Show and Tell

I can express my experiences and share my gifts with others

This morning I am acutely aware of how inadequate I feel. I had an experience a few days ago with my oldest daughter that I knew immediately I wanted to write an affirmation about. For 3 days I have avoided it. A few times I have gone as far as opening up a new post and starting to write, but I deleted each of them before getting beyond a sentence or two. I have thought about the experience every day. Instead of that reflection and thought helping me to feel more clear and concrete about what I wanted to say, it encased me in stone.  

Today as I was meditating and trying to figure out what was keeping me stuck I can see other places where this theme has played out in my life. What keeps me frozen are feelings of fear, doubt and inadequacy. They cause me to isolate and avoid taking action. 

Some of the fear is around how others will respond. What will they think? Will they laugh at me? What if they just think I'm stupid or silly? That type of fear causes me to withdraw and avoid vulnerability. If I can not be seen I can not be hurt. Whatever I have to express gets buried in the cave with me. 

If I work past that fear I am often met with doubt. The internal critic reminds me that I am terrible at expressing things. You can't write. You don't know what you are talking about. Look at you hiding in the cave, do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? When that doubting critical voice comes from inside me no amount of positive reinforcement or compliments from the outside make a difference. If I choose to believe the voices it shrouds my thoughts in doubt and leads me back to fear. 

If I battle beyond fear and doubt I still have to deal with inadequacy. It comes when I believe that I am incapable of expressing what I think and feel. Words are often not enough. When I am gifted an experience that is so exquisite and meaningful that it resonates to the very core of my being, how can I possibly think I have the capacity to express it? Instead of trying I take the gift and bury it in the ground where I may eventually forget where it is. Lights placed on a hill shine out as a beacon to others, but put under a bushel they remain hidden and eventually suffocate and burn out.

I can see that the past few days, and at many other moments of my life, I have remained stuck and hidden behind fear, doubt, and inadequacy. Today I will express myself. My story matters and sharing it with others allows them to witness my journey and find light to walk their own path. 

Staying awake

I find meaning and gain wisdom 

from the difficult experiences of my life

I have heard a catchy song on the radio lately by Avicii called Wake me Up. The chorus is what sticks out to me the most, "wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself and I didn't know I was lost."

How nice would that be? More than once during an uncomfortable experience in my life I have wished I could just check out emotionally. My instinct has been to dodge pain and impatiently wait for it to pass. I think, "just let me go to sleep and when I wake up hopefully this will all be behind me."

When I was in middle school I remember learning about osmosis. I would joke that I was going to sleep with my books under my pillow so I could just learn by osmosis as I slept. It is no more likely that I can avoid the difficult experiences of my life and expect to be wiser just because time has passed, than it is to expect myself to understand calculus if I put my head down on the textbook and fall asleep. 

Whatever wisdom I have is earned. The lessons that can come from difficult experiences are often hard to see in the moment, but if I am unwilling to let myself fully experience what is happening I am likely to miss them completely. Wisdom comes from the hard work of facing my challenges and learning from them. Pain and discomfort can teach me, but if I try to avoid them the lesson is lost. Today I will be fully present in all of my experiences so that I may glean meaning and wisdom from them. 

Yay mistakes!

I am sharing the gift of my mistakes

I had a fantastic conversation with a friend yesterday that allowed me to understand some of the things he is currently experiencing. This understanding came because of my own past mistakes and the emotions we have both experienced. Afterwards I was sitting quietly in thought and I was surprised at how I was feeling. My chest and face were warm like it feels when basking in the sun of a clear spring afternoon. I had a feeling of being connected even though I was in solitude. Most of all I had a feeling of worth and value.

Mistakes can teach powerful lessons and I have had a few doozies that have taught me hard and well. After learning from them I usually prefer to tuck those experiences away and keep them out of sight and hopefully out of mind. I certainly do not want to openly share them with others. During that conversation I dusted a few off and when I brought them out and shared them I could see a hidden beauty that I had not noticed before. When I am willing to be vulnerable with my imperfections and share the lessons of my mistakes I can start to see how nothing is wasted in this life.  No matter what I have gone through and how much I may want to forget it, my experiences can help others.

The help is not going to come because I have some deep wisdom with the answers to all their problems. The answers I have gained from those experiences are my own and although I may share what I have learned everyone must walk their own path. The answers of value to any question come from within and are hard won. The way I am able to help others is by showing up and being vulnerable with my story. As I listened to his story I was reminded what it is like to step into the darkness of the unknown, filled with doubt, wondering if there is a way through.  Sharing my story is a light in the darkness. It does not always show the way out, but it shows that we are not alone and that others have walked the path before us. 

My mistakes give me the gift of wisdom when I choose to learn from them. Those experiences from my mistakes can continue to give, when I am willing to share my story with others.  

Checking the rear-view mirror

I am glancing back so that I may move forward

At times I get twisted up in whatever my current circumstances may be. I look at how fresh and immediate my problems appear and how far away my goals seem to be and begin to lose heart. Instead of getting stuck I can gain perspective by recognizing how far I have come in my journey. 

I may look back and see that I was able to make it through previous trials and feel the strength I have gained. I might look back and see how bad things were at times and re-commit to a vision for my future. I can also look back and be revitalized by cataloging how much I have learned and accomplished. 

Glancing back helps me gain the perspective I need to return to the present and continue moving forward in my journey with increased gratitude, confidence, hope and conviction.

Professor Pain

I learn from my pain

My daughter slipped off of the counter-top this morning.  It was not the first time nor is it likely to be the last.  She likes to play on it, balance herself like she's an Olympic gymnast, and other exciting but equally dangerous activities for a 4 year old.  She got hurt, but probably not badly enough to stop.

I accept pain as my teacher. What limited wisdom I may have usually comes from the experience gained from making mistakes. Those mistakes usually involve pain. Whether the pain is emotional or physical it signals me I have something I can learn. Unfortunately the lesson is not always obvious. Sometimes the pain is trying to teach me to avoid something but at other times the pain is inviting me to embrace and experience something.

Pain is powerful but it can also be quickly forgotten, numbed, or suppressed in various ways. Unless I embrace pain as a teacher and learn the lessons it wants to teach me I am destined to repeat those same mistakes and re-experience the pain. During my time in the classroom I have learned that you can't teach anybody something that they don't want to learn. No matter how powerful and insistent pain may call out to me it is in vain and can not teach me anything until I am willing to experience it and learn.

Les Miserables, science, and near-death experiences.

I am open to the experiences that allow me to see life more fully

I think that most people do the very best they can given what they know and the situations they find themselves in.  Others believe that life is as the philosopher Hobbes put it, "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short." The way change really happens is not through just altering our behaviors but in changing the way we see the world.

Thomas Kuhn was a physicist and historian who made the argument that science does not develop in a linear path.  Progress doesn't necessarily come bit by bit but rather through periodic paradigm shifts that changes the way science is thought about.  These shifts open up possibilities of imagining the world in a completely different way.

I've often heard of near death experiences completely changing the way someone approaches life.  The event changes them profoundly and permanently.  I have been in mild to serious peril on more than one occasion but I have been fortunate to have never experienced anything quiet like almost dying.  I don't think a near death experience is required for change. When I am open to it, experiences in my life can provide opportunities for my own paradigm shifts to occur.  They may come from anywhere; a movie, conversation, trial, meditation, relationship, on a hike, at a rock concert, in a dream, but only if I am willing to accept the possibility that I have more to learn and the way I see the world may be limited.

I watched Les Miserables this afternoon and it was interesting to me seeing the very different responses taken by Jean Valjean and Javert to the experiences capable of creating a paradigm shift.

**Spoiler Alert** 

**If you haven't watched the movie or already know the story you may want to skip this paragraph**

Jean Valjean experiences multiple moments where he has decisions to make and the way he sees the world changes.  The ransom of the priest who sets him free after he steals the silver, the opportunity to let an innocent man take the blame for his crimes, the death of Frantine, his rescue and love of Cosette, to name only a few.  Each time he became a different man and seemed to grow and learn crucial lessons in the process.  Javert on the other hand was such a slave to the way he saw the world in black and white, heaven and hell, good and evil that he could not live in a world where someone like Jean Valjean existed.  He believed Jean Valjean could never change and was unwilling to accept mercy in a world that he had built around justice. 

I will walk my path with open eyes and ears for the lessons life has available to teach me.  I will recognize that opportunities exist all around me to gain understanding and shift the way I see the world.  These shifts in paradigm will open up possibilities for the change and growth that I seek.