Boston

I am making a difference by doing my part

Four days ago I was sitting in a restaurant with several of my siblings as I overheard a conversation. 

"Boston Marathon...a bomb...dead...injured..."

I looked over at the woman that had spoken and who was now peering intently at her smartphone. I felt a familiar feeling of fear mixed with despair sink into the pit of my stomach. I looked away and noticed the warm pangs of shame as I consciously insulated myself from the situation. I did not yet know the details and I was not sure I wanted to know. I could already sense where this was going. 

9/11, Columbine, Virginia Tech, Sandy Hook...

Each of them a tumultuous blend of trauma, shame, grief, anger, confusion, sorrow, worry. The only question is how bad will each of these be, how long will it last and what will be the inevitable fall out? Will it provoke six months of spiteful Facebook rants? Will partisan pundits politicize every aspect of the tragedy? Who will be blamed and what will be done to bandage the wounds and move on? Will it connect us or push us all further apart?

I felt overwhelmed, I still do. For the next few days I spent time alternating between bouts of trying to ignore what was happening and binging on the constant stream of updates available in dozens of media formats. I worried about my friends in the area. I felt selfish for not doing something. The result of my compassion and empathy in these situations in the past had left me feeling ineffectual and paralyzed.   The enormity of it all seemed insurmountable and overwhelming. People hurting, people hurting each other. 

What difference can I make?

What can I do?

I had been through this before and came out of it without any answers, just questions that left me in a state of despair. It seemed the only thing to do was to hide from it. Block it out. Disengage. Avoid the feelings. Hope that it never happens again. 

It all makes me feel so small. In a world so full of darkness and pain it is easy to succumb to the grief and lose heart, it drowns so many of us. I want to do something but I know nothing I do can fix any of this. 

Accepting that is the first step I need to take. I am not in control of it. What I can control is how I choose to respond to something that can only be adequately described as a traumatic scarring event to everyone it touches. I know what does not work. I can not hide, pretend it does not affect me to the very core, or feel defeated. 

I choose to respond by believing that what I do matters, that how I feel is worth recognizing, that the influence I have on those around me makes a difference. I can do what I can do, and that is enough. I can choose to love, show compassion, listen, be authentic, vulnerable, share my feelings and act as a witness to the journey of others wherever it takes them - especially when it takes them into the darkness. I will do my part with all those who I journey along side and trust that in so doing it will make a difference for others striving to do their part as well. We each make a difference, and that difference matters, that difference is enough, and that difference can make all of the difference for yourself and others.