First day of class

I help others find their paths 

by walking my own authentically

Summer semester starts tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m.  I always have a rough time sleeping the night  before so I have some concern about how difficult it is going to be to get out of bed when the alarm sounds. Even after 12 years I still get some butterflies when I walk into the room on the first day. I have fewer nightmares that involve me showing up to class half way through the semester, being unprepared, or sans clothing, but the nerves are still there as an indication of how much I care about teaching. 

I do not profess to know the best way to teach but I have learned a few things about what does not produce desired effects. Demanding, manipulating, forcing, pretending as if I have their answers, or mandating behavior. I think the only way I can effectively teach is by creating a safe place where I invite others to exercise their choices, experiment with the discomfort of trying new things and making mistakes. I create that safety by showing up and letting myself be seen. I have to walk the path of my own personal truths and model the vulnerability, passion, curiosity, and honesty that I expect from them. 

Showing up with that level of authenticity is a difficult work in progress for me. It is much easier to hide behind a textbook, a degree, or someone else's words. It gets a little easier to be authentic when I remember that learning is not something that comes by memorizing facts and figures but that it is the process of being able to see more of our world. I can see that this can only happen if we are already aware of where we are starting from. We are all on different paths and in different places, but we have so much to learn from each other when we are open and authentic. 

I recognize and honor each of you today- parents, leaders, teachers, neighbors -walking your path with authenticity who are open to others and helping them to find how to walk in their own truths by courageously walking your own. 

On Regret

I am learning from my regrets and letting them go

Yesterday I was at a family gathering yesterday when the topic of regret came up. The conversation led to someone posing a question: "if you could go back what would you change?" When the question came to me I resisted answering. My dodgy response was that I am unable to go back so it would do me no good to dwell on it because I can't change any of those things. It started me thinking about regret and the role it plays in my life.

I think of regret as an emotion that resides close to where I experience pain. It is usually triggered by looking back and seeing choices I made that resulted in outcomes I am unhappy with. I feel the pain of behaving in a way that is not in harmony with my true self, I feel the pain of having hurt someone, or sometimes it comes from the pain of not living up to my potential. Regret is not something I like to experience. It creates a certain level of internal dissonance that I sometimes rush to escape from or that I let tie me down. Regret shows me that how I see myself, or who I want to be does not match up with what I have done. It is a mirror I do not enjoy looking into.

I have often heard the phrase, "no regrets" used. I have heard some claim they have no regrets or that we should all live life so that we have no regrets. I am not sure that is possible or even healthy for that matter. I have regrets- lots of them -and in about 2.1 seconds I could recall a list of regrets that would easily fill the pages of a book the size of War and Peace...single spaced...10 point font... 

The question for me is not should I or should I not feel regret, but what do I do with regret when it comes? My typical response has been to hold on to it and let the gremlins out to play, and when they have regret to work with they are capable of wreaking serious havoc. They make me feel like a failure, a hypocrite, weak, stupid, foolish, selfish, broken, unlovable, dirty, shameful, to name just a few. Because I struggle with feelings of worthiness the regret stirs up shame and reinforces the false idea that I am a bad person. Regret makes me want to withdraw from others to avoid having them see me or judge me. I start to self-protect and believe that nothing I do is good enough. I feel like giving up and I become a martyr of circumstance.

Today I want to choose a different response to feelings of regret. I will allow the pain of regret to be a teacher and motivator for change. I am human and I make mistakes. Those mistakes naturally create a feeling of regret but rather than run from it or living in that pain I will allow it to instruct me. I think the first thing that will help me gain experience and meaning from those memories that I regret is to ask myself a few difficult questions. What is the decision that the regret originates from? What impact did that choice have on myself and others? What things am I accountable for and what was out of my control? What amends need to be made? Have I sought forgiveness from others and myself? Have I been diverted from my path? What corrections need to be made in order to continue the process of growth and change? What lessons can I learn? Have I let it go?

Asking those questions empowers me and starts the process of bringing myself back into alignment with my true self. I do not need to see regrets as evidence that I am a failure, but rather as a gentle reminder of the opportunity to learn a lesson. I can move through regret and the other feelings associated with those experiences by allowing myself to feel them, learn from them, and let them go. I can not go back and change  even the smallest part of what happened, but I can change entirely the way I think about it and respond to it. When I do this regret begins to fade into acceptance, it sparks motivation to do the hard work it takes to be authentic, and hopefully distills a bit of wisdom that can be used in the future. Regret can be the motivator that helps me right now to make the difficult choices that I know are right, and to continue the hard work of striving to reach my full potential. When I live in this way I do not feel regret even when the outcomes of my choices are not what I would have hoped for. 

I hope that I continue to experience regret when I make mistakes. If I stop feeling that then I have either given up on my journey or lost my ability to feel empathy. When I feel the pangs of regret I will respond gently and gratefully for the opportunity it provides me to reflect and change.  I will feel regret long enough for it to teach and motivate me and then I will let it go. 

Do you have regrets that you are still holding on to? 

What lesson might be learned from them?

How might you start to let it go?

10k

Being authentic is always enough

I am not entirely sure what to say right now. I wrote #79 last month to mark view number 5,000 for Canffirmations. I decided that I would do something again when it reached 10k views. I wanted the post to be a good one. At the time I estimated that would occur somewhere around July or August if things continued as they were so I figured I had plenty of time to come up with something.  Instead it reached that mark sometime early this morning and I have been trying to figure out what to say all day. I have given up on trying to say anything amazing, but I would like to share a few thoughts about what the experience of writing these affirmations and sharing them has been like for me. I found something to affirm for myself in each of them. 

I recognize and take opportunities to be grateful

The first and most important thing is to thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the comments. I know that commenting has a certain level of vulnerability attached to it and I am grateful for your willingness to share your thoughts and wisdom with me. Thank you for walking along beside me on this journey. I am ever hopeful that what I share provides something useful for you in your own journey, and for that reason reaching this milestone encourages me to continue writing and sharing. Thank you.

I am practicing authenticity and vulnerability

Vulnerability and authenticity is HARD to do. I have surrendered the idea of being it, but it is something I continue to try and practice each day. I practice being authentic in my emotional experiences both with myself and in sharing them with others, I practice reminding myself that I am enough, I practice letting my walls down so I can connect with others. Sometimes the practice feels somewhat effortless and exciting, but most of the time it is a grueling lesson I am needing to learn again and again, and I have to glance back to see that I have actually made progress. 

My story is important

Stories are important. Telling little pieces of my story has allowed me to see how in the process of telling it and retelling it, I learn something about myself and make sense of my experiences. In addition, it allows me to begin fully owning my story and choosing how I will write the ending. 

I have learned how inspiring the stories of others are. The affirmations and unique voices that each of the guest posters brought here has added a depth and richness that I could never have accomplished on my own. I believe that everyone has a voice and a story worth telling. The weaving together of our stories creates a beautiful tapestry that binds us tightly together and gives us strength and support to courageously keep walking our paths. 

I am always learning

I have a lot to learn. The more willing I have been to open myself up to learn the lessons that life has to teach me, the more I see how little I really know and how much I have yet to learn. Seeing this has allowed me to take a more holistic approach to situations where I can now breathe and avoid going into crises mode anytime a challenge is presented. I can see more clearly the lessons I have to learn from my experiences, but also recognize that there will always be more to learn. I am human, I have a lot to learn, I am enough right where I am, and it is a long journey.  

I am never alone when I allow my journey to be witnessed

Walking together is so much nicer! As vulnerable as I feel expressing myself in this way it has created a safe place for me to walk my path in authenticity. A place where I can share exactly where I am at in my journey and affirm the things I am working on. It is a place where I can practice taking off the mask and being seen. Each time I do that I find support here from those who are willing to witness my journey and walk beside me for a time. 

Thank you for walking with me today.

Trust Issues

I can share myself with others

I have trust issues. I wish I could say it only ran as deep as a distrust of cookies, but the consequences of those issues on me are far more severe. I have been told before that there are people who realize they have trust issues and those who do not realize they have trust issues. I suppose that should give me a feeling of relief that I am not the only one- but not so much. I still feel alone in those times when I struggle to trust others enough to share with them what I am experiencing.

I would guess that how I respond to those trust issues is different from how others may react,  but the way I respond is through withdrawing. I cut myself off from others in an effort to self protect. I do this most frequently when I feel strong emotions that I have labeled as negative. I felt really sad today. I have a variety of things going on, but it is not as if one terrible event triggered the emotion. I am not a stranger to that type of sadness because depression runs in my family and I have experienced these feelings of deep sadness for many years. It was only recently that I recognized that  my basement for those emotions was a bit darker, deeper, and harder to get out of than for most people. 

Sadness is one of those emotions that I have learned to label as negative. My perception of that emotion is that nobody wants to be around someone like that. Sadness is something to be shoved down, avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. I should buck-up and have a stiff upper lip. Nobody wants to hear me complain. Thus, partnered with my issues of trust I have learned not to talk about that particular feeling. 

So here I sit, alone, withdrawn, and still in my sadness because I have been unwilling to share it. I have had multiple texts this evening from friends, loved ones who have tried to engage and talk with me, but I got in my own way and blocked myself from the very thing that could help me connect and move through that emotion. I understand the risks of being vulnerable because that opens myself up for being hurt. Unfortunately there is no amount of safety that others can provide for me that will prove trust- I give it, or I don't. I did not tonight and although a part of me thinks that kept me safe all it did was keep me alone and shut-off. 

Today I will start to choose to trust in others and believe that I can share myself with them- flawed, imperfect, human...sad, and that I am still enough. If I am authentic with who I am and how I feel, I open myself up to potentially be hurt, but I also open myself up to be loved and understood. 

Shrink to Fit

I am speaking my voice and living with passion
 I will rise up and not shrink

Today I had the opportunity to watch speeches from students in my public speaking class. It was inspiring. I was moved as I watched them stand in front of a crowded room and own their voices with confidence. They spoke with passion, vulnerability, and shared their stories with courage. They connected with me and the others in the room, and for me it called out my own passion. Oh how I want to live from that place of authenticity all of the time! I want to be true to myself, and by being my authentic self call out the best in others. 

Too often I find myself shrinking to fit. Sometimes that comes from the shouting voices that bombard me daily. A belittling Facebook post that attacks others with shame. An advertisement telling me how I should look, eat, smell, travel, and how I will be seen if I do not fall in line. A piece of unsolicited advice on how I should handle the most complicated and personal issues in my life. A look of disapproval, judgement, scorn. The voices that go around shoulding all over me and anyone else in their path. Sometimes I even start to internalize them.

"Who do you think you are?"
"You should keep your head down and avoid trouble."
"Don't try or you will just fail."
"You will never be accepted."

When I let those voices find purchase inside me I start to erect the watchtowers that keep my authentic self small and confined. I create my own set of guards to keep a watchful eye lest I even dare to consider stepping out from behind the bars of should. 

I will not let my voice be drowned out by those that want to keep me small. I want to rise to the full measure of my creation. I will own my authenticity and speak from the heart. I will shout an invitation to others who are willing to witness me for who I am and not what they want me to be. An invitation to be who they are. I do not need you to agree with me or fix anything, just let me know you see me and want to support my growth in all of its' awkwardness and frequent mistakes. Let me speak my voice without trying to shush me. And when you see me owning my authenticity and finding my voice encourage me to live and speak it with boldness. 

What part of you has been shushed and shrunken that needs to be voiced? 

Compliments Please

I am focused on internal rewards

My eldest daughter has often been an inspiration, encourager and even contributor to this blog. I was excited and proud when she wanted to be a guest poster. I have kept her updated on how many people have read her affirmation and when she receives comments. We were riding in the car this weekend when she asked me, "How come I only get one compliment on my blog?"

I let her know that I often do not get comments on my posts either and that not everybody who reads it and likes it will always leave a message. She seemed disappointed. I related. 

I thought about how often I obsess over page counts, and that just a few days prior I had been in the same position of worrying about not getting any comments on a particularly vulnerable post I had written. Often I find myself stuck (right now for example) over exactly how to write an affirmation. I worry about how it will be received, what people will think of me when they read it. My focus shifts from writing authentically for the goal of supporting my own growth process to looking for external validation. 

It is nice to receive approval or praise from others, but if I always look for validation from the outside I may relinquish my power of self-definition. If I need constant approval for what I do and who I am, I may begin to measure my success and failure by the ever shifting measuring sticks of others. The intrinsic value of doing what is right because it is true and authentic to who I am is the source of my own integrity. I will keep my focus on the internal reward of doing what is consistent with my true self.  

Vulnerability, authenticity and connection

Risking my vulnerability is worth it

Two days ago I struggled to write the post Muddy Waters. As soon as I submitted it I immediately felt vulnerable.  What was I thinking? Nobody is going to care or relate to that.  What's the point? Why do I keep putting myself out there like that? My doubt and shame gremlins came out to play in droves.  I started obsessing over how many views the post was getting. By mid-morning of the next day I saw that nobody had commented yet and I let all my doubts take root.  I was relieved when I checked my email and saw that Stephanie had sent her guest post because I was still not ready to put myself out there again.  

Then the amazing happened. Within the next few hours God (insert Karma, the universe, providence, a Higher Power) showed up for me through the grace and vulnerability of others.  It started with a conversation I had with a friend who has recently started blogging. She said that after writing her second post she had a new appreciation for the vulnerability it creates when you write from a place of authenticity. She was able to connect with my experiences and understand what I was feeling. 

A few hours later I got an email from a fellow blogger who expressed how hard it is to write personal affirmations and how she had to constantly fight the pull to make generalized statements instead of owning her own story. Her email was full of support, empathy and sincerity.

Next I logged on to this site and read 3 incredibly open and vulnerable comments that resonated deeply with me. They reflected the same level of vulnerability as I had put into the post. In that moment I felt deep connection with each of them. I felt a connection with my authentic self, my Higher Power, humanity. I could feel myself as one of the threads of life woven into everything around me. I felt purposeful, inspired...understood. 

My story suddenly seemed to matter and have meaning. My understanding and perspective on this experience shifted. What I had experienced and done was not wasted. My story was worth sharing. Gratitude started to well up. The gremlins were vanquished! I took a mental note that the next time the risk of vulnerability came I was going to face it (feeling it now). I was going to embrace it and remember that it is worth it.

Vulnerability seems to be the first thing we look for in others and the last thing we want to show. I am not sure that I will ever feel so secure that the fear of being vulnerable will go away. Those gremlins will make another visit, I will doubt and feel the rawness of being open and sharing my story. I will probably have times where I fumble through it or run and hide, but I have seen what vulnerability can offer and I am going to keep taking that risk. I am going to be courageous!

The outcome is probably not always going to be an instant or overwhelming payoff like it was in this experience, but if I want true connection and to walk my path with authenticity, it is going to involve vulnerability - lots of it. I choose vulnerability with all of the inherent risks and uncertainty. It is my doorway to authenticity and connection. I will walk through it with boldness.    

Muddy waters

Wherever I am in my journey, I am enough

Even when I finally figured out what I needed to affirm today I still had a difficult time putting this post together.  This journey towards authenticity and seeking my full potential is often confusing and unsettling to me. It encourages me to do things that support my best self, but are horribly uncomfortable. 

Writing affirmations is something I have done for over a year now, but the process of getting to the point where I could make the choice to share them with others did not occur quickly. Before I was ready to start blogging I had collected in the vicinity of 200 affirmations. Part of the reason I saved them all was because I knew when I was ready to start sharing I wanted to have plenty of them prepared so that I never missed a day for an entire year.  I figured that with a couple of hundred that would give me the comfortable cushion I would need to start.  I was afraid that I would make the commitment to write daily but not be able to actually follow through. Maybe the pressure would be too much and I would freeze, or what if I got too busy? I tried to manage some of that anxiety by making lots of very pretty sounding affirmations. However, after I created Canffirmations I found that I was unable to use any of them.  

When I read those old affirmations they sometimes sound empty to me.  I know that when I wrote them I felt differently. The stories and what I wrote about still makes sense, but I am not in the same place as when I created them. I write these affirmations to help me be authentic and affirm my best self, but by trying to manage the impressions of other people by using what I had already written I undermined the very reason I chose to do this.  This process only works when I am me.  I know when my writing is not open and it is never as good because it is not what I am experiencing right now.

I struggled to write an affirmation today because I was worried that it would not be good enough for those who read it. I have had a very unclear and confusing day and I was afraid of being vulnerable with my readers. I was worried it would not sound positive enough, or that my writing would reflect the lack of energy I have felt. My murky thoughts from all of the things that I have had stirred up recently made it seem impossible to express myself.  I need a little work at getting over myself and to disavow any thoughts that walking my path is going to be easy. 

Escalante River - canffirmations.blogspot.com

I have mentioned in previous posts here about a trip to Coyote Gulch with some of my family. One of the longest of the hikes we did on that trip was to go from our campsite to where the river that runs through the gorge reaches the Escalante River.  We had planned on having some fun cooling off and swimming in the deeper water once we arrived.  We changed our minds once we got there.  The water was swifter, shallower, and much muddier than we had anticipated.  It looked closer to the consistency and color of chocolate milk than it did to the kind of water you would want to frolic in.  It was impossible to see the slippery rocks under the surface and trying to stumble through the current was problematic.  This is what it sometimes feels like for me to truly dive into the process of change.  It stirs up all sorts of things and those turbid waters become perilous.  Things get slippery and my counterproductive instincts of the past make me think I should go it alone or pretend I have it all under control.  I resisted reaching out my hand to steady myself with the help of someone else, or to be vulnerable with what I am feeling.  

Even thinking on a subconscious level that who I am and what I need to affirm is not good enough will keep me stuck exactly where I am.  If what I write does not resonate with others that is okay because although we walk together the paths are different.  To be authentic means I have to affirm what I need right now. It is more vulnerable, and certainly less polished than what I want it to look like at times, but it is the only choice for me if I want to stay on my path. Being me, and writing from the place I am at is enough.  

What needs affirming today to support your authentic self? 

What area of your life need a reminder that you are enough? 

Fairytale falsehoods

I am fully committed

 

 

 I have often fancied myself a bit of a romantic.  On more than one occasion I have organized mega dates that were planned out to the finest detail.  I could imagine everything unfolding perfectly in my mind.  My idealism was fueled by movies, music, and stories that portrayed the quintessential love story of happily ever after.... lies, lies, lies.

M. Scott Peck noted that mental health increases as we pursue reality at all costs.  Romanticism is the idealism of life and relationships, by definition it's antonym is realism.  I understand the appeal of feeling like once love is found the struggle ends and everything else is easy. All you need is love, right?  After experiencing 16 years beyond were a typical movie would run the end credits, I can conclude that those idealistic views of relationships are unrealistic.  Nobody rides off into the sunset on a white horse with their prince or princess.  The truth is not always very popular and does not sell out box offices, but the reality is relationships are hard work.  To realize the ultimate potential of what a relationship can promise requires more than expressing love, it requires vulnerability and the willingness to fully commit.   

Fully committing to another person means that I am willing to witness their journey, their joy and pain, successes and failures, to see their humanness and let them see mine.  It is a commitment that must be made again and again and especially when things are difficult.  This is the type of commitment to vulnerability that creates true connection.   I have yet to find any romantic ideal in music, literature, or film that can match it.  The transcendent beauty of knowing, and being known authentically in all its' imperfection and messiness is unparalleled.  Today and everyday I am committed to relationships based on finding true connection, not a fairytale ending. 

Masks are for Halloween

I am willing to be known

There are many faces I can put on when I choose to protect myself from others.  I can fake happy, hard-working, put-together, sort-of cool, professional, or whatever I think I should be or feel in a particular situation.  The masks let me pretend while I secretly feel completely lost and afraid.  The illusions I create by hiding behind masks can rob me of opportunities.  They can keep my authentic self trapped, stunt my emotional growth, and keep me disconnected from others.  This can be reinforced in subtle ways everyday.

"How are you?"
"I'm fine...."

How many times each day do I hide, even from the people I want to be connected with? I sometimes choose to ignore my feelings or put on a mask for fear of being a burden to others, whiny, weak, dramatic, unaccepted, or discovered as a fraud.  When I live in fear of what people might think if I share my true feelings I will always be running from myself and keeping others at a distance. The vulnerability I feel when I am authentic is powerful. It can reveal to me what I need, the courage I need to face what I fear, where I am injured and require healing, how I can nurture myself and allow others I trust to nurture me. It opens the door to freedom and connection.  No amount of protection is worth creating a barrier that will forever cut me off from the connection I desire and deserve. I am taking the masks off and choosing to be vulnerable and authentic. 

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq5nW5YqtnoyVBQ23OuqrYFoO_t5fXc-ZkP0oEOcPm-hQjenmmdCTjwzwLVyzngsB2pS6HilNhBaMRLVGWXLs_rTMGqJtrSiTN0oCGu7wk-0xS3wrMd_R3XYX3OkZXzpIR7go0VI3F_y5-/s1600/Behind_The_Mask.jpg

Story time

I can share my story with others

Walking the path of authenticity is brutal sometimes.  Most of the month of February has been tough and this past week especially.  I faced challenges I did not expect, my health has been under attack, and a myriad of tiny problems piled on one after another.  I know the path I have chosen is not an easy one, but I still have a difficult time keeping my head up when things get heavy.

I used to have a reoccurring nightmare where I had to get away from some sort of danger and it was as if I was running in slow motion.  My feet felt as if they were trapped in cement and the feeling of helplessness and frustration is overwhelming.  It has felt like that for me lately and I hate it.  I hate talking about it even more.

My experiences can benefit others only if I am willing to share my story.  It is not because I have answers but rather it is because when I am transparent I validate the struggles of others and affirm that I am enough.  I hope that everyone has experienced that rare and valuable moment when someone you think has everything together stops pretending and shares openly.  In that moment of honesty true connection is forged and strengthens the hearts of us all.  When I share not just my victories but also my vulnerabilities it can bring hope and courage to continue on our journeys. 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."  Brene Brown

Do who you are

I am living authentically

Being my authentic self is when I bring who I am and what I do into alignment.  The more I nourish my authentic self the more I see an increase in joy and serenity.

No reward is worth the price of selling-out my authentic self. There are many opportunities everyday to compromise myself. I think it rarely comes as a dramatic moment that forces me to choose if I will be true to who I am. I believe it most often occurs as a multitude of tiny transactions where I give up a little piece at a time.  I nickle and dime my authentic self until it feels like I am lost, and bankrupt. A tiny lie, looking the other way, giving in, making concessions, striking a deal, and pretending erodes away my authenticity a small piece at a time.  No amount of fitting in, pain avoidance, uncertainty reduction  or false acceptance is worth the cost of losing my authentic self. 

I am faithfully fighting for my true self daily. If I begin to feel I have lost myself I don't have to go searching for it, just make a choice to reclaim it.

Thanks Chris

I see how my struggles can benefit others

Today I had the privilege to listen to Chris Herren as a guest speaker at Weber State University.  I had read a little about his story from an ESPN article not long ago and thought it would be a great opportunity for my speech class to listen to him.  It was even better than I had hoped for and I have been thinking about it all day. 

Chemical addiction robbed Chris of his professional basketball career and nearly cost him his family and his life.  You can hear more about his story through several articles written about him, his book Basketball Junkie: A Memoir, or the ESPN Emmy nominated film Unguarded.

After detailing the fourteen year nightmare of his addiction I was struck by some of Chris's statements regarding his recovery and why he now speaks so openly about those difficult experiences. He told a story about one of his first speaking engagements, which was in front of a crowded gymnasium of High School students.  He was incredibly nervous but prayed that he could have an impact and make a difference for just one person.  At the end of his speech he opened it up for questions and there was one girl sitting at the top of the bleachers all alone who had raised her hand.  She was quickly hushed by the crowd and she told Chris she no longer had a question.  Sometime later he received a message from that girl.  Every day she was ridiculed and bullied at school.  She had difficulties at home as well and each night she would shut herself in her room, pull out a razor blade and cut on her arms.  They were so scarred that she now had to resort to cutting on her legs instead.  She thanked him and said that because of his willingness and courage to tell his story she had gained the courage to tell hers.  She explained to him that after hearing his story she had walked into the cafeteria at lunch time and sat next to some of the other girls that teased her. When they asked her what she was doing she responded by lifting up her sleeves and showing them the scars on her arms.  She told them she cuts because of the cruel things they do to her everyday and that from that day on the teasing stopped.  She thanked him and told him it had been several months since she had last self mutilated.  He remembers that one girl every time he speaks.  

What is moving about the way he speaks is not just the stories, but how candid he is about those experiences. By being real and open his story validates struggle.  I struggle.  I think we all struggle.  I am not sure of anyone that is immune from struggle. Why is it that it seems so few of us are willing to talk about them?  I know for me some of those reasons are fearing that others will judge me, misunderstand me, or that they will reject me and pull away.  That fear and shame keeps me guarded and hidden.  But if I am not real about my weaknesses and struggles how can I possibly expect to have an impact on others?  How can I expect the kind of connection that comes from people who are willing to be fully transparent with each other? 

I am not inspired and moved by stories of ease and privilege.  It is the authentically courageous stories of struggle, pain, and doubt that draw me in.  Those stories give me hope, they validate my own experiences and encourage me to continue on the difficult path of trying to reach my full potential. 

Thank you Chris, and to each of you that are brave enough to be vulnerable, real, and open with me and others about your weaknesses and challenges.  I take hope and courage from your examples.  The courage to be who I am, and that through being open I can connect with and help others.
    

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I am authentic and vulnerable

I do not like to admit I'm wrong, I hate making mistakes, and I struggle being vulnerable.  Why is that so painful for me to do? 

My answer to that discomfort is to isolate, to run and hide. I have masks that I can put on in any situation.  I do it to protect myself but it does not work for me anymore.  Transparency reveals the true me and allows it to emerge.

We all carry secrets. I think most of us believe that our imperfections and mistakes are somehow much worse than everyone else's and that if anyone knew how could we ever be loved? We create masks and illusions of the great and powerful Oz while our true self gets shoved behind a curtain where it withers. It is simply exhausting trying to always pretend.

Honesty, vulnerability, authenticity and letting go of all the secrets strips away the illusions that I hide behind. I am worthy and lovable in all of my imperfections and when I am courageous in that vulnerability with others it can create true compassion and connection.  I am willing to risk the pain of vulnerability for the exquisite connection that emerges from authenticity.