Trikonasana

I am fully committed

My post yesterday on regret has given me a lot to think about and work on. In particular I have lamented my lack of physical self-care for some time. In particular I have hoped to get back to doing yoga on a regular basis. I have a hereditary form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis and yoga has been the most effective exercise for me in maintaining flexibility. When I have practiced it regularly I have felt healthier than anytime since high-school.

The only yoga I have ever practiced however is Bikram Yoga, often referred to as hot yoga. It is a 90 minute routine with 28 poses and 2 breathing exercises. The temperature is held somewhere between 105-110 degrees with humidity at about 40%. A towel is used over the yoga mat because of the profuse amount of sweating that occurs. It is without question one of the most intense workouts I have ever tried.  I hate it and love it. The benefits are tremendous, but at times I have lacked the motivation necessary to walk into the room.

After a year away from practicing it I finally made my way back today. I always learn a lot about myself during those 90 minutes and the thing I was reminded of most today was the need to be fully committed. Multiple times I found myself feeling physically strained to my limits. I wanted to give up and sometimes I did. There are a handful of poses that I feel confident with, and some others that I dread each time. In particular trikonasana (triangle pose) is one of my least favorites.

bikramyoga.com

I convinced myself that it was going to be too painful to finish, that I could not do it. I did not fully commit to the pose and ended up sitting out most of the set. I tried a little, or as Bart Simpson would have said, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." I held back and as soon as I felt the pain and resistance from my body I gave in.

When I make a determination to do something it is not important that I do it perfectly or even that I am able to complete it, it matters that I give a full commitment and hold nothing back. If I fully commit to a yoga pose I find that I am more capable than I imagined, I feel satisfied and at peace with myself both during and after, and I get the full benefit of having done it even if it was not anywhere near perfect. In Bikram they always refer to it as yoga practice. Perfection is not an option, there is always further to go. My practice will always look different depending on where my body is that day and how it responds. If I let go of my expectations of what the outcome is supposed to look like and simply commit to the process fully I will get exactly what I need from the experience.

There remain areas in my life that I have not fully committed to and given my full effort. The fear of making mistakes, not doing it right, failing, and the other things I imagine could go wrong are me getting in my own way. These keep me from realizing my full potential. If I am to walk my chosen path of personal growth I must do it authoritatively and wholeheartedly with nothing held back. When I approach the practice of yoga or life in that way I can realize that I am enough, and I can be at peace with whatever happens. My willingness and commitment is what matters most.

Celebration Time

I am marking and celebrating my accomplishments

Tonight I have the opportunity to celebrate with some students who are graduating with a Master's Degree. Because I have often have a tendency to focus more on the areas that I feel I come up short in life I have sometimes missed taking the opportunity to recognize when I accomplish something important. When I earned my 2 year associates degree I did not bother going to the graduation proceedings. When I finally finished my 4 year degree I was again reluctant to go.

Despite all of the time and effort it required to finish, the gremlins whispered in my head- "you took too long,"  "you could have done better," "what's the big deal, lots of people do it," "what makes you think you're special." Those thoughts diminish my accomplishments and the underlying message is that what I have done is not enough. If I allow that feeling to become prevalent in my life it might even lead me to avoid  trying anything that could be perceived as difficult. 

Marking and celebrating my achievements along the long and difficult journey of life helps to remind me that I am enough. It reminds me that how far I have come is much more important than how far I have left to go. A celebration provides opportunity to reflect, feel gratitude for the help received along the way, and to mark the transition into a new phase or challenge. Today I choose to see my best efforts as enough and to take time to honor the work I have done and those that have helped me through. 

I think it is sometimes just as important to celebrate the small victories in life as it is the things that they make Hallmark cards for. Have I continued practicing something that is difficult for me and not given up? Acknowledge it! Even though I am not where I want to be, am I now pointing in the direction I want to go and working towards my goals? Yay! Have you just barely hung on and made it through a difficult struggle that stretched and tested you further than you thought possible? Celebrate it! 

What achievement needs to be celebrated in your journey today?

Mr. Olympia

I am expanding myself

When I was about 15 years old I hit a growth spurt and shot up 4 inches.  I had always loved playing basketball and at 6'3" I was suddenly taller than most of my classmates.  I got the opportunity to play for the High School team and although I had a great time playing I did not enjoy the mandatory weight room sessions.  

Growing up I had experience helping my dad haul wood every summer as well as working for a local farmer moving sprinkler pipes and bucking hay.  Those activities gave me what I like to describe as a "wiry" toughness but with long arms and a thin frame I was behind the curve when it came to bench pressing or the other types of weight lifting exercises we had to routinely do before practice.  I usually did my best to conserve my energy and just do what I had to in order to get by without being noticed.  I was afraid to try and get better because it was something I was not very good at.

One week my coach decided to hold a weight lifting contest.  I did not fair very well on most of the upper body contests but when it was time to do the squat I decided to push myself.  The contest went back and forth between me and another player and even though each lift felt like it was all I would be capable of  I just kept adding more weight.  I benched nearly 80lbs more than my previous best.  

 

Until I am tested I never know how strong I can be. Sometimes the tests come from external challenges but I must also be willing to stretch myself when I have become complacent or comfortable.  I often hold back for fear of failure but regret does not come from doing my best and coming up short, it is a result of having never pushed myself to see what I am capable of. Each time I feel I have hit my limit I will persevere and expand myself.  I will not see my limits as failures or fixed borders but as opportunities to grow and work towards reaching my full potential.     

"If we wait till we're ready, we'll never get started."  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

A shovel today, or an icepick tomorrow.

I am doing what is needed today

I won't complain about the much needed snow that has been falling recently, but I can't say shoveling the driveway once or 37 times a day is my favorite thing to do.  With constant snow yesterday and lots of errands that required frequent coming and going, I shoveled the driveway multiple times.  I keep doing it because each time I have to shovel I am reminded of the consequences of putting it off. 

The first big snow storm a week or two ago happened while I was already out and about.  When I arrived home it was dark and I decided to just park the car and shovel the next day.  The wheels packed down the snow where I drove into the car port and turned to ice overnight.  I don't have salt to put down for melting it so even though it is weeks later I am still running into thick lines of ice that run the length of the driveway.  Whenever I am trying to clear off fresh snow and I run into the ice the shovel catches and I nearly fall on my face.  I try to chip away a bit of it each time I have to shovel again but it is slow and difficult to get off with a plastic snow shovel.  

How often do I mortgage tomorrow for an easier today?  If I continually put off what is needed I leave things far worse for myself further down the road.  Procrastination in any form weighs me down and if continued will eventually threaten to wash over me like an avalanche.  I always have a reason or rationale for not doing it, or refusing to make a choice about something and delaying what I need to do indefinitely.  In those situations I am avoiding reality or attempting to dodge consequences.  I do not need to do everything, but when I find myself coming up with excuses it is time for me to reflect on the reasons why.  I can face whatever fears may be hidden there and move forward on my path. 

The road more travelled...

I am blazing new pathways and consciously traveling a new road

Last week I was driving my daughter to tumbling when I got a phone call. I had only been talking for a moment when my daughter started hollering at me from the back seat.  I semi-politely told her that I was talking on the phone and that I couldn't hear.  She became more insistent and when it was clear that she was not going to let me talk I asked her less politely what she needed.

"Dad, you're going the wrong way!"

Indeed I was.  I had turned on the road that I typically use to get to the freeway and is one of the most frequent routes I drive.  I sheepishly turned the car around and started in the right direction to get her to the class.

When I am not focused on where I want to go, I end up in the place I've always been.  The pull to walk all of the old pathways in my life is strong.  Even when I'm paying attention I might find myself being pulled to engage in the same old patterns I'm used to.  I've developed patterns in the way I interact with others, how I handle stress, or deal with conflict. In all aspects of my life I've created well worn trails and without thinking I can travel them over and over again.  The pathway to healing or change is not well worn and requires daily effort. Today I will consciously travel the new road that leads me to the destination I want for myself.