I am letting go of resentment and embracing compassion
I have noticed that as I focus on the process of walking my path I frequently experience more vivid dreams. I had another dream last night and I woke up feeling a swirling mix of negative feelings. Emotionally I was exhausted and dreading what the rest of the day would hold. I did not feel like anything good could happen today based on how I was feeling after that dream. As it is with most of my dreams there was a lot of disjointed things happening that are hard to explain or make sense of but what is always very clear are the emotions I am experiencing during it. Even when I wake up knowing it was a dream the feelings stay with me.
I have learned that when I feel such powerful emotions it is a mistake for me to ignore or repress them. I decided to look for help in dealing with them. Instead of keeping them hidden I shared them with someone else and with my my Higher Power. I certainly wanted to be rid of what I was feeling, but I knew that I would have to understand them and experience it before that could happen.
One of the strongest feelings I was experiencing was anger and resentment towards someone who had hurt me and that I had also hurt in return. Even though I think neither of us purposefully intended the pain caused, we had both been selfish in our treatment of the other. I think it is sometimes hardest to recognize hurt we cause others when it isn't overt or malicious in intent.
As I willingly and openly shared my emotions with someone else and my Higher Power I recognized a shift in how I was feeling. I was suddenly able to recognize that the hurt done to me was coming from a place of pain in the other person. My resentment began to transform into compassion and I felt the swirl of discomfort and pain inside me begin to dissipate. Although that compassion does not heal the relationship or the dysfunction; by letting myself openly share it, experience it, and letting go of it let me begin to heal my own pain.
That compassion has since expanded and helped me see how much each of us suffer from the wounds inflicted upon us by others. Left untreated those wounds often spread to others close to us. Today I want to let go of resentment so that instead of spreading my own pain to others I can heal myself and others through compassion.
Wow... this is something that came up for me today and I had to sit with myself for three hours in meditation (I was volunteering and that was my role), so it was interesting to see how the realization at how hurt this person was came during that time.
ReplyDeleteAs always, thank you so much for sharing.
Volunteering to help others meditate sounds awesome! And hard! I am working on my practice of meditation but I still struggle maintaining sufficient focus to go for long stretches of time. I imagine you can learn a lot about yourself with that much time to be introspective. Thank you for sharing your experience Stephanie.
DeleteMatt. 6:22
ReplyDeleteVery helpful reminder for me right now.
ReplyDeleteThanks
Thank you
ReplyDeleteSometimes the hurt is too deep for all these pretty words to mean anything. Some hurt just never goes away no matter how much you try to let go. While resentment and anger can usually fade sometimes the hurt stings every bit as much as the day everything fell apart.
ReplyDeleteI am certainly not one to claim any special expertise in compassionate forgiveness. I still struggle with feeling anger, resentment and the other painful emotions that are a part of the grieving process.
DeleteI think it is difficult to understand the pain someone else is experiencing who has had experiences very different from my own. I also think the process of healing wounds is a very personal journey that we find ourselves in different stages of throughout our life. I think even though we may have different experiences everyone can relate to pain. I share my experiences in the hope that perhaps it will in some small way assist someone else in their journey. I am hopeful that my intentions to speak only for myself translates through my writing and does not come across as advice or even pressure to think or feel a particular way.
I offer my sincere wishes that the hurt you feel will one day come to an end and that the wounds that caused it will be healed. I can say with a surety that it is not an easy road, but it is one that I do not think anyone has to travel alone.