Trikonasana

I am fully committed

My post yesterday on regret has given me a lot to think about and work on. In particular I have lamented my lack of physical self-care for some time. In particular I have hoped to get back to doing yoga on a regular basis. I have a hereditary form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis and yoga has been the most effective exercise for me in maintaining flexibility. When I have practiced it regularly I have felt healthier than anytime since high-school.

The only yoga I have ever practiced however is Bikram Yoga, often referred to as hot yoga. It is a 90 minute routine with 28 poses and 2 breathing exercises. The temperature is held somewhere between 105-110 degrees with humidity at about 40%. A towel is used over the yoga mat because of the profuse amount of sweating that occurs. It is without question one of the most intense workouts I have ever tried.  I hate it and love it. The benefits are tremendous, but at times I have lacked the motivation necessary to walk into the room.

After a year away from practicing it I finally made my way back today. I always learn a lot about myself during those 90 minutes and the thing I was reminded of most today was the need to be fully committed. Multiple times I found myself feeling physically strained to my limits. I wanted to give up and sometimes I did. There are a handful of poses that I feel confident with, and some others that I dread each time. In particular trikonasana (triangle pose) is one of my least favorites.

bikramyoga.com

I convinced myself that it was going to be too painful to finish, that I could not do it. I did not fully commit to the pose and ended up sitting out most of the set. I tried a little, or as Bart Simpson would have said, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." I held back and as soon as I felt the pain and resistance from my body I gave in.

When I make a determination to do something it is not important that I do it perfectly or even that I am able to complete it, it matters that I give a full commitment and hold nothing back. If I fully commit to a yoga pose I find that I am more capable than I imagined, I feel satisfied and at peace with myself both during and after, and I get the full benefit of having done it even if it was not anywhere near perfect. In Bikram they always refer to it as yoga practice. Perfection is not an option, there is always further to go. My practice will always look different depending on where my body is that day and how it responds. If I let go of my expectations of what the outcome is supposed to look like and simply commit to the process fully I will get exactly what I need from the experience.

There remain areas in my life that I have not fully committed to and given my full effort. The fear of making mistakes, not doing it right, failing, and the other things I imagine could go wrong are me getting in my own way. These keep me from realizing my full potential. If I am to walk my chosen path of personal growth I must do it authoritatively and wholeheartedly with nothing held back. When I approach the practice of yoga or life in that way I can realize that I am enough, and I can be at peace with whatever happens. My willingness and commitment is what matters most.

The currency of change

I am willing

In the process of making change willingness is the only currency that matters. If I do not have willingness no amount of consequences, knowledge, opportunities, switch in circumstances, skill, resources, or help that I have will bring about change. 

My willingness to change is motivated only by affliction or beauty.  Experiencing the debilitating pain, sorrow, and fear of affliction helps me to come to the reality of how bad things have gotten.  Sometimes it is referred to as hitting rock bottom.  When you realize that you have fallen as far as you can take, and to go any further ultimately lead to destruction of life or whatever else you value can be a sobering experience.  I suppose everyone has their own idea of what that is, and that some never find it before their time is gone.  In that place it can be so unbearably painful that no other option remains.

The more graceful motivator for change comes from recognizing the exquisite beauty that life has to offer.  I see that beauty in the everyday courage of others, inspirational works of literature, movies, music, art, the vulnerability of someone sharing their own story of struggle, looking into the eyes of my daughters, and the feeling that comes in the moments where I am at my best and doing the thing I was meant to do. Beauty can set the wheels of change in motion fueled by the willingness it creates.

Once willingness is obtained I can make the type of firm commitment to change necessary to have resilience through the challenges that will inevitably come.  Today I will let the beautiful possibilities of what can be, and the pain of what has been, overflow the coffers of willingness within me.