I fill up from the inside
In addition to being an amateur blogger I work as an instructor. I have spent 12 years teaching in various capacities and I am deeply passionate about what I do. Although it may be unreasonable to think it is possible, I do what I can to make every classroom a safe space that allows for positive learning experiences for every student.
I appreciate all the feedback that I have received from my students over the years and it has helped me become a better teacher. I make course evaluations available for potential students looking to take one of my classes but recently I have heard students referring to an online rating site for professors as a way to decide what instructor to take.
Unfortunately the site that students use for these reviews is not particularly reliable. The sample size of responses as compared to the number of students who actually have experience with the instructor is very low. It also has no way to determine if a review is even written by a student that has taken the class. Unlike end of semester reviews that students fill out to evaluate a class this online site is geared towards students. Even though I know these things I couldn't help but search my name to see what students had to say. I wasn't doing it to improve my teaching, I just wanted to hear that I was liked.
The most recent review was less than glowing. It hurt.
Seeking constant validation or relying solely on others for acknowledgement
is like trying to fill a leaky bucket with water. I will look inward and
recognize my worth. If I find holes or worn places I will work to
patch them rather than seeking for others to fill me up and convince me
of my value. I am worthy of others love, most of all I am worth loving myself just as I am.
OMG! This could not be more pertinent to me today. My life is filled with "What will they think of me, If I do this or don't do that?" That always spells disaster since if I go against my own wants to satisfy someone else I will be spiteful, win or lose. If I go with my gut but it upsets another then I reaffirm my doubts in my self worth...win or lose.
ReplyDeleteStuart Smalley was a joke, but deep down, his affirmation is probably the most critical to just about anyone: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me!"
and
"It is easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world."
"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world." I love it! I don't think I've heard that one before.
ReplyDeleteI'm a people pleaser and perfectionist to a fault. I become too occupied with making others happy, and I get so worked up in my head with worry about what others think of me. Even if I'm doing something nice for someone else, I'm full of doubt about whether it’s good enough. Where others see something good, I tend to focus on the flaws which seem so obvious and loud.
My sister told me something once that I try to keep in mind when something doesn’t turn out quite the way I want it to. The flaw gives it personality. Life would be pretty dull without personality, so I try to keep that in mind when I’m trying too hard to perfect something.
Thanks for your affirmation Clair. It’s a great reminder that if I don’t first believe in myself and that my best is good enough, those reassurances I’m seeking from others will never fill the void that only I’m responsible for filling.
Thank you for the wonderful comments. I have often found myself selling out for a little bit of belonging. What I really want is true connection but I can never have it without being true to who I am. It seems much easier at times to fit-in, smooth over, or keep silent instead of being authentic. I ran across a poem that I think fits.
ReplyDelete"Myself" by Edgar Albert Guest.
I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.
I want to be able as days go by,
always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
and hate myself for the things I have done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
a lot of secrets about myself
and fool myself as I come and go
into thinking no one else will ever know
the kind of person I really am,
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect
I want to deserve all men's respect;
but here in the struggle for fame and wealth
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know that
I am bluster and bluff and empty show.
I never can hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself and so,
whatever happens I want to be
self respecting and conscience free.