Windy Night

I am gaining strength by reaching out to others in times of need

Image Source: https://poietes.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/wild-and-windy-night.jpg

I live near the mouth of a canyon and it is not uncommon to have nights where the wind will blow hard for hours. Tonight is one of those nights and it has led to a couple of extra small bodies in my bed. My two youngest daughters woke up from the noise the wind caused outside and one by one they both ended up climbing in bed beside me to fall back to sleep. It is typically tough to get a good nights rest when they are crowding me off the bed but I do love that they still look to me for comfort when they need it. 

When did I stop doing that? One of my early childhood memories is a night when I woke up from a terrifyingly vivid dream fit for a horror movie. It involved our house being suspended on beams somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I was swimming with my cousin off a small dock that was connected to the side door entrance when I turned and saw that he was no longer there. I spun around in the water and saw the open jaws of a shark swimming straight towards me. I attempted to pull myself onto the dock to escape, but it was if I was moving in slow motion and I fell back into the water again and again. I woke up in a panic and went straight to the door of my parents' room in tears. 

Somewhere along the way I stopped reaching out to others when I was afraid or needed help. I became much more comfortable withdrawing and trying to deal with things on my own. Earlier this evening I ran into a parenting moment that left me feeling inept and angry at myself for making what seems like a frequently repetitive mistake. My first response was not to reach outward but to try and figure it out on my own. I can see that it is my own feelings of shame or pride that get in my way of looking for help outside myself. I don't have to figure it all out on my own and if I get stuck, sometimes the only way out is to ask for help.

This is my attempt tonight to step out of isolation and recognize the need to reach out for strength beyond my own. What are the things that block you from reaching out? Where could you most use a helping hand? 

Show and Tell

I can express my experiences and share my gifts with others

This morning I am acutely aware of how inadequate I feel. I had an experience a few days ago with my oldest daughter that I knew immediately I wanted to write an affirmation about. For 3 days I have avoided it. A few times I have gone as far as opening up a new post and starting to write, but I deleted each of them before getting beyond a sentence or two. I have thought about the experience every day. Instead of that reflection and thought helping me to feel more clear and concrete about what I wanted to say, it encased me in stone.  

Today as I was meditating and trying to figure out what was keeping me stuck I can see other places where this theme has played out in my life. What keeps me frozen are feelings of fear, doubt and inadequacy. They cause me to isolate and avoid taking action. 

Some of the fear is around how others will respond. What will they think? Will they laugh at me? What if they just think I'm stupid or silly? That type of fear causes me to withdraw and avoid vulnerability. If I can not be seen I can not be hurt. Whatever I have to express gets buried in the cave with me. 

If I work past that fear I am often met with doubt. The internal critic reminds me that I am terrible at expressing things. You can't write. You don't know what you are talking about. Look at you hiding in the cave, do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? When that doubting critical voice comes from inside me no amount of positive reinforcement or compliments from the outside make a difference. If I choose to believe the voices it shrouds my thoughts in doubt and leads me back to fear. 

If I battle beyond fear and doubt I still have to deal with inadequacy. It comes when I believe that I am incapable of expressing what I think and feel. Words are often not enough. When I am gifted an experience that is so exquisite and meaningful that it resonates to the very core of my being, how can I possibly think I have the capacity to express it? Instead of trying I take the gift and bury it in the ground where I may eventually forget where it is. Lights placed on a hill shine out as a beacon to others, but put under a bushel they remain hidden and eventually suffocate and burn out.

I can see that the past few days, and at many other moments of my life, I have remained stuck and hidden behind fear, doubt, and inadequacy. Today I will express myself. My story matters and sharing it with others allows them to witness my journey and find light to walk their own path. 

Taking down walls

I choose vulnerability and connection

The great paradox of all relationships is between the need for connection and the desire for self-protection. There have been moments when I have tried to have them both, but I have come to accept it is impossible. 

The walls I put up to keep myself safe from the harm others can cause, are the same that also keep me trapped and isolated.  That isolation turns to depression and loneliness. I might try to convince myself that if I trust no one I will never be hurt. No matter how much I may try to deny it, I am hard-wired for connection. Relationships bring purpose and meaning to my life and are important in my process of growth.

It takes vulnerability to connect. To let myself be known completely (even the shadowy and broken parts.) It causes me anxiety and fear. I fear that I will be rejected, that I am not good enough, and that I may not be worthy of being loved. Can I trust someone else to meet my needs? 

The paradox is inescapable, but I get to choose. I choose to face the fears with courage. I choose vulnerability in the hope of creating the healthy connections I need in my life.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv-AK5hGrnZAEIAtY4hN6isPQcO8v6WdjyICMyaWKTIuhET89WxqZ4UOLOY9vEGc9q6KkeuVnZjt3YsNoCLsaRDvtL6PY0q1Z3OnU6I5ZRYMksF3OZBlPY2KK90hvY_7SefzT87E23wLJo/s1600/2010-06+Staff+Retreat19.jpg

The Procrastinator

 I am daring to do my best

I have a thousand ways to dodge doing whatever needs to be done, that I do not want to do.  I procrastinate by delaying, create excuses, letting myself be distracted, getting busy with something else, there is always a reason for not doing it.  None of the reasons are particularly good or even logical, but it buffers me from the real reasons I may not want to do something.  In most cases the reason is fear.

During my many years in school I had a consistent problem with procrastinating.  If a major assignment was due I would put it off as long as possible.  Eventually, I would have no time left and it would take an extraordinary effort just to finish what had to be done on time. When I finally finished there would be such a sense of relief that I could avoid thinking about if I had done my best work or what grade I would get. I created an excuse for myself that shielded me against the fear of failure. I could blame circumstances for not having time to do it well, I could justify that whatever grade I got was not truly a measure of my abilities, there was always a built in excuse to avoid accountability. By doing that I never truly risked myself or took full advantage of what I might have learned. The fear of criticism and failure kept me from reaching my full potential as a student.  

Regret comes from those moments when I am forced to wonder what would be if I had not tried to hide from fear and instead given my best.  How will I know what I am truly capable of if I am not willing to dare greatly? I will not procrastinate my life, give half measures, or live in regret for what I might have been able to do. Today I will hold nothing back.  I do not need to be perfect, doing what I am capable of right now is enough.

 "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."
-- William Shakespeare

Fearless 6yr old

I can face my fears

I have had several experiences today that have kept me thinking about the many areas I need growth and improvement in.  I lost patience more than once today, wrestled with some anger and resentment, recognized my need for better boundaries, plenty of areas I could find ways to work on affirming the changes I want to make.  I started writing when my oldest daughter came down stairs.  We had just finished a rather dramatic bedtime again and even though we figured things out eventually it was one of the moments today where I lost my patience.  

She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was about to write my affirmation for today.  Instead of writing what I had originally planned I would instead like to share with you our conversation and let it stand as is for today's affirmation.  I believe this came as a result of what happened last week and affirms the power of  showing up .

 

"What are you going to write about?"

"I think I'm going to write about boundaries."

"You could write about facing your fears."

"Yeah, that's a good idea.  What kind of fears are you facing right now?"

"Like facing your fears when you don't know something and you find out about it."

"So facing your fears by finding out stuff about things you don't know about?"

"Yeah."

"What do you do to face your fears when you don't know something."
 

"Asking somebody for help."

"So you can face your fears by asking for help from others when you don't know what to do?"

"Yeah."