Care Bear

I am making myself a priority

The past week has been intense for me. I have felt myself straining to stay ahead of the avalanche of grading I need to complete that threatens to bury me. I have felt stress and struggled through some vulnerability.  My time and energy seem to be in short supply. More than once this week I have completely missed a meal.  Yesterday I grabbed something quick to eat for breakfast and by the time I got around to eating again it was past 4. I developed a headache and I started to feel a little grouchy. As my family and friends can attest I am not nearly as amicable when I get hungry "Clair Bear" takes on new meaning as more than just a joking nickname.

Not eating regularly, exercising, or sleeping are always red flags for me that I am not taking good care of myself. The problem for me is that I do not properly prioritize my own self-care. 

If more than one thing comes into contention over where I spend my time or energy, I am likely to choose the thing that I value more highly. When I skip lunch and choose to do something instead of meeting even my basic needs I am devaluing myself and detracting from my feelings of worth. Today I choose to give attention to my self-care and recognize I am worthy of making myself a priority.

What do you need in order to properly care for yourself today?

Sticks and stones....

I fill up from the inside

In addition to being an amateur blogger I work as an instructor.  I have spent 12 years teaching in various capacities and I am deeply passionate about what I do.  Although it may be unreasonable to think it is possible, I do what I can to make every classroom a safe space that allows for positive learning experiences for every student.  

I appreciate all the feedback that I have received from my students over the years and it has helped me become a better teacher.  I make course evaluations available for potential students looking to take one of my classes but recently I have heard students referring to an online rating site for professors as a way to decide what instructor to take.

Unfortunately the site that students use for these reviews is not particularly reliable.  The sample size of responses as compared to the number of students who actually have experience with the instructor is very low. It also has no way to determine if a review is even written by a student that has taken the class. Unlike end of semester reviews that students fill out to evaluate a class this online site is geared towards students.  Even though I know these things I couldn't help but search my name to see what students had to say.  I wasn't doing it to improve my teaching, I just wanted to hear that I was liked. 

The most recent review was less than glowing.  It hurt.

Seeking constant validation or relying solely on others for acknowledgement is like trying to fill a leaky bucket with water.  I will look inward and recognize my worth. If I find holes or worn places I will work to patch them rather than seeking for others to fill me up and convince me of my value. I am worthy of others love, most of all I am worth loving myself just as I am. 

IntoMEsee

I see myself fully, and love myself completely

I long for connection with others.  When I feel alone or isolated I am capable of being profoundly sad.  Not a case of the Monday's, moody, woke up on the wrong side of the bed, a little bit gloomy sad. I'm talking about the I can't breath, trapped in a well, can't get out of bed, physically hurts sad.  Unfortunately even when I'm around others who care for me I am still capable of feeling alone in the crowd.

No amount of compliments or expressions of heartfelt affection are capable of penetrating to me in those moments.  I don't have anywhere for them to land because I don't feel lovable.  My greatest barrier to connection is a false belief that I'm not worth loving.  If I want intimacy I need to into-me-see and find the place for love to land.  A place where I recognize my worth and value as inherent and unchangeable.  It is not hard for me to love others, but for that love and connection to be all it is capable of requires that I love myself first.

I know many of the barriers and walls that I build around that place and I will find the affirmations to chip away at them in time.  For today what I need most is to begin seeing in myself something to love.  Not a conditional love requiring me to do something, or be something I'm not, but a love that accepts all of me and sees a timeless worth that is, always has, and always will be there.