Alone in a Crowd

I am willing to reach out and be open when I need connection with others

Yesterday I had dinner with several of my siblings to indirectly celebrate one of my sister's birthday. She is not a big fan of making a big deal out of it so when one of the servers asked what occasion brought us all together (I have a lot of siblings, nieces, nephews...) he looked a bit surprised and confused when we said it was to celebrate tax day. 

I was surrounded by people I know love me for who I am, and yet I felt disconnected and alone. The isolation was not because I was sitting at the end of the table, or because I am unable to be authentic around them, but it was because I was withdrawn and unwilling to reach out. I had ample opportunity to take advantage of support and understanding but there are times when I need to take the first step in being real and asking for what I need. Being connected is not about being around people, but rather the process of willingly showing up and letting myself be seen. 

Looking back at some of my previous posts and reflecting on my journey has highlighted for me some of the key lessons I have to learn. I can see that I often have themes that continue to pop up that I need to address. I frequently have to learn the same lesson several times before it begins to sink in. I can see that recognizing my needs and being courageous enough to reach out for help when I need it is an important lesson and that I must continue to make that a part of my daily practice. Yesterday I kept to myself and lost that important opportunity to truly connect. Today I will take advantage of those opportunities and reach out for the connection I need. 

What do you need today in order to feel connected?

Muddy waters

Wherever I am in my journey, I am enough

Even when I finally figured out what I needed to affirm today I still had a difficult time putting this post together.  This journey towards authenticity and seeking my full potential is often confusing and unsettling to me. It encourages me to do things that support my best self, but are horribly uncomfortable. 

Writing affirmations is something I have done for over a year now, but the process of getting to the point where I could make the choice to share them with others did not occur quickly. Before I was ready to start blogging I had collected in the vicinity of 200 affirmations. Part of the reason I saved them all was because I knew when I was ready to start sharing I wanted to have plenty of them prepared so that I never missed a day for an entire year.  I figured that with a couple of hundred that would give me the comfortable cushion I would need to start.  I was afraid that I would make the commitment to write daily but not be able to actually follow through. Maybe the pressure would be too much and I would freeze, or what if I got too busy? I tried to manage some of that anxiety by making lots of very pretty sounding affirmations. However, after I created Canffirmations I found that I was unable to use any of them.  

When I read those old affirmations they sometimes sound empty to me.  I know that when I wrote them I felt differently. The stories and what I wrote about still makes sense, but I am not in the same place as when I created them. I write these affirmations to help me be authentic and affirm my best self, but by trying to manage the impressions of other people by using what I had already written I undermined the very reason I chose to do this.  This process only works when I am me.  I know when my writing is not open and it is never as good because it is not what I am experiencing right now.

I struggled to write an affirmation today because I was worried that it would not be good enough for those who read it. I have had a very unclear and confusing day and I was afraid of being vulnerable with my readers. I was worried it would not sound positive enough, or that my writing would reflect the lack of energy I have felt. My murky thoughts from all of the things that I have had stirred up recently made it seem impossible to express myself.  I need a little work at getting over myself and to disavow any thoughts that walking my path is going to be easy. 

Escalante River - canffirmations.blogspot.com

I have mentioned in previous posts here about a trip to Coyote Gulch with some of my family. One of the longest of the hikes we did on that trip was to go from our campsite to where the river that runs through the gorge reaches the Escalante River.  We had planned on having some fun cooling off and swimming in the deeper water once we arrived.  We changed our minds once we got there.  The water was swifter, shallower, and much muddier than we had anticipated.  It looked closer to the consistency and color of chocolate milk than it did to the kind of water you would want to frolic in.  It was impossible to see the slippery rocks under the surface and trying to stumble through the current was problematic.  This is what it sometimes feels like for me to truly dive into the process of change.  It stirs up all sorts of things and those turbid waters become perilous.  Things get slippery and my counterproductive instincts of the past make me think I should go it alone or pretend I have it all under control.  I resisted reaching out my hand to steady myself with the help of someone else, or to be vulnerable with what I am feeling.  

Even thinking on a subconscious level that who I am and what I need to affirm is not good enough will keep me stuck exactly where I am.  If what I write does not resonate with others that is okay because although we walk together the paths are different.  To be authentic means I have to affirm what I need right now. It is more vulnerable, and certainly less polished than what I want it to look like at times, but it is the only choice for me if I want to stay on my path. Being me, and writing from the place I am at is enough.  

What needs affirming today to support your authentic self? 

What area of your life need a reminder that you are enough? 

BFF's

I am fostering healthy relationships

I spent some time tonight connecting with a few of my brothers.  They are not the brothers I am fortunate to be related through blood, they are ones that were forged through bonds of vulnerability, openness, trust and support.  It is a rare and valuable gift to have someone that you can count on when things are good and especially when the road gets rough and your flaws are open for all to see. 

Feeling connection and intimacy is crucial for my well being. Just being around someone does not necessarily fill that need.  I may even find ways that seem to meet my needs temporarily, but ultimately leave me unfulfilled.  Real connection can not be counted by how many friends I have on facebook or the number of times someone "likes" my status updates.

I will seek out and nurture relationships that are healthy and fulfilling.  I will build them on the foundations of vulnerability, trust, honesty, compassion, reciprocation, and love.  Who can accept all of me, even the dark parts of my story?  Who can I be most myself when I am around them? 

The gift of today

I am fully present in the moment

I wonder sometimes how much of my day I spend living outside the reality of right now.  I am capable of filling my thoughts almost constantly with something other than what I am doing or where I am.  What would life be like if I lived each moment fully present with myself and my surroundings? 

At this time of year it is easy for me to get lost in the nostalgia of the past, or wallow in the memory of some recent mistake.  My memories of those moments seem to get distorted and less realistic as time goes by.  I not only get stuck in the past but I get caught up in the worry of tomorrow.
"What lingering items on my mental to-do list are still incomplete?"
"What if ____________ happens or _____________ doesn't work out?"
I can even disregard everything that is currently happening in my life to focus on the greener pastures of tomorrow.  It doesn't necessarily matter if my thought of yesterday and tomorrow are for good or ill, in both cases I am living outside the reality of today.

The days I spend living in the past or future seem to fade away leaving me with no memories created or lessons learned, they become wasted.  The experiences that often make the biggest difference as I walk my path are the ones I never see coming and that I can only internalize if I am present and ready to receive it.  I can not change yesterday and nothing I do can control the future and that is why it has been said: today is a gift and that is why it's called the present.

Today I will awaken my senses to experience all the beauty around me.
I will set aside the worries of yesterday and tomorrow.
I will breath deeply and ground myself in the moment.
I will receive the gift of today with gratitude and honor it in the only way possible, living it fully.