Synecdoche

I see and accept my whole self

Today I spent some time thinking about how important the process of change is. I know that it drives what I choose to teach and the way I approach a classroom. I want to make talking about that process even more central to what I am already doing and as I wrote down some of my thoughts I felt the familiar wave of shame that comes over me whenever I compare what I teach to the struggle I still experience in trying to do it myself. 

Change is a process and a slow one at that. I find myself wishing that instead of the gradual growth I see in myself that it would happen all at once in spectacular fashion. It doesn't. Because I always see that long path in front of me I lose sight of what progress I have made and focus instead on my mistakes and shortcomings. It is a common problem for me to focus on just one part of myself and make it a representation of the whole - synecdoche.

I am more than my mistakes, age, weight, accomplishments, work, family role, favorite sports team, bank account, political affiliation, or the myriad of other small pieces that make me who I am. If I focus solely on one of them as a representation of who I am at any moment I have lost touch with who I am as a whole person. I get imbalanced. Today I will see my whole self and accept that I am all of it. A human-being in the messy process of change, full of paradox and possibility where no single part of me represents all of me. 

I Wanna Bubba

I am open to life's lessons and opportunities for growth

My youngest daughter loves to drink bubbas (bottles), particularly juice bubbas. I think if she had her druthers she would prefer to drink all of her meals through a bottle. I thought that by trying to slowly ween her off of the bubbas she would eventually make the switch to a sippy cup or regular cup. I have had no such luck with that. It was magical thinking to believe that this was a change that would come easily. When she asks for one and I suggest she only needs a bubba for bed-times she insists firmly and persistently that a bubba is exactly what she needs and nothing else will do. 

"I wanna juice bubba dad. Daddy please give me a bubba. I wanna bubba! I WANNA BUBBAAA!!!"

This can also escalate to her delivering blows with her tiny fists or well placed kicks to my shins.  

After taking her out for a one on one daddy daughter date last week I let her know that she was growing up to be a big girl and it was time to say goodbye to the bubbas. She seemed to take it relatively well at the time. There was some sadness but she seemed at least moderately excited to tell her sisters and mom that she was a big girl and giving up the bubbas. That was relatively short lived. The intensity of her bubba rants has increased exponentially and it has been difficult for her to make the transition.

When I am faced with situations that force change I sometimes find myself throwing the same type of fit as my daughter does over her bubbas. Change often requires letting go but I am often resistant, even defiant at the idea. Life presents multiple opportunities for my personal growth and they often come whether I am prepared or not. How I view those opportunities and the level of willingness I have to make changes is a choice. Focusing on what I think I may have to lose rather than what I may gain does not leave me open to change. Prefering the comfort of what is known over the uncertainty of what is possible also stunts my growth. 

To reach my full potential I will open myself to change and the opportunities life presents for my personal growth and development.

Happy Blogiversary

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and change

This week last year I created Canffirmations. It was an important step in my journey of personal growth. My hope at the time was that making my affirmations public would help create accountability for myself in continuing to write them, give me an opportunity to practice vulnerability, and perhaps make a difference for others forging their own paths of change. 

I have enormous gratitude for each of you who have supported me in this process. Without the encouragement and feedback I have received the blog would not be what it is today. From amazing guest posts to privately sent messages I have been blessed by your willingness to share a part of your journey and to witness me traveling mine. It is so much nicer walking together! 

Moving forward

I am growing and moving forward

The place where I work is nestled in the beautiful foothills just below a breathtaking stretch of the Rocky Mountains.

On the road I ride to school there is a stoplight on a steep incline. When I first started riding it made me a little nervous when I would run into a red light. To avoid rolling backward I would have to keep the brake on firmly. When the light turned green I would have to accelerate while simultaneously letting off the brake and slowly releasing the clutch. If I did not give it enough gas I would run the risk of stalling, too much and it posed a different set of problems. 

I have found that the process of change feels very much like trying to ride up that hill. If I stop, the natural tendency is to roll backwards and starting back up again can be a little tricky. I know some of the old patterns that are behind me in the rear-view mirror and I am not interested in rolling back to visit those places again. If I am not moving forward I am almost assuredly stuck or at risk of sliding backward. I choose to continue moving forward in my process of growth and change. I fuel that movement through self care, nurturing my authentic self, daily practices that foster my change processes and by looking towards where I want to be. 

Progress not Perfection

I make progress by continuing my practice

Having been in the classroom environment for the vast majority of my life I place a high value on learning. I have recognized for many years that when attempting to learn a new idea it is not enough to be capable of merely understanding or recalling the information. The ability to apply it and synthesize the new concept is a higher level of learning that often require lots of practice. 

As much as I am aware and actively trying to help my others through this type of higher learning process I do not always offer myself the same patience and latitude that I do for my students. I tell my students that I am looking for them to try it out, practice, and that I am looking for progress not perfection. Yet, in my own change and learning process when I discover something new I expect myself to have it all figured out and to just be able to do it.

When I find it difficult to apply new knowledge and shift my behaviors I often feel shame. When what I know and what I do are not synced up I get frustrated. Shame can trap me in the old behaviors and it lets loose the gremlins and all of my negative self talk- "you're not good enough," "you'll never figure this out," "you'll never change," "why can't you get it right?"

Today I will remember that developing new skills and changing old patterns takes practice. I can not expect myself to immediately be proficient at something just because I have a new perspective or understanding of a concept or situation. When it comes to parenting, relationships, life skills, writing, meditation, or any of the things in life that are both important to me and difficult to manage, I will realize that it is about progress not perfection.  

I am an AND

I recognize the complexity of life and

embrace the choices it brings

There is a car commercial airing right now that talks about how and is much better than having to choose or, such has having to choose sweet or sour chicken. It is pretty amusing but I am not so sure I always feel comfortable with all of life's ands.  

Being sick reminds me of how nice it is to be healthy. My youngest daughter right now is reminding  me how delightful it is when she is quiet and asleep. I do not get to choose or in any of these situations, there is always an and. Life and death, sickness and health, joy and sorrow, good and bad, things are defined and understood through their opposition. My life is overflowing with and but when I treat things as or I run into problems. 

Paradox and contradiction is all around me, but I am sometimes reluctant to let myself experience life  that way. The most fascinating stories are not when the heroine is without fault, and the villain pure evil, but when the characters exhibit the true complexity of real people- beautiful and flawed all at once. That complexity however can be uncomfortable. It is much easier to paint life in broad strokes of black or white than to accurately see it in the and. 

My tendency to do this is most apparent when I am in a situation where I am experiencing something difficult with no clear answers. That internal dissonance can be uncomfortable and difficult to process. When I start to tell that story in my head or to others it takes on a revisionist history where all the uncomfortable ands turn into ors. I ignore the mix of emotions that I feel but that may contradict each other. I use the actions of others as a justification for assuming their intent. I leave no room for doubt, and ignore any information that may contradict the neat and tidy story I have created. In those types of stories there is no room for learning, growth, or change because the roles are already cast and the ending written. Good or bad, no room for and.

I am not good or bad, I am an and. If I allow myself to experience life in that way I can see that in all of my ands I have the choice of which I will feed and give energy to. That recognition and choice means I  have the capacity to change, grow, and reach my full potential. It is not easy or comfortable, but there is no other way. 

On Regret

I am learning from my regrets and letting them go

Yesterday I was at a family gathering yesterday when the topic of regret came up. The conversation led to someone posing a question: "if you could go back what would you change?" When the question came to me I resisted answering. My dodgy response was that I am unable to go back so it would do me no good to dwell on it because I can't change any of those things. It started me thinking about regret and the role it plays in my life.

I think of regret as an emotion that resides close to where I experience pain. It is usually triggered by looking back and seeing choices I made that resulted in outcomes I am unhappy with. I feel the pain of behaving in a way that is not in harmony with my true self, I feel the pain of having hurt someone, or sometimes it comes from the pain of not living up to my potential. Regret is not something I like to experience. It creates a certain level of internal dissonance that I sometimes rush to escape from or that I let tie me down. Regret shows me that how I see myself, or who I want to be does not match up with what I have done. It is a mirror I do not enjoy looking into.

I have often heard the phrase, "no regrets" used. I have heard some claim they have no regrets or that we should all live life so that we have no regrets. I am not sure that is possible or even healthy for that matter. I have regrets- lots of them -and in about 2.1 seconds I could recall a list of regrets that would easily fill the pages of a book the size of War and Peace...single spaced...10 point font... 

The question for me is not should I or should I not feel regret, but what do I do with regret when it comes? My typical response has been to hold on to it and let the gremlins out to play, and when they have regret to work with they are capable of wreaking serious havoc. They make me feel like a failure, a hypocrite, weak, stupid, foolish, selfish, broken, unlovable, dirty, shameful, to name just a few. Because I struggle with feelings of worthiness the regret stirs up shame and reinforces the false idea that I am a bad person. Regret makes me want to withdraw from others to avoid having them see me or judge me. I start to self-protect and believe that nothing I do is good enough. I feel like giving up and I become a martyr of circumstance.

Today I want to choose a different response to feelings of regret. I will allow the pain of regret to be a teacher and motivator for change. I am human and I make mistakes. Those mistakes naturally create a feeling of regret but rather than run from it or living in that pain I will allow it to instruct me. I think the first thing that will help me gain experience and meaning from those memories that I regret is to ask myself a few difficult questions. What is the decision that the regret originates from? What impact did that choice have on myself and others? What things am I accountable for and what was out of my control? What amends need to be made? Have I sought forgiveness from others and myself? Have I been diverted from my path? What corrections need to be made in order to continue the process of growth and change? What lessons can I learn? Have I let it go?

Asking those questions empowers me and starts the process of bringing myself back into alignment with my true self. I do not need to see regrets as evidence that I am a failure, but rather as a gentle reminder of the opportunity to learn a lesson. I can move through regret and the other feelings associated with those experiences by allowing myself to feel them, learn from them, and let them go. I can not go back and change  even the smallest part of what happened, but I can change entirely the way I think about it and respond to it. When I do this regret begins to fade into acceptance, it sparks motivation to do the hard work it takes to be authentic, and hopefully distills a bit of wisdom that can be used in the future. Regret can be the motivator that helps me right now to make the difficult choices that I know are right, and to continue the hard work of striving to reach my full potential. When I live in this way I do not feel regret even when the outcomes of my choices are not what I would have hoped for. 

I hope that I continue to experience regret when I make mistakes. If I stop feeling that then I have either given up on my journey or lost my ability to feel empathy. When I feel the pangs of regret I will respond gently and gratefully for the opportunity it provides me to reflect and change.  I will feel regret long enough for it to teach and motivate me and then I will let it go. 

Do you have regrets that you are still holding on to? 

What lesson might be learned from them?

How might you start to let it go?

Crazy making

I embrace the uncertainty of change

In the midst of the change process I have found moments, hours, sometimes days where nothing seems to make any sense. Although I am committed to making positive changes the process of that change often leaves me feeling unbalanced. 

Cordova Bay, AK canffirmations.blogspot.com

When my parents were living in Alaska I was introduced to deep sea halibut fishing. After spending almost a full day out on the boat we got home and started cleaning the fish. I hopped in the shower to clean up and I had the distinct feeling of being back on the boat. My inner ear was accustomed to the constant rocking of the boat and even though I was back on solid ground I felt shaky. I had to lean against the wall and steady myself to avoid falling over in the shower. 

Making changes to patterns that I have become used to over many years is not likely to happen without some disorientation. If I try to wrap my arms around the chaos and try to control it I may find myself feeling not just unbalanced but a little crazy. If I persist in those attempts to force my will on the process I am more likely to slide back into old patterns. I will embrace the change process and let go of my need to control it. In time my equilibrium will return and I will find myself standing on more solid ground.

"All great changes are preceded by chaos" -- Deepak Chopra

The currency of change

I am willing

In the process of making change willingness is the only currency that matters. If I do not have willingness no amount of consequences, knowledge, opportunities, switch in circumstances, skill, resources, or help that I have will bring about change. 

My willingness to change is motivated only by affliction or beauty.  Experiencing the debilitating pain, sorrow, and fear of affliction helps me to come to the reality of how bad things have gotten.  Sometimes it is referred to as hitting rock bottom.  When you realize that you have fallen as far as you can take, and to go any further ultimately lead to destruction of life or whatever else you value can be a sobering experience.  I suppose everyone has their own idea of what that is, and that some never find it before their time is gone.  In that place it can be so unbearably painful that no other option remains.

The more graceful motivator for change comes from recognizing the exquisite beauty that life has to offer.  I see that beauty in the everyday courage of others, inspirational works of literature, movies, music, art, the vulnerability of someone sharing their own story of struggle, looking into the eyes of my daughters, and the feeling that comes in the moments where I am at my best and doing the thing I was meant to do. Beauty can set the wheels of change in motion fueled by the willingness it creates.

Once willingness is obtained I can make the type of firm commitment to change necessary to have resilience through the challenges that will inevitably come.  Today I will let the beautiful possibilities of what can be, and the pain of what has been, overflow the coffers of willingness within me. 

Mom's spaghetti

I embrace the possibilities of change

When I was about 5 years old my parents went on a trip to Hawaii.  I was not invited.  To either spread the joy, or disperse the trouble, my 4 siblings and I were split up and sent to the homes of various family and friends.  I wanted to stay with my grandparents but ended up at a neighbor's house at the other end of the block.  

I do not have a great many childhood memories at that age but I do remember not liking the week I spent away from home.  Everything at the neighbors house was different.  They interacted differently than at my house and worst of all they ate different food.  I refused to eat anything that they fixed except for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  After multiple unsuccessful attempts to get me to eat anything else I was asked what food I liked.  "Spaghetti," I announced.  That night they fixed spaghetti for dinner and after one bite I declared, "this doesn't taste like my mom's spaghetti," and declined to eat anymore of the foreign noodles and sauce that had been place before me.  I was not open to a change in routine, environment and especially not my diet.  

I have since come to realize the constant prospect of change in my life.  Change comes even if I fight against it.  Rather than attempting to halt the inevitable I will instead choose how I respond to it.  I will avoid clinging so tightly to the past that I leave claw marks behind, I will instead see the possibilities that each change can bring.  Change is part of the growth and learning process and if I embrace it's possibilities each movement and shift in my life becomes not an end, but a new beginning brimming with possibilities.  One of those possibilities is the opportunity to take on new challenges and to stretch myself.  I am capable of learning and growing from the changes in my life if I see them as a necessary and natural part of the process that can help me reach my full potential.  

 All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.  ~Ellen Glasgow 

Rollin', rollin', rollin'

I am building positive momentum towards my goals

When I was about 8 our house had a basketball hoop nailed to the garage above our driveway. I liked shooting baskets despite barely being able to get the ball above the rim. The family truck was often parked in that part of the driveway so my dad would have to move it whenever I wanted to play. It was a stick shift and I had frequently watched him push on the clutch, put it in neutral and just let it roll slowly down the gradual slope of the cement without ever turning it on. 

One summer day I decided I wanted to shoot some hoops. My dad was at work and I figured I could just back up the truck myself. I pushed in the clutch, popped it in neutral and let it start to roll backwards. When it looked like I had enough room to play I let off the clutch, but to my chagrin the truck did not stop. It kept rolling and I had no idea why. I tried pushing on the brake but nothing happened. As my speed and momentum increased so too did my panic. I didn't know what to do. I gripped the steering wheel and closed my eyes as I rolled out of the driveway and right into the street. I felt my body jerk when I rammed into the gutter on the far side of the street. The truck was blocking one lane of traffic and after watching one or two cars swerve around me someone mercifully stopped to help. I was fortunate not to have been hit, but by now all I had on my mind was how I was going to get myself out of this mess without being caught by my parents.  With an offer from the man who stopped to help me get the truck out of the street I ran into the house and asked my mother ever so casually where the truck keys where. 

"Why?" My mother asked. 

"Oh, no reason..."

I did not make it out of that situation without detection or consequence but it has reminded me today of the power of momentum. For example, depending on conditions an average size train can take upwards of a mile to stop once the engineer fully applies the brakes. Once something like patterns of behavior are set in motion it can require enormous counter measures to slow down or change directions.  If I have negative patterns in my life that have been repeated frequently I need to do more than merely wish things were different and tap on the brakes once or twice. I must have the willingness to fully commit to the process. Once the brakes are fully applied it is then possible to do the work necessary to change direction.  I can also use this principle to recognize that I can build positive momentum as well.  That momentum can create excitement when I feel myself moving with purpose towards accomplishing my goals and realizing my full potential. Today I am building positive momentum.

Pushing reset

I am beginning anew

Sometimes it feels like I need a giant reset button.  It can be frustrating to look at certain patterns I've created and wonder how I got here.  Even when I have the clarity to recognize the need for change it can be difficult to let go of what I am used to.  I have heard it said that the hell we know is sometimes preferred over the hell we don't know.

Although past behavior can be the greatest predictor of future actions, I am not a prisoner of my past. Each day I can choose to make changes to the well worn paths I've made. Even when those changes seem small they can make an enormous difference on my future.

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." - Alan Cohen

We don't need no water...

I embrace the fire of growth

The giant Sequoia tree is the largest living thing on earth and one of the most awe inspiring sights I have ever witnessed in nature. I can still remember the trip with my grandparents through Northern California when I first saw one as a boy.  They can grow over 300 feet tall and live for thousands of years. To me one of the most impressive and fascinating aspects about them is their relationship with fire. For most trees wildfires are the most devastating and destructive force possible, but for Sequoias it is central to their life cycle.

image source: http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/staticfiles/NGS/Shared/StaticFiles/Photography/Images/POD/s/sequoia-forest-fire-505503-ga.jpg

During a forest fire the heat triggers Sequoia pine cones to release their seeds.  Meanwhile the fire clears away dead growth and debris on the forest floor making room for more sunlight to shine through.  When the fire is gone it also leaves behind a bed of fertile ash that nourish the seeds as they grow.

As I travel my path and find myself in the process of growth and change I often feel as if I am in the middle of a firestorm that threatens to consume me.  I fear that it may burn wildly and leave nothing but barren scorched earth in its' wake.  The fire of conflict, adversity, pain, and struggle is also capable of refining me.  That fire clears out the old parts of me and prepares me for renewal.  I will recognize it as a part of the cycle of life and necessary for change and growth.
 

image source: http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/naturelibrary/images/ic/credit/640x395/s/se/sequoiadendron/sequoiadendron_1.jpg

Les Miserables, science, and near-death experiences.

I am open to the experiences that allow me to see life more fully

I think that most people do the very best they can given what they know and the situations they find themselves in.  Others believe that life is as the philosopher Hobbes put it, "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short." The way change really happens is not through just altering our behaviors but in changing the way we see the world.

Thomas Kuhn was a physicist and historian who made the argument that science does not develop in a linear path.  Progress doesn't necessarily come bit by bit but rather through periodic paradigm shifts that changes the way science is thought about.  These shifts open up possibilities of imagining the world in a completely different way.

I've often heard of near death experiences completely changing the way someone approaches life.  The event changes them profoundly and permanently.  I have been in mild to serious peril on more than one occasion but I have been fortunate to have never experienced anything quiet like almost dying.  I don't think a near death experience is required for change. When I am open to it, experiences in my life can provide opportunities for my own paradigm shifts to occur.  They may come from anywhere; a movie, conversation, trial, meditation, relationship, on a hike, at a rock concert, in a dream, but only if I am willing to accept the possibility that I have more to learn and the way I see the world may be limited.

I watched Les Miserables this afternoon and it was interesting to me seeing the very different responses taken by Jean Valjean and Javert to the experiences capable of creating a paradigm shift.

**Spoiler Alert** 

**If you haven't watched the movie or already know the story you may want to skip this paragraph**

Jean Valjean experiences multiple moments where he has decisions to make and the way he sees the world changes.  The ransom of the priest who sets him free after he steals the silver, the opportunity to let an innocent man take the blame for his crimes, the death of Frantine, his rescue and love of Cosette, to name only a few.  Each time he became a different man and seemed to grow and learn crucial lessons in the process.  Javert on the other hand was such a slave to the way he saw the world in black and white, heaven and hell, good and evil that he could not live in a world where someone like Jean Valjean existed.  He believed Jean Valjean could never change and was unwilling to accept mercy in a world that he had built around justice. 

I will walk my path with open eyes and ears for the lessons life has available to teach me.  I will recognize that opportunities exist all around me to gain understanding and shift the way I see the world.  These shifts in paradigm will open up possibilities for the change and growth that I seek. 

More than a one-month gym membership

 I am committed to the process of change

I rarely set resolutions for the new year.  Occasionally I have silently thought that if it isn't too difficult and I have enough time maybe I should possibly consider eventually getting around to perhaps making some sort of positive change like getting in shape or something like that.  That approach hasn't worked out very well for me.

Change is a process that first requires a firm commitment.  Taking the first step by resolving to make a change helps promote self-reflection and gives me a moment to assess where I am and where I want to be.  This year I have decided to make resolutions based on a feedback tool I learned called start/stop/continue.

There is a saying based on Buddhist tradition that says you can't say no until you know what yes is.  Before I can stop a particular behavior I need to know what will be replacing it.  What are the positive things I want in my life that will fill the void of what I am tying to stop doing? It is also important for me to identify what practices I want to continue that have proven to be valuable.

Change is never easy but I commit today to stay engaged in that process.  To help facilitate that I would like to share some of my current resolutions so that I can be accountable to myself and others.

Start: I will practice authenticity by being open and sharing my emotions with others.  I have a tendency to hold in what I feel or judge myself for feeling a particular way (I discussed this in greater detail here: http://canffirmations.blogspot.com/2012/12/all-inno-bluffs.html )

Stop: I have a bad habit of engaging in negative self-talk.  I am my own worst critic and when I allow internal dialogue to undermine my best self I sabotage my ability to make healthy changes.

Continue: I have been making efforts to be more transparent and vulnerable.  This blog for example has pushed me to be painfully honest with myself and how I share my experiences with others.  It stretches me in very uncomfortable ways but I have seen how it is benefiting me and I want to keep pushing into the places where I have need for growth.

What are you willing to commit to? Feel free to use the comments to share any resolutions you have and to give or receive encouragement from others. 

Process > Product

I am patient and accepting of myself and others

I grew up in a small rural community and our house was on 5 acres of land.  My dad loved to garden and used as much of our land as could be managed to grow a variety of crops.  It seemed closer to small scale farming than what most people would consider a normal garden.  I remember many summer mornings weeding row after row of corn feeling like a chain-gang prisoner and I would swear to myself that when I was older I would NEVER have a garden.

Not only do I have a garden but for the last several years I've spent countless hours cutting back a jungle of Pfitzer bushes and hauling off truck load after truck load of branches and roots to make more gardening space.  Although I still don't necessarily enjoy weeding, gardening has a tendency to teach me things and help me connect with myself, nature and my Higher Power.

I am often impatient with myself and others.  In particular if I have something I am trying to change, learn, or improve on, I often want to just get there as quickly as possible.  I don't appreciate the difficulty of the process and focus far too much on the product.  When I reject myself and focus on what I am not, rather than accepting where I am in the process I undermine my own growth.  It creates unreal expectations and distorts how I see things.  When I am patient and understand life as a process of growth and not some race to a finished product I see the world as it should be; full of the various stages of life, beauty and imperfection.

When I garden I do not despise the seed that has not yet begun to flower or bear fruit, just as I should not judge myself and others who are still in the process of growing and blooming. The process is what is important and I will accept myself wherever I am in that journey.  Patiently I will continue to grow and learn. 

The road more travelled...

I am blazing new pathways and consciously traveling a new road

Last week I was driving my daughter to tumbling when I got a phone call. I had only been talking for a moment when my daughter started hollering at me from the back seat.  I semi-politely told her that I was talking on the phone and that I couldn't hear.  She became more insistent and when it was clear that she was not going to let me talk I asked her less politely what she needed.

"Dad, you're going the wrong way!"

Indeed I was.  I had turned on the road that I typically use to get to the freeway and is one of the most frequent routes I drive.  I sheepishly turned the car around and started in the right direction to get her to the class.

When I am not focused on where I want to go, I end up in the place I've always been.  The pull to walk all of the old pathways in my life is strong.  Even when I'm paying attention I might find myself being pulled to engage in the same old patterns I'm used to.  I've developed patterns in the way I interact with others, how I handle stress, or deal with conflict. In all aspects of my life I've created well worn trails and without thinking I can travel them over and over again.  The pathway to healing or change is not well worn and requires daily effort. Today I will consciously travel the new road that leads me to the destination I want for myself.