Trikonasana part 2

I am letting go of expectations

After focusing yesterday on fully committing I decided to go back to do another yoga session today. I felt more motivated and positive heading into the practice because I was committed to give my full effort. However, before the 90 minutes had even begun I started to think ahead. I worried about how my body would respond, if I would be able to hold the poses throughout, or if I would get dizzy again and have to take a break. After writing about fully committing and how much I dread triangle pose I had better do it this time!

Instead of being present in the moment I was building a mountain of expectations for me to climb. When I create a set of expectations I undermine my ability to be in the now and I set myself up for disappointment. Expectations create an arbitrary measuring stick that can determine wether I feel happy and successful, or disappointed and failure. This does not mean that I should give up trying to do my best, but rather that I surrender the need to control the outcomes. For example, if I set an expectation in my yoga practice that I should be able to go deeper into each pose than last time I might ignore where my body is and push it into strain or injury. Expectations ignore where I am at, and tell me only where I should be. Even when I have fully committed and given my very best, an unmet expectation tells me that I am not enough. 

When I am fully committed to a task and willing to give my full effort I can be okay with whatever the outcome is. Dropping expectations stops me from shoulding all over myself and others. It helps me to focus more on the process instead of the product.  Today I will let go of expectations and realize that my best effort is always enough. 

Trikonasana

I am fully committed

My post yesterday on regret has given me a lot to think about and work on. In particular I have lamented my lack of physical self-care for some time. In particular I have hoped to get back to doing yoga on a regular basis. I have a hereditary form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis and yoga has been the most effective exercise for me in maintaining flexibility. When I have practiced it regularly I have felt healthier than anytime since high-school.

The only yoga I have ever practiced however is Bikram Yoga, often referred to as hot yoga. It is a 90 minute routine with 28 poses and 2 breathing exercises. The temperature is held somewhere between 105-110 degrees with humidity at about 40%. A towel is used over the yoga mat because of the profuse amount of sweating that occurs. It is without question one of the most intense workouts I have ever tried.  I hate it and love it. The benefits are tremendous, but at times I have lacked the motivation necessary to walk into the room.

After a year away from practicing it I finally made my way back today. I always learn a lot about myself during those 90 minutes and the thing I was reminded of most today was the need to be fully committed. Multiple times I found myself feeling physically strained to my limits. I wanted to give up and sometimes I did. There are a handful of poses that I feel confident with, and some others that I dread each time. In particular trikonasana (triangle pose) is one of my least favorites.

bikramyoga.com

I convinced myself that it was going to be too painful to finish, that I could not do it. I did not fully commit to the pose and ended up sitting out most of the set. I tried a little, or as Bart Simpson would have said, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." I held back and as soon as I felt the pain and resistance from my body I gave in.

When I make a determination to do something it is not important that I do it perfectly or even that I am able to complete it, it matters that I give a full commitment and hold nothing back. If I fully commit to a yoga pose I find that I am more capable than I imagined, I feel satisfied and at peace with myself both during and after, and I get the full benefit of having done it even if it was not anywhere near perfect. In Bikram they always refer to it as yoga practice. Perfection is not an option, there is always further to go. My practice will always look different depending on where my body is that day and how it responds. If I let go of my expectations of what the outcome is supposed to look like and simply commit to the process fully I will get exactly what I need from the experience.

There remain areas in my life that I have not fully committed to and given my full effort. The fear of making mistakes, not doing it right, failing, and the other things I imagine could go wrong are me getting in my own way. These keep me from realizing my full potential. If I am to walk my chosen path of personal growth I must do it authoritatively and wholeheartedly with nothing held back. When I approach the practice of yoga or life in that way I can realize that I am enough, and I can be at peace with whatever happens. My willingness and commitment is what matters most.

Committed

I am firmly committed

Working toward making the changes needed to reach my full potential is without question the hardest thing I have ever done. Old patterns and ways of thinking can be difficult to alter. Sometimes I get direct opposition to the things I want for myself.  At other times the danger comes from wanting to avoid the hard work it takes to accomplish my goals. There are even times when apathy or distractions keep me from focusing on where I want to go. Nothing of value comes without difficulty. 

When I look back a day, week, or years from now I want to remember this as a time I pushed through all of the potential barriers and made it through. It does not need to look perfect, I just need to persevere. I want to see that when I fell I got back up, when things got difficult I persevered, and that I stayed true to my authentic self. The only regrets I will hold is if I give up before my journey is finished. 

Today I commit to continue walking my path. 

"Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way." - Les Brown

Fairytale falsehoods

I am fully committed

 

 

 I have often fancied myself a bit of a romantic.  On more than one occasion I have organized mega dates that were planned out to the finest detail.  I could imagine everything unfolding perfectly in my mind.  My idealism was fueled by movies, music, and stories that portrayed the quintessential love story of happily ever after.... lies, lies, lies.

M. Scott Peck noted that mental health increases as we pursue reality at all costs.  Romanticism is the idealism of life and relationships, by definition it's antonym is realism.  I understand the appeal of feeling like once love is found the struggle ends and everything else is easy. All you need is love, right?  After experiencing 16 years beyond were a typical movie would run the end credits, I can conclude that those idealistic views of relationships are unrealistic.  Nobody rides off into the sunset on a white horse with their prince or princess.  The truth is not always very popular and does not sell out box offices, but the reality is relationships are hard work.  To realize the ultimate potential of what a relationship can promise requires more than expressing love, it requires vulnerability and the willingness to fully commit.   

Fully committing to another person means that I am willing to witness their journey, their joy and pain, successes and failures, to see their humanness and let them see mine.  It is a commitment that must be made again and again and especially when things are difficult.  This is the type of commitment to vulnerability that creates true connection.   I have yet to find any romantic ideal in music, literature, or film that can match it.  The transcendent beauty of knowing, and being known authentically in all its' imperfection and messiness is unparalleled.  Today and everyday I am committed to relationships based on finding true connection, not a fairytale ending. 

More than a one-month gym membership

 I am committed to the process of change

I rarely set resolutions for the new year.  Occasionally I have silently thought that if it isn't too difficult and I have enough time maybe I should possibly consider eventually getting around to perhaps making some sort of positive change like getting in shape or something like that.  That approach hasn't worked out very well for me.

Change is a process that first requires a firm commitment.  Taking the first step by resolving to make a change helps promote self-reflection and gives me a moment to assess where I am and where I want to be.  This year I have decided to make resolutions based on a feedback tool I learned called start/stop/continue.

There is a saying based on Buddhist tradition that says you can't say no until you know what yes is.  Before I can stop a particular behavior I need to know what will be replacing it.  What are the positive things I want in my life that will fill the void of what I am tying to stop doing? It is also important for me to identify what practices I want to continue that have proven to be valuable.

Change is never easy but I commit today to stay engaged in that process.  To help facilitate that I would like to share some of my current resolutions so that I can be accountable to myself and others.

Start: I will practice authenticity by being open and sharing my emotions with others.  I have a tendency to hold in what I feel or judge myself for feeling a particular way (I discussed this in greater detail here: http://canffirmations.blogspot.com/2012/12/all-inno-bluffs.html )

Stop: I have a bad habit of engaging in negative self-talk.  I am my own worst critic and when I allow internal dialogue to undermine my best self I sabotage my ability to make healthy changes.

Continue: I have been making efforts to be more transparent and vulnerable.  This blog for example has pushed me to be painfully honest with myself and how I share my experiences with others.  It stretches me in very uncomfortable ways but I have seen how it is benefiting me and I want to keep pushing into the places where I have need for growth.

What are you willing to commit to? Feel free to use the comments to share any resolutions you have and to give or receive encouragement from others.