Mother's Day

I am not alone in my struggles

I still feel like garbage, but today is the first day in a week that at least one of the symptoms of my sickness improved. When I just could not muster the energy or focus to write an affirmation the last few days I noticed how quickly I found myself moving into shame. I have committed to writing daily and when I fall short of that I tend to be hard on myself. Rather than treating myself with kindness and understanding of the circumstances I face I piled on blame for coming up short. My focus is on what I did not accomplish rather than my best efforts being enough. 

Today it also reminded me of a conversation I had not long ago with a mother who mentioned how some mothers hate this holiday. For some, Mother's Day might not be a day to celebrate the incredible sacrifice and love required of motherhood, but instead serves as a reminder of the ways they judge themselves as having come up short. The responsibility of raising another human being is not a small or unimportant task. Children are good at pushing the utmost limits of patience, compassion, sanity, sleep, and emotion. I would argue that to be perfect as a mother is clearly impossible but at the same time does not deter them from trying. Despite doing the best they possibly can, and going beyond what even seems humanly possible, it may still feel like failure when driven by those lofty expectations. 

I think that many of us feel this way in various aspects of our lives, whether it be as a parent, at work, in our relationships or communities. I also suspect that many of us feel alone in that shame. The messages around us seem to say that everyone else has got it together, that we are the only ones to struggle. 

Today I choose to believe that despite my struggles I am enough. I will also choose to be kind with myself as I make mistakes and learn from those experiences. As I do this I will be authentic with others so that I will not miss opportunities for connection and support as we all struggle along our paths together. 

Today I honor and recognize mothers, and all who are willing to give of themselves in striving greatly to love and care for others. 

Trikonasana part 2

I am letting go of expectations

After focusing yesterday on fully committing I decided to go back to do another yoga session today. I felt more motivated and positive heading into the practice because I was committed to give my full effort. However, before the 90 minutes had even begun I started to think ahead. I worried about how my body would respond, if I would be able to hold the poses throughout, or if I would get dizzy again and have to take a break. After writing about fully committing and how much I dread triangle pose I had better do it this time!

Instead of being present in the moment I was building a mountain of expectations for me to climb. When I create a set of expectations I undermine my ability to be in the now and I set myself up for disappointment. Expectations create an arbitrary measuring stick that can determine wether I feel happy and successful, or disappointed and failure. This does not mean that I should give up trying to do my best, but rather that I surrender the need to control the outcomes. For example, if I set an expectation in my yoga practice that I should be able to go deeper into each pose than last time I might ignore where my body is and push it into strain or injury. Expectations ignore where I am at, and tell me only where I should be. Even when I have fully committed and given my very best, an unmet expectation tells me that I am not enough. 

When I am fully committed to a task and willing to give my full effort I can be okay with whatever the outcome is. Dropping expectations stops me from shoulding all over myself and others. It helps me to focus more on the process instead of the product.  Today I will let go of expectations and realize that my best effort is always enough.