Mother's Day

I am not alone in my struggles

I still feel like garbage, but today is the first day in a week that at least one of the symptoms of my sickness improved. When I just could not muster the energy or focus to write an affirmation the last few days I noticed how quickly I found myself moving into shame. I have committed to writing daily and when I fall short of that I tend to be hard on myself. Rather than treating myself with kindness and understanding of the circumstances I face I piled on blame for coming up short. My focus is on what I did not accomplish rather than my best efforts being enough. 

Today it also reminded me of a conversation I had not long ago with a mother who mentioned how some mothers hate this holiday. For some, Mother's Day might not be a day to celebrate the incredible sacrifice and love required of motherhood, but instead serves as a reminder of the ways they judge themselves as having come up short. The responsibility of raising another human being is not a small or unimportant task. Children are good at pushing the utmost limits of patience, compassion, sanity, sleep, and emotion. I would argue that to be perfect as a mother is clearly impossible but at the same time does not deter them from trying. Despite doing the best they possibly can, and going beyond what even seems humanly possible, it may still feel like failure when driven by those lofty expectations. 

I think that many of us feel this way in various aspects of our lives, whether it be as a parent, at work, in our relationships or communities. I also suspect that many of us feel alone in that shame. The messages around us seem to say that everyone else has got it together, that we are the only ones to struggle. 

Today I choose to believe that despite my struggles I am enough. I will also choose to be kind with myself as I make mistakes and learn from those experiences. As I do this I will be authentic with others so that I will not miss opportunities for connection and support as we all struggle along our paths together. 

Today I honor and recognize mothers, and all who are willing to give of themselves in striving greatly to love and care for others. 

See me

I am willing to be seen

Markers, pens, crayons, pencils, lipstick, anything that might be seen as an implement of expression for my daughter's artistic vision is a dangerous item to be left within reach or climbing distance. I love that she enjoys drawing, I just sometimes wish she did not see the world as her canvas.  Her creations are not limited to paper but may at times be found on a wall, book, the TV screen, counter-top, or her own body.  I once caught her in the act of expressing herself with a green highlighter all over her face and legs.  When I looked at her she put her hand up and said, "no see me Dad, no see me."

I sometimes make mistakes that take more than a little soap and water to wash off.  I have times when I do not want to be seen.  No see my... fear, shame, weakness, mistakes, pain, broken places... 

I put up my hands and try to hide. But even when I am hiding what I really want is to be seen.  I want to be seen even in my mistakes and pain.  I want someone to see me and not turn away.  Until I open myself to be seen completely in all my imperfections I will never have the experience of being truly connected. I will put down my hands and let myself be witnessed, trusting that what is seen is worthy of being loved and understood.