Taking down walls

I choose vulnerability and connection

The great paradox of all relationships is between the need for connection and the desire for self-protection. There have been moments when I have tried to have them both, but I have come to accept it is impossible. 

The walls I put up to keep myself safe from the harm others can cause, are the same that also keep me trapped and isolated.  That isolation turns to depression and loneliness. I might try to convince myself that if I trust no one I will never be hurt. No matter how much I may try to deny it, I am hard-wired for connection. Relationships bring purpose and meaning to my life and are important in my process of growth.

It takes vulnerability to connect. To let myself be known completely (even the shadowy and broken parts.) It causes me anxiety and fear. I fear that I will be rejected, that I am not good enough, and that I may not be worthy of being loved. Can I trust someone else to meet my needs? 

The paradox is inescapable, but I get to choose. I choose to face the fears with courage. I choose vulnerability in the hope of creating the healthy connections I need in my life.

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First day of class

I help others find their paths 

by walking my own authentically

Summer semester starts tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m.  I always have a rough time sleeping the night  before so I have some concern about how difficult it is going to be to get out of bed when the alarm sounds. Even after 12 years I still get some butterflies when I walk into the room on the first day. I have fewer nightmares that involve me showing up to class half way through the semester, being unprepared, or sans clothing, but the nerves are still there as an indication of how much I care about teaching. 

I do not profess to know the best way to teach but I have learned a few things about what does not produce desired effects. Demanding, manipulating, forcing, pretending as if I have their answers, or mandating behavior. I think the only way I can effectively teach is by creating a safe place where I invite others to exercise their choices, experiment with the discomfort of trying new things and making mistakes. I create that safety by showing up and letting myself be seen. I have to walk the path of my own personal truths and model the vulnerability, passion, curiosity, and honesty that I expect from them. 

Showing up with that level of authenticity is a difficult work in progress for me. It is much easier to hide behind a textbook, a degree, or someone else's words. It gets a little easier to be authentic when I remember that learning is not something that comes by memorizing facts and figures but that it is the process of being able to see more of our world. I can see that this can only happen if we are already aware of where we are starting from. We are all on different paths and in different places, but we have so much to learn from each other when we are open and authentic. 

I recognize and honor each of you today- parents, leaders, teachers, neighbors -walking your path with authenticity who are open to others and helping them to find how to walk in their own truths by courageously walking your own. 

Trust Issues

I can share myself with others

I have trust issues. I wish I could say it only ran as deep as a distrust of cookies, but the consequences of those issues on me are far more severe. I have been told before that there are people who realize they have trust issues and those who do not realize they have trust issues. I suppose that should give me a feeling of relief that I am not the only one- but not so much. I still feel alone in those times when I struggle to trust others enough to share with them what I am experiencing.

I would guess that how I respond to those trust issues is different from how others may react,  but the way I respond is through withdrawing. I cut myself off from others in an effort to self protect. I do this most frequently when I feel strong emotions that I have labeled as negative. I felt really sad today. I have a variety of things going on, but it is not as if one terrible event triggered the emotion. I am not a stranger to that type of sadness because depression runs in my family and I have experienced these feelings of deep sadness for many years. It was only recently that I recognized that  my basement for those emotions was a bit darker, deeper, and harder to get out of than for most people. 

Sadness is one of those emotions that I have learned to label as negative. My perception of that emotion is that nobody wants to be around someone like that. Sadness is something to be shoved down, avoided or gotten over as quickly as possible. I should buck-up and have a stiff upper lip. Nobody wants to hear me complain. Thus, partnered with my issues of trust I have learned not to talk about that particular feeling. 

So here I sit, alone, withdrawn, and still in my sadness because I have been unwilling to share it. I have had multiple texts this evening from friends, loved ones who have tried to engage and talk with me, but I got in my own way and blocked myself from the very thing that could help me connect and move through that emotion. I understand the risks of being vulnerable because that opens myself up for being hurt. Unfortunately there is no amount of safety that others can provide for me that will prove trust- I give it, or I don't. I did not tonight and although a part of me thinks that kept me safe all it did was keep me alone and shut-off. 

Today I will start to choose to trust in others and believe that I can share myself with them- flawed, imperfect, human...sad, and that I am still enough. If I am authentic with who I am and how I feel, I open myself up to potentially be hurt, but I also open myself up to be loved and understood. 

Lowering the Walls

I am breaking down the walls that imprison me

Life brings to everyone painful experiences that can leave deep wounds. When I feel hurt my first reaction is to protect myself. I may build walls as an attempt to keep me safe from feeling those pains again. 

A betrayal can lead me to build a wall of suspicion and distrust of all. Disappointment may suggest I should protect myself by extinguishing hope. In the beginning I may hate those walls and feel victimized by the unfairness of my circumstances. I might then learn to accept them as necessary and begin to view the world as a cruel place. Finally I may rely on them as the only way I have learned to live. 

Instead of protection to keep out the pain the walls I build can imprison me. Even when I have been hurt I can choose how I will define the experiences that shape me. I can break the walls down that keep me from experiencing all that life has to offer.

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy" -- Jim Rohn

Alone in a Crowd

I am willing to reach out and be open when I need connection with others

Yesterday I had dinner with several of my siblings to indirectly celebrate one of my sister's birthday. She is not a big fan of making a big deal out of it so when one of the servers asked what occasion brought us all together (I have a lot of siblings, nieces, nephews...) he looked a bit surprised and confused when we said it was to celebrate tax day. 

I was surrounded by people I know love me for who I am, and yet I felt disconnected and alone. The isolation was not because I was sitting at the end of the table, or because I am unable to be authentic around them, but it was because I was withdrawn and unwilling to reach out. I had ample opportunity to take advantage of support and understanding but there are times when I need to take the first step in being real and asking for what I need. Being connected is not about being around people, but rather the process of willingly showing up and letting myself be seen. 

Looking back at some of my previous posts and reflecting on my journey has highlighted for me some of the key lessons I have to learn. I can see that I often have themes that continue to pop up that I need to address. I frequently have to learn the same lesson several times before it begins to sink in. I can see that recognizing my needs and being courageous enough to reach out for help when I need it is an important lesson and that I must continue to make that a part of my daily practice. Yesterday I kept to myself and lost that important opportunity to truly connect. Today I will take advantage of those opportunities and reach out for the connection I need. 

What do you need today in order to feel connected?

Pendulum Swings

I am gentle in my attempts to find balance

I had the privilege of writing a guest post for my friend Stephanie over at visibleandreal today. It was a different type of writing than I do here and I found it to be a very raw and vulnerable experience. I shared a piece of myself through a story of when I was in kindergarten, and that level of openness can often lead me to something Brene Brown talks about as a "vulnerability hangover" (TED talk).

My first reaction to that feeling is that I want to withdraw and self-protect. It has the ability to throw me completely off kilter and I even found myself feeling a little noxious and my head started to pound. When I have intense emotions like that I often want to get out of them as quickly as possible. The tendency is to jump to the opposite end of the spectrum and it results in me over-correcting.  

Image source: ehow.com

I affirmed recently the need to find balance and as I started to think about how I was responding to my vulnerability. The knee-jerk reaction of withdrawing into myself does not leave me feeling balanced. Instead of finding a centered place I was swinging the pendulum back into an extreme. It reminded me of past experiences where I have lived from a place of deprivation such as neglecting basic self-care, and then going violently in the other direction by doing something like splurging on an expensive meal. It can look many different ways but the theme that it uncovers is that rather than finding a place of balance I am swinging back and forth between extremes. It makes it very difficult to walk my path of authenticity in a forward direction when I'm swaying dizzily back and forth. 

My practice and affirmation today is that when I am feeling unbalanced, rather than over-correcting and swinging drastically in the opposite direction I will trust in myself and others to meet my needs in healthy ways. Instead of withdrawing today I practiced staying in my vulnerability and reaching out for support. I took a nap. I stayed present and connected. I felt a little wobbly at first, but I feel far more centered now than if I had let myself go with my first panicked instinct to withdraw.

What area in your life needs a gentle correction to come back into balance? How do you practice being centered?

Vulnerability, authenticity and connection

Risking my vulnerability is worth it

Two days ago I struggled to write the post Muddy Waters. As soon as I submitted it I immediately felt vulnerable.  What was I thinking? Nobody is going to care or relate to that.  What's the point? Why do I keep putting myself out there like that? My doubt and shame gremlins came out to play in droves.  I started obsessing over how many views the post was getting. By mid-morning of the next day I saw that nobody had commented yet and I let all my doubts take root.  I was relieved when I checked my email and saw that Stephanie had sent her guest post because I was still not ready to put myself out there again.  

Then the amazing happened. Within the next few hours God (insert Karma, the universe, providence, a Higher Power) showed up for me through the grace and vulnerability of others.  It started with a conversation I had with a friend who has recently started blogging. She said that after writing her second post she had a new appreciation for the vulnerability it creates when you write from a place of authenticity. She was able to connect with my experiences and understand what I was feeling. 

A few hours later I got an email from a fellow blogger who expressed how hard it is to write personal affirmations and how she had to constantly fight the pull to make generalized statements instead of owning her own story. Her email was full of support, empathy and sincerity.

Next I logged on to this site and read 3 incredibly open and vulnerable comments that resonated deeply with me. They reflected the same level of vulnerability as I had put into the post. In that moment I felt deep connection with each of them. I felt a connection with my authentic self, my Higher Power, humanity. I could feel myself as one of the threads of life woven into everything around me. I felt purposeful, inspired...understood. 

My story suddenly seemed to matter and have meaning. My understanding and perspective on this experience shifted. What I had experienced and done was not wasted. My story was worth sharing. Gratitude started to well up. The gremlins were vanquished! I took a mental note that the next time the risk of vulnerability came I was going to face it (feeling it now). I was going to embrace it and remember that it is worth it.

Vulnerability seems to be the first thing we look for in others and the last thing we want to show. I am not sure that I will ever feel so secure that the fear of being vulnerable will go away. Those gremlins will make another visit, I will doubt and feel the rawness of being open and sharing my story. I will probably have times where I fumble through it or run and hide, but I have seen what vulnerability can offer and I am going to keep taking that risk. I am going to be courageous!

The outcome is probably not always going to be an instant or overwhelming payoff like it was in this experience, but if I want true connection and to walk my path with authenticity, it is going to involve vulnerability - lots of it. I choose vulnerability with all of the inherent risks and uncertainty. It is my doorway to authenticity and connection. I will walk through it with boldness.    

See me

I am willing to be seen

Markers, pens, crayons, pencils, lipstick, anything that might be seen as an implement of expression for my daughter's artistic vision is a dangerous item to be left within reach or climbing distance. I love that she enjoys drawing, I just sometimes wish she did not see the world as her canvas.  Her creations are not limited to paper but may at times be found on a wall, book, the TV screen, counter-top, or her own body.  I once caught her in the act of expressing herself with a green highlighter all over her face and legs.  When I looked at her she put her hand up and said, "no see me Dad, no see me."

I sometimes make mistakes that take more than a little soap and water to wash off.  I have times when I do not want to be seen.  No see my... fear, shame, weakness, mistakes, pain, broken places... 

I put up my hands and try to hide. But even when I am hiding what I really want is to be seen.  I want to be seen even in my mistakes and pain.  I want someone to see me and not turn away.  Until I open myself to be seen completely in all my imperfections I will never have the experience of being truly connected. I will put down my hands and let myself be witnessed, trusting that what is seen is worthy of being loved and understood. 

Fairytale falsehoods

I am fully committed

 

 

 I have often fancied myself a bit of a romantic.  On more than one occasion I have organized mega dates that were planned out to the finest detail.  I could imagine everything unfolding perfectly in my mind.  My idealism was fueled by movies, music, and stories that portrayed the quintessential love story of happily ever after.... lies, lies, lies.

M. Scott Peck noted that mental health increases as we pursue reality at all costs.  Romanticism is the idealism of life and relationships, by definition it's antonym is realism.  I understand the appeal of feeling like once love is found the struggle ends and everything else is easy. All you need is love, right?  After experiencing 16 years beyond were a typical movie would run the end credits, I can conclude that those idealistic views of relationships are unrealistic.  Nobody rides off into the sunset on a white horse with their prince or princess.  The truth is not always very popular and does not sell out box offices, but the reality is relationships are hard work.  To realize the ultimate potential of what a relationship can promise requires more than expressing love, it requires vulnerability and the willingness to fully commit.   

Fully committing to another person means that I am willing to witness their journey, their joy and pain, successes and failures, to see their humanness and let them see mine.  It is a commitment that must be made again and again and especially when things are difficult.  This is the type of commitment to vulnerability that creates true connection.   I have yet to find any romantic ideal in music, literature, or film that can match it.  The transcendent beauty of knowing, and being known authentically in all its' imperfection and messiness is unparalleled.  Today and everyday I am committed to relationships based on finding true connection, not a fairytale ending. 

Masks are for Halloween

I am willing to be known

There are many faces I can put on when I choose to protect myself from others.  I can fake happy, hard-working, put-together, sort-of cool, professional, or whatever I think I should be or feel in a particular situation.  The masks let me pretend while I secretly feel completely lost and afraid.  The illusions I create by hiding behind masks can rob me of opportunities.  They can keep my authentic self trapped, stunt my emotional growth, and keep me disconnected from others.  This can be reinforced in subtle ways everyday.

"How are you?"
"I'm fine...."

How many times each day do I hide, even from the people I want to be connected with? I sometimes choose to ignore my feelings or put on a mask for fear of being a burden to others, whiny, weak, dramatic, unaccepted, or discovered as a fraud.  When I live in fear of what people might think if I share my true feelings I will always be running from myself and keeping others at a distance. The vulnerability I feel when I am authentic is powerful. It can reveal to me what I need, the courage I need to face what I fear, where I am injured and require healing, how I can nurture myself and allow others I trust to nurture me. It opens the door to freedom and connection.  No amount of protection is worth creating a barrier that will forever cut me off from the connection I desire and deserve. I am taking the masks off and choosing to be vulnerable and authentic. 

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Story time

I can share my story with others

Walking the path of authenticity is brutal sometimes.  Most of the month of February has been tough and this past week especially.  I faced challenges I did not expect, my health has been under attack, and a myriad of tiny problems piled on one after another.  I know the path I have chosen is not an easy one, but I still have a difficult time keeping my head up when things get heavy.

I used to have a reoccurring nightmare where I had to get away from some sort of danger and it was as if I was running in slow motion.  My feet felt as if they were trapped in cement and the feeling of helplessness and frustration is overwhelming.  It has felt like that for me lately and I hate it.  I hate talking about it even more.

My experiences can benefit others only if I am willing to share my story.  It is not because I have answers but rather it is because when I am transparent I validate the struggles of others and affirm that I am enough.  I hope that everyone has experienced that rare and valuable moment when someone you think has everything together stops pretending and shares openly.  In that moment of honesty true connection is forged and strengthens the hearts of us all.  When I share not just my victories but also my vulnerabilities it can bring hope and courage to continue on our journeys. 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."  Brene Brown

BFF's

I am fostering healthy relationships

I spent some time tonight connecting with a few of my brothers.  They are not the brothers I am fortunate to be related through blood, they are ones that were forged through bonds of vulnerability, openness, trust and support.  It is a rare and valuable gift to have someone that you can count on when things are good and especially when the road gets rough and your flaws are open for all to see. 

Feeling connection and intimacy is crucial for my well being. Just being around someone does not necessarily fill that need.  I may even find ways that seem to meet my needs temporarily, but ultimately leave me unfulfilled.  Real connection can not be counted by how many friends I have on facebook or the number of times someone "likes" my status updates.

I will seek out and nurture relationships that are healthy and fulfilling.  I will build them on the foundations of vulnerability, trust, honesty, compassion, reciprocation, and love.  Who can accept all of me, even the dark parts of my story?  Who can I be most myself when I am around them? 

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

I am authentic and vulnerable

I do not like to admit I'm wrong, I hate making mistakes, and I struggle being vulnerable.  Why is that so painful for me to do? 

My answer to that discomfort is to isolate, to run and hide. I have masks that I can put on in any situation.  I do it to protect myself but it does not work for me anymore.  Transparency reveals the true me and allows it to emerge.

We all carry secrets. I think most of us believe that our imperfections and mistakes are somehow much worse than everyone else's and that if anyone knew how could we ever be loved? We create masks and illusions of the great and powerful Oz while our true self gets shoved behind a curtain where it withers. It is simply exhausting trying to always pretend.

Honesty, vulnerability, authenticity and letting go of all the secrets strips away the illusions that I hide behind. I am worthy and lovable in all of my imperfections and when I am courageous in that vulnerability with others it can create true compassion and connection.  I am willing to risk the pain of vulnerability for the exquisite connection that emerges from authenticity. 

Bulletproof

   

I am unshakably me

 Living an authentic life where I attempt to be transparent takes a daily commitment.  It also comes with certain risks. Taking off the mask and being true to who I am can feel scary and vulnerable. When I make that choice it leaves me open to the judgment and criticism of others. Even though I know I can only truly connect by being vulnerable it takes courage to do it.

It is easy for some people to hide behind walls of feigned acceptability, correctness, and self importance while they lob grenades of shame and fire off bullets of judgment at others. I may fear those attacks and want to retreat back behind the old walls of self-protection. I may even want to hide there and return the volley. But that would only  serve to trap me and keep me stuck in a battle where there can be no winner. As I walk boldly into that raging battle of words I realize that I am bulletproof. As I confidently and fearlessly continue walking my path of personal truth I echo the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."