Taking down walls

I choose vulnerability and connection

The great paradox of all relationships is between the need for connection and the desire for self-protection. There have been moments when I have tried to have them both, but I have come to accept it is impossible. 

The walls I put up to keep myself safe from the harm others can cause, are the same that also keep me trapped and isolated.  That isolation turns to depression and loneliness. I might try to convince myself that if I trust no one I will never be hurt. No matter how much I may try to deny it, I am hard-wired for connection. Relationships bring purpose and meaning to my life and are important in my process of growth.

It takes vulnerability to connect. To let myself be known completely (even the shadowy and broken parts.) It causes me anxiety and fear. I fear that I will be rejected, that I am not good enough, and that I may not be worthy of being loved. Can I trust someone else to meet my needs? 

The paradox is inescapable, but I get to choose. I choose to face the fears with courage. I choose vulnerability in the hope of creating the healthy connections I need in my life.

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10k

Being authentic is always enough

I am not entirely sure what to say right now. I wrote #79 last month to mark view number 5,000 for Canffirmations. I decided that I would do something again when it reached 10k views. I wanted the post to be a good one. At the time I estimated that would occur somewhere around July or August if things continued as they were so I figured I had plenty of time to come up with something.  Instead it reached that mark sometime early this morning and I have been trying to figure out what to say all day. I have given up on trying to say anything amazing, but I would like to share a few thoughts about what the experience of writing these affirmations and sharing them has been like for me. I found something to affirm for myself in each of them. 

I recognize and take opportunities to be grateful

The first and most important thing is to thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the comments. I know that commenting has a certain level of vulnerability attached to it and I am grateful for your willingness to share your thoughts and wisdom with me. Thank you for walking along beside me on this journey. I am ever hopeful that what I share provides something useful for you in your own journey, and for that reason reaching this milestone encourages me to continue writing and sharing. Thank you.

I am practicing authenticity and vulnerability

Vulnerability and authenticity is HARD to do. I have surrendered the idea of being it, but it is something I continue to try and practice each day. I practice being authentic in my emotional experiences both with myself and in sharing them with others, I practice reminding myself that I am enough, I practice letting my walls down so I can connect with others. Sometimes the practice feels somewhat effortless and exciting, but most of the time it is a grueling lesson I am needing to learn again and again, and I have to glance back to see that I have actually made progress. 

My story is important

Stories are important. Telling little pieces of my story has allowed me to see how in the process of telling it and retelling it, I learn something about myself and make sense of my experiences. In addition, it allows me to begin fully owning my story and choosing how I will write the ending. 

I have learned how inspiring the stories of others are. The affirmations and unique voices that each of the guest posters brought here has added a depth and richness that I could never have accomplished on my own. I believe that everyone has a voice and a story worth telling. The weaving together of our stories creates a beautiful tapestry that binds us tightly together and gives us strength and support to courageously keep walking our paths. 

I am always learning

I have a lot to learn. The more willing I have been to open myself up to learn the lessons that life has to teach me, the more I see how little I really know and how much I have yet to learn. Seeing this has allowed me to take a more holistic approach to situations where I can now breathe and avoid going into crises mode anytime a challenge is presented. I can see more clearly the lessons I have to learn from my experiences, but also recognize that there will always be more to learn. I am human, I have a lot to learn, I am enough right where I am, and it is a long journey.  

I am never alone when I allow my journey to be witnessed

Walking together is so much nicer! As vulnerable as I feel expressing myself in this way it has created a safe place for me to walk my path in authenticity. A place where I can share exactly where I am at in my journey and affirm the things I am working on. It is a place where I can practice taking off the mask and being seen. Each time I do that I find support here from those who are willing to witness my journey and walk beside me for a time. 

Thank you for walking with me today.

Trust Issues

I can share myself with others

I have trust issues. I wish I could say it only ran as deep as a distrust of cookies, but the consequences of those issues on me are far more severe. I have been told before that there are people who realize they have trust issues and those who do not realize they have trust issues. I suppose that should give me a feeling of relief that I am not the only one- but not so much. I still feel alone in those times when I struggle to trust others enough to share with them what I am experiencing.

I would guess that how I respond to those trust issues is different from how others may react,  but the way I respond is through withdrawing. I cut myself off from others in an effort to self protect. I do this most frequently when I feel strong emotions that I have labeled as negative. I felt really sad today. I have a variety of things going on, but it is not as if one terrible event triggered the emotion. I am not a stranger to that type of sadness because depression runs in my family and I have experienced these feelings of deep sadness for many years. It was only recently that I recognized that  my basement for those emotions was a bit darker, deeper, and harder to get out of than for most people. 

Sadness is one of those emotions that I have learned to label as negative. My perception of that emotion is that nobody wants to be around someone like that. Sadness is something to be shoved down, avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. I should buck-up and have a stiff upper lip. Nobody wants to hear me complain. Thus, partnered with my issues of trust I have learned not to talk about that particular feeling. 

So here I sit, alone, withdrawn, and still in my sadness because I have been unwilling to share it. I have had multiple texts this evening from friends, loved ones who have tried to engage and talk with me, but I got in my own way and blocked myself from the very thing that could help me connect and move through that emotion. I understand the risks of being vulnerable because that opens myself up for being hurt. Unfortunately there is no amount of safety that others can provide for me that will prove trust- I give it, or I don't. I did not tonight and although a part of me thinks that kept me safe all it did was keep me alone and shut-off. 

Today I will start to choose to trust in others and believe that I can share myself with them- flawed, imperfect, human...sad, and that I am still enough. If I am authentic with who I am and how I feel, I open myself up to potentially be hurt, but I also open myself up to be loved and understood. 

Kiss it Better (Guest Post - Jonathan)

It is my pleasure to introduce a guest post by Jonathan Taylor. As a licensed clinical social worker he has seen the power of stories and their ability to free us, or keep us trapped in old patterns. They help make meaning from our experiences. His blog is a place where he can share some of his stories and hopefully inspire others to share theirs as well. I am grateful for his willingness to share one of those stories here.

My pain is real, it is valid, it has impacted me,

and it is a valuable avenue for me

to find the connection and meaning I seek

with those who's relationships I value the most

I have a three year old little boy, he is sweet, thoughtful, smart, and full of life. About two weeks ago, he was playing with some friends and stepped on a thumb tack. He was quickly comforted by the neighbor who's house it was and he was back to playing in no time.

He and I have a little tradition each morning- because of scheduling demands at work, a few nights a week, I am in the office past his bedtime. In the morning when he wakes up, we sit on the living room couch and he tells me about what he did the previous day. The morning after he stepped on the tack he came out of his room limping and whimpering and told me that he, "stepped on a thumb yesterday." He often tells my wife and I about little hurts or discomforts- some emotional and some physical- and the expected response is: "Can I kiss it better?"

I didn't know what had happened the night before- so I didn't know what, "I stepped on a thumb yesterday" meant, but I responded as he expected, "I'm sorry buddy, can I kiss it better?" We took care of the hurt with a kiss and his limp was miraculously gone.

As I thought about our exchange later that day, I laughed at what I perceived as some dramatization on his part- clearly his foot didn't hurt enough to legitimately warrant a limp, a kiss made it all better. Then it struck me- he didn't want help with any physical pain- he wanted acknowledgement that his pain was real and that it impacted him at one point in time.

I often tell myself, "I am over it, it doesn't hurt anymore" and I don't tell the story of my pain to anyone. I miss out on an opportunity to connect and to have my experience recognized and validated when I only share pain that I currently feel.

My pain is real, it is valid, it has impacted me, and it is a valuable avenue for me to find the connection and meaning I seek with those who's relationships I value the most.

Alone in a Crowd

I am willing to reach out and be open when I need connection with others

Yesterday I had dinner with several of my siblings to indirectly celebrate one of my sister's birthday. She is not a big fan of making a big deal out of it so when one of the servers asked what occasion brought us all together (I have a lot of siblings, nieces, nephews...) he looked a bit surprised and confused when we said it was to celebrate tax day. 

I was surrounded by people I know love me for who I am, and yet I felt disconnected and alone. The isolation was not because I was sitting at the end of the table, or because I am unable to be authentic around them, but it was because I was withdrawn and unwilling to reach out. I had ample opportunity to take advantage of support and understanding but there are times when I need to take the first step in being real and asking for what I need. Being connected is not about being around people, but rather the process of willingly showing up and letting myself be seen. 

Looking back at some of my previous posts and reflecting on my journey has highlighted for me some of the key lessons I have to learn. I can see that I often have themes that continue to pop up that I need to address. I frequently have to learn the same lesson several times before it begins to sink in. I can see that recognizing my needs and being courageous enough to reach out for help when I need it is an important lesson and that I must continue to make that a part of my daily practice. Yesterday I kept to myself and lost that important opportunity to truly connect. Today I will take advantage of those opportunities and reach out for the connection I need. 

What do you need today in order to feel connected?

Letting Go and Loving (Guest Post - Jackie)

It is my pleasure to introduce another excellent guest blogger. Jackie Pack is a licensed clinical social worker and although her blog simplecourage has only been online a month, the writing reflects years of wisdom in both walking her own path of authenticity, and helping others walk their own. I was once accused of thinking like her and I took it as a gracious compliment.

My Ability to Love
 Is Greater than any 
Wound I will Experience

Life is challenging…I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s supposed to be.  I believe that every person struggles and nobody is exempt from difficulties.  I believe that people do their best with the skills they have and that the world breaks everyone. 

There was a time in my life when the idea of getting married and bringing children into this world created a lot of anxiety.  I didn’t feel capable of bringing a child into a world I knew could be so harsh and cruel and helping them navigate through it.  Fortunately for me, my husband isn’t the kind who gives up easily and loved me until I felt safe enough to love him back.  Three years after we were married, our first of four daughters was born.  Suddenly, the world seemed a different place; what was once harsh and cruel now seemed to hold such beauty and hope.  I had no idea that this level of love lived inside me.  I loved seeing the world through my daughter’s eyes as they made each new discovery; the feel of grass on bare feet for the first time, figuring out how to sound out words or mastering that multiplication problem.

My daughter’s ages now span from 17 years to 10 years old.  They’re old enough to have experienced heart break.  To learn for themselves that life can be cruel.  One of the lessons I hope they are also learning is best summed up by Pink:  “we’re not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again.”

I still get lost at times.  Unsure. Scared. Sad. I still have days where I need to be reminded to let go and to open up.  As I go through all kinds of feelings and experiences in my journey through life---surprise, delight, chagrin, dismay, betrayal and disappointment, I hold this question as a guiding light:  “What do I really need right now to be happy?”  What I come to over and over again is that only qualities as vast and deep as love, connection and kindness will really make me happy in any sort of enduring way. 

Vulnerability, authenticity and connection

Risking my vulnerability is worth it

Two days ago I struggled to write the post Muddy Waters. As soon as I submitted it I immediately felt vulnerable.  What was I thinking? Nobody is going to care or relate to that.  What's the point? Why do I keep putting myself out there like that? My doubt and shame gremlins came out to play in droves.  I started obsessing over how many views the post was getting. By mid-morning of the next day I saw that nobody had commented yet and I let all my doubts take root.  I was relieved when I checked my email and saw that Stephanie had sent her guest post because I was still not ready to put myself out there again.  

Then the amazing happened. Within the next few hours God (insert Karma, the universe, providence, a Higher Power) showed up for me through the grace and vulnerability of others.  It started with a conversation I had with a friend who has recently started blogging. She said that after writing her second post she had a new appreciation for the vulnerability it creates when you write from a place of authenticity. She was able to connect with my experiences and understand what I was feeling. 

A few hours later I got an email from a fellow blogger who expressed how hard it is to write personal affirmations and how she had to constantly fight the pull to make generalized statements instead of owning her own story. Her email was full of support, empathy and sincerity.

Next I logged on to this site and read 3 incredibly open and vulnerable comments that resonated deeply with me. They reflected the same level of vulnerability as I had put into the post. In that moment I felt deep connection with each of them. I felt a connection with my authentic self, my Higher Power, humanity. I could feel myself as one of the threads of life woven into everything around me. I felt purposeful, inspired...understood. 

My story suddenly seemed to matter and have meaning. My understanding and perspective on this experience shifted. What I had experienced and done was not wasted. My story was worth sharing. Gratitude started to well up. The gremlins were vanquished! I took a mental note that the next time the risk of vulnerability came I was going to face it (feeling it now). I was going to embrace it and remember that it is worth it.

Vulnerability seems to be the first thing we look for in others and the last thing we want to show. I am not sure that I will ever feel so secure that the fear of being vulnerable will go away. Those gremlins will make another visit, I will doubt and feel the rawness of being open and sharing my story. I will probably have times where I fumble through it or run and hide, but I have seen what vulnerability can offer and I am going to keep taking that risk. I am going to be courageous!

The outcome is probably not always going to be an instant or overwhelming payoff like it was in this experience, but if I want true connection and to walk my path with authenticity, it is going to involve vulnerability - lots of it. I choose vulnerability with all of the inherent risks and uncertainty. It is my doorway to authenticity and connection. I will walk through it with boldness.    

See me

I am willing to be seen

Markers, pens, crayons, pencils, lipstick, anything that might be seen as an implement of expression for my daughter's artistic vision is a dangerous item to be left within reach or climbing distance. I love that she enjoys drawing, I just sometimes wish she did not see the world as her canvas.  Her creations are not limited to paper but may at times be found on a wall, book, the TV screen, counter-top, or her own body.  I once caught her in the act of expressing herself with a green highlighter all over her face and legs.  When I looked at her she put her hand up and said, "no see me Dad, no see me."

I sometimes make mistakes that take more than a little soap and water to wash off.  I have times when I do not want to be seen.  No see my... fear, shame, weakness, mistakes, pain, broken places... 

I put up my hands and try to hide. But even when I am hiding what I really want is to be seen.  I want to be seen even in my mistakes and pain.  I want someone to see me and not turn away.  Until I open myself to be seen completely in all my imperfections I will never have the experience of being truly connected. I will put down my hands and let myself be witnessed, trusting that what is seen is worthy of being loved and understood. 

Learning to grunt and point

I am expressing my needs

My 2 year old daughter has recently become increasingly more vocal.  It is cute to watch her get excited and string some words together to try and express herself.  For a long time she has understood perfectly what others say to her but she chose not to talk much.  Instead of speaking she had an intricate series of sounds and hand gestures that she used to communicate.  A grunt here, a point there, mix in a full handed finger wave and whatever she needed was hers. 

At that age it is crucial to express herself, whether it is with words, tears, or pointing, because she is reliant upon others to meet all of her basic needs.  As she grows older she will become more self-sufficient and capable of taking care of herself.  However, no matter how old she gets, the desire for  connection will require that she rely on somebody else to meet that need.  At times I am far less effective at communicating my needs that my daughter was when all she did was grunt and point.

I struggle to express emotion.  A few days ago I was feeling some strong emotions and I had to work on expressing them.  I took the step of trying to express them with someone I wanted to connect with, but when I did not get the response that I wanted I withdrew.  Instead of communicating what I needed I shut down.  To have the intimacy and connection with others that I want, it takes not only expressing how I feel, but expressing how I need others to meet my needs.  In that moment I just needed someone to listen to me as I explored my emotions.  It was not until after I tried again the next day that I took the risk to ask for what I really needed from the conversation.  Being vulnerable and expressing that allowed me to be open with what I felt and needed, and it showed trust that the other person could, and would want to meet my needs.

Today I can clearly express my needs to others and I will trust that they can meet those needs.  This vulnerability and openness will also provide opportunities for the connection and intimacy I desire with others. Until I ask for what I need, in the way that I need it, I can not expect my needs to be met.  

Fairytale falsehoods

I am fully committed

 

 

 I have often fancied myself a bit of a romantic.  On more than one occasion I have organized mega dates that were planned out to the finest detail.  I could imagine everything unfolding perfectly in my mind.  My idealism was fueled by movies, music, and stories that portrayed the quintessential love story of happily ever after.... lies, lies, lies.

M. Scott Peck noted that mental health increases as we pursue reality at all costs.  Romanticism is the idealism of life and relationships, by definition it's antonym is realism.  I understand the appeal of feeling like once love is found the struggle ends and everything else is easy. All you need is love, right?  After experiencing 16 years beyond were a typical movie would run the end credits, I can conclude that those idealistic views of relationships are unrealistic.  Nobody rides off into the sunset on a white horse with their prince or princess.  The truth is not always very popular and does not sell out box offices, but the reality is relationships are hard work.  To realize the ultimate potential of what a relationship can promise requires more than expressing love, it requires vulnerability and the willingness to fully commit.   

Fully committing to another person means that I am willing to witness their journey, their joy and pain, successes and failures, to see their humanness and let them see mine.  It is a commitment that must be made again and again and especially when things are difficult.  This is the type of commitment to vulnerability that creates true connection.   I have yet to find any romantic ideal in music, literature, or film that can match it.  The transcendent beauty of knowing, and being known authentically in all its' imperfection and messiness is unparalleled.  Today and everyday I am committed to relationships based on finding true connection, not a fairytale ending. 

Masks are for Halloween

I am willing to be known

There are many faces I can put on when I choose to protect myself from others.  I can fake happy, hard-working, put-together, sort-of cool, professional, or whatever I think I should be or feel in a particular situation.  The masks let me pretend while I secretly feel completely lost and afraid.  The illusions I create by hiding behind masks can rob me of opportunities.  They can keep my authentic self trapped, stunt my emotional growth, and keep me disconnected from others.  This can be reinforced in subtle ways everyday.

"How are you?"
"I'm fine...."

How many times each day do I hide, even from the people I want to be connected with? I sometimes choose to ignore my feelings or put on a mask for fear of being a burden to others, whiny, weak, dramatic, unaccepted, or discovered as a fraud.  When I live in fear of what people might think if I share my true feelings I will always be running from myself and keeping others at a distance. The vulnerability I feel when I am authentic is powerful. It can reveal to me what I need, the courage I need to face what I fear, where I am injured and require healing, how I can nurture myself and allow others I trust to nurture me. It opens the door to freedom and connection.  No amount of protection is worth creating a barrier that will forever cut me off from the connection I desire and deserve. I am taking the masks off and choosing to be vulnerable and authentic. 

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Crying in the dark

I can share my feelings with others

I have come to realize that my emotions have a heavy sway on my life.  I think that ever since I was a child I was keenly sensitive to the feelings of myself and others.  Emotions are what makes me human and gives richness to my life, but knowing what to do with them has not always been my strong suit. 

I learned a few things about my emotions growing up, not all of which have helped me cope with them competently.  I learned as a kid that I should only feel certain emotions, and no matter what I was feeling there are very strict rules about expressing them.  I learned to ignore certain emotions, hide others, and I even learned to shame myself if I felt a certain way.  I learned in school to ignore my feelings if they did not match what I thought.  I started to question the way I had often made decisions based on my "gut" and this further disconnected me from my emotions.  I did not learn until much later in life that I was exhibiting symptoms of chronic depression from a very early age and that not everyone feels emotion the same way I always had.  

Middle School was a rough time for me and I often endured bullying along with the normal awkwardness that comes for all kids that age.  My parents had a collection of records from the Time Life Classical Composers series.  Nothing spoke to the depths of my sorrow and struck the chords of sadness like Grieg could.  Sometimes after school I would go down into the basement, turn off the lights and listen to one song over and over in the dark.  I would lay on the floor and cry as the music and my emotions crashed over me in waves.  I was learning that certain emotions should be experienced alone, and kept to myself.  Some of these lessons have stuck with me and I am now working to unlearn them.  

Isolation and putting on masks to hide how I am feeling does not work for me anymore.  I can not live an authentic life or develop the type of deep and meaningful connections with others I want unless I am willing to share how I feel.  This does not mean I do it indiscriminately or without purpose, but with those I trust I must learn to share all of me and that includes the emotions I have always kept hidden.  Sharing them helps me gain perspective, receive support and guidance, bonds me with others and relieves me of the burden of carrying around unresolved emotions.  

I have had some of those feelings this week I had previously learned to hide.  I have been more withdrawn and it has affected many areas of my life.  I stopped writing here for a couple of days and isolated myself from others.  I am fortunate to have the encouraging support of friends and family whose reaching out during that time, unbeknownst to them, helped me find a way to express my feelings and come up from the basement of my childhood and find voice for my emotions. 

Story time

I can share my story with others

Walking the path of authenticity is brutal sometimes.  Most of the month of February has been tough and this past week especially.  I faced challenges I did not expect, my health has been under attack, and a myriad of tiny problems piled on one after another.  I know the path I have chosen is not an easy one, but I still have a difficult time keeping my head up when things get heavy.

I used to have a reoccurring nightmare where I had to get away from some sort of danger and it was as if I was running in slow motion.  My feet felt as if they were trapped in cement and the feeling of helplessness and frustration is overwhelming.  It has felt like that for me lately and I hate it.  I hate talking about it even more.

My experiences can benefit others only if I am willing to share my story.  It is not because I have answers but rather it is because when I am transparent I validate the struggles of others and affirm that I am enough.  I hope that everyone has experienced that rare and valuable moment when someone you think has everything together stops pretending and shares openly.  In that moment of honesty true connection is forged and strengthens the hearts of us all.  When I share not just my victories but also my vulnerabilities it can bring hope and courage to continue on our journeys. 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."  Brene Brown

Keep showing up

I am enough when I show up for others and authentically connect however I can

My eldest daughter and I have a lot of similarities emotionally.  We both have feelings that run strong, deep, and often under the surface.  I think that is sometimes why we run into difficulties.

Tonight I had some things I wanted to get done and I had asked her and her sisters for some help with cleaning up their toys and getting ready for bed.  After the 4th or 5th reminder my patience had run dry and I decided that everyone was going to bed.  From that point I started to get increasingly frustrated as they dragged their feet and began to growl and grumble.  I raised my voice and I hate doing that.  It didn't help the situation and I decided I needed a time-out before things got worse.

I shut myself in my bedroom and laid down.  I could feel the swirl of emotions right in the center of my chest.  It feels hot and my chest tightens and makes it hard for me to breathe evenly.  It was the shame of feeling like I am a failure as a parent.  The irrational self-talk started and I thought how awful it was that I lost my patience and yelled at them.  In the background of that talk was the thought that I don't have what it takes and nobody else struggles like this.  I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I have no control.  That lack of control terrifies me at times.  I love my girls and hate 
the thought of feeling like I can't protect them or keep them from feeling pain.  As much as I recognize the need to make mistakes, learn from pain, and make choices that give me experience I want to shelter them from it.

I appealed to my Higher Power for some strength and to know how to approach my daughter.  I surrendered some of my need to control her and asked to understand how I could connect.  I felt gratitude as the feelings of shame lessened and after a few moments of collecting myself I went back and tried again.  I was not sure exactly what to say but I apologized for raising my voice and asked how I could be better at understanding her.  She was open about what was frustrating her (I had forgotten a promise that we would talk about fun things to do on Monday because there is no school) and after talking for a few minutes I felt noticeably more relaxed and grateful we had a chance to understand each other.  She sat with me and I sang her favorite bedtime song and the rest of our evening routine went smoothly.

Just as I was leaving the room to get back to what I planned for the evening she asked if I would stay and lay down by her for awhile.  I was resistant because I knew if I did her youngest sister would get up and chances were good I would spend the next hour or more trying to get her to stay in bed and fall asleep.  I dodged the question by saying I needed to start the dishwasher first and "I'll think about it," which is often my way of saying no in a way that softens the blow for myself by not having to say it directly.

I started the dishwasher and then felt a little of the shame returning.  She had asked for something from me and although I would usually categorize it as a stalling tactic to keep from going to sleep right away I began to feel shame about it.  I realized that after being able to calm down and talk with her more calmly I might still in the end just be trying to control the situation well enough to get them all in bed so I could go back to my plans.  I decided to go back in and let her know in this small way that I would show up for her when she needs me to.

After laying next to her for a few minutes she asked me in a whisper if I knew how to get someone to stop being a bully.  She has said a few things in the past about having trouble with a couple of her classmates but over the next 30 minutes we had a conversation that was much more detailed in what was happening and how that was affecting her at school.  I was deeply grateful for that moment.  I was also surprised that I was able to respond in a way that was primarily supportive and understanding instead of just wanting to fix it for her and keep it from every happening again.  We discussed what to do next and I felt so proud of who she is and deep gratitude for my stewardship as her father.  I really hope I don't screw it up....

Mere minutes after that deeply connecting experience with her I was thinking about how close I came to missing that opportunity to be there for her and wondering how many previous chances I have missed over the years.  Instead of focusing on what had happened and the connection we made I was creating a story of all the things I have not done.  If I stay focused on that story instead of feeling like I am enough by showing up for her and loving her as best I can, then I am going to get stuck in shame that is focused on me instead of how I can connect with her and be what she needs me to be on her own journey.  I think if I keep showing up for her and focus on how I am taking opportunities to connect with her it is enough.  The shame of always focusing on what I lack or have not done won't help me be sensitive and present for those moments because I will be too distracted by the fear of failure.  Today I will recognize I am enough and stay focused on seizing opportunities to show up for others and authentically connect with them.  

As always I am grateful to you for reading, for sharing, and for supporting. 

BFF's

I am fostering healthy relationships

I spent some time tonight connecting with a few of my brothers.  They are not the brothers I am fortunate to be related through blood, they are ones that were forged through bonds of vulnerability, openness, trust and support.  It is a rare and valuable gift to have someone that you can count on when things are good and especially when the road gets rough and your flaws are open for all to see. 

Feeling connection and intimacy is crucial for my well being. Just being around someone does not necessarily fill that need.  I may even find ways that seem to meet my needs temporarily, but ultimately leave me unfulfilled.  Real connection can not be counted by how many friends I have on facebook or the number of times someone "likes" my status updates.

I will seek out and nurture relationships that are healthy and fulfilling.  I will build them on the foundations of vulnerability, trust, honesty, compassion, reciprocation, and love.  Who can accept all of me, even the dark parts of my story?  Who can I be most myself when I am around them? 

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I am authentic and vulnerable

I do not like to admit I'm wrong, I hate making mistakes, and I struggle being vulnerable.  Why is that so painful for me to do? 

My answer to that discomfort is to isolate, to run and hide. I have masks that I can put on in any situation.  I do it to protect myself but it does not work for me anymore.  Transparency reveals the true me and allows it to emerge.

We all carry secrets. I think most of us believe that our imperfections and mistakes are somehow much worse than everyone else's and that if anyone knew how could we ever be loved? We create masks and illusions of the great and powerful Oz while our true self gets shoved behind a curtain where it withers. It is simply exhausting trying to always pretend.

Honesty, vulnerability, authenticity and letting go of all the secrets strips away the illusions that I hide behind. I am worthy and lovable in all of my imperfections and when I am courageous in that vulnerability with others it can create true compassion and connection.  I am willing to risk the pain of vulnerability for the exquisite connection that emerges from authenticity. 

Better together

I am strengthened by my bonds with others

I have not been able to ride my motorcycle for 2 weeks.  Not because I think it's too cold but I seem to have an electrical problem and I am having trouble getting it started.  Beyond knowing it's probably electrical I do not have the first idea what is wrong or how to go about fixing it. 

I have often tried to go it alone in life.  Somewhere along my path I think I picked up the idea that I'm supposed to be able to figure things out and do it all on my own.  When I run into something that I am unable to do it frustrates me.  The last thing I want is to ask someone for help.  Even when help is offered I often turn it down. 

It feels deeply satisfying to help others and to share my gifts with them or assist others along their path.  Why do I deny that opportunity to others by refusing to ask for help when I need it?

I am learning that my greatest strength comes from the threads that tie me together with others. The things I value most in this life have not been accomplished on my own working in solitude or relying upon my own strength. When I recognize the need to work with others toward a common goal I see the foolishness of believing that I have to rely only on myself or that it is weakness to ask for help. A single thread is easily broken but when woven together with others grows in strength exponentially becoming powerful and unbreakable. 

I am very excited that help has been offered to fix my bike and I am gratefully accepting it knowing that it strengthens us both.  I'm grateful for everyone I know that is willing to reach out to assist me along my path.  It is so much nicer walking together!

!@*# & Ice cream

I take time for what matters

A few months ago I taught my oldest child curse words.  She just started first grade and she had several times asked about what the bad words are.  My thinking was that it would be better for her to hear them in context, understand what they mean, and some reasons for not using them rather than have them come from a classmate.  I can still recall an experience in sixth grade when I spent most of the day calling everyone a bastard because I had heard it on a movie and thought it sounded cool. 

I decided to take her out on a daddy-daughter date and get some ice cream so I could answer all of her curse word related questions.  She started by asking what the A word was.  I told her what it was, explained what it meant and why it is a swear word.  She seemed to be enjoying it and next asked what the B word was. I had to explain to her after a few letters that their isn't a curse word for every letter in the alphabet.  We went and made our own ice cream concoctions at the store and then headed home.  It probably only lasted 30 minutes but she has brought up our "ice cream trip" many times since that day and colored several pictures for me to hang in my office. 

It is nice having a little time off for the holidays.  I often catch myself looking forward to breaks and making big plans for all of the things I want to do.  In a flash the break is over and I find that I spent far too much time playing words with friends or something else that I can't remember a day later.  Taking 30 minutes to create and experience, or connect with someone you love can make a lasting and powerful memory.  It almost seems like that time is enlarged and captured permanently in my mind.  Today I will take time for what matters.