, and they do not mark the end, they are merely a chance to see where I am headed and what corrections can be made along my path.