Breakdown

I am making the repairs needed to maintain the things I value

Things have been falling apart on me lately. In the last few days one of the main pipes for my secondary water sprung a leak, the back tire on my motorcycle wore down to the threads, the battery in my car died, and last night I got sick. Even if I am taking care of my body or doing regular maintenance on all the things I use it should be expected that things will wear down or break. 

The lesson I am trying to remember today is that things can be fixed. I am not going to give up on the lawn, sell my bike, ditch the car, or start planning my funeral. In some situations the repairs might be expensive- like the $230 it will take to replace, mount, and balance the rear tire on my bike. It might also take time to do the repairs- if my daughters are any indication, whatever disease they have passed along to me is likely to stick around for awhile, but with time I will heal. 

I used to be terrified of having conflict in my relationships, even differences in opinion seemed scary because I was afraid that it would damage the relationship. I was afraid that once things broke down the relationship would be doomed. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and knowing that repairs can be made is the first step in engaging with the process of resolving them. Instead of avoiding them for fear of what might happen I can now recognize that even if time and effort will be needed things can often be repaired. Sometimes repairs come from listening, saying I am sorry, forgiving, or sharing my feelings authentically. With practice that process can even become a new skill- the first time I tried to fix the main line for the sprinkler water it took me multiple tries and many hours to finally fix it, this time around I was able to finish it in about 30mins on the first attempt. Even if it might require some outside help- I needed to borrow some tools to change out the battery today -I can ask for that assistance and repairs can be made. 

These experiences have reminded me that even when something eventually starts to wear down I can trust that things can be repaired, and that the process itself can be a strengthening and learning experience. The things I value most in life I have had to work hard to achieve and maintain. The more work I put into making repairs to relationships that I value the more I will treasure the closeness within them. 

Care Bear

I am making myself a priority

The past week has been intense for me. I have felt myself straining to stay ahead of the avalanche of grading I need to complete that threatens to bury me. I have felt stress and struggled through some vulnerability.  My time and energy seem to be in short supply. More than once this week I have completely missed a meal.  Yesterday I grabbed something quick to eat for breakfast and by the time I got around to eating again it was past 4. I developed a headache and I started to feel a little grouchy. As my family and friends can attest I am not nearly as amicable when I get hungry "Clair Bear" takes on new meaning as more than just a joking nickname.

Not eating regularly, exercising, or sleeping are always red flags for me that I am not taking good care of myself. The problem for me is that I do not properly prioritize my own self-care. 

If more than one thing comes into contention over where I spend my time or energy, I am likely to choose the thing that I value more highly. When I skip lunch and choose to do something instead of meeting even my basic needs I am devaluing myself and detracting from my feelings of worth. Today I choose to give attention to my self-care and recognize I am worthy of making myself a priority.

What do you need in order to properly care for yourself today?

The difference between knowing the path and walking the path

I live with a sense of purpose and value

I believe that life has purpose.  As I have been pondering this idea I was reminded of a scene from a movie I recently watched.  It is from the second movie in the Matrix trilogy and the scene begins with Neo meeting with the Oracle.  He has reached a critical point in his journey and he is uncertain which direction to go.  At one point in the conversation the Oracle says to Neo, "we are all here to do, what we are all here to do."  Not long afterwards Neo encounters his nemesis Mr. Smith who tells Neo, "for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us, that binds us, it is purpose that defines us."

If life does indeed have purpose then I begin to understand that I have a crucial part in the story.  Who else can do what I am here to do?  Recognizing I have a part and purpose helps me see myself and life the way I need to.

When I see and feel a fullness of purpose it gives me the willingness to dare to reach my potential and walk my path of personal truth.  In the moments where I am doing the thing I was meant to do, for the right reasons, and to my utmost capabilities I see my purpose realized.  In those moments I have felt the connection, in the zone, flow, enlightenment, tao, or however you would describe an experience that is impossible to define but is undoubtedly known.  Walking my path of personal truth with authenticity and a sense of purpose allows me to experience those moments, and confirms my incalculable worth and irreplaceable role in a story that is about all of us.

What can I do today to recognize my worth and purpose?  

Sticks and stones....

I fill up from the inside

In addition to being an amateur blogger I work as an instructor.  I have spent 12 years teaching in various capacities and I am deeply passionate about what I do.  Although it may be unreasonable to think it is possible, I do what I can to make every classroom a safe space that allows for positive learning experiences for every student.  

I appreciate all the feedback that I have received from my students over the years and it has helped me become a better teacher.  I make course evaluations available for potential students looking to take one of my classes but recently I have heard students referring to an online rating site for professors as a way to decide what instructor to take.

Unfortunately the site that students use for these reviews is not particularly reliable.  The sample size of responses as compared to the number of students who actually have experience with the instructor is very low. It also has no way to determine if a review is even written by a student that has taken the class. Unlike end of semester reviews that students fill out to evaluate a class this online site is geared towards students.  Even though I know these things I couldn't help but search my name to see what students had to say.  I wasn't doing it to improve my teaching, I just wanted to hear that I was liked. 

The most recent review was less than glowing.  It hurt.

Seeking constant validation or relying solely on others for acknowledgement is like trying to fill a leaky bucket with water.  I will look inward and recognize my worth. If I find holes or worn places I will work to patch them rather than seeking for others to fill me up and convince me of my value. I am worthy of others love, most of all I am worth loving myself just as I am. 

Bulletproof

   

I am unshakably me

 Living an authentic life where I attempt to be transparent takes a daily commitment.  It also comes with certain risks. Taking off the mask and being true to who I am can feel scary and vulnerable. When I make that choice it leaves me open to the judgment and criticism of others. Even though I know I can only truly connect by being vulnerable it takes courage to do it.

It is easy for some people to hide behind walls of feigned acceptability, correctness, and self importance while they lob grenades of shame and fire off bullets of judgment at others. I may fear those attacks and want to retreat back behind the old walls of self-protection. I may even want to hide there and return the volley. But that would only  serve to trap me and keep me stuck in a battle where there can be no winner. As I walk boldly into that raging battle of words I realize that I am bulletproof. As I confidently and fearlessly continue walking my path of personal truth I echo the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."