"Daddy my head hurts"

I attend to the needs of my whole self

My eldest daughter has recently been suffering from headaches. She has often come home from school complaining that her head hurts. I thought maybe she was not eating enough or drinking enough water. The complaints continued no matter what advice was given for her to try. A few days ago she spent most of the night awake with severe pain and every time I gave her medicine she would throw it back up.

It is a very frustrating and painful feeling for me when my children experience something hard that I feel helpless to fix. I had heard that using essential oils had helped some people with recurring headaches so the next morning I went to a neighbors house to borrow some. We talked for a bit and at one point she asked me if my daughter was a worrier. Suddenly everything started to click together.

I was looking at the situation as a very specific physical problem and had narrowed my frame of vision to only see certain things. I began to realize I was only tending to the symptoms of what was likely a much deeper need. I borrowed a blend of oil called "letting go" and went back home. She was propped up in bed on a mound of pillows looking perfectly miserable. She said the four words I had heard frequently, "Daddy my head hurts."

I sat down and started rubbing her feet using a little of the oil I had borrowed. I then started to talk to her about how she was feeling. I told her that I have had experiences where my emotions made it so my body felt bad because I was holding them in. I asked her about how she felt inside and what was going on in school lately. She started to talk and did not stop for 20 minutes. After about 5 minutes I could see something shift and when she had finished I asked her how her head was. She said she felt better and was ready to go do something fun. I let her know how proud I was of her for sharing how she was feeling inside and that I was happy that she could express it to me. We talked about some of the things I practice doing to express my emotions. She especially liked the idea of writing about them. Together we went to the store and bought her a journal and some stickers to decorate it. We talked about how she could use it to express what she was feeling and she asked me if drawing pictures was something she could do to express them. "What a fantastic idea!" I said. It was hard seeing her draw herself with tears of sadness but I was also overwhelmed with gratitude that I was able to be a witness and support for what she is going through.

My mind, body, and emotions are not separate systems. When I ignore any of them it is to my own detriment. If I ignore my emotions long enough by holding them in, denying, or numbing them; eventually they will find a way to force me to face them. I think of the many times I have gotten sick by not dealing with the stress in my life or the variety of nagging aches and pains that seemingly have no explanation. Today I will recognize my whole self and care for the variety of needs I have mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and in each of the other areas of my life.

9/11

 My emotions are valuable and I attend to them

Twelve years ago I had the opportunity to teach my first class. 13 students and I met 3 times per week in a small office building located off campus. The class started at 7am and I relied on an office administrative assistant to unlock the building each morning. Just a few weeks into class I arrived one morning to find the doors still locked. My anxiety began to rise as students showed up and I still had no classroom for us to meet in. 7 o'clock came and went with no sign of help. I had what I deemed important information to share and I couldn't bring myself to even consider cancelling class. The temperature was crisp and without anywhere to sit the parking lot seemed to be no place to hold a college class. 

One of the students mentioned they worked at a local grocery store so I made the executive decision to move class to the deli/bakery section of the grocery store roughly a mile up the street. Everyone piled into their vehicles and we reconvened in a small cluster of red and white plastic tables with swivel chairs attached to them. I was more than a little bit distracted by the smell of fresh donuts, the droning of Musak on the speakers overhead and the quizzical looks of grocery shopper passers-by. I dutifully trudged forward doing my best to facilitate an interesting discussion among the midst of constant distractions. I worried that what little credibility I might have with them was quickly diminishing. In addition to all of the constant distractions for the students I had the additional issue of having a wall mounted television on in the corner of the room facing me. A few minutes later I looked up to see a plane smash into the second tower of the World Trade Center. 

That moment is frozen in my mind along with a set of powerful emotions, some are personal to me and others are even shared collectively among many other people who experienced the tragedies and trauma of that day. Although I clearly remember that moment the rest of the details of that day are blurry.  As I tried to prepare for when class would meet again I knew that this was an experience that could not be ignored. Instead of what I had originally planned to cover on the syllabus we began class by talking about emotion and telling our stories of the impact of what was happening for each of them. It was a milestone in my development as a teacher but until today I had not thought about what that might also have taught me about the importance of attending to emotions.  

Emotions are a defining characteristic of the human experience. Even when they do not reach the level produced by trauma they are crucial to be recognized and addressed. Ignoring what I feel, or what I think and do based on those feelings is not an option for me if I want to live a healthy life. At times I have tried to bury many of the strong emotions I have felt and they inevitably rise up from the ground like the walking dead, or come out sideways in unexpected and uncontrollable ways. No matter what I have wrongly learned about what emotions I should or should not express, which are acceptable to feel, or what I should think about myself based on what emotions I experience, I can no more ignore them than I can pretend that I didn't see that plane full of people explode as it flew into that building 12 years ago. I am learning how I feel emotion, how to express it in healthy ways, and how it can help me grow if I listen carefully to what it has to teach me. As I learn and practice those skills I will remember that my emotions are valuable and that I am committed to attending to them.

Trust Issues

I can share myself with others

I have trust issues. I wish I could say it only ran as deep as a distrust of cookies, but the consequences of those issues on me are far more severe. I have been told before that there are people who realize they have trust issues and those who do not realize they have trust issues. I suppose that should give me a feeling of relief that I am not the only one- but not so much. I still feel alone in those times when I struggle to trust others enough to share with them what I am experiencing.

I would guess that how I respond to those trust issues is different from how others may react,  but the way I respond is through withdrawing. I cut myself off from others in an effort to self protect. I do this most frequently when I feel strong emotions that I have labeled as negative. I felt really sad today. I have a variety of things going on, but it is not as if one terrible event triggered the emotion. I am not a stranger to that type of sadness because depression runs in my family and I have experienced these feelings of deep sadness for many years. It was only recently that I recognized that  my basement for those emotions was a bit darker, deeper, and harder to get out of than for most people. 

Sadness is one of those emotions that I have learned to label as negative. My perception of that emotion is that nobody wants to be around someone like that. Sadness is something to be shoved down, avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. I should buck-up and have a stiff upper lip. Nobody wants to hear me complain. Thus, partnered with my issues of trust I have learned not to talk about that particular feeling. 

So here I sit, alone, withdrawn, and still in my sadness because I have been unwilling to share it. I have had multiple texts this evening from friends, loved ones who have tried to engage and talk with me, but I got in my own way and blocked myself from the very thing that could help me connect and move through that emotion. I understand the risks of being vulnerable because that opens myself up for being hurt. Unfortunately there is no amount of safety that others can provide for me that will prove trust- I give it, or I don't. I did not tonight and although a part of me thinks that kept me safe all it did was keep me alone and shut-off. 

Today I will start to choose to trust in others and believe that I can share myself with them- flawed, imperfect, human...sad, and that I am still enough. If I am authentic with who I am and how I feel, I open myself up to potentially be hurt, but I also open myself up to be loved and understood. 

Learning to grunt and point

I am expressing my needs

My 2 year old daughter has recently become increasingly more vocal.  It is cute to watch her get excited and string some words together to try and express herself.  For a long time she has understood perfectly what others say to her but she chose not to talk much.  Instead of speaking she had an intricate series of sounds and hand gestures that she used to communicate.  A grunt here, a point there, mix in a full handed finger wave and whatever she needed was hers. 

At that age it is crucial to express herself, whether it is with words, tears, or pointing, because she is reliant upon others to meet all of her basic needs.  As she grows older she will become more self-sufficient and capable of taking care of herself.  However, no matter how old she gets, the desire for  connection will require that she rely on somebody else to meet that need.  At times I am far less effective at communicating my needs that my daughter was when all she did was grunt and point.

I struggle to express emotion.  A few days ago I was feeling some strong emotions and I had to work on expressing them.  I took the step of trying to express them with someone I wanted to connect with, but when I did not get the response that I wanted I withdrew.  Instead of communicating what I needed I shut down.  To have the intimacy and connection with others that I want, it takes not only expressing how I feel, but expressing how I need others to meet my needs.  In that moment I just needed someone to listen to me as I explored my emotions.  It was not until after I tried again the next day that I took the risk to ask for what I really needed from the conversation.  Being vulnerable and expressing that allowed me to be open with what I felt and needed, and it showed trust that the other person could, and would want to meet my needs.

Today I can clearly express my needs to others and I will trust that they can meet those needs.  This vulnerability and openness will also provide opportunities for the connection and intimacy I desire with others. Until I ask for what I need, in the way that I need it, I can not expect my needs to be met.  

Masks are for Halloween

I am willing to be known

There are many faces I can put on when I choose to protect myself from others.  I can fake happy, hard-working, put-together, sort-of cool, professional, or whatever I think I should be or feel in a particular situation.  The masks let me pretend while I secretly feel completely lost and afraid.  The illusions I create by hiding behind masks can rob me of opportunities.  They can keep my authentic self trapped, stunt my emotional growth, and keep me disconnected from others.  This can be reinforced in subtle ways everyday.

"How are you?"
"I'm fine...."

How many times each day do I hide, even from the people I want to be connected with? I sometimes choose to ignore my feelings or put on a mask for fear of being a burden to others, whiny, weak, dramatic, unaccepted, or discovered as a fraud.  When I live in fear of what people might think if I share my true feelings I will always be running from myself and keeping others at a distance. The vulnerability I feel when I am authentic is powerful. It can reveal to me what I need, the courage I need to face what I fear, where I am injured and require healing, how I can nurture myself and allow others I trust to nurture me. It opens the door to freedom and connection.  No amount of protection is worth creating a barrier that will forever cut me off from the connection I desire and deserve. I am taking the masks off and choosing to be vulnerable and authentic. 

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The Big 4

 I will feel everything while holding on to nothing

Healthy emotional expression is an ongoing struggle for me.  My tendency is to hold on to certain emotions by choosing not to express them.  Anger, sadness, fear, and loneliness are probably my big four. I define those emotions in negative terms and that is part of why I keep them to myself.

One of the ways I can change this is to start thinking about my emotions differently.  Anger can teach me what's important to myself, it can also be an expression of self-worth when my boundaries have been violated.  The tears of sadness can be cleansing and allow me to mourn loss and move on. If I allow myself to feel these emotions I can start to let them go.  If I hold on to them by not expressing them in healthy ways anger can morph into bitterness, and sadness may lead me into a feeling of despair or hopelessness.  Even an emotion I define in more positive terms like happiness can trap me in the past if I try to hold on to it and focus on what was, instead of what is.   

I have more work to do in this part of my journey.  For today I will be present through all my experiences, let my feelings flow through me, and then release them.